Week 37 - A Progress Report

Hello everyone! Welcome to week 37. There's big news this week so let's get right to it.

First of all, week 37 is a huge benchmark in a baby's life. This is the point where a baby is considered to be "full term". Why is that important? Who knows? I guess a long time ago, some doctor saw a baby that was born at 37 weeks and said, "Aw what the heck, that's close enough I guess". It doesn't really mean anything as far as development because to be honest. My Baby Brother could've been born a few weeks ago and still be fine. Regardless of the reasoning behind it, we're breaking out the party hats for week 37. Let's hear it for being full term!

So, we had another trip to the doctor this week to check on little man's progress. Yes, I got the chance to spy on him because they whipped out the ultrasound and gave us a peek. He's still moving around a lot, and we caught him opening and closing his mouth. In just a few short weeks, I can finally kick these ultrasound pictures to the curb and I can see him in person! Do you know what the first thing I'm going to do when I see him? Funny hat. I've gotta make sure he's wearing a funny hat. Its almost like tradition at this point. I wore one when I was born, and I'm pretty sure they had invented hats back when my dad was born (not 100% sure though, I'll need to look that up later), so why not Baby Brother?

I'm getting off-subject though. Sorry, I have a tendency to ramble. The doctor estimated that Baby Brother weighs 6 pounds, 11 ounces right now and is about 19" tall. How did she do that? No idea. It looked like she was drawing lines on the screen, and then she suddenly has a weight for us. Hey lady, how do you correlate one to the other? How do lines = weight? I'm calling B.S. on this one. I draw lines all of the time, but you don't see me guessing my daddy's weight or my mommy's weight from them. This drawing system is about as accurate as tea leaves in my opinion. I have no idea how they come up with this stuff.

So what else did I see when I was watching the ultrasound? Not much. Baby Brother's life is pretty boring in comparison to mine. I can go to school, the park, karate class, swimming, stealing daddy's food….and what can he do? He practices breathing, making sucking motions, sleeping a lot, looking around, and of course peeing. That's pretty much it. I think I just started appreciating my freedom a lot more. 

He is also starting to get a lot of hiccups. This is from breathing in all of that amniotic fluid/goo in there. Its considered a "positive growth indicator" by the doctors, but who ever looked at hiccups and thought THAT? Somebody needs to tell the doctor I consider them a "bothersome reaction to my dad's bad jokes". Being the good brother that I am, I've been trying to think of ways to get rid of the hiccups for him. I've heard that scaring someone works. Should I just run up to mommy's tummy and yell "BOO!"? Would that work? Or should I do something scarier, like hold up a picture of daddy and say, "You're gonna look like THIS when you get older!!!" On second thought that might be too mean. Maybe I should just sit this one out and let nature take its course.

There was one thing that he was up to that I couldn't see - he's making a lot of cortisone right now. Whats that for, you ask? Well its just his way of giving his lungs a little help when he takes those first couple of breaths. Now "a lot" may be a bit of an exaggeration, but right now he's got that extra little boost ready to go. 

This is it, the home stretch is in front of us! He could arrive at any time! When do YOU think he'll make his grand appearance? Be sure to vote over on the right side of the screen and tell us. The winner gets to buy me a Happy Meal. Awesome.

Gotta potty. Seeya later!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 36 - Lightening

Hello everybody! Its week 36 and I'm getting closer and closer to meeting my baby brother for the first time. The due date is almost here! Then again, he could come at any moment. After all, only about 5% of babies are actually born on their due date. Pretty crazy huh? You'd think that they would hit the mark a little better than that. Then again, I was 2 days early so who am I to talk?

This week Baby Brother is weighing in at just over 6lbs and standing about 19" tall. Not too shabby considering that he's living in mommy's tummy, huh? That puts him at about 15% body fat, which is right about where he needs to be. I know that some doctors say that "round babies are healthy babies", but round seems like a pretty strange shape to be in. Does that just mean that we have to roll him around wherever we go? I mean after all, that's what a round shape ends up doing! Its a good thing that our house is level - otherwise he might just roll towards a wall and get stuck! Forget "round babies". Lets go with another shape. If we can't find a better one than round, then maybe I'll just make one up. How about "awesome--shape babies are healthy babies"? That sounds much cooler.

Speaking of shapes, word on the street is that there's a cone shape in little brother's future. He can't really escape through the hatch with that big ol' melon head! Don't you remember how pointy MY head was when I was born? Man, what a weird feeling that was. That's exactly why babies have that whole "soft spot" thing going on on their skulls. When all of those little skull bones move and shift, they'll need some place to move. We don't want to squish baby brother's little noggin if we don't have to. Not only will those bones shift positions to allow for his great escape, but the bones themselves are actually still a bit pliable as well. I can't tie my baby brother in knots or anything (Ill admit I have thought about it if he gets mouthy with me, but then again he won't be able to talk for some time now. Man, its fun having a baby brother! I get to blame him for everything.

And now, a not-so-subtle transition. From talking about soft, pliable bones to - drum poll, please - gums! Those little suckers are tough now. Heck, they have to be! Can you imagine trying to eat when really mushy, soft teeth and gums? What a mess that would be! They even have little bumps and ridges on them. I know what you're thinking - Andrew, aren't those called "teeth"? - and no they aren't the baby teeth getting ready to punch through. Trust me, those baby teeth are still months away from punching through the gums. I remember when mine finally broke through my gums. That was a banner day for me because then I could finally start chomping through some REAL FOOD!

This week also marks a big event in Baby Brother's development. Doctors call this event "The Lightening". No, not lightning - lightening! I know it sounds like some sort of M. Night Shyamalan movie with creepy people and some supposed twisted ending, but I can assure you that this is much cooler. This "lightening" means that baby brother has started moving downwards towards the escape hatch. He's already oriented in a head-down position, so this is just the final "prep" stage in getting him ready. Consider it much like runners at the starting line of a big race. He's already in his starting position and is waiting for the gun to go off!

"But Andrew, why do they call it 'lightening'?", you ask? Great question! They call it that because when the baby shifts down, it'll actually feel "lighter" to mommy. Those kicks to the ribs won't happen as much anymore! Of course now that he's positioned lower in her tummy, his kicks will land more and more on her bladder. Expect to see her mad-dashing for the bathroom a lot now!

While mommy is busy running to the bathroom, Baby Brother is doing one more thing to get ready for his great escape. He is shedding that layer of vernix that covers his body. Remember when I told you about that stuff a while back, and how it coats the body and prevents the baby from getting all "pruney"? He doesn't need it anymore, so that stuff has to go! Where does it go, you ask? (Wow, you guys are just full of questions today!) Well, um…….he, uh…….well, he eats it. Don't give me a weird look! Its not like the menu is very expansive in there. After 9 months of eating the same thing every day, you'd probably be clamoring for a new tasty treat too! That means that the infamous first baby poop consists of a lot of the vernix. Ugh. I think I'll leave that to daddy to take care of. I'm taking a mulligan on this one.

Alright, that's all for this week. Don't forget to vote on the baby names of the week AND the actual date when he will be born. The winner gets the satisfaction of being right! Gotta go potty now, see ya later!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 35 - Done Cookin'

Week 35 - are you kidding me? Is this seriously going to happen? Man, we are getting CLOSE now!

I know what you're thinking - "what did you expect Andrew? Of course he'll be born soon." Yeah doofus I know that. Its just crazy to think that the final countdown is on, and I don't mean that crappy 80s song that daddy is walking around and singing right now. All of baby brother's internals are formed and functional. At this point he could be born without any major problems. He'd be a teeny bit smaller than if he was full grown but that's it.

Right now he is continuing to "chunk up". He's up to a little bit over 5.5lbs. There's no real height increase this week - he's still around 18" tall - but we don't really need him getting any taller. If he were to get any taller, where would we put him? He'd be like a potted plant that's totally outgrowing its pot! (I don't mean to compare him to foliage or anything, but it seemed like an appropriate analogy) Don't expect him to get much taller from here on out, but the little guy will keep packing on the pounds from here on out. The main reasons? Insulation and energy. Remember, he's going to need lots of energy for the Great Escape!

Baby Brother is prepping for his arrival in another big way too. After lots of practice in my old room, he's finally developed his eating/sucking reflex to the point that it will get him through those tough times after he's born. Without his fun-and-funky feeding tube, he has to know how to do this. Lucky for him, I left a how-to manual in there for him. As long as he understands basic English and can decipher my clever illustrations, he should be good to go. The good part is that he gets to eat as much as he wants, so get ready for a Baby-sized Buffet, little brother!

And when he's done eating and duty calls, he's got that covered too! His kidneys are now fully formed, so he can produce and filter his own baby tinkle now. I'm sure you can picture him already, chilling inside mommy and writing his name in the….whatever that stuff is inside. Pretty impressive aim for a kid that's minus-one months old isn't it?

Breathing is another fun activity that he's got under control too. His lungs are also fully formed and ready to breathe something besides amniotic fluid. I know I did that when I was his age, but breathing liquid just seems to be a little creepy. I can't figure out just how that's "normal" at any point in a person's life. Once he's born, we'd call that "drowning", so how is it cool to let him start that habit now? I'll just voice my opinion right now and say that I fundamentally disagree with this. Another thing I don't understand - how come lungs develop faster in a girl than in a boy? Yep, I read it someplace OTHER than on the internet, so I know its true. I asked daddy why this is, and he said because they always have to get the first word in. 

That's about it for this week. As I said before, there aren't many developments from here on out! He's basically done building all of the pieces, and now he just needs to beef up a bit more. I promise I'm not trying to slack off on my writing, there's just nothing left to write about! Maybe if the little guy would help out and send me a note now and then, I could give you some more details. As it stands right now, I'm sitting here acting as his biographer. Ah well, a Big Brother's gotta do what a Big Brother's gotta do!

And right now, Big Brother's gotta go potty. I'll spare you the details beyond that. Don't forget to vote on the baby names of the week, AND give us your best guess as to when you think baby brother will arrive!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 34 - The Fraternal Truce

Hey there everyone! Its week 34 and I'm getting freakishly close to becoming an official Big Brother!

You know, this whole Big Brother thing is starting to grow on me. I keep looking for an adversary in him but that's not really fair. After all, who can compete with ALL OF THIS?

Yep, there's just no challenge there. Really. Its like fishing with dynamite. Rather than preparing for a battle, I'm preparing to receive my little brother, my new friend,………..and my fall guy. Hey, don't look at me like that! Everything is setting up perfectly for this. I can blame him for just about everything that happens in the house. After all what do you think he's going to do about it? Speak up and voice his concerns? HA! He won't start talking for a WHILE so I've got months and months of blame-free fun heading my way. Score.

So what's new with my new little scapegoat? Not a whole lot to be honest. From here on out, these updates are going to be pretty thin as far as developments go. He's pretty much ready to roll right now! He just needs to put on a little weight. Right now he weighs about 5lbs and is about 18" tall. Baby Brother needs to put on some pounds if he expect to be anywhere near where I was when I was born, so from here on out that's his main job. Will he measure up to the legendary size and stature of his Big Brother? Only time will tell.

Its starting to be a bumpy ride in there for Baby Brother from here on out. Remember a while back I told you that the amniotic fluid levels stabilized in there? Well, it doesn't take a math whiz to figure this out:

unchanging levels of fluid + growing baby = NO WIGGLE ROOM!

There's less cushion in there, and there's no more room inside mommy. He's been trying to make the best of things by rotating head-down a few weeks ago, and now he's even shifting down a little. Mommy's friends call that "carrying low". Daddy calls it "binge eating". Either way, she's about ready to pop!

There's a few things in there still "cooking" a little, one of which is his liver. Its almost fully formed at this point, and he can already process regular amounts of waste without a problem. Its functional enough for him to survive at this point, so its basically done. He just needs to beef it up a little. Maybe get it into the gym to workout with some liver-weights. And it better give its best effort too. I want to see its liver-best, not its liverwurst! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Get it? Liverwurst? Oh man, this is good stuff)

You know what else is ready to go right now? His immune system! Its developed enough to the point that he could fight off small infections all by  himself. No assistance from mommy's system needed! That being said, we're not planning on sending him into a leprosy ward or anything like that. He's far from invincible, and I should know because that's ME! Toughest kid on the block. The reason for this is because when I get on an adrenaline rush, I can plow through anybody that stands in my way. What's that? Daddy thinks he can stop me from getting to the fridge? Sorry old man, but I'm riding an adrenaline buzz and you're not going to stop me. I want my blueberries!!!!! And if he thought that it was tough enough handling just me, wait until baby brother gets here! As of right now he has fully formed adrenal glands and will be ready to be my trusty sidekick. Can you picture TWO adrenaline-charged Joiner boys running wild? Man its going to be crazy.

Other than those developments, we're just playing the waiting game right now. The clock is ticking. When do you think Baby Brother will arrive? We'll put it to a vote! Along with the baby name polls, there's going to be a arrival date poll. Give us your best guess!

Gotta potty. Catch ya later!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 33 - Ready to Go!

Week 33 is here, can you believe it? Pretty soon I'll have that official title of "Big Brother". I guess that means I'll have to throw out all of my old business cards and get some new ones made. So much to do, so little time.

As much as I've gotta get done before Baby Brother arrives, HE'S got even more to do. After all, its not like this is a "mommy only" event. Little Brother has to put in some work as well. Trust me, I speak from experience here. The first thing he's going to do is add a coating of vernix all over himself. No idea what vernix is? That's okay, you're not the first one that I've had to explain it to. Its a waxy coating that will lube him up so he'll slide right out and into the world. Cool huh? 

He's also storing large amounts of glycogen in anticipation of the big day. Much like one of daddy's big races, Baby Brother will need a lot of energy but unlike daddy he can't just throw down on some pasta or other stuff a few days before his escape. Number one, there's no pasta delivery in there. Second, nobody supplies him with utensils even if he DID have pasta. Instead, he'll slowly but surely stash away glycogen from what mommy gives him. He'll burn up a little bit of that as he prepares for birth by doing a pre-birth workout routine. This involves Baby Brother moving his arms and legs around so he can help wiggle his way out.  See? He's doing his part. 

The amount of amniotic fluid has stabilized as well, so we're as close to ready as we can get! Back in the day he pretty much had an olympic sized swimming pool but now its more like a bathtub. A small bathtub. And its half full. And worst of all, there are no tub toys to play with. This is a tough time with little play.

Some other fun facts - Baby Brother is one smart little guy! His head and brain are both growing like crazy right now. Sorry to tell you that mommy, but his head is going to be one major speedbump! In the past week alone, his head has grown by 3/8"! That's a whole lotta noggin right there. The good news is that he will be able to wear some of my hats when he gets out. Heck at THIS rate he might be able to wear daddy's! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Other than that, the pre-escape preps are all but done for Baby Brother. One cool thing to note about this week is that his sight is getting better every day. That's great news by itself, but then there's another cool part of that. Because of his ever-growing little brain, he's starting to actually understand what is going on. He can actually tell the difference between daytime and nighttime now! Don't get me wrong, its not like his day revolves around the rising and setting of the sun. As I've mentioned before, he spends most of his day resting up now,  After all, he's got a lot of work ahead of him.

Oh, and lets not forget about the weekly measurements! Right now Baby Brother is around 4.5lbs and 17.5" tall. I don't know if you've noticed, but he's really starting to pack on the pounds now! Then again, if all you did was eat and sleep you'd probably gain a lot more than a half pound in a week. Heck, daddy gains more than that in a fast food drive thru! At this pace he'll weigh just about as much as I did. Yep, little brother is already copying me. It figures. Who WOULDN'T want to copy greatness?

Alright folks, that's enough for now. Its time for a snack break. What, you thought I was going to say potty break? Sorry, but I'm not as predictable as my daddy. Nope, its time for a good ol' cheese sandwich and a big glass of milk. That'll hit the spot.

And THEN I'll potty. There, you satisfied? Don't forget to vote on the baby names of the week! 

Until next time,

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 32 - Moving Soon...

Hey there everybody! Welcome to week 32. Or as I call it, "three and two". Don't judge me - that's a big number. And big numbers at THIS point means that my little brother is getting close to making his grand entrance. Time to start "talkin' baby"!

At this point everything is just about done developing on the little guy. I heard from the doctor that his lungs are "nearly mature", which I can only imagine that means that his lungs are telling some off-color jokes and displaying somewhat poor manners. Hey wait a second, why didn't they just say his lungs are "like daddy"? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Sorry, I crack myself up sometimes) A few other systems are "like daddy" at this point too. His digestive tract is almost fully developed and his immune system is getting stronger by the day. He doesn't have to rely on mommy's immune system as much, but that's something that will continue to strengthen after he's born.

And speaking of birth, he's doing the "baby compass" move right now. He's finalizing his baby rotation and is now pointing "due south". Don't get me wrong, he may flip around every once in a while but he always settles back into that head-down orientation just waiting for his cue! This also helps him get a little more legroom in there. After all, you can only push mommy so far SIDEWAYS, but when he points south he's got more legroom AND more things to kick. Ribs, diaphragm, bladder, you name it! Sadly, that's as mobile as he will be until he is born. Its all downhill from here as far as legroom. That's okay though because with all of this growth, he ends up sleeping most of the time anyways.  And yes, his bones are still nice and pliable, that's a big deal. He'll need to be flexible like Gumby and Stretch Armstrong combined!

Oh yeah, I forgot to give you some numbers didn't I? Right now baby brother is about 17" tall and weighs in at about 4lbs.  Between now and the time he's born, his weight should DOUBLE! That's pretty damn impressive. Try doubling YOUR body weight in 8 weeks. Even with an I.V. from Five Guys you couldn't get that done! And the funny part is that with all of this weight gain, he's not looking so wrinkly anymore. Or as I call it "link-a-lee". (I like the way I say it better) All of those extra pounds are filling his body out, so he looks less like a raisin.

At this point, he could be born and have a 90% chance of survival. Naturally we all know that as tough as he is, its more like 100% but we will go with what the "experts" say on this one. I say he's tough because he punches and kicks mommy ALL the time. I don't even think that I hit her this much, and I was practically giving her the Ike Turner treatment in there so that's saying something. 

I'll admit, he's got my attention now. Somebody that is THIS active is going to be a hard one to handle. Then again, nobody said being a big brother was easy! Actually I think daddy might have said that but what does he know? Uncle Donny was the big brother! Maybe I should ask him how hard it is. I'm just assuming that I get to order him around and stuff, so what could possibly go wrong with that?

I've gotta get a list of stuff together for him to do for me. Let's see - he can pick up my toys, make me some mac 'n cheese, do my homework, distract daddy so I can get into some shenanigans, etc. I know it may seem a tad bit self-serving, but my list is WAY more interesting than the stuff he does on a daily basis. Right now all he does is hang out, look around the room, grab different things (and really how many different things are there to grab?), making faces, practicing breathing, peeing, and rooting. For the uninitiated, rooting is what you call it when little guys are looking for food from mommy. Baby Brother is practicing rolling his head around so that he can find the chow line once he's born. I mean, if he's lucky I might sneak a cheese sandwich to him when mommy isn't looking but he'll REALLY owe me for that!

Okay, the potty is calling. Don't forget to vote on the baby names of the week! Seeya next time.

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 31 - A Monster Week!

Hello everyone! Its been a busy week in my world. Before you get ANY baby brother news from me, you're about to hear about my crazy weekend.

First of all, daddy picked me up from school but he didn't take me straight home. Instead he drove around to a strange area that I've never seen before. We finally stopped in a parking lot, and what did I see?

A monster truck!!!!! Man this thing was cool. I even let the driver take a picture with me.

As we were leaving, daddy asked it I liked the monster truck. Yeah, duh. Is that REALLY a question??? I'm a 3 year old Joiner boy that likes destruction - of COURSE I liked the monster truck! Then he promised that we would see them drive around tomorrow. Sure enough, we rolled into Raymond James Stadium the next day for some monster truck fun! Daddy sprung for club seats, dinner, and some monster truck goodies. And then the show started.

Oh sweet destruction, how I've missed you! Trucks were rolling over, wheels were flying off, it was serious fun! I also had my first taste of some stuff called "cotton candy". It looks like funny colored hair, but man did it taste good! And no, it didn't make me hyper. I'm like my daddy - sugar doesn't faze me!

So that's a cool enough weekend with that alone, but wait there's more! The NEXT day, I got a peek at my baby brother! We went to a place that had a big screen tv, and my baby brother was on! So, I saw him in 3D, and he must have known I was watching because he was covering his face at first. That's okay, you can't hide forever little man! After a few minutes he fell asleep, and his arm moved out of the way. Then we were face to face. Okay I admit it, he's a handsome little guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm WAY cuter, but he'll be okay in the looks department.

So what was he up to? Oh, about 3.5lbs and 16+ inches tall! HAHAHAHAHAHA Get it, what's he "up to"? Ah man, that's comedy gold. That big boost in size is making things a little tight in there. He's getting into the fetal position now out of necessity more than anything. There's more room in there, but not much! He is floating around in there head-down, ready to go! Don't worry, that doesn't mean he's making an early entrance. More often than not, babies end up head down in there just because that's the heaviest part of them.

What else, you ask? His immune system and respiratory systems are improving. He's becoming more self-sufficient as he grows. After all, he won't be able to sponge off of mommy for much longer! His rapidly developing brain has matured to the point that he can process information from all 5 senses now. And while his skeleton is fully formed, his skull is still soft. That is by design, can you believe it? It makes a lot of sense actually, because once he busts outta there he will have a lot of squeezing ahead of him. Its better for everyone involved to let everything be a little more flexible. That's the reason that babies have a "soft spot" for the first year or so after they're born. All of the bones that make up the skull still have to grow and fuse together, and that big junction in the back takes a while to close up.

He's in a regular eat-sleep-pee routine now. Some people would think that eating, sleeping, and peeing in the same location is a gross thing, and I like to call these people…..NOT GUYS. Come on, have you SEEN my dad? If he could do all three things in the same room, he'd call that heaven! You can't really argue with the convenience factor either.

The one major change this week is that baby brother has had a change in his skin color. He has gone from a dark red to a pinkish color. As he packs on the pounds, that dilutes that blood red color. The only question that remains there is - will he have mommy's white skin, or daddy's tan? Only time will tell.

Alright folks, that's it for now. I've gotta grab a snack, then go potty, then maybe take a nap. If I get lucky, maybe I'll be able to do all three in the same room like my baby brother. Quick, daddy! Pull a mattress into the bathroom!!!

Don't forget to vote on the baby names over to the right side of the baby. Until next time!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 30 - Truckin'

Hey y'all! Its time for your weekly baby blog update! We're in week 30 already and baby brother is fast approaching. But if you hear a revving engine in the distance, its not the baby. No, its not daddy's stomach either. Its a dream for every little boy on the planet…

MONSTER TRUCKS!!!!

That's right! We're going to watch the monster trucks drive around (and over) stuff. Loud noises, flashing lights, and senseless violence and destruction….what else could a little boy want? I'll be sure to share a report on the show in next week's blog. But until then, I'm going to show my excitement by talking in the monster truck announcer voice! Heck, maybe I could do the rest of the blog in a monster truck show voice! Lets give it a try.

"THIS WEEK ONLY, BABY BROTHER WEIGHS IN AT A STAGGERING, EARTH-SHATTERING 3LBS!!!"

"WATCH IN AWE AS HE GROWS TO A MIND-BOGGLING 16" TALL!!!!"

"WATCH HIM GROW, TONIGHT FROM 3 TO 7!!!!!!! YOU'LL PAY FULL PRICE FOR THE SEAT, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDDDDDDGGGEEE!!!!!"

Okay, I'm not sure how well it translates into the written word, but trust me its funny in person.

As I said before the wrestling match took place, we are up to 3 pounds and 16 inches tall. At this point a lot of the lanugo is being shed. Don't remember Lanugo? Just go back and read the details if you'd like. These fine hairs were needed earlier on for warmth but they are no longer needed. And if you're wondering WHY they're not needed anymore….just LOOK at him! My little brother is adding fat to his frame quicker than Oprah Winfrey at a breakfast buffet in Vegas. All of this fat serves as insulation so now he can shed the fur coat.

"WATCH IN AMAZEMENT AS THE FUR HITS THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!!"

Sorry, the monster truck voice came back. We should probably move on to the next topic before it comes back. Lets talk respiratory and digestive systems! They're both "done", more or less. Breathing won't be a problem now, and he'll be able to actually eat for himself instead of getting lunch from the "chow tube". I'm sorry, but that's just a lame way to get introduced into the Wide World of Food. Oh well, he'll just have a little bit of "bottle time" to go and then he can join me in sharing a basket of fries. 

The rest of the week has to do with things either being smooth or rough. First up, his skin. Up until now, he looked like someone went out and bought a baby suit 3 sizes to big and put it on him. Wrinkles, "loose" skin, etc. was the norm for two reasons. He had to have ROOM to grow, plus he was so tiny that there was nothing there to really "fill out" his body. Now with all of this fat being added to his frame, my little brother is pretty dang soft and smooth to touch. 

And then back from smooth to rough, or should I say "ridgey". His little brain is getting more ridges and folds every day which is an indication of his attempts to rival my own quick wit. To this, I merely chuckle and say "good luck with that"! You actually think you have what it takes to match wits with me kid? HA! When we finally have our first showdown, we'll have to borrow the monster truck announcer guy to do the play by play.

"COME SEE THE KIDDIE CARNAGE!!!!!! IT'S A BATTLE OF THE BROTHERS!!! A FRATERNAL FRACAS!!!!! THE SIBLING SHOWDOWN!!!!!!!"

And last but not least, I have a easy-to-follow cheat sheet that shows how to "read" a pregnant woman's belly. By watching my mom's belly move, I've developed a way to tell what part of baby brother is peeking through. I call it my "bump decoder"!

Hard "spot" = baby's head or butt

Long flat surface = baby's back

Short flat surface = baby's arm and/or leg

Small spots = baby's fists and/or feet

Large lump with strange ticking sound = baby brother found my leftover explosives and is planning to blast his way out.

Alright, that's it for this week. Don't forget to go vote on the baby names of the week over on the right side of the screen. And in the words of the monster truck commercial guy….

"ITS THE COUNTDOWN TO POTTY-GEDDON AS ANDREW BATTLES THE POTTY IN THE BATHROOM OF DOOM!!! ITS ABOUT TO GET….DIRTY!!!!!!!!!!"

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 29 - Peeking In

Hello there Andrew fans! Oh yeah, and the soon-to-be-baby-brother fans too. Welcome to Week 29. Its a fun little week filled with all sorts of fun facts. Let's get started! 

First off, let's crunch some numbers. Right now baby brother is between 15"-16" tall, and weighs almost albs. From here on out, he's going to put on about a half pound per week. His body fat percentage is up to about 3.5% right now and will continue to grow. This is a banner week for weight because going by his current weight, he'll be between 2-3 times as heavy when he actually arrives.

 Last week his brain stole the headlines as the big development of the week, and its still a big deal this week. Billions of neurons are forming every day. Yeah, BILLIONS. I'm not sure how many hands I would need to count that high but I know it would take more than 2. I just tried. His little noggin is growing in an effort to make room for the growing brain. This growth is giving him all kinds of new abilities, like being able to control his own breathing. Its on auto-pilot now, and his lungs are developed to the point now that he actually COULD breathe air if he had to. Another step towards the Great Egress.

Slowly but surely, he's becoming more and more self-sufficient. His bone marrow is now completely in charge of his red blood cell production. He won't be stealing any more of mommy's red blood cells anymore - there's no need to! This all leads into a process called "hematopoiesis", and if you know what this means without looking it up then I'm severely impressed. For those of you who aren't knee-deep in medical studies, "hematopoiesis" refers to the building up of all the important blood components. Baby Brother's spleen is now in charge of producing all of the blood-related goodies that he needs. No more "mommy poaching"!

That being said, he's not TOTALLY independent yet. He still steals food from mommy on a regular basis, and is the KING of stealing calcium. Its all a plan to give him bigger, stronger bones. If mommy doesn't take in enough calcium for his liking, that's fine - because he will actually leach it out of her body. Pretty sneaky move for such a little guy, huh?

He's also stealing a peek at the world now. I told you earlier how he could see light, right? Well now he will turn his head in the direction of the light. Not only that, he can also move his eyes arrow and follow the action….without even moving his head! That's pretty impressive considering the type of people I've seen walking this streets in the world today. Most can barely walk and chew gum at the same time!

That's all of the developments that I can see from here right now, but never fear - I've got some hardcore scouting coming up soon! I finally convinced daddy to get some 3D ultrasound video work done, so I'll be able to actually lay eyes on my little pint-sized adversary. I'll be able to watch him, listen to him, and scout his every move. When that happens, I'll post it for all to see so EVERYONE will know what we're up against. Make no mistake people - he's not just out to get me, he's out to get us all! 

Together we can beat him! Together we will prevail! Together we…..

Uh oh. Potty time! Gotta run! Go vote on baby names and I'll talk to you guys soon!

Andrew Joiner, Baby Brother

Week 28 - A New Development

Hello there, Andrew fans! Welcome to week 28. And yes, I consider all of you to be Andrew fans first. Everybody know that the 3 year old that's cooler than the other side of the pillow should have quite a following. Behold! Andrew the Great is here!

Before we start discussing my little brother, I want to discuss a far more interesting topic - ME! The big "happening" in my world lately is graduating into a new class at school. New room, new teachers, new books, and new playtimes in the afternoon. All of that stuff is fine and dandy, but that's not even the coolest part of class. You know what is the best part?

Older chicks.

Yep, they're all digging the new kid in class. Mia, Sophia, even that strange girl in class that likes to eat paper - they're all about me right now. Can you blame them?

Before anybody starts complaining that I'm bragging too much, let me move on and give you a couple updates on my little brother. It looks like he's still getting ready for our throwndown in April. While I'm confident that I can still take this little guy without much problem, he has the luxury of spending all of his time getting ready for this one event. Meanwhile I'm super busy. I've got a pot on all the burners here, between coloring, dancing, reading, playing cars, and beating up daddy, I'm just swamped! Here's the latest scouting report on his growth…

This week is a big week for him. Its called the "period of fetal viability". At this point, if he were to sneak out of mommy early he would have a 90% chance of survival - and a 100% chance of me kicking his butt. Don't get me wrong, I don't really have anything against the little guy but I've gotta let him know who's boss. 

The big step this week is his brain development. Up until now his little baby brain was smooth. Now, it is developing ridges and grooves. This is a sign of increased brain development. It also means that the little bugger is getting smarter by the day but then again, so am I! That means that his brain development is a wash, so the advantage goes to the more experienced guy - ME. Whew! For a second that brain development thing had me worried. I'm glad I thought that one through. He has started dreaming as a result of this development, which is rather appropriate. If you think you're gonna beat ME little brother - KEEP DREAMING!!!

He has another not-so-threatening development this week - he's coughing. Coughing, sucking his thumb, and hiccuping. The coughing and hiccuping thing is a result of his "breathing practice" that he keeps doing in there. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that this is a pretty funky experience. Seriously. Breathing LIQUID? Especially the same liquid that you're peeing in? Its equal parts of freaky and gross. He doesn't know any better, but man once he gets out of there and breathes AIR he's gonna look at mommy and wonder why she didn't throw a couple of scuba tanks in there or something.

Sucking his thumb? That's another story. Its all about learning to eat. He's not going to be attached to that feeding tube forever! Its too bad though, cause its pretty awesome to just sit back and have food not just brought to you, but automatically put into your tummy! Man, that's full service right there. Whoever the waiter was on the other end of my tube should get a big tip.

Physically he continues to sprout. This week he's around 15" tall and weighs 2.5lbs. He's really starting to weigh mommy down. She's getting really front-heavy, and he continues to swing those little baby legs into her ribs with surprising regularity. He's more active than the average little boy according to the doctor, so it sounds like he's putting himself through two-a-days in there in preparation for our meeting. Its really starting to show too, because he's only at about 2-3% body fat right now. That's one slim and trim little guy!

Okay, that's all for now. I've got a meeting with the potty, and I don't want to be late! Don't forget to vote for the baby names on the right side of the page, and I'll seeya next week!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 27 - He's got the beat!

Hello everyone, and welcome to week 27 of the baby blog! And don't get confused - I call this a "baby blog" because of my little brother, not me. I am NOT a baby! I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT!!

So what's new around Camp Joiner, you ask? PLENTY! First off, the big announcement - my baby brother is fully formed! Now, does that mean he's ready to be born? Noooooooooooooooo, but it does mean that all of his little pieces and parts are in place and built. Now, its just a matter of leaving him in there to cook for a little while. And when I say cook, I mean grow. Yep, nothing left to add to his little frame but a few extra pounds. I bet mommy is glad to hear that! Yeah sure, more weight, pile it on. At this point he could be born and be okay with a little TLC from the doctors, but there's no way I'm letting him off that easy. He needs to be born at his fighting weight so we can go toe-to-toe on Day 1!

At this point, growth is pretty much the name of the game. Right now, BabyBro is weighing it at around 2 lbs and is 14.5" tall. I can't recall how that measures up to what I was, but I'm sure I was bigger and badder at that point in my life. I mean, just look at this picture - "big and bad" is my middle name!

So as he gets bigger, my little brother will start testing the limitation of my old apartment. True, it'll get a bit cramped in there, but help is on the way! Mommy is starting to produce this stuff called progesterone now, which aids in the relaxation of her muscles and allows my old room to expand. Funny thing is, I didn't know what progesterone was. Seriously. I had to google it last night. It says that its a type of hormone, which is WAY off base from what I thought it was. I thought it sounded like the name of a fancy soup.

Hey, stop laughing! Too much of that will cause hiccups! And forgive the obvious segue but that is exactly what is plaguing my little brother right now. Hiccups! I don't know if he's laughing in there right now, but if he IS I'm assuming that he saw daddy's laughable struggles to take down the Christmas decorations. You haven't seen a knee-slappin' good time as funny as this! A grown man jumping and reaching for little Santas and snowmen will make you well up in tears. 

Speaking of those hiccups - I don't know if they played any part in this but all of a sudden he's got rhythm! Its like he needed the "beat" of his own hiccup to get him going, and now he's jamming out with me! He can move to the beat of music, so its my job to find some good tunes for him to listen to. This includes the music for the Hot Dog Dance on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and yes, the entire soundtrack to "Scott Pilgram vs. the World". Its not exactly a toddler-appropriate movie and I don't get many of the jokes, but I LOVE dancing to the music!

And after all of that dancing we nap. We have to. Dancing as intense as this necessitates a "recharge". If you've seen me dance you'll understand why. It has also helped little brother get into a regular sleep cycle. In fact, I could almost set my watch by his sleep habits….if I had one. Which I don't. Its 2013 - who needs a WATCH??? Anyways, he's sleeping normal "shifts" and fights back whenever I give him a little push or pat. At least, I think that's him I'm pushing on. Either that or mommy hit the Taco Bell drive through and isn't feeling well. I'm hoping its the first one.

With that napping comes one of my old favorite activities from back in the day - thumbsucking. Yep, right now BabyBro is developing a fun little habit. Not only is it fun….it actually serves a purpose! It is practice for him so he'll know how to eat when he pops out. Not that I'm worried about him eating - he's a Joiner! Have you SEEN us eat? We eat way above our weight class, that's for sure.

And to wrap this week up, I have one more cool little fact. Baby Brother is blinking. Yep, blinking! He can see basic images, light and dark, etc, etc. As his vision gets more crisp, he'll probably notice my old posters on the wall, a full hamper in the corner, and a stack of empty pizza boxes. Don't ask me how that happened, it just did.

That's it for week 27! Don't forget to vote on the baby names of the week. Remember, every vote is a vote for a nice, normal name and not one that will scar him for life. Help the little guy out. Daddy actually asked mommy if we could name him "RoboJeff" the other day so yes, your vote DEFINITELY matters!!!!!!!!!!

Time to potty. I'm out! Seeya next week.

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 26 - A Little Peek...

Week 26 is here. Its 2013, the Year of My Brother. Can you believe we're this close to him being here? And he's growing like crazy as usual! Right now he's a little bit under 2 lbs, and is 14 inches tall! But hey, don't let that impress you, check THIS out.

Guess who is tall enough to ride a rollercoaster now? ME! Yep, that death-defying machine known as the Grovercoaster was calling my name, and after getting measured up by the park people, I got a cool wristband with "38" on it so that nobody would hassle me about my height. So yeah, take THAT baby brother! Sure, you're growing faster than me right now, but lets see you try to sneak on the Grovercoaster. Guess what? Not happening. You've gotta earn that right buddy. I did, and I have the wristband to prove it.

Moving back on topic to Baby Brother now - even though I'm quite the fun subject to talk about! Most of his moves this week are of a fluid nature. Yes, that was a bit of a play on words, so stick with me here. My old apartment has amped up its self-cleaning system, because it constantly replaces the amniotic fluid every hour now. That's one clean swimming pool! It needs to be cleaned too, because Baby Bro now has a fully functional set of oil and sweat glands. I don't know why the oil glands need to be around, but there's DEFINITELY a reason why he needs sweat glands. No, its not to cool him, its for ME! That's right - he better sweat his Big Brother Andrew, because since I outrank him, he has to do as I say. Hey man, seniority is a GOOD THING, so you better listen to me!

And speaking of listening, his ears are developing new pathways now, which means better hearing. That means there's no excuse not to hear what I say and follow orders. I fully expect that he uses these ears for GOOD, not evil. That means no eavesdropping little guy!  For now, just concentrate on listening to some music and moving to the beat. And for heaven's sake, develop some rhythm like daddy! Its one of the few things he actually does right.

Now I know all of this sweaty, oily, hearing fun sounds interesting to you, but there's a really big development this week that I haven't told you about yet. His eyes! As you remember from last week his eyes finally have some color to them, but NOW his eyelids have finally separated. Because of this, he can see differences in light and dark. I can only assume he's doing this deliberately to spy on me. I'll have to counter his spying with some Nightvision goggles or something. I must operate under total darkness if I have any chance of plotting and planning to catch him by surprise on his Zero-th Birthday.

Since he can open and close his eyelids at will, he has also developed a pretty regular sleep pattern. He must have found my old alarm clock with his open eyes, because he is awake and asleep pretty consistently. When is he awake and active the most? When mommy is resting, of course. He waits until she relaxes and then, BOOM! A swift kick to the ribs and/or bladder. I take great pride in this. I can only assume that he gets this from me.

Alright, I've gotta cut this short. Its time to potty and grab some chow. In that order. Don't forget to vote on the baby names over on the right side of the page. Seeya next week!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 25 - A Clone War?

Week 25. My time as an only child is quickly drawing to a close. 4 months from now HE will be here. I still need to work on some anti-baby fortifications to protect me and my toys, and I better hurry because THIS week is looking to be a HUGE week of growth for my little brother.

To begin with, he's substantially taller and bigger than last week. He's up to 13.5" tall and weighs about a pound and a half. His size at this age suspiciously mirrors my own. Do we have a copycat on our hands? Or is mommy making an Andrew Clone?

Two of me? Now that would be cool. I could send the clone to school while I hung out with daddy all day. Sure, you might THINK that a day of sitting around in my underwear playing Playstation might seem a bit unfulfilling, but you have to realize that I'm no dummy - I'd ask Clone Andrew to take notes all day long and bring them to me at the end of the day. You know, like a little Toddler Briefing. I could also send him on random "milk runs" to the fridge, use him as a step so I can reach things up high….I could go on and on with all of the possibilities.

I'm not sure if Clone Andrew has the same color HAIR that I do, but I DO know that that sneaky little bugger has finally shed his freaky baby look and got some color in his eyes. That's right, little brother is rocking the baby blues! Not that its a surprise or anything - all babies are born with blue eyes before changing - but its cool to know. If I could take a peek in my old apartment I couldn't quite verify the color though. His eyelids are still shut and won't separate for another week or so. Trust me though, they're blue.

I remember those days well. I would just give girls a look with those baby blues and they'd turn to putty and make "awwwwww" sounds all day long. And now? My eyes are brown but I still get the same response because now they are reacting to the Total Package that is Andrew James Joiner!

Between those baby blues, little brother has finally had a breakthrough…and its a cool one too! His nostrils have opened up. So now he can "breathe" fluid through his nose! Yeah that's a cool party trick, but as a young boy NO nose trick is cooler than a good nose picking. Its funny AND it helps me to breathe better. I mean, what else am I supposed to do with those things in there?

Speaking of breathing, Baby Bro is one blood vessel growing machine. He is CONSTANTLY sprouting these things in his lungs (breathing that fluid is good practice, and the blood vessels "practice" too). But the fun doesn't stop there. Oooohhhhhhhhhhh no it doesn't. He is growing blood vessels like a chia pet because he's got so many throughout his body that his skin is turning pink. PINK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Hey man, get a tan! You've gotta catch up to me and daddy! That pink skin thing is funny. You look like a giant piece of Hubba Bubba with appendages! (*NOTE* - I don't know what "Hubba Bubba" is exactly, but I asked daddy for a comparison and he pulled that out of his dusty, old man memories.)

Other fun growth facts for BabyBoy Joiner include a still growing, yet fully structured spine, pigmentation of the hair, and a gold Rolex on his wrist. Nah, just kidding about the watch. What would he need to tell time for? Its not like he has to get up and go to a job or anything. He can just chill, eat, and grow. What a life that was.

Its not about the physical growth though. Baby Brother is honing his ninja-like movements and skills in there this week. I know people that know people that have seen it happen, plus I've seen mommy's tummy move so I've got firsthand proof. 

His first and most dangerous development - he can make a fist. Aw man. I was hoping he'd not notice how to do this, but it looks like he figured it out. He could already wiggle his fingers and stuff - a relatively harmless movement - but now the Baby Fist of Fury has been formed and I'll have my work cut out for me. He's also "showing his hand" in the literal sense as he is developing "handedness". He prefers one side over the other but despite all of my contacts on the inside I can't quite tell which side that is. Me and mommy are righties, and daddy is a lefty. Is he here to bring balance to the force, or are we all striving to NOT be like daddy? Only time will tell.

A by-product of the baby fist is grabbing things. Baby Brother LOVES grabbing things, his feet in particular. It looks like he's stretching, like some sort of pre-birth baby warmup routine. Hey kid, slow things down. You've got time. No need to warm up just yet! 

Involuntary movements - reflexes - are starting to happen too! Holy crap, he's got reflexes now? He's taking all of my cool tricks. And he's learning them at roughly the same time that I did too. What gives? Come up with your OWN tricks, you copycat! Or should I say … Clone? I'm telling you, this Clone theory of mine is really starting to make sense. But getting back to the reflexes, if he happens to move his hand by his face and it touches, he'll instantly start sucking his thumb! He will also jump if he hears a loud sound. And if that's not enough, he's also starting to remember voices so he can actually tell who's who! I hope he didn't remember that stuff I whispered to him the last time I got near mommy's tummy. I was taunting him with my plans of attack - I hope he forgets those!

Alright, enough of the blog. I've got a potty to soil. Don't forget to vote on the baby names of the week!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother