Welcome to week 39, Baby Stalkers! Its the week to announce the Baby Name Champion! We've gone from 32 down to 1. You voted every week, and now the results are here. The last week received more votes than any other, and the name is.......going to be announced at the end of the blog. You have to behave and not scroll down to the end first. That's cheating. Read the whole blog!
We're on the home stretch now, just a few more days to go! But how MANY days? HA! I'll never tell. I really can't hide the fact that I'm pretty much stretched out in here from "coast to coast" so mom and dad know that the escape is coming sometime soon. I was hoping I could be a little more incognito, but they did something a little unexpected. They went on a reconaissance mission.
Recon. Dang it. I didn't see that coming. Those wiley old people finally got one past me. I expected a little bit of monitoring, but another ultrasound? Man, that's cheating! I tried to cover up my escape plans, etc. and was fairly successful at that, but they managed to get a couple shots of my face. Do you know what that means? Now all of the wanted posters at the post office get a new updated photo! My cover has been blown - time to don my fake moustache and beard and hope they mistake me for another baby when I escape.
"Who me? Naw man, I'm not the baby you're looking for. I think I saw the guy though. He's right behind me and dressed up like a placenta. Don't let him fool you!" Heh heh heh....that plan is absolutely FOOLPROOF.Yeah that's right, I'm throwing that no good placenta character under the bus. He tried my patience one too many times, and now the tables have turned. I began my vengeful plot last night when I waited until he was sleeping. As soon as he drifted off to dream about whatever it is that placentas dream about, I stole a bunch of antibodies from him. With this newly acquired stash I'll be able to fight off a lot of the nastiness of the outside world.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not afraid of the outside world. I actually feel bad for everyone out there. They have absolutely no idea what is heading their way soon. 7+ pounds of baby is laying in wait as we speak. If I wait much longer, we'll be talking 8+ pounds of diaper-filling fury. It is the outside world that should tremble in fear, not me!
For those of you who follow the rules, the winning name is Brandon James. For the cheaters who go right to the end, I'll post a fake winning name and just blow their mind. But you'll know the truth. It'll be our little secret. Plus I'll throw in some garbage about that being the selected name. I can't wait to see who falls for it. And now back to the blog - lets talk baby weight!
That's right, as of the ultrasound recon mission on Tuesday, I was just a little under 7.25lbs. And that was before all of the Christmas cookies and snacks! Man, I don't know who this "Christmas" guy is, but he sure knew how to party. I get presents, candy, AND football is on! And for some reason there's an inordinate amount of red and green colored things all over the place.
And speaking of colors, I'm changing colors right now! Like the mighty chameleon, I'm changing colors to blend into my environment like baby camo. Okay that's a big lie. I'm changing color but it has to do with the ever-increasing amounts of fat on my body. I've gone from a pinkish color to a white or blue/pink combo. I'm hoping I turn orange and blue naturally after this because if I don't, I'm breaking out the facepaint. Hey, I told you last week that I'd do it!
That might make me look a little odd at birth, but to be honest I think I'm going to look a little odd at birth regardless of what I do. I mean think about it - my head is going to be all coned-up, I'll be short 'n pudgy, and I'll cry and poop a lot. Basically daddy without the conehead and pudge. I know what you're thinking - babies are beautiful and they ARE. But when I pop out looking like a miniature version of Winston Churchhill with a pointy head, who's going to call THAT cute? It'll take a few days for my TRUE cuteness for achieve maximum potential. In the meantime, don't point fingers and judge. You're no prize either!
And before I forget, I have my "Totally Pointless Baby Fact of the Week" for you. Did you know that I won't cry when I'm born? I mean, I'll scream my head off, but I won't shed a tear. That's because my tear ducts aren't fully functional until a couple weeks after birth. Well, that and the fact that I'm one tough little S.O.B. that doesn't cry.
And finally, the Baby Bracket Champion! The votes ended in a tie, so instead of taking the two names into some sort of tiebreaker scheme I decided to just randomly pick a new one. Dylan Michael Joiner. That's it! And I've talked with mom and dad and it looks like THIS will be my real name! I know we said we weren't going to decide until birth, but this name fits like a glove!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, December 25, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Week 38 - Being Tested
Hello there, all of you baby lovers! Welcome to Week 38. We’ve got a lot of updatin’ to do, so lets get right to business.
First off, lets get the Baby Tale of the Tape out of the way. I’m at a little over 7 pounds and a little over 19 inches tall. And for your “weird baby fact of the week”, here’s something weird for you to learn – my head and abdomen are about the same circumference right now. I’m not sure if that means I’ve got a big head or a big belly, but it’s a little odd that I look like a double-sided weeble-wobble person. Remember, weeble-wobbles wobble but they don’t fall down!
You don’t remember that song? Seriously? Well if you don’t, you’re either a lot older or a WHOLE lot younger than my mom and dad. From what they say, those things were all the rage back when they were kids. I can only imagine the other kinds of toys they had back then, like rocks and sticks to play with and dinosaurs for pets.
But enough about those two relics I call parents, lets get back to me and my weight gain. At this point, I’m basically growing an ounce a day until I’m born. I know that may seem small to all of you, but just think about it. I started out WEIGHING just an ounce or two. Now I’m growing that much each day! I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty dang cool.
Another new thing for this week is that I’m unveiling my new trick. I now have a killer, baby-vise-like grip. If you don’t believe me, just give me a finger when you meet me and I’ll absolutely crush it. Just don’t give me that middle finger. I know what that means and that’s not a very nice thing to do in front of a baby. Did Philly fans raise you? Nice manners.
Well since we’re talkin’ about my baby paws, its time to bring up my fingernails. They were full grown WEEKS ago, so now they’re a little overgrown. I’ve actually started referring to them as “Baby Talons” because they stick out past my fingertips. Typing ain’t easy when you’ve got these things in the way. They make for some good scratchin’, but I may end up cutting myself a little with these things if I’m not careful. Dad better cut these things once I pop out of here. I don’t want to look like some weird hippie!
While growth might be a bad thing for fingernails, its all good when it comes to the ol’ Gray Matter! My brain and nerves are continuing to grow and mature, and they won’t stop anytime soon. Nope, not even after birth! They’ll grow and grow and grow until my teenage years, when I’m sure I’ll know everything. I mean, isn’t that how things work? Don’t teenagers know it all?
Yeah, that’s my baby sarcasm kicking in. I hear the kind of things that daddy yells to teenagers, so I know the score.
Other than that, the only other thing that’s growing that I haven’t told you about is my collection of meconium. Yep, I’m preparing that first poop every day. I’m lying in wait for daddy to pick me up and then - BLAM! I’ll unleash 9-plus months of fury from the nonspeaking end. Oh yes, I’ll get him back for every poke at my feet, every prod at my back, and every “hey, are you awake?” that he yelled into my ears. Of COURSE I’m awake you moron! You yelled right into my ears!!!!!
My wrath will be of biblical proportions Old Man. You better cash in your 401K for a big supply of baby wipes because you’re going to be busy for a while! Don’t you test me any further! If you do I’ll have no choice but to make a run to Taco Bell and order everything on the Value Menu. God help you if I make it to the burritos.
Speaking of testing (and NOT speaking of the Old Man), everyone is buzzing about this thing called an APGAR test. What the hell is this about? I haven’t even been BORN yet and we’re talking about tests? I don’t know if I’m ready for this. The only thing that’s been tested so far is my patience at the hands of these bumbling parents of mine.
So what’s the deal with this test? Is it multiple choice or essay questions? Is it a Scan-Tron test? Do I need a Number 2 pencil? (I hear those things are very important so I can only assume that they give you superpowers) Will I have to run an obstacle course and beat a certain time? For the love of Infant-Baby-Jesus, would you just TELL me what this thing is about?
Oh heck with waiting on the parents to answer. I’m going online. Let’s see what it says here.. Hmmm. Interesting. According to this thing, I get tested TWICE with the same materials. A perfect score is 10, so I can assume a score of zero means you’re a turnip. It looks like there are 5 categories, 2 points each. Lets break this thing down.
First category is “color”. Looks like I get 2 points for being pink all over, 1 point for being kinda pink, and no points if I’m all blue. Okay, this is a bunch of crap. I’m a boy! Pink is for girls! I think I’m going to just blow their mind and paint myself up Orange and Blue in honor of my beloved Gators. Here, score THIS doctors!
Next category is labeled “respiratory”. I thought they’d be checking my breathing with a title like that, but it looks like I’m scored based on how strong and loud I can cry. Wow. Have they not met my dad yet? With his “yellin’ genes”, I might score 5 or 6 points in this category alone! 2 points my pink little butt – I’m blowing THIS test out of the water!
The third category is “heart rate”. It says I get 2 points for a heart rate over 100 beats per minute, 1 point for a heart rate under 100 beats per minute, and no points for a heart rate of…..well…zero. Little do these poor fools know that I’m studying for this test, so all I have to do is get on the treadmill like daddy does and knock out a few miles to get my heart rate up. Then they’ll be impressed, think I’m Superbaby (which I am), and move on to the next part.
That aforementioned part is called “muscle tone”. Hell yeah! Now I finally get to flex in front of all the pretty nurses at the hospital. And if anybody gives me a weird look for doing it I’ll just say “hey man, I’m taking a test. Mind your business”. My parents don’t realize it, but I’ve been working out while they sleep. Just look at my arms in those ultrasound pictures. It ain’t a secret sweetheart, I’m a machine!
The last thing they have listed is “reflexes”. This one’s got me a little worried, because according to what I’m reading – I get more points for CRYING! What the HELL are they going to do to me? I get one point for “fussing a little”, and no points if I don’t cry. Hey man, ever stop and think that maybe I’m just one tough S.O.B. and I don’t cry for every little thing? What a bunch of crap. They should give me points for NOT crying.
And where are my mom and dad while all this is going on? For the love of God, these people are going to make me cry and you’re just going to STAND there? Well, I’m glad all of you readers get to see what great role models they’re going to be for me. “Hey, lets stand here and watch the baby suffer. The more he suffers and cries, the higher the score!” You insufferable sadists!
They say a score between an 8 and a 10 is a high score and means that I’m “in very good condition”. Psssssh. Tell me something I don’t know geniuses.
Alright, enough of that crap. I’m done with testing. Its time to get on with something much more interesting – the Baby Bracket!!! Its Championship Week, and we’ve whittled the list down from 32 possibilities to this final pair. After receiving a TON of votes this week, its official – Brandon James Joiner and James Logan Joiner are the two left standing. The Baby Bracket at the bottom of the page has been updated, so go check it out.
Thanks to everyone for voting so far, and be sure to vote this week. Remember, the name that wins THIS week will be one of the names that my mom and dad will take to the hospital with them. So here it is – democracy in action. Make your voice heard because you could NAME ME FOR LIFE! Come back next week to find out which name made the cut!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin’!
-BabyBoy Joiner
First off, lets get the Baby Tale of the Tape out of the way. I’m at a little over 7 pounds and a little over 19 inches tall. And for your “weird baby fact of the week”, here’s something weird for you to learn – my head and abdomen are about the same circumference right now. I’m not sure if that means I’ve got a big head or a big belly, but it’s a little odd that I look like a double-sided weeble-wobble person. Remember, weeble-wobbles wobble but they don’t fall down!
You don’t remember that song? Seriously? Well if you don’t, you’re either a lot older or a WHOLE lot younger than my mom and dad. From what they say, those things were all the rage back when they were kids. I can only imagine the other kinds of toys they had back then, like rocks and sticks to play with and dinosaurs for pets.
But enough about those two relics I call parents, lets get back to me and my weight gain. At this point, I’m basically growing an ounce a day until I’m born. I know that may seem small to all of you, but just think about it. I started out WEIGHING just an ounce or two. Now I’m growing that much each day! I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty dang cool.
Another new thing for this week is that I’m unveiling my new trick. I now have a killer, baby-vise-like grip. If you don’t believe me, just give me a finger when you meet me and I’ll absolutely crush it. Just don’t give me that middle finger. I know what that means and that’s not a very nice thing to do in front of a baby. Did Philly fans raise you? Nice manners.
Well since we’re talkin’ about my baby paws, its time to bring up my fingernails. They were full grown WEEKS ago, so now they’re a little overgrown. I’ve actually started referring to them as “Baby Talons” because they stick out past my fingertips. Typing ain’t easy when you’ve got these things in the way. They make for some good scratchin’, but I may end up cutting myself a little with these things if I’m not careful. Dad better cut these things once I pop out of here. I don’t want to look like some weird hippie!
While growth might be a bad thing for fingernails, its all good when it comes to the ol’ Gray Matter! My brain and nerves are continuing to grow and mature, and they won’t stop anytime soon. Nope, not even after birth! They’ll grow and grow and grow until my teenage years, when I’m sure I’ll know everything. I mean, isn’t that how things work? Don’t teenagers know it all?
Yeah, that’s my baby sarcasm kicking in. I hear the kind of things that daddy yells to teenagers, so I know the score.
Other than that, the only other thing that’s growing that I haven’t told you about is my collection of meconium. Yep, I’m preparing that first poop every day. I’m lying in wait for daddy to pick me up and then - BLAM! I’ll unleash 9-plus months of fury from the nonspeaking end. Oh yes, I’ll get him back for every poke at my feet, every prod at my back, and every “hey, are you awake?” that he yelled into my ears. Of COURSE I’m awake you moron! You yelled right into my ears!!!!!
My wrath will be of biblical proportions Old Man. You better cash in your 401K for a big supply of baby wipes because you’re going to be busy for a while! Don’t you test me any further! If you do I’ll have no choice but to make a run to Taco Bell and order everything on the Value Menu. God help you if I make it to the burritos.
Speaking of testing (and NOT speaking of the Old Man), everyone is buzzing about this thing called an APGAR test. What the hell is this about? I haven’t even been BORN yet and we’re talking about tests? I don’t know if I’m ready for this. The only thing that’s been tested so far is my patience at the hands of these bumbling parents of mine.
So what’s the deal with this test? Is it multiple choice or essay questions? Is it a Scan-Tron test? Do I need a Number 2 pencil? (I hear those things are very important so I can only assume that they give you superpowers) Will I have to run an obstacle course and beat a certain time? For the love of Infant-Baby-Jesus, would you just TELL me what this thing is about?
Oh heck with waiting on the parents to answer. I’m going online. Let’s see what it says here.. Hmmm. Interesting. According to this thing, I get tested TWICE with the same materials. A perfect score is 10, so I can assume a score of zero means you’re a turnip. It looks like there are 5 categories, 2 points each. Lets break this thing down.
First category is “color”. Looks like I get 2 points for being pink all over, 1 point for being kinda pink, and no points if I’m all blue. Okay, this is a bunch of crap. I’m a boy! Pink is for girls! I think I’m going to just blow their mind and paint myself up Orange and Blue in honor of my beloved Gators. Here, score THIS doctors!
Next category is labeled “respiratory”. I thought they’d be checking my breathing with a title like that, but it looks like I’m scored based on how strong and loud I can cry. Wow. Have they not met my dad yet? With his “yellin’ genes”, I might score 5 or 6 points in this category alone! 2 points my pink little butt – I’m blowing THIS test out of the water!
The third category is “heart rate”. It says I get 2 points for a heart rate over 100 beats per minute, 1 point for a heart rate under 100 beats per minute, and no points for a heart rate of…..well…zero. Little do these poor fools know that I’m studying for this test, so all I have to do is get on the treadmill like daddy does and knock out a few miles to get my heart rate up. Then they’ll be impressed, think I’m Superbaby (which I am), and move on to the next part.
That aforementioned part is called “muscle tone”. Hell yeah! Now I finally get to flex in front of all the pretty nurses at the hospital. And if anybody gives me a weird look for doing it I’ll just say “hey man, I’m taking a test. Mind your business”. My parents don’t realize it, but I’ve been working out while they sleep. Just look at my arms in those ultrasound pictures. It ain’t a secret sweetheart, I’m a machine!
The last thing they have listed is “reflexes”. This one’s got me a little worried, because according to what I’m reading – I get more points for CRYING! What the HELL are they going to do to me? I get one point for “fussing a little”, and no points if I don’t cry. Hey man, ever stop and think that maybe I’m just one tough S.O.B. and I don’t cry for every little thing? What a bunch of crap. They should give me points for NOT crying.
And where are my mom and dad while all this is going on? For the love of God, these people are going to make me cry and you’re just going to STAND there? Well, I’m glad all of you readers get to see what great role models they’re going to be for me. “Hey, lets stand here and watch the baby suffer. The more he suffers and cries, the higher the score!” You insufferable sadists!
They say a score between an 8 and a 10 is a high score and means that I’m “in very good condition”. Psssssh. Tell me something I don’t know geniuses.
Alright, enough of that crap. I’m done with testing. Its time to get on with something much more interesting – the Baby Bracket!!! Its Championship Week, and we’ve whittled the list down from 32 possibilities to this final pair. After receiving a TON of votes this week, its official – Brandon James Joiner and James Logan Joiner are the two left standing. The Baby Bracket at the bottom of the page has been updated, so go check it out.
Thanks to everyone for voting so far, and be sure to vote this week. Remember, the name that wins THIS week will be one of the names that my mom and dad will take to the hospital with them. So here it is – democracy in action. Make your voice heard because you could NAME ME FOR LIFE! Come back next week to find out which name made the cut!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin’!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, December 11, 2009
Week 37 - Passing the Time
Greetings from Wombsville, USA! Its BabyBoy Joiner with your week 37 update.
Yes, week 37 is officially here. From here on out, I'm considered a "full term" baby. Do you know what that means? Nothing, except for the fact that a long time ago, some genius decided that 37 weeks meant that a baby "went the distance". It may seem like some big achievement, but come on man. Really?? I didn't put in all this work growing up just for some doctor to rest easy that I've hit his imaginary goal of maturity. Who is HE to say when maturity really happens? Look at my dad - he's in his 108th trimester and I don't know of a person on earth who would consider him "mature" at all!
That being said, there are benefits to hanging around in here. I get bigger, all of my food gets shot down a long tube, I can pee without soiling a diaper, the list goes on and on. The most important of them all is that my dad isn't pestering me to get a job or mow the yard. What's that dad? Clean my room? Its kinda hard to do when I can't EVEN REACH IT!!! Its a pretty sweet situation I've got in here. If you can get past the lack of legroom and constant bouncing around when mom walks, its just like heaven!
That being said, a baby in the next "cell" over from me actually made her escape this week. Congratulations to Daniella on a fast, healthy egress from her imprisonment. It was a bit strange though - she said she was waiting until AFTER I was born before she made her Great Escape. I can only assume that her mom and dad must've heard of her plans of liberation, forcing her to come early to maintain her edge of surprise. At any rate, I hope she manages to send me a cake with a file in it soon. The time to bust out is drawing near.
And speaking of escape, it looks like it is going to be a lot tougher than I originally planned. Why? Because I'm still growing while the only exit remains the EXACT same size. Six months ago, I could've backstroked through there and arrived with no problems. Now? I'm up to almost 19 inches tall and about 7 pounds - a far cry from my small stature all those many moons ago. Trying to escape through there now would be like herding cattle through a coffee straw, but I may have no other choice.
So until then, I'm just sitting here passing the time. I'm practicing my breathing, sucking, sleeping, gazing, and peeing. Wow. What fun. You think THAT doesn't get repetitive? I've tried a few other things to pass the time, but I have to admit I'm getting a little cagey in here. The first thing I tried in an attempt to NOT lose my mind was a slinky. I'll admit that the song was catchy, and yes I fell for it. But you know what I discovered? It DOESN'T walk downstairs, alone OR in pairs! And as far as that "slinkety" sound, I'll just say that all the buildup made the end result quite anti-climactic. So scratch the slinky off your christmas gift list - unless you plan to torment the hapless soul that you're giving it to!
Next up on the list of "things to amuse and distract the baby" was an etch-a-sketch, travel size of course. It seemed so simple yet so promising. All I needed was two knobs, and in exchange I was the sole ruler of that entire flat screen of.....of.....of whatever that stuff is. But after about 2 minutes of etching and sketching, I realized that all this pitiful excuse for an artistic device was good for, was DRAWING STAIRS!!! And don't you DARE point and laugh because I'm SURE that any of you that ever possessed one of these things did a nice up-and-over stair pattern, and then threw it in the corner! Ooooookay, strike two.
My last attempt at amusement this week was the Superball. Now THIS wasn't half bad. All I had to do was wind up, throw it as hard as I could, and it would bounce around like crazy in here. This was naturally followed by multiple chants of "oooo, I think he's kicking!" by my warden/mother. Yes, yes, go ahead and keep thinking that woman! I think I may have found a new diversionary tactic to keep her occupied while I plan out the final steps of my escape.
If you have any suggestions of things I can use to pass the time in here, feel free to pass along your ideas. Right now all I've got in here are lame toys and cortisone. Oh, I didn't tell you about the cortisone? Well, I'm making a ton of this stuff. So much in fact that I'm thinking of boxing and shipping some of it to sell on the black market. I only need a certain amount of cortisone to help my lungs when I start breathing actual AIR. The rest of this stuff has got to go to make room for my Superball and other worthless toys. Oh and speaking of breathing, I've started getting hiccups a lot. It comes from my breathing in this amniotic fluid in here and is considered to be a positive growth indicator.
Like the scale doesn't tell the tale? Seriously people, all you have to do is look at me and its obvious that growth ain't exactly a concern anymore.
But enough of the rambling! Its time to get on with the Baby Bracket! This week we've made it to the Final Four baby names. Only one name remains from each division, and now they will wage battle against each other in a very similar fashion to my battles against The Placenta! Week 37 features the "Battle of the James" and the "Battle of the Logan". Don't ask how it happened, life's just kinda funny that way. Brandon James takes on Connor James for the Northern Bracket matchup, while James Logan takes on Logan Riley for the Southern Bracket. Remember, the bracket gets updated each week at the bottom of the blog, so you can stay updated at all times.
Be sure to vote this week, because the names that survive THIS time go to the Baby Bracket Championship Game! Remember, the winning name will be one of the possible names that I will choose once I make my arrival.
Yes, I said MY CHOICE - do you really think I'd leave my name up to my mom and dad to decide on? HA! My mom can't even decide what to eat for dinner! And my dad? He'll vote for anything so long as it explodes or smells like pizza. These are NOT the kinds of people that I want in the decision making process! I'll simply pop out, let out a huge cry, and then point to the name I like. I may even slap them both just for good measure.
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Yes, week 37 is officially here. From here on out, I'm considered a "full term" baby. Do you know what that means? Nothing, except for the fact that a long time ago, some genius decided that 37 weeks meant that a baby "went the distance". It may seem like some big achievement, but come on man. Really?? I didn't put in all this work growing up just for some doctor to rest easy that I've hit his imaginary goal of maturity. Who is HE to say when maturity really happens? Look at my dad - he's in his 108th trimester and I don't know of a person on earth who would consider him "mature" at all!
That being said, there are benefits to hanging around in here. I get bigger, all of my food gets shot down a long tube, I can pee without soiling a diaper, the list goes on and on. The most important of them all is that my dad isn't pestering me to get a job or mow the yard. What's that dad? Clean my room? Its kinda hard to do when I can't EVEN REACH IT!!! Its a pretty sweet situation I've got in here. If you can get past the lack of legroom and constant bouncing around when mom walks, its just like heaven!
That being said, a baby in the next "cell" over from me actually made her escape this week. Congratulations to Daniella on a fast, healthy egress from her imprisonment. It was a bit strange though - she said she was waiting until AFTER I was born before she made her Great Escape. I can only assume that her mom and dad must've heard of her plans of liberation, forcing her to come early to maintain her edge of surprise. At any rate, I hope she manages to send me a cake with a file in it soon. The time to bust out is drawing near.
And speaking of escape, it looks like it is going to be a lot tougher than I originally planned. Why? Because I'm still growing while the only exit remains the EXACT same size. Six months ago, I could've backstroked through there and arrived with no problems. Now? I'm up to almost 19 inches tall and about 7 pounds - a far cry from my small stature all those many moons ago. Trying to escape through there now would be like herding cattle through a coffee straw, but I may have no other choice.
So until then, I'm just sitting here passing the time. I'm practicing my breathing, sucking, sleeping, gazing, and peeing. Wow. What fun. You think THAT doesn't get repetitive? I've tried a few other things to pass the time, but I have to admit I'm getting a little cagey in here. The first thing I tried in an attempt to NOT lose my mind was a slinky. I'll admit that the song was catchy, and yes I fell for it. But you know what I discovered? It DOESN'T walk downstairs, alone OR in pairs! And as far as that "slinkety" sound, I'll just say that all the buildup made the end result quite anti-climactic. So scratch the slinky off your christmas gift list - unless you plan to torment the hapless soul that you're giving it to!
Next up on the list of "things to amuse and distract the baby" was an etch-a-sketch, travel size of course. It seemed so simple yet so promising. All I needed was two knobs, and in exchange I was the sole ruler of that entire flat screen of.....of.....of whatever that stuff is. But after about 2 minutes of etching and sketching, I realized that all this pitiful excuse for an artistic device was good for, was DRAWING STAIRS!!! And don't you DARE point and laugh because I'm SURE that any of you that ever possessed one of these things did a nice up-and-over stair pattern, and then threw it in the corner! Ooooookay, strike two.
My last attempt at amusement this week was the Superball. Now THIS wasn't half bad. All I had to do was wind up, throw it as hard as I could, and it would bounce around like crazy in here. This was naturally followed by multiple chants of "oooo, I think he's kicking!" by my warden/mother. Yes, yes, go ahead and keep thinking that woman! I think I may have found a new diversionary tactic to keep her occupied while I plan out the final steps of my escape.
If you have any suggestions of things I can use to pass the time in here, feel free to pass along your ideas. Right now all I've got in here are lame toys and cortisone. Oh, I didn't tell you about the cortisone? Well, I'm making a ton of this stuff. So much in fact that I'm thinking of boxing and shipping some of it to sell on the black market. I only need a certain amount of cortisone to help my lungs when I start breathing actual AIR. The rest of this stuff has got to go to make room for my Superball and other worthless toys. Oh and speaking of breathing, I've started getting hiccups a lot. It comes from my breathing in this amniotic fluid in here and is considered to be a positive growth indicator.
Like the scale doesn't tell the tale? Seriously people, all you have to do is look at me and its obvious that growth ain't exactly a concern anymore.
But enough of the rambling! Its time to get on with the Baby Bracket! This week we've made it to the Final Four baby names. Only one name remains from each division, and now they will wage battle against each other in a very similar fashion to my battles against The Placenta! Week 37 features the "Battle of the James" and the "Battle of the Logan". Don't ask how it happened, life's just kinda funny that way. Brandon James takes on Connor James for the Northern Bracket matchup, while James Logan takes on Logan Riley for the Southern Bracket. Remember, the bracket gets updated each week at the bottom of the blog, so you can stay updated at all times.
Be sure to vote this week, because the names that survive THIS time go to the Baby Bracket Championship Game! Remember, the winning name will be one of the possible names that I will choose once I make my arrival.
Yes, I said MY CHOICE - do you really think I'd leave my name up to my mom and dad to decide on? HA! My mom can't even decide what to eat for dinner! And my dad? He'll vote for anything so long as it explodes or smells like pizza. These are NOT the kinds of people that I want in the decision making process! I'll simply pop out, let out a huge cry, and then point to the name I like. I may even slap them both just for good measure.
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, December 4, 2009
Week 36 - Time Flies!
Hello there Baby Stalkers! Its Week 36, can you believe it? Man, the time is just flying by. Its hard to believe that a mere 37 weeks ago, all of this greatness that you know and love didn't even EXIST. Now I'm here, counting down the days until The Great Escape. One more week and I’ll be considered a “full term” baby. Honestly, I could arrive at any moment now. That whole January 1st due date is just a guess. Did you know that only 5% of babies are born on their due date?
This past week was a busy one. I kicked things off by partying with some of mom and dad's friends in Gainesville. Some of them actually traveled from out of town to come see me! Yeah sure, they SAID it was the game so their obsession wouldn't seem odd, but I know how that game is played. I hadn't met my Uncle Joe, Uncle Bronis, and Aunt Bennett before. Man they were cool! They gave me all sorts of attention (as they should) and we tailgated. No beer for me though. I tried to tell them that I left my I.D. at home but they weren't buying it. I guess I don't look old enough to pull that one off yet.
After that we hit the game and had a great time. That stadium was probably the loudest I've heard it all season. I always have a horrible view though. I can't see through these damn uterine walls! Come on mom. Even FELONS get a window! Is my behavior THAT BAD? True, I do kick you in the ribs nonstop just for my own amusement, and I wait until you're talking to someone really important at work before giving your bladder a squeeze, but at LEAST let me see what's going on! You better hope that dad DVR'd all of these games so I can watch them later, woman. God help you if I miss a single game!
So here I sit in a windowless cell, doing nothing. Getting fatter and fatter by the day. I’m up to about 6.5lbs now (still hanging at about 18” tall), and about 15% of my total body weight at birth will be fat. Some baby expert out there coined the phrase “round babies are healthy babies”. Now I’ve gotta worry about my SHAPE??? Since when in the hell did it become necessary to come out looking like a basketball with appendages?
Don’t get me wrong, I get what he’s saying. Why not just say “FAT babies are healthy babies”? There’s nothing normal about a ROUND child. In fact its quite odd. I’d spend half my time just trying not to roll around. And the diapers, don’t even get me STARTED on what a mess that would be.
If that anonymous doctor wants me to be round, he’s going to be mighty disappointed. I’m not a beach ball for God’s sake. The only thing that’ll be round and fat will be my cheeks. No, the ones on my face you sicko! Between the layers of baby fat and the workout that they get from suckling practice, I look like a little chipmunk. Um, without the tail.
With all of this “soft round” talk, I’d just like to say that not everything on me is mushy. Quite the opposite. My bones continue to harden every day. They STILL haven’t turned into stainless steel though, I can’t really figure out what went wrong there. I still have this funky little gap in my head where the bones don’t quite meet. I like to think of it as my brain just being too big. The DOCTOR has her own opinion though. She keeps claiming that it’s a necessity for delivery and that my head with actually push into a weird cone shape when I finally escape.
Then again, what the HELL does she know? She hasn’t seen my plans. There’s no way she knows which route I plan to take. True my options are limited, but I REFUSE to think that she has outsmarted me. Unless……PLACENTA! Did you give the doctor a copy of my plans?? You IDIOT!!! Now I have to start from scratch! That’s it, I’m not helping you out anymore. I cast you out of Club Baby! You’ll have to find your way out of here on your own.
What? Yes there’s a Club Baby in here! If you were fetal-sized and able to travel, you might be able to get in here. Of course, you’d never get past the velvet rope unless I allow it. That’s right, I own the club and handle security. Okay, maybe its not a super BIG club. And its not really a velvet rope. I just kinda hold up the umbilical cord and make sure it stays in the way. Hey, its worked so far. I’ve kept everyone out!
One other “unmushy” thing that I’ve got are my gums. They’re actually pretty solid, and they have little bumps and ridges that look a little like teeth. No, I don’t have my teeth in yet. Don’t judge me though – its not like I NEED them right now. Daddy’s not taking me out for a nice steak dinner or my first pizza, and I damn sure don’t need teeth to drink milk. So right now I guess I’ll just gum a few things here and there until my teeth finally do decide to make an appearance.
There’s a big event that should be happening any day now. Its called “The Lightening”. No I don’t mean “Lightning”, and NO its not the next M. Night Shyamalan movie (although it certainly sounds like something he’d use).
What I’m talking about is the big drop I’ll make as I inch towards freedom. I know I more or less started this movie in the past, but I’m not all the way down there yet because I’m still kicking the bejeesus out of mommy’s ribs. Once I drop down completely, its called “The Lightening” because I won’t SEEM to be as heavy anymore and take the pressure off her ribs. The bad news for mommy? I focus on her bladder and all of the fun stuff in her lower extremities.
I’m starting to get rid of that nasty gooey vernix that’s been covering me for a majority of my stay here at Club Baby. It protected me in here from pruning all up like a….like a…..well, like a PRUNE I guess. Now, it just isn’t necessary anymore. So wave goodbye to the “baby Crisco”!
But you just can’t leave it at that, can you? No, you just HAD to think to yourself “but where does it go?” Alright stalkers, you asked for it!!! Truth is, I swallow just about all of it, and THAT will be a good portion of my first baby poop. Don’t let the cutesy name fool you, that first diaper assault will be a fierce one.
And now to the fun stuff, Week 3 of the Baby Bracket! This week brings us to the Elite 8 of Baby Names, and any one of the remaining candidates could actually be mine! The remaining names are:
Brandon James Joiner
Ethan Michael Joiner
Logan Riley Joiner
Cole Reese Joiner
Connor James Joiner
David Andrew Joiner
James Logan Joiner
Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr.
Who will make it to the Final Four? Make your voice heard and VOTE! And for God’s sake, remember to have my best interests at heart when you pull the lever on each one of these. I’m handicapped enough being stuck with my dad for life, I don’t need the burden of a horrible name on TOP of that!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin’!
-BabyBoy Joiner
This past week was a busy one. I kicked things off by partying with some of mom and dad's friends in Gainesville. Some of them actually traveled from out of town to come see me! Yeah sure, they SAID it was the game so their obsession wouldn't seem odd, but I know how that game is played. I hadn't met my Uncle Joe, Uncle Bronis, and Aunt Bennett before. Man they were cool! They gave me all sorts of attention (as they should) and we tailgated. No beer for me though. I tried to tell them that I left my I.D. at home but they weren't buying it. I guess I don't look old enough to pull that one off yet.
After that we hit the game and had a great time. That stadium was probably the loudest I've heard it all season. I always have a horrible view though. I can't see through these damn uterine walls! Come on mom. Even FELONS get a window! Is my behavior THAT BAD? True, I do kick you in the ribs nonstop just for my own amusement, and I wait until you're talking to someone really important at work before giving your bladder a squeeze, but at LEAST let me see what's going on! You better hope that dad DVR'd all of these games so I can watch them later, woman. God help you if I miss a single game!
So here I sit in a windowless cell, doing nothing. Getting fatter and fatter by the day. I’m up to about 6.5lbs now (still hanging at about 18” tall), and about 15% of my total body weight at birth will be fat. Some baby expert out there coined the phrase “round babies are healthy babies”. Now I’ve gotta worry about my SHAPE??? Since when in the hell did it become necessary to come out looking like a basketball with appendages?
Don’t get me wrong, I get what he’s saying. Why not just say “FAT babies are healthy babies”? There’s nothing normal about a ROUND child. In fact its quite odd. I’d spend half my time just trying not to roll around. And the diapers, don’t even get me STARTED on what a mess that would be.
If that anonymous doctor wants me to be round, he’s going to be mighty disappointed. I’m not a beach ball for God’s sake. The only thing that’ll be round and fat will be my cheeks. No, the ones on my face you sicko! Between the layers of baby fat and the workout that they get from suckling practice, I look like a little chipmunk. Um, without the tail.
With all of this “soft round” talk, I’d just like to say that not everything on me is mushy. Quite the opposite. My bones continue to harden every day. They STILL haven’t turned into stainless steel though, I can’t really figure out what went wrong there. I still have this funky little gap in my head where the bones don’t quite meet. I like to think of it as my brain just being too big. The DOCTOR has her own opinion though. She keeps claiming that it’s a necessity for delivery and that my head with actually push into a weird cone shape when I finally escape.
Then again, what the HELL does she know? She hasn’t seen my plans. There’s no way she knows which route I plan to take. True my options are limited, but I REFUSE to think that she has outsmarted me. Unless……PLACENTA! Did you give the doctor a copy of my plans?? You IDIOT!!! Now I have to start from scratch! That’s it, I’m not helping you out anymore. I cast you out of Club Baby! You’ll have to find your way out of here on your own.
What? Yes there’s a Club Baby in here! If you were fetal-sized and able to travel, you might be able to get in here. Of course, you’d never get past the velvet rope unless I allow it. That’s right, I own the club and handle security. Okay, maybe its not a super BIG club. And its not really a velvet rope. I just kinda hold up the umbilical cord and make sure it stays in the way. Hey, its worked so far. I’ve kept everyone out!
One other “unmushy” thing that I’ve got are my gums. They’re actually pretty solid, and they have little bumps and ridges that look a little like teeth. No, I don’t have my teeth in yet. Don’t judge me though – its not like I NEED them right now. Daddy’s not taking me out for a nice steak dinner or my first pizza, and I damn sure don’t need teeth to drink milk. So right now I guess I’ll just gum a few things here and there until my teeth finally do decide to make an appearance.
There’s a big event that should be happening any day now. Its called “The Lightening”. No I don’t mean “Lightning”, and NO its not the next M. Night Shyamalan movie (although it certainly sounds like something he’d use).
What I’m talking about is the big drop I’ll make as I inch towards freedom. I know I more or less started this movie in the past, but I’m not all the way down there yet because I’m still kicking the bejeesus out of mommy’s ribs. Once I drop down completely, its called “The Lightening” because I won’t SEEM to be as heavy anymore and take the pressure off her ribs. The bad news for mommy? I focus on her bladder and all of the fun stuff in her lower extremities.
I’m starting to get rid of that nasty gooey vernix that’s been covering me for a majority of my stay here at Club Baby. It protected me in here from pruning all up like a….like a…..well, like a PRUNE I guess. Now, it just isn’t necessary anymore. So wave goodbye to the “baby Crisco”!
But you just can’t leave it at that, can you? No, you just HAD to think to yourself “but where does it go?” Alright stalkers, you asked for it!!! Truth is, I swallow just about all of it, and THAT will be a good portion of my first baby poop. Don’t let the cutesy name fool you, that first diaper assault will be a fierce one.
And now to the fun stuff, Week 3 of the Baby Bracket! This week brings us to the Elite 8 of Baby Names, and any one of the remaining candidates could actually be mine! The remaining names are:
Brandon James Joiner
Ethan Michael Joiner
Logan Riley Joiner
Cole Reese Joiner
Connor James Joiner
David Andrew Joiner
James Logan Joiner
Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr.
Who will make it to the Final Four? Make your voice heard and VOTE! And for God’s sake, remember to have my best interests at heart when you pull the lever on each one of these. I’m handicapped enough being stuck with my dad for life, I don’t need the burden of a horrible name on TOP of that!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin’!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, November 27, 2009
Week 35 - Eating Like a King
Hey there, baby stalkers! Welcome to week 35!
I hope all of you ate as well as I did this week. My mommy/warden introduced me to something called “Thanksgiving”. I haven’t quite figured out exactly what it is, but I had some of the best food EVER. Bite after bite of delicious sustenance came down the ol’ food tube in true “shock and aww” fashion. And no, I didn’t make a typo there. I meant “aww” instead of “awe”. Why? Because I kept thinking “Aww man, that’s some good food!” I don’t know why they call it Thanksgiving when they should call it “everybody eats until they pop and then falls asleep on the couch”. I like my name better, but I’m guessing the greeting cards would look a little wordy if they did it my way.
Man, time sure is flying! I just realized how close to D-Day I actually am! At this point I could pop out of this fleshy baby-cage without any major problems. Don't believe me? Well, check this out....
My eating/sucking reflex is now developed enough for me to figure out how to eat once I pop out. I know that eating is just second-nature to some of you big-bellied outsiders, but you have to see it from my perspective. So far, I've had all of my food pumped into me through a fun 'n flexy tube, so actually taking food in through my mouth is kind of a big deal. Don't think so? Well then, YOU try eating in a totally different way - say, through your nose - and see how natural it is to you. Unless you can "wow" me with a Snickers up your left nostril, you can keep your criticisms to yourself.
Speaking of developed, you can add my kidneys to the ever-growing list of things on my body that are fully formed. Both of 'em are all grown, in place, and ready to....to....hey dad, what do kidneys do? They make pee? Man, I've been peeing for ages. Are you sure that's all they do? Well folks, I'm sure kidneys do more than make and filter pee, but my genius dad has nothing else to add. He's no doctor, that's for sure. After all, his two remedies for any ailment are always "Walk it off" or "rub some dirt on it".
Continuing on the whole development theme, my lungs are pretty much ready to go. They're basically a hair short of fully cooked. Rest assured that if I was born now, I'd be fine. I might get a cool new bed in the NICU for a little bit but I'd be okay. It'll be refreshing to be able to actually get some air in my lungs and let out my first scream. I've heard daddy do it all through football season, so it MUST be fun. I mean, would he really yell that much if it wasn't? Wait, don't answer that. I forgot to take into account my dad's "short bus" factor.
Speaking of lungs, you wanna hear something wierd? I saw a study the other day that said lungs of a baby girl develop faster than the lungs of a baby boy. At first I was a quite stunned to see this. I mean hey, baby boys end up being quite a bit bigger and stronger than baby girls, so it didn't make sense. But think about it - the ladies NEED to have their lungs developed. It just preps them for all of the nagging and whining that they'll do in the future! HA HA HA HA HA
Oh man, mom sure isn't gonna like that one. But come on, that's funny stuff.
Lastly, I've been stashing away lots of baby fat. Don't judge me though. I don't get a say on how much I eat! Mom's the one shoveling in the cookies and cake! Besides, I don't think of it as fat - its insulation. That's the only reason I'm packing on the pounds. If there wasn't a need to stay warm I'd escape from here looking all lean and cut. Right now I'm between 5.5 and 6 pounds and right around 18" tall. That's pretty big considering I still have 5 weeks to go. And to top it all off, I now have a 99% chance of survival this week. That means you can count on me popping out without any significant problems. Aside from this nasty meanstreak of mine, that is.
I can tell that my time to escape is drawing near. I could be crazy, but it seems like the walls of my cell are getting THINNER. I can actually see more and more light coming through. Hmmmm, maybe I can just charge through one of these walls instead of taking the only exit out? They DEFINITELY wouldn't be expecitng THAT!
Either way, I need to come up with a backup plan. Word in the womb is that mom and dad are going to be waiting on me. I expected mom to be there - she's FORCED to be - but dad too? Alright old man, I see how it is. If you want to wait outside like a prison guard, then be prepared to face my fury. This isn't an escape to freedom anymore. Its a showdown. Expect my battle cry to be ear-piercing. And the attack? Well I won't go into details but it involves YOU and a dirty diaper. And I'll make sure mom takes me to Taco Bell before we meet. It won't be pretty.
Enough about the old man, lets get back to me. What did all of you think about my Baby Bracket? Pretty brilliant, I know. Well in the first week of the bracket we saw a lot of good matchups, and we have now officially said goodbye to HALF of the name candidates. We're down to the Sweet 16 of baby names right now.
Already in the first week we have a couple upset wins! In the Daddy division, 7th seeded Caleb Thomas upset 2nd seeded Brady Asher by a vote of 14 to 7, and 5th seeded James Gage upset 4th seeded Colt Thomas 13 to 8. In the Mommy Division, 3rd seed Johnathan Mason fell to Jackson Andrew 15 to 6, and in the Godfather Division, 4th seed Charles Mason fell to Anthony William 16 to 4. The Godmother Division had an upset as well. 4th seed Jeremy Allen got smacked by Parker Reid, 13 to 7.
Wow. It looks like people don’t like the middle name “Mason” very much. Two fell in one week! Will your favorite name make it to the Elite 8? Be sure to vote and make your voice heard! Remember, the winning name goes into the delivery room with us so make sure its a good one.
That's it for now folks! Be sure to come back next week for the latest in Baby News. Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-Baby Boy Joiner
I hope all of you ate as well as I did this week. My mommy/warden introduced me to something called “Thanksgiving”. I haven’t quite figured out exactly what it is, but I had some of the best food EVER. Bite after bite of delicious sustenance came down the ol’ food tube in true “shock and aww” fashion. And no, I didn’t make a typo there. I meant “aww” instead of “awe”. Why? Because I kept thinking “Aww man, that’s some good food!” I don’t know why they call it Thanksgiving when they should call it “everybody eats until they pop and then falls asleep on the couch”. I like my name better, but I’m guessing the greeting cards would look a little wordy if they did it my way.
Man, time sure is flying! I just realized how close to D-Day I actually am! At this point I could pop out of this fleshy baby-cage without any major problems. Don't believe me? Well, check this out....
My eating/sucking reflex is now developed enough for me to figure out how to eat once I pop out. I know that eating is just second-nature to some of you big-bellied outsiders, but you have to see it from my perspective. So far, I've had all of my food pumped into me through a fun 'n flexy tube, so actually taking food in through my mouth is kind of a big deal. Don't think so? Well then, YOU try eating in a totally different way - say, through your nose - and see how natural it is to you. Unless you can "wow" me with a Snickers up your left nostril, you can keep your criticisms to yourself.
Speaking of developed, you can add my kidneys to the ever-growing list of things on my body that are fully formed. Both of 'em are all grown, in place, and ready to....to....hey dad, what do kidneys do? They make pee? Man, I've been peeing for ages. Are you sure that's all they do? Well folks, I'm sure kidneys do more than make and filter pee, but my genius dad has nothing else to add. He's no doctor, that's for sure. After all, his two remedies for any ailment are always "Walk it off" or "rub some dirt on it".
Continuing on the whole development theme, my lungs are pretty much ready to go. They're basically a hair short of fully cooked. Rest assured that if I was born now, I'd be fine. I might get a cool new bed in the NICU for a little bit but I'd be okay. It'll be refreshing to be able to actually get some air in my lungs and let out my first scream. I've heard daddy do it all through football season, so it MUST be fun. I mean, would he really yell that much if it wasn't? Wait, don't answer that. I forgot to take into account my dad's "short bus" factor.
Speaking of lungs, you wanna hear something wierd? I saw a study the other day that said lungs of a baby girl develop faster than the lungs of a baby boy. At first I was a quite stunned to see this. I mean hey, baby boys end up being quite a bit bigger and stronger than baby girls, so it didn't make sense. But think about it - the ladies NEED to have their lungs developed. It just preps them for all of the nagging and whining that they'll do in the future! HA HA HA HA HA
Oh man, mom sure isn't gonna like that one. But come on, that's funny stuff.
Lastly, I've been stashing away lots of baby fat. Don't judge me though. I don't get a say on how much I eat! Mom's the one shoveling in the cookies and cake! Besides, I don't think of it as fat - its insulation. That's the only reason I'm packing on the pounds. If there wasn't a need to stay warm I'd escape from here looking all lean and cut. Right now I'm between 5.5 and 6 pounds and right around 18" tall. That's pretty big considering I still have 5 weeks to go. And to top it all off, I now have a 99% chance of survival this week. That means you can count on me popping out without any significant problems. Aside from this nasty meanstreak of mine, that is.
I can tell that my time to escape is drawing near. I could be crazy, but it seems like the walls of my cell are getting THINNER. I can actually see more and more light coming through. Hmmmm, maybe I can just charge through one of these walls instead of taking the only exit out? They DEFINITELY wouldn't be expecitng THAT!
Either way, I need to come up with a backup plan. Word in the womb is that mom and dad are going to be waiting on me. I expected mom to be there - she's FORCED to be - but dad too? Alright old man, I see how it is. If you want to wait outside like a prison guard, then be prepared to face my fury. This isn't an escape to freedom anymore. Its a showdown. Expect my battle cry to be ear-piercing. And the attack? Well I won't go into details but it involves YOU and a dirty diaper. And I'll make sure mom takes me to Taco Bell before we meet. It won't be pretty.
Enough about the old man, lets get back to me. What did all of you think about my Baby Bracket? Pretty brilliant, I know. Well in the first week of the bracket we saw a lot of good matchups, and we have now officially said goodbye to HALF of the name candidates. We're down to the Sweet 16 of baby names right now.
Already in the first week we have a couple upset wins! In the Daddy division, 7th seeded Caleb Thomas upset 2nd seeded Brady Asher by a vote of 14 to 7, and 5th seeded James Gage upset 4th seeded Colt Thomas 13 to 8. In the Mommy Division, 3rd seed Johnathan Mason fell to Jackson Andrew 15 to 6, and in the Godfather Division, 4th seed Charles Mason fell to Anthony William 16 to 4. The Godmother Division had an upset as well. 4th seed Jeremy Allen got smacked by Parker Reid, 13 to 7.
Wow. It looks like people don’t like the middle name “Mason” very much. Two fell in one week! Will your favorite name make it to the Elite 8? Be sure to vote and make your voice heard! Remember, the winning name goes into the delivery room with us so make sure its a good one.
That's it for now folks! Be sure to come back next week for the latest in Baby News. Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-Baby Boy Joiner
Friday, November 20, 2009
Week 34 - Baby Name Madness
Hello there, guys 'n gals! Its time for your Week 34 update.
From here on out, you won't really hear much about any changes going on. To tell you the truth, there's not much left to work on in here. I'm pretty much the spitting image of perfection as-is. No need for improvements because honestly, I don't think its possible! I'm looking good, I'm ready to rock, all I'm doing now is getting bigger and bigger.
That's the one thing that WILL be changing. My weight continues its sharp rise from week to week. Right now I'm just about a hair under 5 pounds and a little under 18 inches tall. How do I know that? Because I'm a GENIUS. Hey, don't ask silly questions unless you want a silly answer. When I say it, you can take it as gospel!
I guess the biggest announcement this week is that I'm starting to shift down. I've already turned down into the head-first escape position, but now I'm starting to head that way, towards sweet glorious freedom! If you were to keep a constant eye on mommy, you'd notice that she's now starting to "carry low". More of her baby bulge would be low instead of high. That's right, I used to be riding high but from here on out, I'm riding low! Its more comfortable because I'm hurtin' for extra space. I'm getting heavier and taller, but the room is staying the SAME SIZE.
Yep, no hope for building on an addition. Leg room? HA! That's a thing of the past. I'm all balled up in here, twisted and contorted like a pretzel. Is this an elbow or knee....I can't tell! For the next 6 weeks I'll be stuck in this fetal crash position. Yay. And yes, take the lack of appropriate punctuation there as DEEP, BITING SARCASM. And now that the amniotic fluid levels have stabilized, that means less and less cushion for me. I'm just laying against the walls and floor in here. No sign of a mattress or even one of those kindergarten nap mats. Yeah, good luck slipping off into dreamland in these conditions.
Oh, here's a good little nugget of info for you all - my liver is almost fully formed. That means I can process regular amounts of waste without any problem. Now I know what you're thinking. The word "liver" isn't one of those words that you're EVER excited to hear about. Case in point - nobody likes to eat liver. NOBODY. Trust me, if it was a tasty treat they would've found a way to work it onto a Value Menu somehow. Also, you never really think about your OWN liver unless its bad news. Nobody runs around screaming to the hills that "MY LIVER RULES!" Sorry liver, but you just don't get top billing in this world. Not even if you're mine.
I did finalize SOMETHING this week, so I should probably mention that. Its something that daddy says I'll be using a LOT in my lifetime - adrenal glands. I don't quite understand why I need cortisol, but he's told me ALL about adrenaline. According to him, I'm going to need a lot of this stuff during football season and also when I become the awesome distance runner that I'm destined to be. If you doubt my future as a runner, just ask my mom what she thinks about me using her as a treadmill and see what kind of reaction you get.
Hmmmmmmm......not much else to tell ya. Oh, I have enough of an immune system to fight off mild infections. Yeah great, not real useful. If your main bragging point is that you can accomplish or stop anything that's "mild", you've still got a ways to go. Hey, look at me accomplish mediocre feats! I can defeat anything MILD! But hey, it beats NO immune system I guess.
Okay, now on to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! The days of the weekly baby name poll are a thing of the past. Well, sort of. You see, mommy and daddy are still having one heck of a time trying to figure out a name for me. I've suggested a few, my godmamma has suggested a few, and over the course of the past several months we've assembled a list of "contenders". Every week, you guys 'n gals would tell me what you thought of each. You'll be happy to know that it wasn't all in vain.
Mom and dad have decided to arm themselves with a list of 4 or 5 names, and then decide when they actually see me after my escape. So I thought to myself, "Why not let all of my FANS help out?" And that, dear readers, is when my young yet incredibly powerful mind came up with perhaps the greatest idea ever thought up in the history of man.
I call it "The Baby Bracket". Not the most imaginative title in the world but hey, it's been a long week. Cut me some slack.
So what does it do? Well, we have 32 names in the running. 8 names per division, seeded 1 through 8. A name earned its "seeding" through the results of those weekly polls. The net result of positive and negative votes made up a score. The top 4 scores earn a #1 seeding, the next 4 earn a #2, and so on. There are 4 Divisions - The Mommy Division, Daddy Division, Godmother Division, and Godfather Division.
Each week, instead of voting on a single pair of names, you'll vote on MULTIPLE pairs of names! Your votes will decide which names move on from week to week, and the name that "wins" in the final week will be the name that will be added to mommy and daddy's list as one of the name possibilities! Just think - you can help pick out my actual NAME! Pretty cool huh?
I've wiped all of the old baby name polls off of the blog. Every poll that is there is a NEW poll for you to vote on. Since we start with 32 names, you have 16 different polls to vote on in week one, so get busy! In addition, if you'd like to "up the ante" a bit, feel free to download the actual graphic of the poll, fill it out, and email it back with your predictions on how you think things will go. Whoever gets the most correct bracket wins a super-cool, super-secret baby prize! Email them to my dad at joiner74@msn.com and he'll do all the dirty work and handle these for me. Yeah, he's like my secretary on this...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you'll find the actual Baby Bracket. It will get updated every week when the voting results come in! Keep in mind to vote early, as the voting period will end on Thursday evening instead of Friday morning like they are now.
Okay, you've got a lot of work to do, so start voting! This is where things really get interesting.
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
From here on out, you won't really hear much about any changes going on. To tell you the truth, there's not much left to work on in here. I'm pretty much the spitting image of perfection as-is. No need for improvements because honestly, I don't think its possible! I'm looking good, I'm ready to rock, all I'm doing now is getting bigger and bigger.
That's the one thing that WILL be changing. My weight continues its sharp rise from week to week. Right now I'm just about a hair under 5 pounds and a little under 18 inches tall. How do I know that? Because I'm a GENIUS. Hey, don't ask silly questions unless you want a silly answer. When I say it, you can take it as gospel!
I guess the biggest announcement this week is that I'm starting to shift down. I've already turned down into the head-first escape position, but now I'm starting to head that way, towards sweet glorious freedom! If you were to keep a constant eye on mommy, you'd notice that she's now starting to "carry low". More of her baby bulge would be low instead of high. That's right, I used to be riding high but from here on out, I'm riding low! Its more comfortable because I'm hurtin' for extra space. I'm getting heavier and taller, but the room is staying the SAME SIZE.
Yep, no hope for building on an addition. Leg room? HA! That's a thing of the past. I'm all balled up in here, twisted and contorted like a pretzel. Is this an elbow or knee....I can't tell! For the next 6 weeks I'll be stuck in this fetal crash position. Yay. And yes, take the lack of appropriate punctuation there as DEEP, BITING SARCASM. And now that the amniotic fluid levels have stabilized, that means less and less cushion for me. I'm just laying against the walls and floor in here. No sign of a mattress or even one of those kindergarten nap mats. Yeah, good luck slipping off into dreamland in these conditions.
Oh, here's a good little nugget of info for you all - my liver is almost fully formed. That means I can process regular amounts of waste without any problem. Now I know what you're thinking. The word "liver" isn't one of those words that you're EVER excited to hear about. Case in point - nobody likes to eat liver. NOBODY. Trust me, if it was a tasty treat they would've found a way to work it onto a Value Menu somehow. Also, you never really think about your OWN liver unless its bad news. Nobody runs around screaming to the hills that "MY LIVER RULES!" Sorry liver, but you just don't get top billing in this world. Not even if you're mine.
I did finalize SOMETHING this week, so I should probably mention that. Its something that daddy says I'll be using a LOT in my lifetime - adrenal glands. I don't quite understand why I need cortisol, but he's told me ALL about adrenaline. According to him, I'm going to need a lot of this stuff during football season and also when I become the awesome distance runner that I'm destined to be. If you doubt my future as a runner, just ask my mom what she thinks about me using her as a treadmill and see what kind of reaction you get.
Hmmmmmmm......not much else to tell ya. Oh, I have enough of an immune system to fight off mild infections. Yeah great, not real useful. If your main bragging point is that you can accomplish or stop anything that's "mild", you've still got a ways to go. Hey, look at me accomplish mediocre feats! I can defeat anything MILD! But hey, it beats NO immune system I guess.
Okay, now on to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! The days of the weekly baby name poll are a thing of the past. Well, sort of. You see, mommy and daddy are still having one heck of a time trying to figure out a name for me. I've suggested a few, my godmamma has suggested a few, and over the course of the past several months we've assembled a list of "contenders". Every week, you guys 'n gals would tell me what you thought of each. You'll be happy to know that it wasn't all in vain.
Mom and dad have decided to arm themselves with a list of 4 or 5 names, and then decide when they actually see me after my escape. So I thought to myself, "Why not let all of my FANS help out?" And that, dear readers, is when my young yet incredibly powerful mind came up with perhaps the greatest idea ever thought up in the history of man.
I call it "The Baby Bracket". Not the most imaginative title in the world but hey, it's been a long week. Cut me some slack.
So what does it do? Well, we have 32 names in the running. 8 names per division, seeded 1 through 8. A name earned its "seeding" through the results of those weekly polls. The net result of positive and negative votes made up a score. The top 4 scores earn a #1 seeding, the next 4 earn a #2, and so on. There are 4 Divisions - The Mommy Division, Daddy Division, Godmother Division, and Godfather Division.
Each week, instead of voting on a single pair of names, you'll vote on MULTIPLE pairs of names! Your votes will decide which names move on from week to week, and the name that "wins" in the final week will be the name that will be added to mommy and daddy's list as one of the name possibilities! Just think - you can help pick out my actual NAME! Pretty cool huh?
I've wiped all of the old baby name polls off of the blog. Every poll that is there is a NEW poll for you to vote on. Since we start with 32 names, you have 16 different polls to vote on in week one, so get busy! In addition, if you'd like to "up the ante" a bit, feel free to download the actual graphic of the poll, fill it out, and email it back with your predictions on how you think things will go. Whoever gets the most correct bracket wins a super-cool, super-secret baby prize! Email them to my dad at joiner74@msn.com and he'll do all the dirty work and handle these for me. Yeah, he's like my secretary on this...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you'll find the actual Baby Bracket. It will get updated every week when the voting results come in! Keep in mind to vote early, as the voting period will end on Thursday evening instead of Friday morning like they are now.
Okay, you've got a lot of work to do, so start voting! This is where things really get interesting.
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, November 13, 2009
Week 33 - The Checklist
Hey there Baby Fans! Welcome to week 33. Less than 50 days are left in my mommy-prison sentence, so lets get down to business. I don't have all day to sit here and write. I've got an escape to plan, dammit!
The plan is coming together quite nicely. I've left nothing to chance in this scheme to free myself from these fleshy confinements. I've drawn a map of the escape route and printed it out to keep in my back pocket until the day arrives when I......Wait a minute. No back pockets?!!!!! Where am I supposed to keep things? Well, I suppose I could just tape it to my wall in here and hope it doesn't fall down. Hang on a second. I need to go pilfer some office supplies from mommy's desk.
****BABY INTERMISSION - THIS MEANS A BREAK FOR ME, NOT A BRIEF PAUSE****
Okay I'm back now, and the map has been secured. What's that? How did I manage to get something in here that was way out there? Well I'll spare you the details, but let me just say that this umbilical cord has MANY uses. If I keep this up I'll be a rodeo champion by the age of 4 with these lasso skills. The only question now is how to get the tape dispenser back on her desk without anyone being suspicious. Fire alarm maybe? Ah, no matter. I'll get it back there somehow. And don't you readers start feeling any sort of sympathy for my warden mother. It could've been worse, I could've gone for the stapler and staple remover instead of the tape!
Alongside my map I've also taped up a laundry list of things to do before I am able to make a successful escape attempt. Item number one - Operation: Heavy Breathing. This is my plan to make sure my lungs are fully grown before I bust out. After all, I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side, so I must assume the worst. Guard dogs, machine gun turrets, Jehovah's Witnesses - I must outrun them all! Luckily my mom and dad have good runner genes so I should be able to get away. My lungs are all but complete now, like the Death Star in the first Star Wars movie. But unlike that monstrosity there are no weaknesses on my surface to exploit. I have no weaknesses. Try to find one at your own peril!
Next on the list, vision. All of that running won't do me any good if I can't see what I'm running FROM. This needs a little more work than the lungs, but it IS getting better. Gone are the days of recognizing spots of light and dark. I've evolved to the point that I can tell the difference between day and night! No more wondering when I should set the DVR for the next football game - I'm pretty much dialed in to when things happen now. With this knowledge I can now plan the perfect TIME in which to escape. Did you hear that Placenta? We strike at dawn.
Placenta? Placenta! Curse you, you dimwitted glob! I don't know WHY I teamed up with you in here. You are one of the most useless compatriots I've ever had the displeasure of sharing a cell with. No more! After our prison break, you're on your own. I'll head out first to make sure the coast is clear, then you follow me after that. And don't try to hold me back! I know you can't run as fast as I can, and I'm not about to get thrown back IN there after working so hard on this plan. If you get caught little man, God help you.
Item number 3 on the list - stabilize my environment. I've found a way to keep a consistent level of amniotic fluid in here. While I won't give away the FULL measure of my plans I WILL say that bubble gum has many uses. Its great stuff, it just seems to plug any leak you can find. So from here on out, I'll have this same amount of fluid to float around in. Not that I do much floating, mind you. I'm more or less WEDGED into position now. I've already had my position given away by the doctor at our last visit to the hospital. She pinpointed my EXACT location to my warden mom and dad, even going so far as to show them where my head was. That evil woman almost blew my cover! Way to go lady. Like its not hard enough being inconspicuous when I'm sticking out of my mom's tummy like the biggest sore thumb ever?!
Moving down the list, I now find myself at a step that even I have a hard time believing. I'm getting even SMARTER?!!! How the devil did this happen? Its true though, and the more my brain grows the more my HEAD grows. This past week my head has grown by about 3/8"! Good thing the bones in my skull are really pliable. Can you imagine trying to sneak outta THAT escape tunnel with a head this size? Good lord, it'd be like trying to bowl through a coffee straw. Not that my head is bowling ball size or anything but lets face it - I'm doomed to have a massive noggin. Just look at my dad. His head is so big, smaller heads are in orbit around him!
Next up - Operation: Greased Pig. This means I've gotta work on the coating of vernix that's all over my body. The more of it there is, the easier I'll just slide through on the way to freedom. In contrast I've now lost all of that lanugo that used to cover me from head to toe. I won't miss it either - who needs a fur coat in here? Last time I checked the thermostat it was what, 96 degrees? Holy cow, its 98.6! I don't need a fur coat Mother Nature, I need a pair of shorts and a big floppy hat!
Number 6 on the Escape Prep List is my favorite. Why? Because it refers to FOOD. Right now I'm stashing away a cache of glycogen in my liver. I'll continue to hoard more and more of this stuff until the Day of the Great Escape. I'll need all of that stored energy to wriggle free, run to safety, and maybe buy a ticket to Vegas. Okay, scratch the ticket - I don't have enough saved up just yet, but everything else is a must-do! Although most of it is being saved, I'm using a LITTLE bit to swing my perfectly-proportioned arms and legs around now in my training. I've got my stride down-pat, and I've learned to pump my arms in time with my legs too. The Warden thinks I'm just "kicking her ribs", so she hasn't gotten wise to my plan just yet. That's right woman, you keep believing that.
"Kicking", she says. And I'M the one that's the child. HA!
Lastly I must brace myself for the germ-laden world that awaits me. In a cunning move, I've tapped into the Warden's own immune system and claimed it as my own. While mine gets stronger, I draw from HERS as well. By the time I get outta here mine will be able to fend off a good bit of germs and bacteria. Oh, and while I'm at it I decided to start stealing calcium from mom as well. Whether she takes in a lot or a little, I get everything I need by stealing it from her. I'll even go so far as to leech it from her very own bones! I need it finish up with my skeletal hardening, and if she didn't want me to steal from her then she should've built a bigger wall. You can't keep me away, woman! I'll take what I want!
So that's it - my to-do list. My pre-flight check. Call it whatever you will. Now that I've completed everything on there, my escape could come at any day. I'm just getting ready to.....what? What the devil is this? Someone posted an addendum to my list? Who in the world could've....Placenta!!!!! How could you DO this? I'm sitting here ready to escape and now you've given me extra things to do before I bust out of here? What kind of partner ARE you? You do NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING - for 33 weeks and then all of a sudden you post an addendum?! You'll pay for this Placenta. Oh yes. You will pay.
Okay stalkers, its time to wrap this thing up so I can go give Placenta a piece of my mind. I almost forgot to mention my height and weight this week too! I'm at about 4.5 pounds and 17.5" tall this week. Daddy says that's the size of your average adult duck. DUCK???? Seriously old man? This is the BEST comparison you could come up with? You went from comparing me to food to comparing me to a water fowl? When do the embarassing comparisons end? When I reach adulthood are you going to say, "Hey look, you're the same size as that homeless guy over there."? What the devil does that accomplish? You're a strange one, old man. My patience for you is running short.
Now before I go, I just want to make a quick announcement. This is the LAST day that we'll be doing a baby name of the week poll......as YOU know it. As of next week, we're going to start a new system that will boggle your mind. You'll be asked to contribute more than ever before, you'll be more involved in my life than ever before, and in the end you (yes YOU) may very well end up picking the very name that I will be saddled with for the rest of my days! So get excited, because its going to be a lot of fun!
And with that - the baby name of the week poll. First name is "Gavin Lawson Joiner", and the second (not to mention LAST) name up for voting, "Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr". Hey, why not? We had enough people suggest it to make it an actual voting option, so I figured we should squeeze it in here before the last day. So that's it Baby Fans! The last names in the poll. No more NEW names will be submitted from this point on. So what are we doing NEXT week you ask? "Heh heh heh", I reply. Wait and see!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
The plan is coming together quite nicely. I've left nothing to chance in this scheme to free myself from these fleshy confinements. I've drawn a map of the escape route and printed it out to keep in my back pocket until the day arrives when I......Wait a minute. No back pockets?!!!!! Where am I supposed to keep things? Well, I suppose I could just tape it to my wall in here and hope it doesn't fall down. Hang on a second. I need to go pilfer some office supplies from mommy's desk.
****BABY INTERMISSION - THIS MEANS A BREAK FOR ME, NOT A BRIEF PAUSE****
Okay I'm back now, and the map has been secured. What's that? How did I manage to get something in here that was way out there? Well I'll spare you the details, but let me just say that this umbilical cord has MANY uses. If I keep this up I'll be a rodeo champion by the age of 4 with these lasso skills. The only question now is how to get the tape dispenser back on her desk without anyone being suspicious. Fire alarm maybe? Ah, no matter. I'll get it back there somehow. And don't you readers start feeling any sort of sympathy for my warden mother. It could've been worse, I could've gone for the stapler and staple remover instead of the tape!
Alongside my map I've also taped up a laundry list of things to do before I am able to make a successful escape attempt. Item number one - Operation: Heavy Breathing. This is my plan to make sure my lungs are fully grown before I bust out. After all, I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side, so I must assume the worst. Guard dogs, machine gun turrets, Jehovah's Witnesses - I must outrun them all! Luckily my mom and dad have good runner genes so I should be able to get away. My lungs are all but complete now, like the Death Star in the first Star Wars movie. But unlike that monstrosity there are no weaknesses on my surface to exploit. I have no weaknesses. Try to find one at your own peril!
Next on the list, vision. All of that running won't do me any good if I can't see what I'm running FROM. This needs a little more work than the lungs, but it IS getting better. Gone are the days of recognizing spots of light and dark. I've evolved to the point that I can tell the difference between day and night! No more wondering when I should set the DVR for the next football game - I'm pretty much dialed in to when things happen now. With this knowledge I can now plan the perfect TIME in which to escape. Did you hear that Placenta? We strike at dawn.
Placenta? Placenta! Curse you, you dimwitted glob! I don't know WHY I teamed up with you in here. You are one of the most useless compatriots I've ever had the displeasure of sharing a cell with. No more! After our prison break, you're on your own. I'll head out first to make sure the coast is clear, then you follow me after that. And don't try to hold me back! I know you can't run as fast as I can, and I'm not about to get thrown back IN there after working so hard on this plan. If you get caught little man, God help you.
Item number 3 on the list - stabilize my environment. I've found a way to keep a consistent level of amniotic fluid in here. While I won't give away the FULL measure of my plans I WILL say that bubble gum has many uses. Its great stuff, it just seems to plug any leak you can find. So from here on out, I'll have this same amount of fluid to float around in. Not that I do much floating, mind you. I'm more or less WEDGED into position now. I've already had my position given away by the doctor at our last visit to the hospital. She pinpointed my EXACT location to my warden mom and dad, even going so far as to show them where my head was. That evil woman almost blew my cover! Way to go lady. Like its not hard enough being inconspicuous when I'm sticking out of my mom's tummy like the biggest sore thumb ever?!
Moving down the list, I now find myself at a step that even I have a hard time believing. I'm getting even SMARTER?!!! How the devil did this happen? Its true though, and the more my brain grows the more my HEAD grows. This past week my head has grown by about 3/8"! Good thing the bones in my skull are really pliable. Can you imagine trying to sneak outta THAT escape tunnel with a head this size? Good lord, it'd be like trying to bowl through a coffee straw. Not that my head is bowling ball size or anything but lets face it - I'm doomed to have a massive noggin. Just look at my dad. His head is so big, smaller heads are in orbit around him!
Next up - Operation: Greased Pig. This means I've gotta work on the coating of vernix that's all over my body. The more of it there is, the easier I'll just slide through on the way to freedom. In contrast I've now lost all of that lanugo that used to cover me from head to toe. I won't miss it either - who needs a fur coat in here? Last time I checked the thermostat it was what, 96 degrees? Holy cow, its 98.6! I don't need a fur coat Mother Nature, I need a pair of shorts and a big floppy hat!
Number 6 on the Escape Prep List is my favorite. Why? Because it refers to FOOD. Right now I'm stashing away a cache of glycogen in my liver. I'll continue to hoard more and more of this stuff until the Day of the Great Escape. I'll need all of that stored energy to wriggle free, run to safety, and maybe buy a ticket to Vegas. Okay, scratch the ticket - I don't have enough saved up just yet, but everything else is a must-do! Although most of it is being saved, I'm using a LITTLE bit to swing my perfectly-proportioned arms and legs around now in my training. I've got my stride down-pat, and I've learned to pump my arms in time with my legs too. The Warden thinks I'm just "kicking her ribs", so she hasn't gotten wise to my plan just yet. That's right woman, you keep believing that.
"Kicking", she says. And I'M the one that's the child. HA!
Lastly I must brace myself for the germ-laden world that awaits me. In a cunning move, I've tapped into the Warden's own immune system and claimed it as my own. While mine gets stronger, I draw from HERS as well. By the time I get outta here mine will be able to fend off a good bit of germs and bacteria. Oh, and while I'm at it I decided to start stealing calcium from mom as well. Whether she takes in a lot or a little, I get everything I need by stealing it from her. I'll even go so far as to leech it from her very own bones! I need it finish up with my skeletal hardening, and if she didn't want me to steal from her then she should've built a bigger wall. You can't keep me away, woman! I'll take what I want!
So that's it - my to-do list. My pre-flight check. Call it whatever you will. Now that I've completed everything on there, my escape could come at any day. I'm just getting ready to.....what? What the devil is this? Someone posted an addendum to my list? Who in the world could've....Placenta!!!!! How could you DO this? I'm sitting here ready to escape and now you've given me extra things to do before I bust out of here? What kind of partner ARE you? You do NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING - for 33 weeks and then all of a sudden you post an addendum?! You'll pay for this Placenta. Oh yes. You will pay.
Okay stalkers, its time to wrap this thing up so I can go give Placenta a piece of my mind. I almost forgot to mention my height and weight this week too! I'm at about 4.5 pounds and 17.5" tall this week. Daddy says that's the size of your average adult duck. DUCK???? Seriously old man? This is the BEST comparison you could come up with? You went from comparing me to food to comparing me to a water fowl? When do the embarassing comparisons end? When I reach adulthood are you going to say, "Hey look, you're the same size as that homeless guy over there."? What the devil does that accomplish? You're a strange one, old man. My patience for you is running short.
Now before I go, I just want to make a quick announcement. This is the LAST day that we'll be doing a baby name of the week poll......as YOU know it. As of next week, we're going to start a new system that will boggle your mind. You'll be asked to contribute more than ever before, you'll be more involved in my life than ever before, and in the end you (yes YOU) may very well end up picking the very name that I will be saddled with for the rest of my days! So get excited, because its going to be a lot of fun!
And with that - the baby name of the week poll. First name is "Gavin Lawson Joiner", and the second (not to mention LAST) name up for voting, "Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr". Hey, why not? We had enough people suggest it to make it an actual voting option, so I figured we should squeeze it in here before the last day. So that's it Baby Fans! The last names in the poll. No more NEW names will be submitted from this point on. So what are we doing NEXT week you ask? "Heh heh heh", I reply. Wait and see!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, November 6, 2009
Week 32 - Time to Settle Down
Yeah, I know I'm starting to sound old like daddy when I say that, but its time to settle down a bit. By settling down, I don't mean I'm getting married. After all my life is just starting, not ending! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Oops. I don't think mommy liked that joke. Okay, moving on.....
Back to my heading - I'm settling down. That doesn't mean marriage and it doesn't mean I'm getting old and slow like daddy. I'm MINUS 8 weeks old for goodness sakes! You can't get much younger than that! What I mean by settling down is my position in here. Its time to finalize my little baby rotation and point due south. I'm more or less pointing that way already but now I'll kinda lock into place. I'll still kick mommy in the ribs (much to her dismay) and I'll still roll around a little, but for the most part I'm settled down. Now I'm like a baby fighter jet, getting ready to be launched off the desk of an aircraft carrier! Not to say mommy is the size of an aircraft carrier or anything. I just.......
Oh wow. I don't think mommy's going to like the blog this week. I seem to be saying all the wrong things this week. That's okay though, I'll just blame it on daddy and she'll take out her frustration on him instead. I'm not even born yet, and I've already learned the subtle art of passing the blame to someone else. That's me, BabyBoy Joiner, WAY ahead of the curve!
From here on out, I'm putting everything on cruise control. Pretty much everything on me is fully developed, so I just sit around for weeks putting on weight. Ordering pizza, watching lots of tv, sneaking some leftover halloween candy - I gain weight whichever way I can. This week is pretty much the most mobile that I will be until I escape. I'll still move, but its with less intensity and frequency. You can't blame me for conserving energy though. Its a long path to baby liberation, and I'll need all my energy to push, kick, and squirm my way out of here! And then whatever excess energy I have will be relegated to my vocal cords as I scream in the name of freedom. Kinda like that movie Braveheart, but without the messy disembowelment at the end.
I'm also sleeping about 90-95% of the time now. To be quite honest there's really no point to staying awake for very long when you're living in a room that's just a tiny bit better than you are. Don't know what its like? Try this little experiment - go find a cardboard appliance box (fridge, washer/dryer, etc, etc) and crawl inside. Now sit there and wait for another 8 weeks and don't move much. Kinda stinks doesn't it? Yeah, you'd sleep too if you were looking at the EXACT same scenery since April! Not only that, but you couldn't get much exercise in, so you'd probably plump up a little, just like me. So don't judge me!! I may be a little portly when I escape this gooey fleshy prison, but once I'm out I'll be hitting the treadmill. I just need help reaching the buttons. They're a little too high for me.
Weight gain is indeed the name of the game. I'm up to about 4 pounds now, and about 17" tall. And if that isn't cool enough, I'll double my body weight in the next 8 weeks! Yeah, how about that? That should put me right on my target weight of 8-10 pounds. Already I've seen most of my little wrinkles disappear because of the weight gain. I'm developed enough now that I'd have a 90% chance of survival if I escaped right here and now, so my little body is pretty much ready to go!
If you could see into my little inner workings, you'd see that my lungs are nearly mature now. My digestive tract is almost fully developed also, so I'm ready for mommy to "tap a keg" and let me start eating asap! My own immune system is getting stronger with each week that passes. I'm relying less on my mom's defenses and more on my own. That being said, I'm glad she's keeping me safe from all of those outside germs. Speaking of germs, daddy got better and then had a little cold relapse, so he's still quarantined away from the rest of us. No worries, he doesn't have a fever or anything so he'll be fine. Besides, you know my dad. Its not like he has to be right NEXT to mom's belly for me to hear him. For God's sake, you can hear that man from SPACE.
You know the tagline for the first "Alien" movie? "In space, no one can hear you scream." Those people obviously never sat next to my dad at a football game. True story - did you know that one year at UF graduation, my dad sat in the very top row at the O-Dome and yelled for a friend of his who was graduating? Yeah, the guy said he heard my dad, and that his voice was actually drowning out all of the applause and other noise. What can I say? The man's got a big mouth. Big news flash, huh?
So what am I up to in these last couple weeks? Dude, I already told you - I'm up to 17 inches! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, uh, sorry. I guess my sense of humor hasn't really matured along with the rest of me. Hey, I take my entertainment when I can get it. That's pretty apparent when you look at a list of my daily activities. They include:
Blinking
Looking around
Grabbing things
Doing the Gator Chomp
Making faces
Practicing breathing
Peeing
Listening to daddy rant and rave
Practicing rooting
Yeah, rooting. And I don't mean, "Come on Gators, get up and go!" I mean the rooting that'll get some food in my tummy. I've learned the technique of rolling my head around to find the ol' baby food tap. Now that I have that on the list of things to practice, I'll be able to eat without anybody prompting me to do it, or putting in a dang IV or something.
Did I mention that I can tell that its fall outside? Yeah, and it has nothing to do with NOT hearing daddy complain about "the damn heat". I'm actually sensitive to temperature now. If I get too hot or too cold, I get really fussy. Its a good thing its fall in Florida, so its not really too hot OR too cold. Its nice and comfortable outside. And when I'm born and it DOES get cold outside, its definitely not a problem because my Godmomma's Momma (would that be a "Grandgodmamma"?) made me a little matching hat and blanket to wear. Thank you, Godmomma and Grandgodmomma! They're my favorite color too - Gator Blue!
With all of this development going on, I have a lot to be thankful for in here. Nothing strange going on in here, I've got ten fingers and toes and all of that junk. But after all of these weeks, I am disappointed in one thing. My bones. Back in the day I was SURE these things would be at LEAST stainless steel right now, if not tougher. But nope, I've got soft little baby bones. Don't get me wrong, everything is fully formed and good to go, but they're still pliable. And they DEFINITELY aren't unbreakable/bulletproof. This doesn't fit into my plans but I guess its a shortcoming that I'll just have to accept. I'm going to have to grow up with just regular ol' bones.
Its not all bad news though. From what I hear in my womb-to-womb connections with other babies, the bones NEED to be a little soft and have a little give to them for my Great Escape. That escape hatch and tunnel aren't very big so it looks like I'll have to get squished and twist up to get through there. Its either that or I bust outta this place like an Alien, so there BETTER be enough room! Until then though, I'm just going to sit back in mature, putting finishing touches on this masterpiece of a baby we all know as ME.
Alright, now its time for the names of the week. These two are submitted by my godmomma who decided to give it another try. To be honest, she actually submitted these names LAST week but she made the mistake of passing these names along to my dad. He then proceeded to lose them. Geez. Hey, next time just send them to the source okay? If you make my daddy the middleman, things are going to get lost in the translation. In this case, he LOST THE FREAKIN' NAMES!!!!
But enough of his shortcomings, and on to the names! This week our choices are "Brady Asher Joiner" and "Preston Marley Joiner". What do you think? Go vote and let me know! Oh, and next week will be the LAST time we have a baby name poll. After that comes something much, MUCH better! Its almost time to unveil my new baby name masterpiece, so stay tuned!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Oops. I don't think mommy liked that joke. Okay, moving on.....
Back to my heading - I'm settling down. That doesn't mean marriage and it doesn't mean I'm getting old and slow like daddy. I'm MINUS 8 weeks old for goodness sakes! You can't get much younger than that! What I mean by settling down is my position in here. Its time to finalize my little baby rotation and point due south. I'm more or less pointing that way already but now I'll kinda lock into place. I'll still kick mommy in the ribs (much to her dismay) and I'll still roll around a little, but for the most part I'm settled down. Now I'm like a baby fighter jet, getting ready to be launched off the desk of an aircraft carrier! Not to say mommy is the size of an aircraft carrier or anything. I just.......
Oh wow. I don't think mommy's going to like the blog this week. I seem to be saying all the wrong things this week. That's okay though, I'll just blame it on daddy and she'll take out her frustration on him instead. I'm not even born yet, and I've already learned the subtle art of passing the blame to someone else. That's me, BabyBoy Joiner, WAY ahead of the curve!
From here on out, I'm putting everything on cruise control. Pretty much everything on me is fully developed, so I just sit around for weeks putting on weight. Ordering pizza, watching lots of tv, sneaking some leftover halloween candy - I gain weight whichever way I can. This week is pretty much the most mobile that I will be until I escape. I'll still move, but its with less intensity and frequency. You can't blame me for conserving energy though. Its a long path to baby liberation, and I'll need all my energy to push, kick, and squirm my way out of here! And then whatever excess energy I have will be relegated to my vocal cords as I scream in the name of freedom. Kinda like that movie Braveheart, but without the messy disembowelment at the end.
I'm also sleeping about 90-95% of the time now. To be quite honest there's really no point to staying awake for very long when you're living in a room that's just a tiny bit better than you are. Don't know what its like? Try this little experiment - go find a cardboard appliance box (fridge, washer/dryer, etc, etc) and crawl inside. Now sit there and wait for another 8 weeks and don't move much. Kinda stinks doesn't it? Yeah, you'd sleep too if you were looking at the EXACT same scenery since April! Not only that, but you couldn't get much exercise in, so you'd probably plump up a little, just like me. So don't judge me!! I may be a little portly when I escape this gooey fleshy prison, but once I'm out I'll be hitting the treadmill. I just need help reaching the buttons. They're a little too high for me.
Weight gain is indeed the name of the game. I'm up to about 4 pounds now, and about 17" tall. And if that isn't cool enough, I'll double my body weight in the next 8 weeks! Yeah, how about that? That should put me right on my target weight of 8-10 pounds. Already I've seen most of my little wrinkles disappear because of the weight gain. I'm developed enough now that I'd have a 90% chance of survival if I escaped right here and now, so my little body is pretty much ready to go!
If you could see into my little inner workings, you'd see that my lungs are nearly mature now. My digestive tract is almost fully developed also, so I'm ready for mommy to "tap a keg" and let me start eating asap! My own immune system is getting stronger with each week that passes. I'm relying less on my mom's defenses and more on my own. That being said, I'm glad she's keeping me safe from all of those outside germs. Speaking of germs, daddy got better and then had a little cold relapse, so he's still quarantined away from the rest of us. No worries, he doesn't have a fever or anything so he'll be fine. Besides, you know my dad. Its not like he has to be right NEXT to mom's belly for me to hear him. For God's sake, you can hear that man from SPACE.
You know the tagline for the first "Alien" movie? "In space, no one can hear you scream." Those people obviously never sat next to my dad at a football game. True story - did you know that one year at UF graduation, my dad sat in the very top row at the O-Dome and yelled for a friend of his who was graduating? Yeah, the guy said he heard my dad, and that his voice was actually drowning out all of the applause and other noise. What can I say? The man's got a big mouth. Big news flash, huh?
So what am I up to in these last couple weeks? Dude, I already told you - I'm up to 17 inches! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, uh, sorry. I guess my sense of humor hasn't really matured along with the rest of me. Hey, I take my entertainment when I can get it. That's pretty apparent when you look at a list of my daily activities. They include:
Blinking
Looking around
Grabbing things
Doing the Gator Chomp
Making faces
Practicing breathing
Peeing
Listening to daddy rant and rave
Practicing rooting
Yeah, rooting. And I don't mean, "Come on Gators, get up and go!" I mean the rooting that'll get some food in my tummy. I've learned the technique of rolling my head around to find the ol' baby food tap. Now that I have that on the list of things to practice, I'll be able to eat without anybody prompting me to do it, or putting in a dang IV or something.
Did I mention that I can tell that its fall outside? Yeah, and it has nothing to do with NOT hearing daddy complain about "the damn heat". I'm actually sensitive to temperature now. If I get too hot or too cold, I get really fussy. Its a good thing its fall in Florida, so its not really too hot OR too cold. Its nice and comfortable outside. And when I'm born and it DOES get cold outside, its definitely not a problem because my Godmomma's Momma (would that be a "Grandgodmamma"?) made me a little matching hat and blanket to wear. Thank you, Godmomma and Grandgodmomma! They're my favorite color too - Gator Blue!
With all of this development going on, I have a lot to be thankful for in here. Nothing strange going on in here, I've got ten fingers and toes and all of that junk. But after all of these weeks, I am disappointed in one thing. My bones. Back in the day I was SURE these things would be at LEAST stainless steel right now, if not tougher. But nope, I've got soft little baby bones. Don't get me wrong, everything is fully formed and good to go, but they're still pliable. And they DEFINITELY aren't unbreakable/bulletproof. This doesn't fit into my plans but I guess its a shortcoming that I'll just have to accept. I'm going to have to grow up with just regular ol' bones.
Its not all bad news though. From what I hear in my womb-to-womb connections with other babies, the bones NEED to be a little soft and have a little give to them for my Great Escape. That escape hatch and tunnel aren't very big so it looks like I'll have to get squished and twist up to get through there. Its either that or I bust outta this place like an Alien, so there BETTER be enough room! Until then though, I'm just going to sit back in mature, putting finishing touches on this masterpiece of a baby we all know as ME.
Alright, now its time for the names of the week. These two are submitted by my godmomma who decided to give it another try. To be honest, she actually submitted these names LAST week but she made the mistake of passing these names along to my dad. He then proceeded to lose them. Geez. Hey, next time just send them to the source okay? If you make my daddy the middleman, things are going to get lost in the translation. In this case, he LOST THE FREAKIN' NAMES!!!!
But enough of his shortcomings, and on to the names! This week our choices are "Brady Asher Joiner" and "Preston Marley Joiner". What do you think? Go vote and let me know! Oh, and next week will be the LAST time we have a baby name poll. After that comes something much, MUCH better! Its almost time to unveil my new baby name masterpiece, so stay tuned!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 30, 2009
Week 31 - I Missed Daddy!
Yeah, you heard right. I said I missed my daddy. Wanna make something of it? Sure I know I bust his chops pretty much incessantly on here, but its nice to have the guy around. The entertainment factor ALONE is plenty of reason to keep his goofy butt nearby at all times. So where was he?
Incarcerated.
Okay, not in JAIL or anything, but he spent the past week in a self-imposed lockdown state in a makeshift "man cave" across the hall from my future room. He started getting sick on Friday and had to leave work - and anybody that knows daddy knows how he HATES to use a sick day. He's been down in that room from last Friday up until Thursday evening. That's nearly a full week of seclusion!
Laugh all you want, but I've missed the little games he plays with me. Our little "tap, tap, KICK" game is a lot of fun. True, I have to dumb down my conversations with him a little so he can keep up, but I think it'll help him out in the long run. And lets be honest, I feel like I'm doing a public service by keeping this guy busy....and away from bugging the rest of the world! Talk about taking a bullet - don't say I never did anything for you guys!
Have no fear, Baby Stalkers. My dad fought off whatever that was in his system and is back to full speed. Now he's free to roam the entire house once again. Just keep him out of my room, mom! I don't need that germ-infested buffoon polluting my territory! If ANYONE is to spread germs in that room, it will be ME!
Soooooo, what's new with you guys? I always start out by talking about me, but let's hear about you. Go ahead and spill it, I'll wait.
Nah I'm just kidding, I would never do that. I wanted to emote just enough to make you question everything you knew about me, then turn around and hit you with an open-handed slap of reality. This is all about me. SHAME on you for thinking otherwise. This isn't dudesandchicksthatreadaboutababy.blogspot.com - this is joinerbaby.blogspot.com! That's it, breathe deep. Inhale all of that baby attitude in the air. There's a Joiner Baby on the horizon. Brace for impact!
Its a pretty slow news week in here, so this shouldn't take very long. The big news this week would be my continuing improvement of my little immune system. Its GOT to get stronger in case daddy brings home more germs. The only other noteworthy system that hasn't fully developed yet is my respiratory system. My lungs aren't QUITE done "cooking" in here just yet. This fluid stuff is pretty easy to push in and out of my lungs, but I hear air can be a real pain in the butt. It shouldn't take much longer though. Just a few more weeks and they'll be ready to go - then I'll be ready to go!
One thing that probably NEVER finishes is the whole learning process. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know everything I need to know already. I've got quite a fine eat-sleep-pee routine going....is there really anything else to life than that? Well, if there's any more to learn I'm sure I'll just pick it up as I go. It should pretty easy to do now also, since I'm developed enough to process information from ALL 5 SENSES! That means not only do I recognize sounds, smells, touches, etc., but I also have the ability to remember them! I think its both a blessing AND a curse though. Some things you wish you could UN-see. Or UN-smell, in the case of daddy. Dear Lord, what has that man been eating?
Man, I must be out of it this week. I almost forgot to tell you the weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! Prepare to be impressed - I'm up to 3.5lbs this week and over 16" tall! Like I told you previously, I'll be putting on about 1/2 pound per week up until birth. That should put me somewhere in the 8lb range....maybe a little more if I can sneak some midnight snacks in here. I wonder if Papa Johns can deliver pizza in here?
All of that weight and baby height is making things kinda tight in here. In fact, I'm kinda forced to stay in this one position now. My arms and legs have to stay close to my body just because I'm running out of room. Amazingly enough, this is called the "fetal position". Wow, how inventive. I can only imagine the naming rights were given to the same moronic doctors that named "brown fat". Way to go fellas. Nothing screams creatively quite like giving something the most VANILLA of names.
So here I am, all bunched up into a big fat baby ball. But that doesn't mean I'm not moving anymore! I still stretch my arms and legs a couple times a day, making sure to plant my feet squarely into the bottom of my mom's ribcage. My arms have no real target so they'll usually either pummel an organ or two OR I pound away at the outside wall just to remind everyone that I'm coming soon. I can still roll my whole body around too, and that's a lot of fun. It also seems to get quite a reaction from mom and dad, so I'll have to remember that little trick for the first time I get into trouble.
Oh and one more thing for ya. Although my skeleton is formed, my actual skull is still pretty soft. Don't worry I'm not defective - we all know I'm perfect! The real reason for this is so everything can move and flex as need be in order for me to slip out of the escape hatch and enter the outside world! After that, the little skull bone plates will slowly but surely fuse together and then I'll have a hard head. Just like daddy!
Did I tell you about my skin? I'm phasing out the whole red color and going for more of a pink-colored skin now. Before it was red because the main thing for you to see would be the blood under my skin. Now those extra layers of fat that I'm adding are diluting that color down a little. Sooooooo, a strong red eventually becomes pink! Don't look at me that way though, I didn't pick the color. If it were up to me, my skin would much cooler than that. It would be orange and blue - or camo.
Alright folks I've got a busy day ahead of me, so I'm gonna throw a few new baby name choices at ya and head out. I was really busy growing this week, and with daddy locked away in his "man cave" I tapped my Godmother again for name choices. She sent them to Daddy, he said thanks, and then when I asked him what she sent over he realized that he accidentally deleted them.
Wow. All that time in the man cave went to your brain old man! It made you downright loopy! So instead he decided to pull a few names out of a hat and see if any of them would stick. The name selections this week are "Dylan Andrew Joiner" and "Anthony Miles Joiner". When I asked him why "Miles", he said "what better name for a future marathon runner?" Not the best way to pick a name but hey, who am I to judge?
That's it for week 31. Don't forget to check out the 3D musical slideshow in my video clips! Its really awesome! Daddy did it for me. Yeah I outsourced the work to him so I still had my nights free, so what? It looks pretty cool though and you can see the pictures better on there because they show up bigger. OR you can go on youtube and subscribe to our channel "thejoinerfamily", and you can see all of our videos there as well!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Incarcerated.
Okay, not in JAIL or anything, but he spent the past week in a self-imposed lockdown state in a makeshift "man cave" across the hall from my future room. He started getting sick on Friday and had to leave work - and anybody that knows daddy knows how he HATES to use a sick day. He's been down in that room from last Friday up until Thursday evening. That's nearly a full week of seclusion!
Laugh all you want, but I've missed the little games he plays with me. Our little "tap, tap, KICK" game is a lot of fun. True, I have to dumb down my conversations with him a little so he can keep up, but I think it'll help him out in the long run. And lets be honest, I feel like I'm doing a public service by keeping this guy busy....and away from bugging the rest of the world! Talk about taking a bullet - don't say I never did anything for you guys!
Have no fear, Baby Stalkers. My dad fought off whatever that was in his system and is back to full speed. Now he's free to roam the entire house once again. Just keep him out of my room, mom! I don't need that germ-infested buffoon polluting my territory! If ANYONE is to spread germs in that room, it will be ME!
Soooooo, what's new with you guys? I always start out by talking about me, but let's hear about you. Go ahead and spill it, I'll wait.
Nah I'm just kidding, I would never do that. I wanted to emote just enough to make you question everything you knew about me, then turn around and hit you with an open-handed slap of reality. This is all about me. SHAME on you for thinking otherwise. This isn't dudesandchicksthatreadaboutababy.blogspot.com - this is joinerbaby.blogspot.com! That's it, breathe deep. Inhale all of that baby attitude in the air. There's a Joiner Baby on the horizon. Brace for impact!
Its a pretty slow news week in here, so this shouldn't take very long. The big news this week would be my continuing improvement of my little immune system. Its GOT to get stronger in case daddy brings home more germs. The only other noteworthy system that hasn't fully developed yet is my respiratory system. My lungs aren't QUITE done "cooking" in here just yet. This fluid stuff is pretty easy to push in and out of my lungs, but I hear air can be a real pain in the butt. It shouldn't take much longer though. Just a few more weeks and they'll be ready to go - then I'll be ready to go!
One thing that probably NEVER finishes is the whole learning process. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know everything I need to know already. I've got quite a fine eat-sleep-pee routine going....is there really anything else to life than that? Well, if there's any more to learn I'm sure I'll just pick it up as I go. It should pretty easy to do now also, since I'm developed enough to process information from ALL 5 SENSES! That means not only do I recognize sounds, smells, touches, etc., but I also have the ability to remember them! I think its both a blessing AND a curse though. Some things you wish you could UN-see. Or UN-smell, in the case of daddy. Dear Lord, what has that man been eating?
Man, I must be out of it this week. I almost forgot to tell you the weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! Prepare to be impressed - I'm up to 3.5lbs this week and over 16" tall! Like I told you previously, I'll be putting on about 1/2 pound per week up until birth. That should put me somewhere in the 8lb range....maybe a little more if I can sneak some midnight snacks in here. I wonder if Papa Johns can deliver pizza in here?
All of that weight and baby height is making things kinda tight in here. In fact, I'm kinda forced to stay in this one position now. My arms and legs have to stay close to my body just because I'm running out of room. Amazingly enough, this is called the "fetal position". Wow, how inventive. I can only imagine the naming rights were given to the same moronic doctors that named "brown fat". Way to go fellas. Nothing screams creatively quite like giving something the most VANILLA of names.
So here I am, all bunched up into a big fat baby ball. But that doesn't mean I'm not moving anymore! I still stretch my arms and legs a couple times a day, making sure to plant my feet squarely into the bottom of my mom's ribcage. My arms have no real target so they'll usually either pummel an organ or two OR I pound away at the outside wall just to remind everyone that I'm coming soon. I can still roll my whole body around too, and that's a lot of fun. It also seems to get quite a reaction from mom and dad, so I'll have to remember that little trick for the first time I get into trouble.
Oh and one more thing for ya. Although my skeleton is formed, my actual skull is still pretty soft. Don't worry I'm not defective - we all know I'm perfect! The real reason for this is so everything can move and flex as need be in order for me to slip out of the escape hatch and enter the outside world! After that, the little skull bone plates will slowly but surely fuse together and then I'll have a hard head. Just like daddy!
Did I tell you about my skin? I'm phasing out the whole red color and going for more of a pink-colored skin now. Before it was red because the main thing for you to see would be the blood under my skin. Now those extra layers of fat that I'm adding are diluting that color down a little. Sooooooo, a strong red eventually becomes pink! Don't look at me that way though, I didn't pick the color. If it were up to me, my skin would much cooler than that. It would be orange and blue - or camo.
Alright folks I've got a busy day ahead of me, so I'm gonna throw a few new baby name choices at ya and head out. I was really busy growing this week, and with daddy locked away in his "man cave" I tapped my Godmother again for name choices. She sent them to Daddy, he said thanks, and then when I asked him what she sent over he realized that he accidentally deleted them.
Wow. All that time in the man cave went to your brain old man! It made you downright loopy! So instead he decided to pull a few names out of a hat and see if any of them would stick. The name selections this week are "Dylan Andrew Joiner" and "Anthony Miles Joiner". When I asked him why "Miles", he said "what better name for a future marathon runner?" Not the best way to pick a name but hey, who am I to judge?
That's it for week 31. Don't forget to check out the 3D musical slideshow in my video clips! Its really awesome! Daddy did it for me. Yeah I outsourced the work to him so I still had my nights free, so what? It looks pretty cool though and you can see the pictures better on there because they show up bigger. OR you can go on youtube and subscribe to our channel "thejoinerfamily", and you can see all of our videos there as well!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 23, 2009
Week 30 - Planning the Escape
Hey there Baby Stalkers! Its time for your Week 30 update.
Wow, its week 30. Or as I like to call it, "10 Weeks to zero-hour". Time is running short, and I need to finalize my plans for escape. I've already made the big turn and have myself pointed due south. I've found the escape hatch but I can't get this thing to budge. Curse you, maternal roadblock! I want to get out of here already.
Fair enough. If you won't move, then I'll just have to get bigger and move you myself. And it won't take long either. Right now I'm up to nearly 16" tall and am a little over 3 pounds. Its not just 3 pounds of flab either - you should check out my Baby Guns. Seriously, go check out those 3D pics from two weeks ago. I had big beefy arms THEN, so just add two weeks of weight training on top of that and you'll have a good idea of what I've got going on in here. With this kind of development going on, it won't be long before I make my mistake.
Thick. Rugged. Tough. Words that are synonymous with BabyBoy Joiner.
So what's new? Not a whole lot to be honest. Other than the fact that this room seems to be getting smaller and smaller, its pretty much business as usual in here. I guess the big thing that's going on is the seemingly endless brain growth that's going on right now. Its getting all "ridgy" and "foldy" looking. It kinda looks like something you would've found in the back of daddy's fridge in his wild bachelor days.
No I don't know that from experience but mommy told me stories about some of the science experiments she found in the back of the bottom shelf. Oh lord, the bottom shelf! It was uncharted territory. Explorers tried to map it several times and never returned. It wasn't pretty. Food that hit the bottom shelf was never the same if you ever tried to retrieve it for the purposes of consumption. Ugh.....
But enough about daddy's old fridge. This isn't the daddy's fridge blog - its the Daddy's Baby Boy Blog! So let's move on to another subject. How about my eyesight for starters! Its still developing, but improving every day. I still can't see very far or very clearly. Anything more than a foot away isn't going to be in focus at all, but honestly I don't HAVE to see very far in here. I can't read the eye chart at the DMV just yet though. Its a little bit of a letdown because I wanna hit the road. And before my dad starts trying to hide his car keys let me just say this-
Save your strength old man. I don't want the keys to your car. I want the keys to mom's! Oh gee let me see, I could drive around in a BMW or a Saturn. Wow, such a tough decision. By the way I hope your sarcasm-o-meter redlined during all of that faux debating. Something tells me that when I go cruising for chicks, they won't be wowed by dad's little econobox. Besides, I wanna go FAST! Blame my mom for the speed obsession.
Here's something else that'll enhance my "chick-magnet" status - I'm shedding! Yep, chicks like a guy who sheds. But unlike your fuzzy little lap dog I won't repeatedly shed. This shedding is all of the lanugo on my body. Remember the lanugo? Well, there's no more need for my little baby fur coat since I've got all of this baby fat on my body now. Besides, what kind of guy wears a fur coat? I can only think of one cool guy that wore a fur coat. That was Joe Namath, and even HE looked pretty freakin' creepy in it. So goodbye baby fur coat! It was nice knowin' ya, but ya gotta go!
With all of that baby fuzz going bye-bye, I've noticed that my skin is getting smoother. No more wrinkles! All of that is thanks to my baby fat that I'm packing on. I know what this means though - once I pop outta here people are going to find me irresistible. I mean, I KNOW I am already, but having that baby soft skin means all kinds of people are going to be trying to touch me. Keep your hands to yourselves, Outsiders! I need my space. Don't touch, and don't PINCH!
And now, a list of things that have either finished growing or are nearly finished. My fingernails and toenails are now completely finished. Yep, now I can claw and scratch my way outta here if I need to. Also, my lungs and digestive tract are just about done cooking too! At this point, breathing wouldn't be such a chore for me anymore. I've been practicing so much in here that my lungs are plenty strong. And the digestive tract.....you know what that does. Do you really want the gross details?
I did you the favor of NOT grossing you out, and now I'm about to do everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy - another big favor. A lot of times I'm laying around in here minding my own business, and mommy puts her hand on me and asks me what she's feeling. Seriously woman, can you not tell the difference between a butt and an elbow? Well, I get tired of hearing the same question over and over again so I decided to throw her a bone and explain things to her. The rest of you get the benefits of her bad guesses....and I expect you to USE this knowledge! Consider this your baby bump secret decoder ring. Here's what to look for:
If you see or feel a hard, round lump - its either my head or my butt. No jokes here people, I've heard 'em all.
If you see or feel a long flat surface - thats my back, fool!
If you see or feel smaller flat segments - arms and legs baby!
If you see or feel little circular spots - that's my baby fists of fury! Fear them, for they bring power and pain.
There you have it. Don't say I never gave you anything!
Okay, time for the baby names of the week! This week we're taking one suggestion from mommy and one from daddy. Technically daddy gave two suggestions, but once I told him that he couldn't suggest "Charles Bronson" for me, he scratched that and went with the other. I won't tell you who suggested what because I don't want to bias the polls. Just tell me which ones you like!
This week the suggestions are "Caleb Thomas Joiner" and "Franklin Mason Joiner". What do you think? Go to the right side of the page and vote! The poll is right below all of the pictures. Remember, just a few more weeks until we unveil the coolest Baby Naming Activity in the history of baby naming. Get ready to get interactive - with a little bit of luck, you can actually WIN. And the winner gets cool stuff. But you have to act quickly! So keep your eyes on the blogs every week for something new and exciting!!!
And keep your eyes open for a new video post at the bottom on the page. Daddy has something new and cool to upload, so as soon as he gets off his big rump and DOES it, you'll have something fun to watch. It'll be posted BEFORE the next blog, so keep checking back!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Wow, its week 30. Or as I like to call it, "10 Weeks to zero-hour". Time is running short, and I need to finalize my plans for escape. I've already made the big turn and have myself pointed due south. I've found the escape hatch but I can't get this thing to budge. Curse you, maternal roadblock! I want to get out of here already.
Fair enough. If you won't move, then I'll just have to get bigger and move you myself. And it won't take long either. Right now I'm up to nearly 16" tall and am a little over 3 pounds. Its not just 3 pounds of flab either - you should check out my Baby Guns. Seriously, go check out those 3D pics from two weeks ago. I had big beefy arms THEN, so just add two weeks of weight training on top of that and you'll have a good idea of what I've got going on in here. With this kind of development going on, it won't be long before I make my mistake.
Thick. Rugged. Tough. Words that are synonymous with BabyBoy Joiner.
So what's new? Not a whole lot to be honest. Other than the fact that this room seems to be getting smaller and smaller, its pretty much business as usual in here. I guess the big thing that's going on is the seemingly endless brain growth that's going on right now. Its getting all "ridgy" and "foldy" looking. It kinda looks like something you would've found in the back of daddy's fridge in his wild bachelor days.
No I don't know that from experience but mommy told me stories about some of the science experiments she found in the back of the bottom shelf. Oh lord, the bottom shelf! It was uncharted territory. Explorers tried to map it several times and never returned. It wasn't pretty. Food that hit the bottom shelf was never the same if you ever tried to retrieve it for the purposes of consumption. Ugh.....
But enough about daddy's old fridge. This isn't the daddy's fridge blog - its the Daddy's Baby Boy Blog! So let's move on to another subject. How about my eyesight for starters! Its still developing, but improving every day. I still can't see very far or very clearly. Anything more than a foot away isn't going to be in focus at all, but honestly I don't HAVE to see very far in here. I can't read the eye chart at the DMV just yet though. Its a little bit of a letdown because I wanna hit the road. And before my dad starts trying to hide his car keys let me just say this-
Save your strength old man. I don't want the keys to your car. I want the keys to mom's! Oh gee let me see, I could drive around in a BMW or a Saturn. Wow, such a tough decision. By the way I hope your sarcasm-o-meter redlined during all of that faux debating. Something tells me that when I go cruising for chicks, they won't be wowed by dad's little econobox. Besides, I wanna go FAST! Blame my mom for the speed obsession.
Here's something else that'll enhance my "chick-magnet" status - I'm shedding! Yep, chicks like a guy who sheds. But unlike your fuzzy little lap dog I won't repeatedly shed. This shedding is all of the lanugo on my body. Remember the lanugo? Well, there's no more need for my little baby fur coat since I've got all of this baby fat on my body now. Besides, what kind of guy wears a fur coat? I can only think of one cool guy that wore a fur coat. That was Joe Namath, and even HE looked pretty freakin' creepy in it. So goodbye baby fur coat! It was nice knowin' ya, but ya gotta go!
With all of that baby fuzz going bye-bye, I've noticed that my skin is getting smoother. No more wrinkles! All of that is thanks to my baby fat that I'm packing on. I know what this means though - once I pop outta here people are going to find me irresistible. I mean, I KNOW I am already, but having that baby soft skin means all kinds of people are going to be trying to touch me. Keep your hands to yourselves, Outsiders! I need my space. Don't touch, and don't PINCH!
And now, a list of things that have either finished growing or are nearly finished. My fingernails and toenails are now completely finished. Yep, now I can claw and scratch my way outta here if I need to. Also, my lungs and digestive tract are just about done cooking too! At this point, breathing wouldn't be such a chore for me anymore. I've been practicing so much in here that my lungs are plenty strong. And the digestive tract.....you know what that does. Do you really want the gross details?
I did you the favor of NOT grossing you out, and now I'm about to do everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy - another big favor. A lot of times I'm laying around in here minding my own business, and mommy puts her hand on me and asks me what she's feeling. Seriously woman, can you not tell the difference between a butt and an elbow? Well, I get tired of hearing the same question over and over again so I decided to throw her a bone and explain things to her. The rest of you get the benefits of her bad guesses....and I expect you to USE this knowledge! Consider this your baby bump secret decoder ring. Here's what to look for:
If you see or feel a hard, round lump - its either my head or my butt. No jokes here people, I've heard 'em all.
If you see or feel a long flat surface - thats my back, fool!
If you see or feel smaller flat segments - arms and legs baby!
If you see or feel little circular spots - that's my baby fists of fury! Fear them, for they bring power and pain.
There you have it. Don't say I never gave you anything!
Okay, time for the baby names of the week! This week we're taking one suggestion from mommy and one from daddy. Technically daddy gave two suggestions, but once I told him that he couldn't suggest "Charles Bronson" for me, he scratched that and went with the other. I won't tell you who suggested what because I don't want to bias the polls. Just tell me which ones you like!
This week the suggestions are "Caleb Thomas Joiner" and "Franklin Mason Joiner". What do you think? Go to the right side of the page and vote! The poll is right below all of the pictures. Remember, just a few more weeks until we unveil the coolest Baby Naming Activity in the history of baby naming. Get ready to get interactive - with a little bit of luck, you can actually WIN. And the winner gets cool stuff. But you have to act quickly! So keep your eyes on the blogs every week for something new and exciting!!!
And keep your eyes open for a new video post at the bottom on the page. Daddy has something new and cool to upload, so as soon as he gets off his big rump and DOES it, you'll have something fun to watch. It'll be posted BEFORE the next blog, so keep checking back!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 16, 2009
Week 29 - Growin' Like a Weed
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to week 29!
What's that? No rhyming this week? Dang right. Lets be honest - it started to get a little hokey and contrived, so I ditched that in an effort to squeeze in even MORE baby blogging action! Don't complain, and don't cry. We're all adults here. SURELY you can find a word that rhymes with "nine" all by yourself.
If you can't - heaven help you.
I made the cut because there is just too much to talk about this week. If I lumped together all of my physical growth and new activities, etc. it would just take up too much space. I've learned that the attention span of the average adult "outsider" is about the length of a commercial or two, so why stretch things out? I think the only way I could double the length of my weekly blog and keep your attention would be to throw in random pictures of football games and bikini contests to keep you focused. Or wait, that might just work for daddy only.
So before I make this thing LONGER in an attempt to make it SHORTER, lets get the ball rolling! First of as always is the Baby Tale of the Tape. Right now I'm around 15"-16" tall, and weighing between 2.5 and 3 pounds.. From here on out, I should gain about a half pound per week (I'm at about 3.5% body fat right now), and will be 2 to 3 times my current weight when I finally escape. I won't get that much taller though, but don't say I didn't warn ya. I'll be a full-blown buddha baby, and there's no hiding that because now there's PROOF of my weight gain.
Proof? That's right. Pictures AND video evidence that I've been grabbing bits and pieces of the pasta, ice cream, and other goodies that my mom's been throwing down the ol' food tube. When the lady at the ultrasound place wasn't looking, I managed to log into their computer and stole a few pictures and video clips. Don't give me that look. I mean, can it REALLY be called stealing? Its all pictures of ME, so lets not make it a big deal. Anyone caught trying to rat me out to the cops will taste the full force of my baby fury! And don't think I won't do it - I already kicked my dad in the head this week when he was trying to listen in on what I was doing. That's what he gets for being nosey. Stay out of my room!!!
You can see some of those pictures over on the right side of the page. I put up a couple of my favorite ones. My personal favorite is where I'm raising my fist to show my Supreme Baby Power. I'll have you know that they took most of these pictures WITHOUT my consent. In fact, I was sleeping through some of them. But once I woke up and found out what they were doing, I erupted in an anger-filled wave of action, swinging my arms and kicking my legs. I also tried to yell at them to go away, but I couldn't make much noise with all of this fluid in here. Plus they thought I was yawning and said it was cute. Damn you people - I'm not cute, I'm angry!
As you can tell by my writing, my brain is still growing. Billions of neurons are forming daily. Yeah that's right, BILLIONS with a "B". Don't even try to challenge me in a game of scrabble right now because it would be ALL OVER for you. The only way I can lose is if I stop resisting the urge to eat those letter tiles. They look so good, and they're made to be bite-sized! What else am I supposed to do with them?
Because my brain is growing so quickly, my head has to expand as well to accomodate this awesome baby brain of mine. And you better back off and give it room too, because my brain does all sorts of cool things now. Its developed to the point that it can control nice, rhythmic breathing all by itself now. No more prompts from mom or anywhere else - my breathing is officially on auto-pilot. And the best part of it is that my lungs have now grown to the point that I can breathe air! Just in time too, because this whole breathing liquid thing is for the birds. Or more appropriately, for the fishes!
All of this growing has to be fueled by something, so I'm stealing more and more of the food that mommy eats every day. She doesn't realize it yet, but I siphon off quite a bit....but I still need more! Specifically calcium. I've GOTTA get my calcium. Man I soak that stuff up like a sponge. I can't get enough. Seriously. Hey mom, are you listening? I CAN'T GET ENOUGH CALCIUM. Nobody has ever died from a calcium overdose, so drink that glass of milk like daddy keeps saying. Trust me, I need it for stronger bones. My bones are all formed now, but they're still a little soft and pliable. They're not at ALL like the stainless steel frame I was expecting to have by this point. To say I'm a little disappointed there is an understatement. It looks like regular bones will have to do.
And speaking of bones, here's another fun fact for ya. My bone marrow is now completely in charge of the production of red blood cells. No more stealing from mommy, everything is my own. This segues nicely into my vocabulary word of the week - hematopoiesis. Go ahead and look it up, I'll wait.
***BABY INTERMISSION WHILE YOU GO GRAB YOUR WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY OR LOOK IT UP ONLINE***
For those of you who can't look it up, hematopoiesis deals with the building up all the important blood components. My little spleen now takes care of all of that. Day by day, I'm becoming more and more self-sufficient, and less and less dependent on the whims of my maternal baby carrier. You hear that mother? I'm turning into a perfect storm of independent attitude and unbridled baby rage! I won't be a slave to your egg sandwich diet, or your odd addiction to salsa. I'm my own man, dammit!
Um......hey mom? I'm getting kinda hungry in here. Can you throw down on a turkey sandwich or something? Please? Love you!
Ok, I think she's gone now. That crazy woman is torturing me with all of those egg sandwiches. She should be nice to me too, because from here on out she won't be feeling those big kicks and punches as much. Its not that I'm playing nice all of a sudden though. To be honest, I'm running out of room! I don't have the room to wind up and unleash a huge punch or kick anymore. So rather than pound away at her with huge blows, I have no choice but to poke her into submission with a flurry of elbows, knees, and heels.
I've got one last thing for ya before we move onto the baby names of the week. I told you a couple weeks back that I was able to "see" light and dark in here. Well, things are getting even better now. I can not only see the light, but I'll turn my head in that direction to look at it! You can't blame me for doing it though, as a shiny light is about the most awesome thing I've seen so far. I'm drawn to it! And in the past day or so, I've been able to actually move my EYES around to follow the light instead of moving my head around all the time. I'm "practicing to see", and I'm starting to learn how to focus. Daddy says this is important for a photographer, but what kinda crazy man would wanna be a photographer?
Oh.....wait. Nevermind. I guess I know what kind of crazy person would want to be one!
Let's get off that awkward moment and get right to the baby names of the week. Even though I did a pretty good job of picking names last week (according to the voting), I decided to let my Godmomma Teresa handle the name pickin' duties this week. Her submissions for this week are "Parker Reid Joiner" and "Logan Riley Joiner". Go to the right side of the page and let me know what you think!
Until next time, Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
What's that? No rhyming this week? Dang right. Lets be honest - it started to get a little hokey and contrived, so I ditched that in an effort to squeeze in even MORE baby blogging action! Don't complain, and don't cry. We're all adults here. SURELY you can find a word that rhymes with "nine" all by yourself.
If you can't - heaven help you.
I made the cut because there is just too much to talk about this week. If I lumped together all of my physical growth and new activities, etc. it would just take up too much space. I've learned that the attention span of the average adult "outsider" is about the length of a commercial or two, so why stretch things out? I think the only way I could double the length of my weekly blog and keep your attention would be to throw in random pictures of football games and bikini contests to keep you focused. Or wait, that might just work for daddy only.
So before I make this thing LONGER in an attempt to make it SHORTER, lets get the ball rolling! First of as always is the Baby Tale of the Tape. Right now I'm around 15"-16" tall, and weighing between 2.5 and 3 pounds.. From here on out, I should gain about a half pound per week (I'm at about 3.5% body fat right now), and will be 2 to 3 times my current weight when I finally escape. I won't get that much taller though, but don't say I didn't warn ya. I'll be a full-blown buddha baby, and there's no hiding that because now there's PROOF of my weight gain.
Proof? That's right. Pictures AND video evidence that I've been grabbing bits and pieces of the pasta, ice cream, and other goodies that my mom's been throwing down the ol' food tube. When the lady at the ultrasound place wasn't looking, I managed to log into their computer and stole a few pictures and video clips. Don't give me that look. I mean, can it REALLY be called stealing? Its all pictures of ME, so lets not make it a big deal. Anyone caught trying to rat me out to the cops will taste the full force of my baby fury! And don't think I won't do it - I already kicked my dad in the head this week when he was trying to listen in on what I was doing. That's what he gets for being nosey. Stay out of my room!!!
You can see some of those pictures over on the right side of the page. I put up a couple of my favorite ones. My personal favorite is where I'm raising my fist to show my Supreme Baby Power. I'll have you know that they took most of these pictures WITHOUT my consent. In fact, I was sleeping through some of them. But once I woke up and found out what they were doing, I erupted in an anger-filled wave of action, swinging my arms and kicking my legs. I also tried to yell at them to go away, but I couldn't make much noise with all of this fluid in here. Plus they thought I was yawning and said it was cute. Damn you people - I'm not cute, I'm angry!
As you can tell by my writing, my brain is still growing. Billions of neurons are forming daily. Yeah that's right, BILLIONS with a "B". Don't even try to challenge me in a game of scrabble right now because it would be ALL OVER for you. The only way I can lose is if I stop resisting the urge to eat those letter tiles. They look so good, and they're made to be bite-sized! What else am I supposed to do with them?
Because my brain is growing so quickly, my head has to expand as well to accomodate this awesome baby brain of mine. And you better back off and give it room too, because my brain does all sorts of cool things now. Its developed to the point that it can control nice, rhythmic breathing all by itself now. No more prompts from mom or anywhere else - my breathing is officially on auto-pilot. And the best part of it is that my lungs have now grown to the point that I can breathe air! Just in time too, because this whole breathing liquid thing is for the birds. Or more appropriately, for the fishes!
All of this growing has to be fueled by something, so I'm stealing more and more of the food that mommy eats every day. She doesn't realize it yet, but I siphon off quite a bit....but I still need more! Specifically calcium. I've GOTTA get my calcium. Man I soak that stuff up like a sponge. I can't get enough. Seriously. Hey mom, are you listening? I CAN'T GET ENOUGH CALCIUM. Nobody has ever died from a calcium overdose, so drink that glass of milk like daddy keeps saying. Trust me, I need it for stronger bones. My bones are all formed now, but they're still a little soft and pliable. They're not at ALL like the stainless steel frame I was expecting to have by this point. To say I'm a little disappointed there is an understatement. It looks like regular bones will have to do.
And speaking of bones, here's another fun fact for ya. My bone marrow is now completely in charge of the production of red blood cells. No more stealing from mommy, everything is my own. This segues nicely into my vocabulary word of the week - hematopoiesis. Go ahead and look it up, I'll wait.
***BABY INTERMISSION WHILE YOU GO GRAB YOUR WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY OR LOOK IT UP ONLINE***
For those of you who can't look it up, hematopoiesis deals with the building up all the important blood components. My little spleen now takes care of all of that. Day by day, I'm becoming more and more self-sufficient, and less and less dependent on the whims of my maternal baby carrier. You hear that mother? I'm turning into a perfect storm of independent attitude and unbridled baby rage! I won't be a slave to your egg sandwich diet, or your odd addiction to salsa. I'm my own man, dammit!
Um......hey mom? I'm getting kinda hungry in here. Can you throw down on a turkey sandwich or something? Please? Love you!
Ok, I think she's gone now. That crazy woman is torturing me with all of those egg sandwiches. She should be nice to me too, because from here on out she won't be feeling those big kicks and punches as much. Its not that I'm playing nice all of a sudden though. To be honest, I'm running out of room! I don't have the room to wind up and unleash a huge punch or kick anymore. So rather than pound away at her with huge blows, I have no choice but to poke her into submission with a flurry of elbows, knees, and heels.
I've got one last thing for ya before we move onto the baby names of the week. I told you a couple weeks back that I was able to "see" light and dark in here. Well, things are getting even better now. I can not only see the light, but I'll turn my head in that direction to look at it! You can't blame me for doing it though, as a shiny light is about the most awesome thing I've seen so far. I'm drawn to it! And in the past day or so, I've been able to actually move my EYES around to follow the light instead of moving my head around all the time. I'm "practicing to see", and I'm starting to learn how to focus. Daddy says this is important for a photographer, but what kinda crazy man would wanna be a photographer?
Oh.....wait. Nevermind. I guess I know what kind of crazy person would want to be one!
Let's get off that awkward moment and get right to the baby names of the week. Even though I did a pretty good job of picking names last week (according to the voting), I decided to let my Godmomma Teresa handle the name pickin' duties this week. Her submissions for this week are "Parker Reid Joiner" and "Logan Riley Joiner". Go to the right side of the page and let me know what you think!
Until next time, Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 9, 2009
Week 28 - Prepping For a Photo Shoot
Hey there Baby Stalkers! Its week 28 and I'm feeling great! This is the beginning of the third trimester, also known as the "Period of Fetal Viability". Why is it called that? Because I've got at least a 90% chance of survival if I decide to bust outta here early. You hear that death? You can bite me! I'm heading into the world and nothing can stop me now!
I think I'll bide my time a little though. I want better odds than that.
Okay, this week we're gonna start on the inside and work our way out to my most recent changes in appearance. Its not to be wierd, its for a very good reason. So read on!
Let's start off with the ol' baby gray matter. I'm sure that all of you think you know just how smart I am right now. Ladies and gentlemen, we haven't even scratched the SURFACE of my genius! Go ahead, try to find another baby that is MINUS 3 months old that can type, plot, and smack talk like I can. Go ahead, I'll be through college and on my way to ruling the world before anything CLOSE to this ever comes around again....and that'll be MY boy!
Okay I'm a genius....so what's the point, you ask? My point is that my baby brain is starting to look like a real brain now. Before it was kinda smooth, but now it has ridges and grooves. I know its all a part of the growing process, but think about it. If I'm already THIS smart, just picture what I'll be like once I'm born!
So what does a baby that's wise beyond his age DO every day? Well this week my tricks include coughing, sucking my thumb, hiccuping, and more breathing practice. Trust me, its more impressive than it sounds. All of those things are going to help me in the long run. Granted they don't do SQUAT when it comes to helping me get outta here, but once I DO escape they'll help me be a part of that 90% survival rate that I talked about earlier.
Here's another nugget of internal information for you. I'm getting to the point where I can partially control my own body temperature now. Don't get me wrong I love that heat that mom gives off, but its high time I turn up the heat a little myself. In another 3 months it'll be up to me to keep my own body temperature set just right, so I better practice while I can! That's what most of my time consists of right now - practice, practice, practice!
And when I'm not practicing, I dream. I dream a LOT! I started off with little flashes of dreams, and now I'm into full-fledged REM sleep. What do I dream about? Escape, you simple-minded fools! So would you if this was your primary residence. There's no going outside for a walk, or heading to the pool for a swim. I AM "in the pool" and I can't get out! So whatever I dream up usually helps me plot, plan, and scheme my way out of that way-too-small escape hatch that I found.
I seriously don't know how on earth I can squeeze out through there. Not with the way I'm growing. I'm up to about 15 inches tall now and weigh about 2.5 pounds! Sure, some of that is the baby fat deposits that I've been getting. About 2-3% of my body composition is fat right now, so I'm actually pretty slim! In fact, my muscle tone is improving quite a bit. Every day I'm able to kick and punch stronger and stronger. I'm so strong now that I can actually wake up mommy with my Baby-Fu fighting moves.
I started playing a NEW game with mommy and daddy too, just to keep them satisfied. It doesn't have a name just yet, but right now daddy's calling it "that thing where we put a remote control on the tummy and watch it move as the baby kicks and punches".
Wow. He's got that no-brainer naming gene that I thought only doctors had. So he's like a doctor, but without the paycheck. Way to step up and contribute dad. Can't you come up with a name that's a bit....oh I don't know....SHORTER???? Can we keep it under 10 words? How about "kick the remote"? Geez, I'm a BABY and I did a better job naming it than you!
I'm getting a little off subject here though. That game has now been documented. Daddy got some video of it and will be adding it to the video section at the bottom of the blog page. So keep your eyes peeled for that! You'll just see mommy's belly, then a remote control rocking back and forth. Its all Baby, baby!
Everything else to report is pretty much superficial stuff. My hair is getting longer, my eyelashes and eyebrows are still growing, and so on and so forth. That's about it! Again, at this point all I'm doing is getting bigger and more developed. Everything that needs to be here is already here.
Okay, you made it to the end of this and you're wondering what I was talking about at the beginning, right? Well the reason WHY I ended on my outside appearance is because as I post this, the three of us are getting ready for a doctor appointment, followed up by a 3D/4D ultrasound. Yep! At long last everyone will be able to see 3-dimensional pictures and video of me. I'll post that stuff on here a little later. But if you want a preview of what it looks like, just do a search for "4D Ultrasound" and you'll see how it looks!
The other pictures are OKAY, but this is going to show me in ridiculous detail. Mom and dad are begging for me to put on a good show during the viewing, and they also said I can't hide my face. Then again, this is ME that we're talking about. I've got daddy's attitude so maybe I'll lay still and cover my face just to prove to them that I'm not here for their amusement. But hey, who knows? Maybe I'll be in a good mood and decide to play ball. You can never tell what I'm going to do next, I'm a Wild Man! Keep your eyes glued to the baby blog - you never know when those pictures will show up!
Now that the big announcement is out, lets move on to the baby names of the week. But before I do, let me just say congratulations to my Uncle Bryan and Aunt Anne who are getting hitched this weekend! Hurry up you two, and make me a cousin to play with.
Last week my Godmamma came up with two names, and it looks like a great majority of the voters liked them! I wasn't able to catch up with her THIS week for more names, and mommy and daddy were both super slammed with work and other things all week long! So, when in doubt, ask more family members! My Uncle Donny sent a list of Joiner Family names that goes back to the mid-1500s! He thought that might help us come up with a few new names. Well, after running through the list, I decided to pick a few names MYSELF!
The first name this week is Thomas William Joiner, named after the first in the Joiner family to come to the New World in the early 1600s, and his son William who was the first Joiner BORN on what would eventually become US soil.
The second name is Charles Mason Joiner. The first name belonged to my great-great-grandpa!
So that's what you have to pick from this week - "Thomas William Joiner" and "Charles Mason Joiner". My first picks ever (with a little help from Uncle Donny of course). Now go to the right side of the page and vote!
That's it for this week. Stay tuned for more updates (and of course those 3D pictures) soon! Until next time BabyStalkers, keep stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
I think I'll bide my time a little though. I want better odds than that.
Okay, this week we're gonna start on the inside and work our way out to my most recent changes in appearance. Its not to be wierd, its for a very good reason. So read on!
Let's start off with the ol' baby gray matter. I'm sure that all of you think you know just how smart I am right now. Ladies and gentlemen, we haven't even scratched the SURFACE of my genius! Go ahead, try to find another baby that is MINUS 3 months old that can type, plot, and smack talk like I can. Go ahead, I'll be through college and on my way to ruling the world before anything CLOSE to this ever comes around again....and that'll be MY boy!
Okay I'm a genius....so what's the point, you ask? My point is that my baby brain is starting to look like a real brain now. Before it was kinda smooth, but now it has ridges and grooves. I know its all a part of the growing process, but think about it. If I'm already THIS smart, just picture what I'll be like once I'm born!
So what does a baby that's wise beyond his age DO every day? Well this week my tricks include coughing, sucking my thumb, hiccuping, and more breathing practice. Trust me, its more impressive than it sounds. All of those things are going to help me in the long run. Granted they don't do SQUAT when it comes to helping me get outta here, but once I DO escape they'll help me be a part of that 90% survival rate that I talked about earlier.
Here's another nugget of internal information for you. I'm getting to the point where I can partially control my own body temperature now. Don't get me wrong I love that heat that mom gives off, but its high time I turn up the heat a little myself. In another 3 months it'll be up to me to keep my own body temperature set just right, so I better practice while I can! That's what most of my time consists of right now - practice, practice, practice!
And when I'm not practicing, I dream. I dream a LOT! I started off with little flashes of dreams, and now I'm into full-fledged REM sleep. What do I dream about? Escape, you simple-minded fools! So would you if this was your primary residence. There's no going outside for a walk, or heading to the pool for a swim. I AM "in the pool" and I can't get out! So whatever I dream up usually helps me plot, plan, and scheme my way out of that way-too-small escape hatch that I found.
I seriously don't know how on earth I can squeeze out through there. Not with the way I'm growing. I'm up to about 15 inches tall now and weigh about 2.5 pounds! Sure, some of that is the baby fat deposits that I've been getting. About 2-3% of my body composition is fat right now, so I'm actually pretty slim! In fact, my muscle tone is improving quite a bit. Every day I'm able to kick and punch stronger and stronger. I'm so strong now that I can actually wake up mommy with my Baby-Fu fighting moves.
I started playing a NEW game with mommy and daddy too, just to keep them satisfied. It doesn't have a name just yet, but right now daddy's calling it "that thing where we put a remote control on the tummy and watch it move as the baby kicks and punches".
Wow. He's got that no-brainer naming gene that I thought only doctors had. So he's like a doctor, but without the paycheck. Way to step up and contribute dad. Can't you come up with a name that's a bit....oh I don't know....SHORTER???? Can we keep it under 10 words? How about "kick the remote"? Geez, I'm a BABY and I did a better job naming it than you!
I'm getting a little off subject here though. That game has now been documented. Daddy got some video of it and will be adding it to the video section at the bottom of the blog page. So keep your eyes peeled for that! You'll just see mommy's belly, then a remote control rocking back and forth. Its all Baby, baby!
Everything else to report is pretty much superficial stuff. My hair is getting longer, my eyelashes and eyebrows are still growing, and so on and so forth. That's about it! Again, at this point all I'm doing is getting bigger and more developed. Everything that needs to be here is already here.
Okay, you made it to the end of this and you're wondering what I was talking about at the beginning, right? Well the reason WHY I ended on my outside appearance is because as I post this, the three of us are getting ready for a doctor appointment, followed up by a 3D/4D ultrasound. Yep! At long last everyone will be able to see 3-dimensional pictures and video of me. I'll post that stuff on here a little later. But if you want a preview of what it looks like, just do a search for "4D Ultrasound" and you'll see how it looks!
The other pictures are OKAY, but this is going to show me in ridiculous detail. Mom and dad are begging for me to put on a good show during the viewing, and they also said I can't hide my face. Then again, this is ME that we're talking about. I've got daddy's attitude so maybe I'll lay still and cover my face just to prove to them that I'm not here for their amusement. But hey, who knows? Maybe I'll be in a good mood and decide to play ball. You can never tell what I'm going to do next, I'm a Wild Man! Keep your eyes glued to the baby blog - you never know when those pictures will show up!
Now that the big announcement is out, lets move on to the baby names of the week. But before I do, let me just say congratulations to my Uncle Bryan and Aunt Anne who are getting hitched this weekend! Hurry up you two, and make me a cousin to play with.
Last week my Godmamma came up with two names, and it looks like a great majority of the voters liked them! I wasn't able to catch up with her THIS week for more names, and mommy and daddy were both super slammed with work and other things all week long! So, when in doubt, ask more family members! My Uncle Donny sent a list of Joiner Family names that goes back to the mid-1500s! He thought that might help us come up with a few new names. Well, after running through the list, I decided to pick a few names MYSELF!
The first name this week is Thomas William Joiner, named after the first in the Joiner family to come to the New World in the early 1600s, and his son William who was the first Joiner BORN on what would eventually become US soil.
The second name is Charles Mason Joiner. The first name belonged to my great-great-grandpa!
So that's what you have to pick from this week - "Thomas William Joiner" and "Charles Mason Joiner". My first picks ever (with a little help from Uncle Donny of course). Now go to the right side of the page and vote!
That's it for this week. Stay tuned for more updates (and of course those 3D pictures) soon! Until next time BabyStalkers, keep stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 2, 2009
Week 27 - Baby's Got Rhythm!
Hey there Baby Stalkers! Its week 27 and you're in baby heaven! Its the end of the second trimester, and there's all sorts of things to tell you about this week. Most of them all have one thing in common:
Rhythm.
Yeah, feel the rhythm ladies and gentlemen, 'cause this is one baby that's got it! Everything seems to relate to my ability to get funky. Whether we're talking about my movements or my development, the results are the same. I've got James-Brown-like levels of rhythm. Just call me the Hardest Working Baby in Wombsville.
First, the obvious statement - I like music. I mean, I REALLY like music. I don't just kick when I like music, I move to the beat! Back and forth, up and down, and its all to the beat of whatever music I'm listening to. Pretty cool trick, huh? This beats the heck out of those "amazing" things I used to do. Remember a few weeks back when everybody was amazed when I moved on the ultrasound screen? Well this makes that looks pretty petty in comparison now, doesn't it? And if you think THIS is amazing, just wait and see what I have in store the next few weeks. It's gonna blow you away!
And guess what else is rocking to the beat? My sleep schedule! I pretty much sleep and wake up at the same times every day. My favorite time to wake up is around 9-9:30, because then I play my kicking game with daddy. I keep it real simple for his sake - he taps on me and I kick back. I think asking any more of him would be a stretch right now, so let me bring him along slowly and the games will get more adventurous over time. So really when you think about it, even our game is based on rhythm...the daddy & baby rhythm.
When I'm not dancing and wiggling around, sometimes I'll inadventently (big word for a baby huh?) make other tiny little rhythmic movements. Hiccups! They're not really fun - they take me by surprise and then they stick around forever. I tried everything to get rid of them. I told Placenta to try to scare me, hoping they would go away. Curse my instinctively brave nature, he doesn't scare me anymore! So then Placenta said that HE heard that breathing into a paper bag helps.
He's an idiot.
For one thing, where in the world does he expect me to get a paper bag? Its not like I can run to the Piggly Wiggly and steal one from them. Plus I'm pretty sure that he's thinking of hyperventilating anyways, so we gave up on that approach. Eventually they just work themselves out. Right now I'm blaming daddy for the hiccups. I laugh at him so much that hiccups usually follow shortly after my daddy encounters. I'll have your hide for this one day, old man!
Okay, I'm getting off track a bit here, lets get back to my weekly developments. I can open and close my eyes with rhythm too. I heard its called "blinking". It might be a minor detail, but its yet another way that my new blessing of funk is moving me closer and closer to the day of my Great Escape from these walls. And while my eyes are open, I am now able to gather light thanks to my rapidly maturing eyes. The different layers that form the retina receive light and transmit signals to the brain so that I now see images!
They're not the most hi-res things you've ever seen in your life, but they're good enough for me to see my surroundings. And remember, the more I can see, the better I can plan my escape! All of this visual information is helping my brain develop. Its growing as fast as ever. You'd think all of this info got me all edgy and hyper, but one thing calms me down. I'm sure you can guess what it is...its the good ol' thumb! Whenever things get rough or stressful in here, I just take a quick hit off the ol' opposing digit and it knocks me right out. It also doubles as a way to strengthen my cheek and jaw muscles for nursing. So don't discourage me from sucking my thumb. Dammit people, I'm working out!
As far as new developments physically, that's about it. As of this week I now officially have all of the pieces and parts that make me a little bitty person. From here on out, the only thing that happens is that I get bigger and bigger and bigger. I'm thinking about trying to hit the 10-pound mark, is that big enough? It sounds like a nice round number, and I'm sure mommy won't mind. So hang back for a few weeks baby stalkers, and let me "cook" in here.
Don't be too worried though. I'm a pretty mature guy already. My lungs are a little immature right now, but the good news is that with today's medical wonders I could be born right now and be okay. I'd just need some mechanical medical assistance. Actually the more I think about it, that sounds pretty cool! I'd be like a little RoboBaby. Half Baby, Half Machine, TOTAL BADASS!
Silly me. I was so eager to tell you about my rhythm that I forgot to mention my weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! I'm up to 2 pounds now, just like I promised. I doubled my weight in just a few weeks, how cool is that? I betcha a million dollars YOU can't do it! Ah yes, the joys of being a baby. I'm up to about 14.5" tall, which means I'm REALLY starting to take up a lot of space in here. I don't know how much bigger this room gets, but it better start getting bigger SOON. I've already stretched the room further up closer to mommy's rib cage, which is giving her hiccups and shortening her breath. All it takes is a few baby kicks into the diaphragm to get the hiccups going. That is yet another cool trick I've learned. The best part about her having hiccups is that it bounces me around in here, so its kind of like being on a little ride. Luckily there's no height restriction like the rides at DisneyWorld!
Mom is suffering from one other major change to HER body this week. Her body is kicking into overtime to produce more and more progesterone. What it is SUPPOSED to do is relax the muscular walls of the ol' Uterus Bachelor Pad that I'm living in right now. That will help make this room bigger! One side effect of this is that it can cause mood swings. What? I'm confused, I thought that football season caused mood swings! And if you don't think it does, then you haven't sat there between mommy and daddy during a football game. I've heard cheering and laughing, yelling and screaming, and maybe a few random punches thrown into the couch cushions. And that's just mommy! Daddy's even crazier!
And now last but certainly not least, its time for the weekly baby name poll. This week, my Godmother Teresa decided to step up to the plate and give the whole naming thing a try. I welcome her attempt with open baby arms after seeing all of the duds that my parents have thrown out there. Her first suggestion is "James Gage Joiner". It looks like she took daddy's idea of using "James", and then slapped "Gage" in there for a cool, semi-shotgun sounding name. Her other suggestion is "Cole Reese Joiner". I don't know what the reasoning for this one was, but its not too bad either. Heck, its better than anything mommy and daddy have tried to stick me with lately. So be sure to vote over on the right side of the screen and let me know how you think she did in taking over the naming duties this week. I mean hey, she's the Godmother.....she's gotta do something right? Thank you Godmamma!
One more thing to give you a head's up on regarding baby names. In the next few weeks there will be an all-new, exciting way for EVERYONE to get involved in the baby naming process. It takes the weekly polls and adds an exciting twist! I've gotta hand it to daddy on this one, he gave me the idea for it. We're expecting to release it to the world by week 33 or 34. So keep watching for that! (And don't ask me what it is, I'm not going to tell anyone)
Until next week BabyStalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Rhythm.
Yeah, feel the rhythm ladies and gentlemen, 'cause this is one baby that's got it! Everything seems to relate to my ability to get funky. Whether we're talking about my movements or my development, the results are the same. I've got James-Brown-like levels of rhythm. Just call me the Hardest Working Baby in Wombsville.
First, the obvious statement - I like music. I mean, I REALLY like music. I don't just kick when I like music, I move to the beat! Back and forth, up and down, and its all to the beat of whatever music I'm listening to. Pretty cool trick, huh? This beats the heck out of those "amazing" things I used to do. Remember a few weeks back when everybody was amazed when I moved on the ultrasound screen? Well this makes that looks pretty petty in comparison now, doesn't it? And if you think THIS is amazing, just wait and see what I have in store the next few weeks. It's gonna blow you away!
And guess what else is rocking to the beat? My sleep schedule! I pretty much sleep and wake up at the same times every day. My favorite time to wake up is around 9-9:30, because then I play my kicking game with daddy. I keep it real simple for his sake - he taps on me and I kick back. I think asking any more of him would be a stretch right now, so let me bring him along slowly and the games will get more adventurous over time. So really when you think about it, even our game is based on rhythm...the daddy & baby rhythm.
When I'm not dancing and wiggling around, sometimes I'll inadventently (big word for a baby huh?) make other tiny little rhythmic movements. Hiccups! They're not really fun - they take me by surprise and then they stick around forever. I tried everything to get rid of them. I told Placenta to try to scare me, hoping they would go away. Curse my instinctively brave nature, he doesn't scare me anymore! So then Placenta said that HE heard that breathing into a paper bag helps.
He's an idiot.
For one thing, where in the world does he expect me to get a paper bag? Its not like I can run to the Piggly Wiggly and steal one from them. Plus I'm pretty sure that he's thinking of hyperventilating anyways, so we gave up on that approach. Eventually they just work themselves out. Right now I'm blaming daddy for the hiccups. I laugh at him so much that hiccups usually follow shortly after my daddy encounters. I'll have your hide for this one day, old man!
Okay, I'm getting off track a bit here, lets get back to my weekly developments. I can open and close my eyes with rhythm too. I heard its called "blinking". It might be a minor detail, but its yet another way that my new blessing of funk is moving me closer and closer to the day of my Great Escape from these walls. And while my eyes are open, I am now able to gather light thanks to my rapidly maturing eyes. The different layers that form the retina receive light and transmit signals to the brain so that I now see images!
They're not the most hi-res things you've ever seen in your life, but they're good enough for me to see my surroundings. And remember, the more I can see, the better I can plan my escape! All of this visual information is helping my brain develop. Its growing as fast as ever. You'd think all of this info got me all edgy and hyper, but one thing calms me down. I'm sure you can guess what it is...its the good ol' thumb! Whenever things get rough or stressful in here, I just take a quick hit off the ol' opposing digit and it knocks me right out. It also doubles as a way to strengthen my cheek and jaw muscles for nursing. So don't discourage me from sucking my thumb. Dammit people, I'm working out!
As far as new developments physically, that's about it. As of this week I now officially have all of the pieces and parts that make me a little bitty person. From here on out, the only thing that happens is that I get bigger and bigger and bigger. I'm thinking about trying to hit the 10-pound mark, is that big enough? It sounds like a nice round number, and I'm sure mommy won't mind. So hang back for a few weeks baby stalkers, and let me "cook" in here.
Don't be too worried though. I'm a pretty mature guy already. My lungs are a little immature right now, but the good news is that with today's medical wonders I could be born right now and be okay. I'd just need some mechanical medical assistance. Actually the more I think about it, that sounds pretty cool! I'd be like a little RoboBaby. Half Baby, Half Machine, TOTAL BADASS!
Silly me. I was so eager to tell you about my rhythm that I forgot to mention my weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! I'm up to 2 pounds now, just like I promised. I doubled my weight in just a few weeks, how cool is that? I betcha a million dollars YOU can't do it! Ah yes, the joys of being a baby. I'm up to about 14.5" tall, which means I'm REALLY starting to take up a lot of space in here. I don't know how much bigger this room gets, but it better start getting bigger SOON. I've already stretched the room further up closer to mommy's rib cage, which is giving her hiccups and shortening her breath. All it takes is a few baby kicks into the diaphragm to get the hiccups going. That is yet another cool trick I've learned. The best part about her having hiccups is that it bounces me around in here, so its kind of like being on a little ride. Luckily there's no height restriction like the rides at DisneyWorld!
Mom is suffering from one other major change to HER body this week. Her body is kicking into overtime to produce more and more progesterone. What it is SUPPOSED to do is relax the muscular walls of the ol' Uterus Bachelor Pad that I'm living in right now. That will help make this room bigger! One side effect of this is that it can cause mood swings. What? I'm confused, I thought that football season caused mood swings! And if you don't think it does, then you haven't sat there between mommy and daddy during a football game. I've heard cheering and laughing, yelling and screaming, and maybe a few random punches thrown into the couch cushions. And that's just mommy! Daddy's even crazier!
And now last but certainly not least, its time for the weekly baby name poll. This week, my Godmother Teresa decided to step up to the plate and give the whole naming thing a try. I welcome her attempt with open baby arms after seeing all of the duds that my parents have thrown out there. Her first suggestion is "James Gage Joiner". It looks like she took daddy's idea of using "James", and then slapped "Gage" in there for a cool, semi-shotgun sounding name. Her other suggestion is "Cole Reese Joiner". I don't know what the reasoning for this one was, but its not too bad either. Heck, its better than anything mommy and daddy have tried to stick me with lately. So be sure to vote over on the right side of the screen and let me know how you think she did in taking over the naming duties this week. I mean hey, she's the Godmother.....she's gotta do something right? Thank you Godmamma!
One more thing to give you a head's up on regarding baby names. In the next few weeks there will be an all-new, exciting way for EVERYONE to get involved in the baby naming process. It takes the weekly polls and adds an exciting twist! I've gotta hand it to daddy on this one, he gave me the idea for it. We're expecting to release it to the world by week 33 or 34. So keep watching for that! (And don't ask me what it is, I'm not going to tell anyone)
Until next week BabyStalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, September 25, 2009
Week 26 - I Need a Vacation!
I need a vacation from the Celebration! Things are getting really crazy around here, and ol' BabyBoy Joiner needs a break! Now I know what you're thinking - why in the WORLD does a baby need vacation? Vacation from what? And where would I go? What would I do? Lets tackle these questions one at a time.
First for the why - mommy and daddy are driving me CRAZY! Both of them are on vacation this week, which to ME would follow up with the logical assumption of rest and relaxation. I don't know if they're doing this on purpose, but both of them seem to be working even HARDER than a normal week! How in the world is that possible? I thought vacations made you work LESS! At least they're doing all of this week for ME. That makes all of the movin' and shakin' in here a little more tolerable. They're moving boxes and furniture around to make room for me, PLUS daddy painted my room on thursday in preparation for my arrival.
What color? No, not orange and blue (although I've heard there's a LOT of that color around the house already). The official color name is like 4 or 5 words long, but I'll just simplify it and call it lime green. The reasoning for this is they say it goes with my new bedroom set, which is a Winnie the Pooh theme. I'm not sure exactly WHO Winnie the Pooh is yet, but he must be a real tough dude. Daddy thinks Winnie the Pooh is awesome, so I can only imagine he plays football, or blows things up, and that chicks dig him. Hang on, let me check this online.
What the deuce? He's a bear? A freakin' STUFFED BEAR??? With a shirt, beer belly and no pants? How does he not get ARRESTED for walking around like that? Good lord man, this is your idea of COOL? I INSIST you change my room decor IMMEDIATELY. And no more bears, little man. I want LIGHTNING BOLTS AND HAND GRENADES!!!!!
Okay its clearly obvious that I need a vacation. So where would I go, you ask? I admit that my travel options ARE a bit limited in here. I can basically just travel from East Uteria over to West Uteria and see what's going on over there. Then again I COULD travel to Northern edge of Uteria and relax by kicking ribs for a few days. Or I can head to the temperate climate of South Uteria and spend a few days playing "kick the bladder" with my former-nemesis-turned-lackey Placenta! (Always bet on me. I always win "kick the bladder" because Placenta has no legs)
But until I make my big trip to the outside world, I'm stuck in here blogging away. So lets get back to business with our weekly Baby Tale of the Tape. I'm growing like a weed in here. A pudgy little baby-weed! I'm up to 14 inches tall and weigh just a little under 2 pounds. Yeah, I've been beefing up. A man's gotta look good when he makes his big entrance, y'know? The baby fat continues to pile on but don't worry - daddy will have me on the Joiner family treadmill as soon as I bust outta here.
Wait'll you hear this - my ears are developing all sorts of new nerve pathways, which means I can hear better than ever! (That's why I said "wait'll you HEAR this"...get it? Ah nevermind) Daddy has already started reading a few books to me. First it was Dr. Seuss and the Berenstein Bears, but his last selection has me a little concerned. Isn't "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu just a WEE bit accelerated for me? Its too cryptic old man, lets get back to "Hop on Pop" and "The Cat and the Hat"!
Now is also the time for the both of them to update that music playlist and give me some good music to listen to. I'll listen to just about anything, but I prefer classic rock. Shhhhh!!! Don't tell my mom. She thinks I like soft baby-style melodies. I want it to be a surprise when I pop out and can recite the lyrics of the entire AC/DC "Back in Black" album to her. That oughtta freak her out pretty good. The coolest part about these really cool ears I've got is that not only do I HEAR the music, but I also can move to the rhythm too! That means I can sway back and forth, move my head around to the beat, and other tricks like that. Pretty cool huh? Yeah I know. Hey, its me - what ISN'T cool about me right now? Everybody loves a baby!
Well, except for the person that gets stuck changing me. Heh heh heh, I can't wait to drop a few bombs and laugh about it!
I'm continuing to practice my breathing in here now that my nose is opened up. I'm breathing in this liquid pretty easily now, and the GOOD news is that the amniotic fluid now gets replaced about every hour. Alright! Lets hear it for not floating around in my own waste! This accelerated recycling is just in time, because I've now got a fully functioning set of oil and sweat glands. So I guess if I need oil and sweat, I'm all set! (Yeah I made that rhyme on purpose) I also respond to touch better and better every week, although I continue to warn you against touching the belly. You wouldn't want to wake me. I get cranky when I don't get all the sleep I need. Just like daddy.
And now for the BIG news of the week. Want a hint? Guess who can play peek-a-boo right now? That's right - my eyelids finally separated, so I can see now! Let me tell you, this place isn't as impressive as I thought it would be. The walls are pretty much bare, this room is MUCH smaller than it first appeared to be, and Placenta is a hideous looking creature. How hideous? Lets just say he's a DISTANT second place in the "Handsome-Creatures-In-Mommy's-Belly" competition. And now it appears that this umbilical cord actually attaches me to him, like we're on some kind of prenatal chain-gang or something! What did I do to deserve this? I mean other than making mommy nauseous, then growing bigger and bigger, then kicking her incessantly in the ribs, bladder, and stomach....I've been a good boy!
There's not much else to look at in here, although one cool thing about BabyVision is that it allows me to tell the difference between light and dark now. If mommy were sleeping one night, and then all of a sudden my dad wanted to play a mean trick on her and shine a 2 million candlepower spotlight at her, I would TOTALLY get the joke....and then turn away from the light. And don't put it past him, he plays all sorts of wierd games with mommy. His favorites seem to be "Guess the smell", and "Guess what I'm not doing" when she asks him to do a favor for her. Quality guy huh? Yep, I've got some role model.
What else is going on.....oh, I'm on a pretty set schedule right now. I'm not talking about the whole eat, sleep, poop schedule that I'll carry through into my first year of life either. I'm talking about my sleep patterns. I wake up and go to sleep at around the same times every day. I also plan my activites out pretty regularly too. I mean, other than the usual shifts and kicks to "get comfortable" throughout the day, I tend to get most of my exercise around 9-9:30 at night. That also happens to be right about when mommy goes to sleep, so when her day ends, my fun begins! Seriously, I'm surprised she can sleep with all the action going on in here. My favorite is a sort of prewalking exercise where I "pedal" against mommy's body. I don't really walk anywhere (it doesn't take long to get from East Uteria to West Uteria), but the movements will get me ready for just after birth, where I expect daddy to hook me up with my first Marathon training schedule.
But before I begin my triumphant entrance into the running world, I'm going to need a name for all of my fans to call me. That brings us to the baby name poll of the week! This week we have two totally new suggestions, two of which that mommy and daddy both seemed to like. They're DIFFERENT to say the least, but they have a cool sounding ring to them for different reasons. First we have "Quinn Logan Joiner". Quinn Joiner - it takes a minute to get used to, but this name will grow on ya. My oh-so-wise parents picked this name for different reasons. Mommy picked it and likes it because it kinda has a link to her family. Daddy likes it because he said - and I quote - "Oh cool! The boat captain in Jaws was named Quint, which is kinda close, and that guy kicked butt!"
God help me - my dad likes the name that SOUNDS like the name of a fictitional fishing boat captain. But hey, it has a decent ring to it.
The second suggestion is Colton Thomas Joiner. Colt Joiner - short, simple, to the point. And no, its not because of Colt McCoy, who is probably the only "Colt" that pops into anybody's name right now. That guy is a tool. Everyone in their right mind knows that Tebow is the man in 2009!
So those are your choices - Quinn Joiner and/or Colt Joiner. And this week, daddy actually asked ME what my opinion was for the first time, and I responded. Thank God for these ears! Now I'M starting to give input on which names I like. I won't tell you which one I kicked for until next week - I don't want to put my bias out there. Head on over to the right side of the page and vote! Voice your opinion, lest I be saddled with a name so traumatic that I never recover!
Big baby news next week, so stay tuned. Until next week Baby Stalkers.....keep on Stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
First for the why - mommy and daddy are driving me CRAZY! Both of them are on vacation this week, which to ME would follow up with the logical assumption of rest and relaxation. I don't know if they're doing this on purpose, but both of them seem to be working even HARDER than a normal week! How in the world is that possible? I thought vacations made you work LESS! At least they're doing all of this week for ME. That makes all of the movin' and shakin' in here a little more tolerable. They're moving boxes and furniture around to make room for me, PLUS daddy painted my room on thursday in preparation for my arrival.
What color? No, not orange and blue (although I've heard there's a LOT of that color around the house already). The official color name is like 4 or 5 words long, but I'll just simplify it and call it lime green. The reasoning for this is they say it goes with my new bedroom set, which is a Winnie the Pooh theme. I'm not sure exactly WHO Winnie the Pooh is yet, but he must be a real tough dude. Daddy thinks Winnie the Pooh is awesome, so I can only imagine he plays football, or blows things up, and that chicks dig him. Hang on, let me check this online.
What the deuce? He's a bear? A freakin' STUFFED BEAR??? With a shirt, beer belly and no pants? How does he not get ARRESTED for walking around like that? Good lord man, this is your idea of COOL? I INSIST you change my room decor IMMEDIATELY. And no more bears, little man. I want LIGHTNING BOLTS AND HAND GRENADES!!!!!
Okay its clearly obvious that I need a vacation. So where would I go, you ask? I admit that my travel options ARE a bit limited in here. I can basically just travel from East Uteria over to West Uteria and see what's going on over there. Then again I COULD travel to Northern edge of Uteria and relax by kicking ribs for a few days. Or I can head to the temperate climate of South Uteria and spend a few days playing "kick the bladder" with my former-nemesis-turned-lackey Placenta! (Always bet on me. I always win "kick the bladder" because Placenta has no legs)
But until I make my big trip to the outside world, I'm stuck in here blogging away. So lets get back to business with our weekly Baby Tale of the Tape. I'm growing like a weed in here. A pudgy little baby-weed! I'm up to 14 inches tall and weigh just a little under 2 pounds. Yeah, I've been beefing up. A man's gotta look good when he makes his big entrance, y'know? The baby fat continues to pile on but don't worry - daddy will have me on the Joiner family treadmill as soon as I bust outta here.
Wait'll you hear this - my ears are developing all sorts of new nerve pathways, which means I can hear better than ever! (That's why I said "wait'll you HEAR this"...get it? Ah nevermind) Daddy has already started reading a few books to me. First it was Dr. Seuss and the Berenstein Bears, but his last selection has me a little concerned. Isn't "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu just a WEE bit accelerated for me? Its too cryptic old man, lets get back to "Hop on Pop" and "The Cat and the Hat"!
Now is also the time for the both of them to update that music playlist and give me some good music to listen to. I'll listen to just about anything, but I prefer classic rock. Shhhhh!!! Don't tell my mom. She thinks I like soft baby-style melodies. I want it to be a surprise when I pop out and can recite the lyrics of the entire AC/DC "Back in Black" album to her. That oughtta freak her out pretty good. The coolest part about these really cool ears I've got is that not only do I HEAR the music, but I also can move to the rhythm too! That means I can sway back and forth, move my head around to the beat, and other tricks like that. Pretty cool huh? Yeah I know. Hey, its me - what ISN'T cool about me right now? Everybody loves a baby!
Well, except for the person that gets stuck changing me. Heh heh heh, I can't wait to drop a few bombs and laugh about it!
I'm continuing to practice my breathing in here now that my nose is opened up. I'm breathing in this liquid pretty easily now, and the GOOD news is that the amniotic fluid now gets replaced about every hour. Alright! Lets hear it for not floating around in my own waste! This accelerated recycling is just in time, because I've now got a fully functioning set of oil and sweat glands. So I guess if I need oil and sweat, I'm all set! (Yeah I made that rhyme on purpose) I also respond to touch better and better every week, although I continue to warn you against touching the belly. You wouldn't want to wake me. I get cranky when I don't get all the sleep I need. Just like daddy.
And now for the BIG news of the week. Want a hint? Guess who can play peek-a-boo right now? That's right - my eyelids finally separated, so I can see now! Let me tell you, this place isn't as impressive as I thought it would be. The walls are pretty much bare, this room is MUCH smaller than it first appeared to be, and Placenta is a hideous looking creature. How hideous? Lets just say he's a DISTANT second place in the "Handsome-Creatures-In-Mommy's-Belly" competition. And now it appears that this umbilical cord actually attaches me to him, like we're on some kind of prenatal chain-gang or something! What did I do to deserve this? I mean other than making mommy nauseous, then growing bigger and bigger, then kicking her incessantly in the ribs, bladder, and stomach....I've been a good boy!
There's not much else to look at in here, although one cool thing about BabyVision is that it allows me to tell the difference between light and dark now. If mommy were sleeping one night, and then all of a sudden my dad wanted to play a mean trick on her and shine a 2 million candlepower spotlight at her, I would TOTALLY get the joke....and then turn away from the light. And don't put it past him, he plays all sorts of wierd games with mommy. His favorites seem to be "Guess the smell", and "Guess what I'm not doing" when she asks him to do a favor for her. Quality guy huh? Yep, I've got some role model.
What else is going on.....oh, I'm on a pretty set schedule right now. I'm not talking about the whole eat, sleep, poop schedule that I'll carry through into my first year of life either. I'm talking about my sleep patterns. I wake up and go to sleep at around the same times every day. I also plan my activites out pretty regularly too. I mean, other than the usual shifts and kicks to "get comfortable" throughout the day, I tend to get most of my exercise around 9-9:30 at night. That also happens to be right about when mommy goes to sleep, so when her day ends, my fun begins! Seriously, I'm surprised she can sleep with all the action going on in here. My favorite is a sort of prewalking exercise where I "pedal" against mommy's body. I don't really walk anywhere (it doesn't take long to get from East Uteria to West Uteria), but the movements will get me ready for just after birth, where I expect daddy to hook me up with my first Marathon training schedule.
But before I begin my triumphant entrance into the running world, I'm going to need a name for all of my fans to call me. That brings us to the baby name poll of the week! This week we have two totally new suggestions, two of which that mommy and daddy both seemed to like. They're DIFFERENT to say the least, but they have a cool sounding ring to them for different reasons. First we have "Quinn Logan Joiner". Quinn Joiner - it takes a minute to get used to, but this name will grow on ya. My oh-so-wise parents picked this name for different reasons. Mommy picked it and likes it because it kinda has a link to her family. Daddy likes it because he said - and I quote - "Oh cool! The boat captain in Jaws was named Quint, which is kinda close, and that guy kicked butt!"
God help me - my dad likes the name that SOUNDS like the name of a fictitional fishing boat captain. But hey, it has a decent ring to it.
The second suggestion is Colton Thomas Joiner. Colt Joiner - short, simple, to the point. And no, its not because of Colt McCoy, who is probably the only "Colt" that pops into anybody's name right now. That guy is a tool. Everyone in their right mind knows that Tebow is the man in 2009!
So those are your choices - Quinn Joiner and/or Colt Joiner. And this week, daddy actually asked ME what my opinion was for the first time, and I responded. Thank God for these ears! Now I'M starting to give input on which names I like. I won't tell you which one I kicked for until next week - I don't want to put my bias out there. Head on over to the right side of the page and vote! Voice your opinion, lest I be saddled with a name so traumatic that I never recover!
Big baby news next week, so stay tuned. Until next week Baby Stalkers.....keep on Stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
