Hey there, baby stalkers! Welcome to week 35!
I hope all of you ate as well as I did this week. My mommy/warden introduced me to something called “Thanksgiving”. I haven’t quite figured out exactly what it is, but I had some of the best food EVER. Bite after bite of delicious sustenance came down the ol’ food tube in true “shock and aww” fashion. And no, I didn’t make a typo there. I meant “aww” instead of “awe”. Why? Because I kept thinking “Aww man, that’s some good food!” I don’t know why they call it Thanksgiving when they should call it “everybody eats until they pop and then falls asleep on the couch”. I like my name better, but I’m guessing the greeting cards would look a little wordy if they did it my way.
Man, time sure is flying! I just realized how close to D-Day I actually am! At this point I could pop out of this fleshy baby-cage without any major problems. Don't believe me? Well, check this out....
My eating/sucking reflex is now developed enough for me to figure out how to eat once I pop out. I know that eating is just second-nature to some of you big-bellied outsiders, but you have to see it from my perspective. So far, I've had all of my food pumped into me through a fun 'n flexy tube, so actually taking food in through my mouth is kind of a big deal. Don't think so? Well then, YOU try eating in a totally different way - say, through your nose - and see how natural it is to you. Unless you can "wow" me with a Snickers up your left nostril, you can keep your criticisms to yourself.
Speaking of developed, you can add my kidneys to the ever-growing list of things on my body that are fully formed. Both of 'em are all grown, in place, and ready to....to....hey dad, what do kidneys do? They make pee? Man, I've been peeing for ages. Are you sure that's all they do? Well folks, I'm sure kidneys do more than make and filter pee, but my genius dad has nothing else to add. He's no doctor, that's for sure. After all, his two remedies for any ailment are always "Walk it off" or "rub some dirt on it".
Continuing on the whole development theme, my lungs are pretty much ready to go. They're basically a hair short of fully cooked. Rest assured that if I was born now, I'd be fine. I might get a cool new bed in the NICU for a little bit but I'd be okay. It'll be refreshing to be able to actually get some air in my lungs and let out my first scream. I've heard daddy do it all through football season, so it MUST be fun. I mean, would he really yell that much if it wasn't? Wait, don't answer that. I forgot to take into account my dad's "short bus" factor.
Speaking of lungs, you wanna hear something wierd? I saw a study the other day that said lungs of a baby girl develop faster than the lungs of a baby boy. At first I was a quite stunned to see this. I mean hey, baby boys end up being quite a bit bigger and stronger than baby girls, so it didn't make sense. But think about it - the ladies NEED to have their lungs developed. It just preps them for all of the nagging and whining that they'll do in the future! HA HA HA HA HA
Oh man, mom sure isn't gonna like that one. But come on, that's funny stuff.
Lastly, I've been stashing away lots of baby fat. Don't judge me though. I don't get a say on how much I eat! Mom's the one shoveling in the cookies and cake! Besides, I don't think of it as fat - its insulation. That's the only reason I'm packing on the pounds. If there wasn't a need to stay warm I'd escape from here looking all lean and cut. Right now I'm between 5.5 and 6 pounds and right around 18" tall. That's pretty big considering I still have 5 weeks to go. And to top it all off, I now have a 99% chance of survival this week. That means you can count on me popping out without any significant problems. Aside from this nasty meanstreak of mine, that is.
I can tell that my time to escape is drawing near. I could be crazy, but it seems like the walls of my cell are getting THINNER. I can actually see more and more light coming through. Hmmmm, maybe I can just charge through one of these walls instead of taking the only exit out? They DEFINITELY wouldn't be expecitng THAT!
Either way, I need to come up with a backup plan. Word in the womb is that mom and dad are going to be waiting on me. I expected mom to be there - she's FORCED to be - but dad too? Alright old man, I see how it is. If you want to wait outside like a prison guard, then be prepared to face my fury. This isn't an escape to freedom anymore. Its a showdown. Expect my battle cry to be ear-piercing. And the attack? Well I won't go into details but it involves YOU and a dirty diaper. And I'll make sure mom takes me to Taco Bell before we meet. It won't be pretty.
Enough about the old man, lets get back to me. What did all of you think about my Baby Bracket? Pretty brilliant, I know. Well in the first week of the bracket we saw a lot of good matchups, and we have now officially said goodbye to HALF of the name candidates. We're down to the Sweet 16 of baby names right now.
Already in the first week we have a couple upset wins! In the Daddy division, 7th seeded Caleb Thomas upset 2nd seeded Brady Asher by a vote of 14 to 7, and 5th seeded James Gage upset 4th seeded Colt Thomas 13 to 8. In the Mommy Division, 3rd seed Johnathan Mason fell to Jackson Andrew 15 to 6, and in the Godfather Division, 4th seed Charles Mason fell to Anthony William 16 to 4. The Godmother Division had an upset as well. 4th seed Jeremy Allen got smacked by Parker Reid, 13 to 7.
Wow. It looks like people don’t like the middle name “Mason” very much. Two fell in one week! Will your favorite name make it to the Elite 8? Be sure to vote and make your voice heard! Remember, the winning name goes into the delivery room with us so make sure its a good one.
That's it for now folks! Be sure to come back next week for the latest in Baby News. Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-Baby Boy Joiner
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Week 34 - Baby Name Madness
Hello there, guys 'n gals! Its time for your Week 34 update.
From here on out, you won't really hear much about any changes going on. To tell you the truth, there's not much left to work on in here. I'm pretty much the spitting image of perfection as-is. No need for improvements because honestly, I don't think its possible! I'm looking good, I'm ready to rock, all I'm doing now is getting bigger and bigger.
That's the one thing that WILL be changing. My weight continues its sharp rise from week to week. Right now I'm just about a hair under 5 pounds and a little under 18 inches tall. How do I know that? Because I'm a GENIUS. Hey, don't ask silly questions unless you want a silly answer. When I say it, you can take it as gospel!
I guess the biggest announcement this week is that I'm starting to shift down. I've already turned down into the head-first escape position, but now I'm starting to head that way, towards sweet glorious freedom! If you were to keep a constant eye on mommy, you'd notice that she's now starting to "carry low". More of her baby bulge would be low instead of high. That's right, I used to be riding high but from here on out, I'm riding low! Its more comfortable because I'm hurtin' for extra space. I'm getting heavier and taller, but the room is staying the SAME SIZE.
Yep, no hope for building on an addition. Leg room? HA! That's a thing of the past. I'm all balled up in here, twisted and contorted like a pretzel. Is this an elbow or knee....I can't tell! For the next 6 weeks I'll be stuck in this fetal crash position. Yay. And yes, take the lack of appropriate punctuation there as DEEP, BITING SARCASM. And now that the amniotic fluid levels have stabilized, that means less and less cushion for me. I'm just laying against the walls and floor in here. No sign of a mattress or even one of those kindergarten nap mats. Yeah, good luck slipping off into dreamland in these conditions.
Oh, here's a good little nugget of info for you all - my liver is almost fully formed. That means I can process regular amounts of waste without any problem. Now I know what you're thinking. The word "liver" isn't one of those words that you're EVER excited to hear about. Case in point - nobody likes to eat liver. NOBODY. Trust me, if it was a tasty treat they would've found a way to work it onto a Value Menu somehow. Also, you never really think about your OWN liver unless its bad news. Nobody runs around screaming to the hills that "MY LIVER RULES!" Sorry liver, but you just don't get top billing in this world. Not even if you're mine.
I did finalize SOMETHING this week, so I should probably mention that. Its something that daddy says I'll be using a LOT in my lifetime - adrenal glands. I don't quite understand why I need cortisol, but he's told me ALL about adrenaline. According to him, I'm going to need a lot of this stuff during football season and also when I become the awesome distance runner that I'm destined to be. If you doubt my future as a runner, just ask my mom what she thinks about me using her as a treadmill and see what kind of reaction you get.
Hmmmmmmm......not much else to tell ya. Oh, I have enough of an immune system to fight off mild infections. Yeah great, not real useful. If your main bragging point is that you can accomplish or stop anything that's "mild", you've still got a ways to go. Hey, look at me accomplish mediocre feats! I can defeat anything MILD! But hey, it beats NO immune system I guess.
Okay, now on to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! The days of the weekly baby name poll are a thing of the past. Well, sort of. You see, mommy and daddy are still having one heck of a time trying to figure out a name for me. I've suggested a few, my godmamma has suggested a few, and over the course of the past several months we've assembled a list of "contenders". Every week, you guys 'n gals would tell me what you thought of each. You'll be happy to know that it wasn't all in vain.
Mom and dad have decided to arm themselves with a list of 4 or 5 names, and then decide when they actually see me after my escape. So I thought to myself, "Why not let all of my FANS help out?" And that, dear readers, is when my young yet incredibly powerful mind came up with perhaps the greatest idea ever thought up in the history of man.
I call it "The Baby Bracket". Not the most imaginative title in the world but hey, it's been a long week. Cut me some slack.
So what does it do? Well, we have 32 names in the running. 8 names per division, seeded 1 through 8. A name earned its "seeding" through the results of those weekly polls. The net result of positive and negative votes made up a score. The top 4 scores earn a #1 seeding, the next 4 earn a #2, and so on. There are 4 Divisions - The Mommy Division, Daddy Division, Godmother Division, and Godfather Division.
Each week, instead of voting on a single pair of names, you'll vote on MULTIPLE pairs of names! Your votes will decide which names move on from week to week, and the name that "wins" in the final week will be the name that will be added to mommy and daddy's list as one of the name possibilities! Just think - you can help pick out my actual NAME! Pretty cool huh?
I've wiped all of the old baby name polls off of the blog. Every poll that is there is a NEW poll for you to vote on. Since we start with 32 names, you have 16 different polls to vote on in week one, so get busy! In addition, if you'd like to "up the ante" a bit, feel free to download the actual graphic of the poll, fill it out, and email it back with your predictions on how you think things will go. Whoever gets the most correct bracket wins a super-cool, super-secret baby prize! Email them to my dad at joiner74@msn.com and he'll do all the dirty work and handle these for me. Yeah, he's like my secretary on this...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you'll find the actual Baby Bracket. It will get updated every week when the voting results come in! Keep in mind to vote early, as the voting period will end on Thursday evening instead of Friday morning like they are now.
Okay, you've got a lot of work to do, so start voting! This is where things really get interesting.
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
From here on out, you won't really hear much about any changes going on. To tell you the truth, there's not much left to work on in here. I'm pretty much the spitting image of perfection as-is. No need for improvements because honestly, I don't think its possible! I'm looking good, I'm ready to rock, all I'm doing now is getting bigger and bigger.
That's the one thing that WILL be changing. My weight continues its sharp rise from week to week. Right now I'm just about a hair under 5 pounds and a little under 18 inches tall. How do I know that? Because I'm a GENIUS. Hey, don't ask silly questions unless you want a silly answer. When I say it, you can take it as gospel!
I guess the biggest announcement this week is that I'm starting to shift down. I've already turned down into the head-first escape position, but now I'm starting to head that way, towards sweet glorious freedom! If you were to keep a constant eye on mommy, you'd notice that she's now starting to "carry low". More of her baby bulge would be low instead of high. That's right, I used to be riding high but from here on out, I'm riding low! Its more comfortable because I'm hurtin' for extra space. I'm getting heavier and taller, but the room is staying the SAME SIZE.
Yep, no hope for building on an addition. Leg room? HA! That's a thing of the past. I'm all balled up in here, twisted and contorted like a pretzel. Is this an elbow or knee....I can't tell! For the next 6 weeks I'll be stuck in this fetal crash position. Yay. And yes, take the lack of appropriate punctuation there as DEEP, BITING SARCASM. And now that the amniotic fluid levels have stabilized, that means less and less cushion for me. I'm just laying against the walls and floor in here. No sign of a mattress or even one of those kindergarten nap mats. Yeah, good luck slipping off into dreamland in these conditions.
Oh, here's a good little nugget of info for you all - my liver is almost fully formed. That means I can process regular amounts of waste without any problem. Now I know what you're thinking. The word "liver" isn't one of those words that you're EVER excited to hear about. Case in point - nobody likes to eat liver. NOBODY. Trust me, if it was a tasty treat they would've found a way to work it onto a Value Menu somehow. Also, you never really think about your OWN liver unless its bad news. Nobody runs around screaming to the hills that "MY LIVER RULES!" Sorry liver, but you just don't get top billing in this world. Not even if you're mine.
I did finalize SOMETHING this week, so I should probably mention that. Its something that daddy says I'll be using a LOT in my lifetime - adrenal glands. I don't quite understand why I need cortisol, but he's told me ALL about adrenaline. According to him, I'm going to need a lot of this stuff during football season and also when I become the awesome distance runner that I'm destined to be. If you doubt my future as a runner, just ask my mom what she thinks about me using her as a treadmill and see what kind of reaction you get.
Hmmmmmmm......not much else to tell ya. Oh, I have enough of an immune system to fight off mild infections. Yeah great, not real useful. If your main bragging point is that you can accomplish or stop anything that's "mild", you've still got a ways to go. Hey, look at me accomplish mediocre feats! I can defeat anything MILD! But hey, it beats NO immune system I guess.
Okay, now on to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! The days of the weekly baby name poll are a thing of the past. Well, sort of. You see, mommy and daddy are still having one heck of a time trying to figure out a name for me. I've suggested a few, my godmamma has suggested a few, and over the course of the past several months we've assembled a list of "contenders". Every week, you guys 'n gals would tell me what you thought of each. You'll be happy to know that it wasn't all in vain.
Mom and dad have decided to arm themselves with a list of 4 or 5 names, and then decide when they actually see me after my escape. So I thought to myself, "Why not let all of my FANS help out?" And that, dear readers, is when my young yet incredibly powerful mind came up with perhaps the greatest idea ever thought up in the history of man.
I call it "The Baby Bracket". Not the most imaginative title in the world but hey, it's been a long week. Cut me some slack.
So what does it do? Well, we have 32 names in the running. 8 names per division, seeded 1 through 8. A name earned its "seeding" through the results of those weekly polls. The net result of positive and negative votes made up a score. The top 4 scores earn a #1 seeding, the next 4 earn a #2, and so on. There are 4 Divisions - The Mommy Division, Daddy Division, Godmother Division, and Godfather Division.
Each week, instead of voting on a single pair of names, you'll vote on MULTIPLE pairs of names! Your votes will decide which names move on from week to week, and the name that "wins" in the final week will be the name that will be added to mommy and daddy's list as one of the name possibilities! Just think - you can help pick out my actual NAME! Pretty cool huh?
I've wiped all of the old baby name polls off of the blog. Every poll that is there is a NEW poll for you to vote on. Since we start with 32 names, you have 16 different polls to vote on in week one, so get busy! In addition, if you'd like to "up the ante" a bit, feel free to download the actual graphic of the poll, fill it out, and email it back with your predictions on how you think things will go. Whoever gets the most correct bracket wins a super-cool, super-secret baby prize! Email them to my dad at joiner74@msn.com and he'll do all the dirty work and handle these for me. Yeah, he's like my secretary on this...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you'll find the actual Baby Bracket. It will get updated every week when the voting results come in! Keep in mind to vote early, as the voting period will end on Thursday evening instead of Friday morning like they are now.
Okay, you've got a lot of work to do, so start voting! This is where things really get interesting.
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, November 13, 2009
Week 33 - The Checklist
Hey there Baby Fans! Welcome to week 33. Less than 50 days are left in my mommy-prison sentence, so lets get down to business. I don't have all day to sit here and write. I've got an escape to plan, dammit!
The plan is coming together quite nicely. I've left nothing to chance in this scheme to free myself from these fleshy confinements. I've drawn a map of the escape route and printed it out to keep in my back pocket until the day arrives when I......Wait a minute. No back pockets?!!!!! Where am I supposed to keep things? Well, I suppose I could just tape it to my wall in here and hope it doesn't fall down. Hang on a second. I need to go pilfer some office supplies from mommy's desk.
****BABY INTERMISSION - THIS MEANS A BREAK FOR ME, NOT A BRIEF PAUSE****
Okay I'm back now, and the map has been secured. What's that? How did I manage to get something in here that was way out there? Well I'll spare you the details, but let me just say that this umbilical cord has MANY uses. If I keep this up I'll be a rodeo champion by the age of 4 with these lasso skills. The only question now is how to get the tape dispenser back on her desk without anyone being suspicious. Fire alarm maybe? Ah, no matter. I'll get it back there somehow. And don't you readers start feeling any sort of sympathy for my warden mother. It could've been worse, I could've gone for the stapler and staple remover instead of the tape!
Alongside my map I've also taped up a laundry list of things to do before I am able to make a successful escape attempt. Item number one - Operation: Heavy Breathing. This is my plan to make sure my lungs are fully grown before I bust out. After all, I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side, so I must assume the worst. Guard dogs, machine gun turrets, Jehovah's Witnesses - I must outrun them all! Luckily my mom and dad have good runner genes so I should be able to get away. My lungs are all but complete now, like the Death Star in the first Star Wars movie. But unlike that monstrosity there are no weaknesses on my surface to exploit. I have no weaknesses. Try to find one at your own peril!
Next on the list, vision. All of that running won't do me any good if I can't see what I'm running FROM. This needs a little more work than the lungs, but it IS getting better. Gone are the days of recognizing spots of light and dark. I've evolved to the point that I can tell the difference between day and night! No more wondering when I should set the DVR for the next football game - I'm pretty much dialed in to when things happen now. With this knowledge I can now plan the perfect TIME in which to escape. Did you hear that Placenta? We strike at dawn.
Placenta? Placenta! Curse you, you dimwitted glob! I don't know WHY I teamed up with you in here. You are one of the most useless compatriots I've ever had the displeasure of sharing a cell with. No more! After our prison break, you're on your own. I'll head out first to make sure the coast is clear, then you follow me after that. And don't try to hold me back! I know you can't run as fast as I can, and I'm not about to get thrown back IN there after working so hard on this plan. If you get caught little man, God help you.
Item number 3 on the list - stabilize my environment. I've found a way to keep a consistent level of amniotic fluid in here. While I won't give away the FULL measure of my plans I WILL say that bubble gum has many uses. Its great stuff, it just seems to plug any leak you can find. So from here on out, I'll have this same amount of fluid to float around in. Not that I do much floating, mind you. I'm more or less WEDGED into position now. I've already had my position given away by the doctor at our last visit to the hospital. She pinpointed my EXACT location to my warden mom and dad, even going so far as to show them where my head was. That evil woman almost blew my cover! Way to go lady. Like its not hard enough being inconspicuous when I'm sticking out of my mom's tummy like the biggest sore thumb ever?!
Moving down the list, I now find myself at a step that even I have a hard time believing. I'm getting even SMARTER?!!! How the devil did this happen? Its true though, and the more my brain grows the more my HEAD grows. This past week my head has grown by about 3/8"! Good thing the bones in my skull are really pliable. Can you imagine trying to sneak outta THAT escape tunnel with a head this size? Good lord, it'd be like trying to bowl through a coffee straw. Not that my head is bowling ball size or anything but lets face it - I'm doomed to have a massive noggin. Just look at my dad. His head is so big, smaller heads are in orbit around him!
Next up - Operation: Greased Pig. This means I've gotta work on the coating of vernix that's all over my body. The more of it there is, the easier I'll just slide through on the way to freedom. In contrast I've now lost all of that lanugo that used to cover me from head to toe. I won't miss it either - who needs a fur coat in here? Last time I checked the thermostat it was what, 96 degrees? Holy cow, its 98.6! I don't need a fur coat Mother Nature, I need a pair of shorts and a big floppy hat!
Number 6 on the Escape Prep List is my favorite. Why? Because it refers to FOOD. Right now I'm stashing away a cache of glycogen in my liver. I'll continue to hoard more and more of this stuff until the Day of the Great Escape. I'll need all of that stored energy to wriggle free, run to safety, and maybe buy a ticket to Vegas. Okay, scratch the ticket - I don't have enough saved up just yet, but everything else is a must-do! Although most of it is being saved, I'm using a LITTLE bit to swing my perfectly-proportioned arms and legs around now in my training. I've got my stride down-pat, and I've learned to pump my arms in time with my legs too. The Warden thinks I'm just "kicking her ribs", so she hasn't gotten wise to my plan just yet. That's right woman, you keep believing that.
"Kicking", she says. And I'M the one that's the child. HA!
Lastly I must brace myself for the germ-laden world that awaits me. In a cunning move, I've tapped into the Warden's own immune system and claimed it as my own. While mine gets stronger, I draw from HERS as well. By the time I get outta here mine will be able to fend off a good bit of germs and bacteria. Oh, and while I'm at it I decided to start stealing calcium from mom as well. Whether she takes in a lot or a little, I get everything I need by stealing it from her. I'll even go so far as to leech it from her very own bones! I need it finish up with my skeletal hardening, and if she didn't want me to steal from her then she should've built a bigger wall. You can't keep me away, woman! I'll take what I want!
So that's it - my to-do list. My pre-flight check. Call it whatever you will. Now that I've completed everything on there, my escape could come at any day. I'm just getting ready to.....what? What the devil is this? Someone posted an addendum to my list? Who in the world could've....Placenta!!!!! How could you DO this? I'm sitting here ready to escape and now you've given me extra things to do before I bust out of here? What kind of partner ARE you? You do NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING - for 33 weeks and then all of a sudden you post an addendum?! You'll pay for this Placenta. Oh yes. You will pay.
Okay stalkers, its time to wrap this thing up so I can go give Placenta a piece of my mind. I almost forgot to mention my height and weight this week too! I'm at about 4.5 pounds and 17.5" tall this week. Daddy says that's the size of your average adult duck. DUCK???? Seriously old man? This is the BEST comparison you could come up with? You went from comparing me to food to comparing me to a water fowl? When do the embarassing comparisons end? When I reach adulthood are you going to say, "Hey look, you're the same size as that homeless guy over there."? What the devil does that accomplish? You're a strange one, old man. My patience for you is running short.
Now before I go, I just want to make a quick announcement. This is the LAST day that we'll be doing a baby name of the week poll......as YOU know it. As of next week, we're going to start a new system that will boggle your mind. You'll be asked to contribute more than ever before, you'll be more involved in my life than ever before, and in the end you (yes YOU) may very well end up picking the very name that I will be saddled with for the rest of my days! So get excited, because its going to be a lot of fun!
And with that - the baby name of the week poll. First name is "Gavin Lawson Joiner", and the second (not to mention LAST) name up for voting, "Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr". Hey, why not? We had enough people suggest it to make it an actual voting option, so I figured we should squeeze it in here before the last day. So that's it Baby Fans! The last names in the poll. No more NEW names will be submitted from this point on. So what are we doing NEXT week you ask? "Heh heh heh", I reply. Wait and see!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
The plan is coming together quite nicely. I've left nothing to chance in this scheme to free myself from these fleshy confinements. I've drawn a map of the escape route and printed it out to keep in my back pocket until the day arrives when I......Wait a minute. No back pockets?!!!!! Where am I supposed to keep things? Well, I suppose I could just tape it to my wall in here and hope it doesn't fall down. Hang on a second. I need to go pilfer some office supplies from mommy's desk.
****BABY INTERMISSION - THIS MEANS A BREAK FOR ME, NOT A BRIEF PAUSE****
Okay I'm back now, and the map has been secured. What's that? How did I manage to get something in here that was way out there? Well I'll spare you the details, but let me just say that this umbilical cord has MANY uses. If I keep this up I'll be a rodeo champion by the age of 4 with these lasso skills. The only question now is how to get the tape dispenser back on her desk without anyone being suspicious. Fire alarm maybe? Ah, no matter. I'll get it back there somehow. And don't you readers start feeling any sort of sympathy for my warden mother. It could've been worse, I could've gone for the stapler and staple remover instead of the tape!
Alongside my map I've also taped up a laundry list of things to do before I am able to make a successful escape attempt. Item number one - Operation: Heavy Breathing. This is my plan to make sure my lungs are fully grown before I bust out. After all, I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side, so I must assume the worst. Guard dogs, machine gun turrets, Jehovah's Witnesses - I must outrun them all! Luckily my mom and dad have good runner genes so I should be able to get away. My lungs are all but complete now, like the Death Star in the first Star Wars movie. But unlike that monstrosity there are no weaknesses on my surface to exploit. I have no weaknesses. Try to find one at your own peril!
Next on the list, vision. All of that running won't do me any good if I can't see what I'm running FROM. This needs a little more work than the lungs, but it IS getting better. Gone are the days of recognizing spots of light and dark. I've evolved to the point that I can tell the difference between day and night! No more wondering when I should set the DVR for the next football game - I'm pretty much dialed in to when things happen now. With this knowledge I can now plan the perfect TIME in which to escape. Did you hear that Placenta? We strike at dawn.
Placenta? Placenta! Curse you, you dimwitted glob! I don't know WHY I teamed up with you in here. You are one of the most useless compatriots I've ever had the displeasure of sharing a cell with. No more! After our prison break, you're on your own. I'll head out first to make sure the coast is clear, then you follow me after that. And don't try to hold me back! I know you can't run as fast as I can, and I'm not about to get thrown back IN there after working so hard on this plan. If you get caught little man, God help you.
Item number 3 on the list - stabilize my environment. I've found a way to keep a consistent level of amniotic fluid in here. While I won't give away the FULL measure of my plans I WILL say that bubble gum has many uses. Its great stuff, it just seems to plug any leak you can find. So from here on out, I'll have this same amount of fluid to float around in. Not that I do much floating, mind you. I'm more or less WEDGED into position now. I've already had my position given away by the doctor at our last visit to the hospital. She pinpointed my EXACT location to my warden mom and dad, even going so far as to show them where my head was. That evil woman almost blew my cover! Way to go lady. Like its not hard enough being inconspicuous when I'm sticking out of my mom's tummy like the biggest sore thumb ever?!
Moving down the list, I now find myself at a step that even I have a hard time believing. I'm getting even SMARTER?!!! How the devil did this happen? Its true though, and the more my brain grows the more my HEAD grows. This past week my head has grown by about 3/8"! Good thing the bones in my skull are really pliable. Can you imagine trying to sneak outta THAT escape tunnel with a head this size? Good lord, it'd be like trying to bowl through a coffee straw. Not that my head is bowling ball size or anything but lets face it - I'm doomed to have a massive noggin. Just look at my dad. His head is so big, smaller heads are in orbit around him!
Next up - Operation: Greased Pig. This means I've gotta work on the coating of vernix that's all over my body. The more of it there is, the easier I'll just slide through on the way to freedom. In contrast I've now lost all of that lanugo that used to cover me from head to toe. I won't miss it either - who needs a fur coat in here? Last time I checked the thermostat it was what, 96 degrees? Holy cow, its 98.6! I don't need a fur coat Mother Nature, I need a pair of shorts and a big floppy hat!
Number 6 on the Escape Prep List is my favorite. Why? Because it refers to FOOD. Right now I'm stashing away a cache of glycogen in my liver. I'll continue to hoard more and more of this stuff until the Day of the Great Escape. I'll need all of that stored energy to wriggle free, run to safety, and maybe buy a ticket to Vegas. Okay, scratch the ticket - I don't have enough saved up just yet, but everything else is a must-do! Although most of it is being saved, I'm using a LITTLE bit to swing my perfectly-proportioned arms and legs around now in my training. I've got my stride down-pat, and I've learned to pump my arms in time with my legs too. The Warden thinks I'm just "kicking her ribs", so she hasn't gotten wise to my plan just yet. That's right woman, you keep believing that.
"Kicking", she says. And I'M the one that's the child. HA!
Lastly I must brace myself for the germ-laden world that awaits me. In a cunning move, I've tapped into the Warden's own immune system and claimed it as my own. While mine gets stronger, I draw from HERS as well. By the time I get outta here mine will be able to fend off a good bit of germs and bacteria. Oh, and while I'm at it I decided to start stealing calcium from mom as well. Whether she takes in a lot or a little, I get everything I need by stealing it from her. I'll even go so far as to leech it from her very own bones! I need it finish up with my skeletal hardening, and if she didn't want me to steal from her then she should've built a bigger wall. You can't keep me away, woman! I'll take what I want!
So that's it - my to-do list. My pre-flight check. Call it whatever you will. Now that I've completed everything on there, my escape could come at any day. I'm just getting ready to.....what? What the devil is this? Someone posted an addendum to my list? Who in the world could've....Placenta!!!!! How could you DO this? I'm sitting here ready to escape and now you've given me extra things to do before I bust out of here? What kind of partner ARE you? You do NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING - for 33 weeks and then all of a sudden you post an addendum?! You'll pay for this Placenta. Oh yes. You will pay.
Okay stalkers, its time to wrap this thing up so I can go give Placenta a piece of my mind. I almost forgot to mention my height and weight this week too! I'm at about 4.5 pounds and 17.5" tall this week. Daddy says that's the size of your average adult duck. DUCK???? Seriously old man? This is the BEST comparison you could come up with? You went from comparing me to food to comparing me to a water fowl? When do the embarassing comparisons end? When I reach adulthood are you going to say, "Hey look, you're the same size as that homeless guy over there."? What the devil does that accomplish? You're a strange one, old man. My patience for you is running short.
Now before I go, I just want to make a quick announcement. This is the LAST day that we'll be doing a baby name of the week poll......as YOU know it. As of next week, we're going to start a new system that will boggle your mind. You'll be asked to contribute more than ever before, you'll be more involved in my life than ever before, and in the end you (yes YOU) may very well end up picking the very name that I will be saddled with for the rest of my days! So get excited, because its going to be a lot of fun!
And with that - the baby name of the week poll. First name is "Gavin Lawson Joiner", and the second (not to mention LAST) name up for voting, "Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr". Hey, why not? We had enough people suggest it to make it an actual voting option, so I figured we should squeeze it in here before the last day. So that's it Baby Fans! The last names in the poll. No more NEW names will be submitted from this point on. So what are we doing NEXT week you ask? "Heh heh heh", I reply. Wait and see!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, November 6, 2009
Week 32 - Time to Settle Down
Yeah, I know I'm starting to sound old like daddy when I say that, but its time to settle down a bit. By settling down, I don't mean I'm getting married. After all my life is just starting, not ending! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Oops. I don't think mommy liked that joke. Okay, moving on.....
Back to my heading - I'm settling down. That doesn't mean marriage and it doesn't mean I'm getting old and slow like daddy. I'm MINUS 8 weeks old for goodness sakes! You can't get much younger than that! What I mean by settling down is my position in here. Its time to finalize my little baby rotation and point due south. I'm more or less pointing that way already but now I'll kinda lock into place. I'll still kick mommy in the ribs (much to her dismay) and I'll still roll around a little, but for the most part I'm settled down. Now I'm like a baby fighter jet, getting ready to be launched off the desk of an aircraft carrier! Not to say mommy is the size of an aircraft carrier or anything. I just.......
Oh wow. I don't think mommy's going to like the blog this week. I seem to be saying all the wrong things this week. That's okay though, I'll just blame it on daddy and she'll take out her frustration on him instead. I'm not even born yet, and I've already learned the subtle art of passing the blame to someone else. That's me, BabyBoy Joiner, WAY ahead of the curve!
From here on out, I'm putting everything on cruise control. Pretty much everything on me is fully developed, so I just sit around for weeks putting on weight. Ordering pizza, watching lots of tv, sneaking some leftover halloween candy - I gain weight whichever way I can. This week is pretty much the most mobile that I will be until I escape. I'll still move, but its with less intensity and frequency. You can't blame me for conserving energy though. Its a long path to baby liberation, and I'll need all my energy to push, kick, and squirm my way out of here! And then whatever excess energy I have will be relegated to my vocal cords as I scream in the name of freedom. Kinda like that movie Braveheart, but without the messy disembowelment at the end.
I'm also sleeping about 90-95% of the time now. To be quite honest there's really no point to staying awake for very long when you're living in a room that's just a tiny bit better than you are. Don't know what its like? Try this little experiment - go find a cardboard appliance box (fridge, washer/dryer, etc, etc) and crawl inside. Now sit there and wait for another 8 weeks and don't move much. Kinda stinks doesn't it? Yeah, you'd sleep too if you were looking at the EXACT same scenery since April! Not only that, but you couldn't get much exercise in, so you'd probably plump up a little, just like me. So don't judge me!! I may be a little portly when I escape this gooey fleshy prison, but once I'm out I'll be hitting the treadmill. I just need help reaching the buttons. They're a little too high for me.
Weight gain is indeed the name of the game. I'm up to about 4 pounds now, and about 17" tall. And if that isn't cool enough, I'll double my body weight in the next 8 weeks! Yeah, how about that? That should put me right on my target weight of 8-10 pounds. Already I've seen most of my little wrinkles disappear because of the weight gain. I'm developed enough now that I'd have a 90% chance of survival if I escaped right here and now, so my little body is pretty much ready to go!
If you could see into my little inner workings, you'd see that my lungs are nearly mature now. My digestive tract is almost fully developed also, so I'm ready for mommy to "tap a keg" and let me start eating asap! My own immune system is getting stronger with each week that passes. I'm relying less on my mom's defenses and more on my own. That being said, I'm glad she's keeping me safe from all of those outside germs. Speaking of germs, daddy got better and then had a little cold relapse, so he's still quarantined away from the rest of us. No worries, he doesn't have a fever or anything so he'll be fine. Besides, you know my dad. Its not like he has to be right NEXT to mom's belly for me to hear him. For God's sake, you can hear that man from SPACE.
You know the tagline for the first "Alien" movie? "In space, no one can hear you scream." Those people obviously never sat next to my dad at a football game. True story - did you know that one year at UF graduation, my dad sat in the very top row at the O-Dome and yelled for a friend of his who was graduating? Yeah, the guy said he heard my dad, and that his voice was actually drowning out all of the applause and other noise. What can I say? The man's got a big mouth. Big news flash, huh?
So what am I up to in these last couple weeks? Dude, I already told you - I'm up to 17 inches! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, uh, sorry. I guess my sense of humor hasn't really matured along with the rest of me. Hey, I take my entertainment when I can get it. That's pretty apparent when you look at a list of my daily activities. They include:
Blinking
Looking around
Grabbing things
Doing the Gator Chomp
Making faces
Practicing breathing
Peeing
Listening to daddy rant and rave
Practicing rooting
Yeah, rooting. And I don't mean, "Come on Gators, get up and go!" I mean the rooting that'll get some food in my tummy. I've learned the technique of rolling my head around to find the ol' baby food tap. Now that I have that on the list of things to practice, I'll be able to eat without anybody prompting me to do it, or putting in a dang IV or something.
Did I mention that I can tell that its fall outside? Yeah, and it has nothing to do with NOT hearing daddy complain about "the damn heat". I'm actually sensitive to temperature now. If I get too hot or too cold, I get really fussy. Its a good thing its fall in Florida, so its not really too hot OR too cold. Its nice and comfortable outside. And when I'm born and it DOES get cold outside, its definitely not a problem because my Godmomma's Momma (would that be a "Grandgodmamma"?) made me a little matching hat and blanket to wear. Thank you, Godmomma and Grandgodmomma! They're my favorite color too - Gator Blue!
With all of this development going on, I have a lot to be thankful for in here. Nothing strange going on in here, I've got ten fingers and toes and all of that junk. But after all of these weeks, I am disappointed in one thing. My bones. Back in the day I was SURE these things would be at LEAST stainless steel right now, if not tougher. But nope, I've got soft little baby bones. Don't get me wrong, everything is fully formed and good to go, but they're still pliable. And they DEFINITELY aren't unbreakable/bulletproof. This doesn't fit into my plans but I guess its a shortcoming that I'll just have to accept. I'm going to have to grow up with just regular ol' bones.
Its not all bad news though. From what I hear in my womb-to-womb connections with other babies, the bones NEED to be a little soft and have a little give to them for my Great Escape. That escape hatch and tunnel aren't very big so it looks like I'll have to get squished and twist up to get through there. Its either that or I bust outta this place like an Alien, so there BETTER be enough room! Until then though, I'm just going to sit back in mature, putting finishing touches on this masterpiece of a baby we all know as ME.
Alright, now its time for the names of the week. These two are submitted by my godmomma who decided to give it another try. To be honest, she actually submitted these names LAST week but she made the mistake of passing these names along to my dad. He then proceeded to lose them. Geez. Hey, next time just send them to the source okay? If you make my daddy the middleman, things are going to get lost in the translation. In this case, he LOST THE FREAKIN' NAMES!!!!
But enough of his shortcomings, and on to the names! This week our choices are "Brady Asher Joiner" and "Preston Marley Joiner". What do you think? Go vote and let me know! Oh, and next week will be the LAST time we have a baby name poll. After that comes something much, MUCH better! Its almost time to unveil my new baby name masterpiece, so stay tuned!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Oops. I don't think mommy liked that joke. Okay, moving on.....
Back to my heading - I'm settling down. That doesn't mean marriage and it doesn't mean I'm getting old and slow like daddy. I'm MINUS 8 weeks old for goodness sakes! You can't get much younger than that! What I mean by settling down is my position in here. Its time to finalize my little baby rotation and point due south. I'm more or less pointing that way already but now I'll kinda lock into place. I'll still kick mommy in the ribs (much to her dismay) and I'll still roll around a little, but for the most part I'm settled down. Now I'm like a baby fighter jet, getting ready to be launched off the desk of an aircraft carrier! Not to say mommy is the size of an aircraft carrier or anything. I just.......
Oh wow. I don't think mommy's going to like the blog this week. I seem to be saying all the wrong things this week. That's okay though, I'll just blame it on daddy and she'll take out her frustration on him instead. I'm not even born yet, and I've already learned the subtle art of passing the blame to someone else. That's me, BabyBoy Joiner, WAY ahead of the curve!
From here on out, I'm putting everything on cruise control. Pretty much everything on me is fully developed, so I just sit around for weeks putting on weight. Ordering pizza, watching lots of tv, sneaking some leftover halloween candy - I gain weight whichever way I can. This week is pretty much the most mobile that I will be until I escape. I'll still move, but its with less intensity and frequency. You can't blame me for conserving energy though. Its a long path to baby liberation, and I'll need all my energy to push, kick, and squirm my way out of here! And then whatever excess energy I have will be relegated to my vocal cords as I scream in the name of freedom. Kinda like that movie Braveheart, but without the messy disembowelment at the end.
I'm also sleeping about 90-95% of the time now. To be quite honest there's really no point to staying awake for very long when you're living in a room that's just a tiny bit better than you are. Don't know what its like? Try this little experiment - go find a cardboard appliance box (fridge, washer/dryer, etc, etc) and crawl inside. Now sit there and wait for another 8 weeks and don't move much. Kinda stinks doesn't it? Yeah, you'd sleep too if you were looking at the EXACT same scenery since April! Not only that, but you couldn't get much exercise in, so you'd probably plump up a little, just like me. So don't judge me!! I may be a little portly when I escape this gooey fleshy prison, but once I'm out I'll be hitting the treadmill. I just need help reaching the buttons. They're a little too high for me.
Weight gain is indeed the name of the game. I'm up to about 4 pounds now, and about 17" tall. And if that isn't cool enough, I'll double my body weight in the next 8 weeks! Yeah, how about that? That should put me right on my target weight of 8-10 pounds. Already I've seen most of my little wrinkles disappear because of the weight gain. I'm developed enough now that I'd have a 90% chance of survival if I escaped right here and now, so my little body is pretty much ready to go!
If you could see into my little inner workings, you'd see that my lungs are nearly mature now. My digestive tract is almost fully developed also, so I'm ready for mommy to "tap a keg" and let me start eating asap! My own immune system is getting stronger with each week that passes. I'm relying less on my mom's defenses and more on my own. That being said, I'm glad she's keeping me safe from all of those outside germs. Speaking of germs, daddy got better and then had a little cold relapse, so he's still quarantined away from the rest of us. No worries, he doesn't have a fever or anything so he'll be fine. Besides, you know my dad. Its not like he has to be right NEXT to mom's belly for me to hear him. For God's sake, you can hear that man from SPACE.
You know the tagline for the first "Alien" movie? "In space, no one can hear you scream." Those people obviously never sat next to my dad at a football game. True story - did you know that one year at UF graduation, my dad sat in the very top row at the O-Dome and yelled for a friend of his who was graduating? Yeah, the guy said he heard my dad, and that his voice was actually drowning out all of the applause and other noise. What can I say? The man's got a big mouth. Big news flash, huh?
So what am I up to in these last couple weeks? Dude, I already told you - I'm up to 17 inches! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, uh, sorry. I guess my sense of humor hasn't really matured along with the rest of me. Hey, I take my entertainment when I can get it. That's pretty apparent when you look at a list of my daily activities. They include:
Blinking
Looking around
Grabbing things
Doing the Gator Chomp
Making faces
Practicing breathing
Peeing
Listening to daddy rant and rave
Practicing rooting
Yeah, rooting. And I don't mean, "Come on Gators, get up and go!" I mean the rooting that'll get some food in my tummy. I've learned the technique of rolling my head around to find the ol' baby food tap. Now that I have that on the list of things to practice, I'll be able to eat without anybody prompting me to do it, or putting in a dang IV or something.
Did I mention that I can tell that its fall outside? Yeah, and it has nothing to do with NOT hearing daddy complain about "the damn heat". I'm actually sensitive to temperature now. If I get too hot or too cold, I get really fussy. Its a good thing its fall in Florida, so its not really too hot OR too cold. Its nice and comfortable outside. And when I'm born and it DOES get cold outside, its definitely not a problem because my Godmomma's Momma (would that be a "Grandgodmamma"?) made me a little matching hat and blanket to wear. Thank you, Godmomma and Grandgodmomma! They're my favorite color too - Gator Blue!
With all of this development going on, I have a lot to be thankful for in here. Nothing strange going on in here, I've got ten fingers and toes and all of that junk. But after all of these weeks, I am disappointed in one thing. My bones. Back in the day I was SURE these things would be at LEAST stainless steel right now, if not tougher. But nope, I've got soft little baby bones. Don't get me wrong, everything is fully formed and good to go, but they're still pliable. And they DEFINITELY aren't unbreakable/bulletproof. This doesn't fit into my plans but I guess its a shortcoming that I'll just have to accept. I'm going to have to grow up with just regular ol' bones.
Its not all bad news though. From what I hear in my womb-to-womb connections with other babies, the bones NEED to be a little soft and have a little give to them for my Great Escape. That escape hatch and tunnel aren't very big so it looks like I'll have to get squished and twist up to get through there. Its either that or I bust outta this place like an Alien, so there BETTER be enough room! Until then though, I'm just going to sit back in mature, putting finishing touches on this masterpiece of a baby we all know as ME.
Alright, now its time for the names of the week. These two are submitted by my godmomma who decided to give it another try. To be honest, she actually submitted these names LAST week but she made the mistake of passing these names along to my dad. He then proceeded to lose them. Geez. Hey, next time just send them to the source okay? If you make my daddy the middleman, things are going to get lost in the translation. In this case, he LOST THE FREAKIN' NAMES!!!!
But enough of his shortcomings, and on to the names! This week our choices are "Brady Asher Joiner" and "Preston Marley Joiner". What do you think? Go vote and let me know! Oh, and next week will be the LAST time we have a baby name poll. After that comes something much, MUCH better! Its almost time to unveil my new baby name masterpiece, so stay tuned!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
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