Week 24 - Ho-Ho-Hold on a Second!

Week 24 is here! Baby brother continues to grow but then again so do I! And unlike baby brother, I know exactly what's going on out here. Its almost time for Christmas!!!! Its this really cool time when I get lots of free stuff. The only bad part is that some creepy old dude gets into my house somehow. Sure he brings presents, but at what cost? What horrible horrible cost? The presents seem to be bribery in an effort to cover up his violation of my home.

I'm going to let it slide - THIS YEAR. The only reason I'm giving him a free pass is because  I told him that I wanted a green motorcycle and a truck. If he manages to hold up his end of the bargain then I may let this Ho-Ho-Home-Invasion slide. If not, I'll be on Santa-watch 'cause I know he's watching me for SURE! He actually planted a mole in the house. Oh but we don't CALL him that around here, oh noooooooo. We call him the "Elf on the Shelf", like that makes it okay. This creepy little bugger sits there nice and quiet all day long, and then once I fall asleep he springs into action and goes all over the house. Every morning he's someplace different, and he always stays really high up … like a sniper. I'm telling ya, something isn't right about this little guy. If I could only get high enough to reach him, I'd grab him and force him to tell his secret plan. Until that day little elf, I'm watching you……

In the spirit of the christmas season, my little brother continues to plump up like that jolly old home invader. He has gained another 4 ounces in the past week. Remember when I said that he'd double his weight in the next month? Well I wasn't kidding! A lot of that weight gain is due to organ growth and a little something called "brown fat". Its different from normal fat in that its primary function is as insulation. After all, we don't want him freezing his little tootsies off in there, do we?

His lungs keep growing - and "breathing" that fluid as sort of a lung workout.  His lungs are also starting to put out this goo called "surfactant". Way deep down inside his lungs, the tiny air sacs are producing this stuff. Its purpose - to help the lungs expand and inflate after birth! (If you ever hear of babies who are several months premature being put on ventilators, this is why. You've gotta have a lot of this stuff!)

The more impressive growth area this week though is the brain. He is having a big growth spurt here. Great, better planning for his invasion is sure to come. Time to reinforce that Lego-Wall! I can only hope he doesn't find any of my plans that I accidentally left behind during my escape those many, many years ago. Who knows, maybe the cleaning lady threw them out.

Remember the creepy visual I gave you a few weeks ago of my baby brother? Clear skin (which is now red), colorless eyes, and saggy skin? Well, you can add another pigment-challenged item to his arsenal - white hair! Yep, no pigment there yet so he looks like a fuzzy little old person right now. Personally I think it'd be cool to have an albino baby brother, but something tells me he's getting daddy's skin in which case he'll probably be born with a better tan than mommy. HAHAHA Ah, a little humor at mommy's expense. You just can't beat it.

I have to tease Mommy a little because she's turned baby's waterbed into a baby-pool! She's got a lot more amniotic fluid in there for him to swim around in. I personally like to say that she's trying to flood him out, but I know she's really helping him. Traitor.

Alright, its time to go. I've got a Christmas tree to look at….and presents to inspect. Don't forget to vote on the baby names of the week!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 23 - Steady Growin'!

Hey there everybody! Its the 23rd week of my baby brother's pre-birth life and he is busier than ever. Rather than starting off this week by telling about his latest exploits, I want to start with a more interesting topic - ME!

I'm not trying to brag or anything, but guess who just graduated from his Early Pre-K class this week? No, its not daddy. I don't think he's got what it takes to pass my class. Man he's so addle-minded, I've actually seen him cramming for a blood test. Its me, you fools! Yep, I got my diploma and everything.

Yeah, and thanks for all of the graduation presents. You sense my sarcasm? Its thick enough to make a sandwich.

Okay, I got my weekly bragging out of the way quickly. Now lets get on to my baby bro!  He's a busy little guy this week, which doesn't bode well for me. The first problem I'm having is that I've heard that his dexterity has greatly improved. His hands can work independently now. Why is this a problem? Well, think about it! Two hands, two weapons. Its like he's turning into a little baby ninja or something! Little Man was dangerous before but now he's become downright lethal.

Baby Bro's little lungs are growing lots of blood vessels right now. TONS of blood vessels. If you were to lay them all out end to end…..well…….that would just be gross. Trust me though, it would be a lot. All of that is in preparation of the air that he'll be breathing soon. Right now he's just practicing by breathing in that amniotic fluid. Man that takes me back to my early days. Breathing in that nasty fluid. Hey little guy, do you know you're breathing in pee? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I've got to get my humorous little jabs in while I can. At the rate he's growing, he might be bigger than me when he's born! Well okay, not quite THAT big but he's growing fast. He's just a little over a pound right now, but at the rate he's going his weight will DOUBLE in the next month. Yeah, DOUBLE!!! If you think that's no big deal then I suggest that you try to double your body weight in a month and see what happens. I don't care how many pizzas and twinkles you thrown down, it just isn't going to work. At this point he's going to be gaining more weight than height from week to week.

You know what else he's doing? Reacting to sounds. He kicks, jumps, and punches sometimes when I say the right things. My favorite thing to say? "Hey! Freeloader! Get out of my old apartment!" That really ticks him off.

Alright folks, that's about it for now. I've got a date with a bubble bath and some tub toys so I'll catch ya later. Don't forget to vote on the names of the week!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 22 - The Big 1!

Hello everyone! According to mommy's baby calendar this is week 22! We're getting closer every day to the big showdown.

This week marks a big milestone in my baby brother's life as he is now 1 foot tall and weighs 1 pound. He's now an official member of the "1 Club". 

Joining this club is a great thing because it takes away any of the guilt that I may have felt going to battle against someone whose weight was measured in ounces. Now that we've hit this milestone, its GAME ON!

My little bro is a crafty one though. His latest weapon of war is psychological warfare. He has seemingly mastered this art in a short period of time, because what he has done makes my skin crawl. What has he done, you ask? Read on….

Baby Bro has finished forming his eyes. Sounds harmless, right? Well sure to YOU it does, but he took it a step further. He decided to drag his feet on actually adding any PIGMENT to his eyes, so now he's got these strange looking, colorless eyes staring deep into my soul. Man that's creepy! But wait, it gets worse!

His skin is creeping me out as well. Its red now (remember that from last week?), but its also super wrinkly. It looks like he ordered a babysuit, but he got one a few sizes too big. I understand why his body is doing this - its making room for him to grow in the coming weeks - but come on man, that's gotta be intentional. Pale, colorless eyes? Red, wrinkly skin hanging off of his little bones? He's playing headgames with me. There's just no other explanation.

And of course the weapons don't stop there. His fingernails are fully formed now, so I fully expect a furious clawing attack on day 1. He has also worked to stabilize himself and has developed his inner ear. This results in a better sense of balance, and as a result he's become a LOT more active. Don't take my word for it though, just ask my mom! He rolls around and punches quite a bit now, and most of the times his favorite target is her bladder. I've gotta tell ya - she can run pretty fast for someone that's been growing a baby for 22 weeks now! Heheheheh, its quite the sight.

Then we have a development that I'm not sure about. I just found out that my baby brother has a functional pancreas now, and its producing "hormones". Now call me goofy, but I really had no idea what hormones  were. I couldn't ask my mom, for fear that the baby would hear the exchange and exploit this weakness, so my only other choice for info? My dad.

I know, I know. Dry your tears.

I go to him looking to tap into his fatherly wisdom (I could barely type that without laughing), and he's just about useless. He said that hormones "are what makes mommy crazy".

So is daddy a hormone? HA! My keen toddler wit strikes again.

Without any help from the old man, I have no choice but to assume that these things are some sort of biological weapon. The fact that my baby brother has become a factory for biological weaponry is a little intimidating. I'll have to consult the internet for more info on these hormones. After all, everything on there is true, right?

Hmmmm….."a chemical messenger that transports a signal from one cell to another". Biochemical communications? This little bugger is more clever than I thought! Well played, you Fierce Fetus! 

Develop all of the tricks you want - victory will be mine! I cannot be stopped! I am invinci……oops. Potty time! See you guys later. Don't forget to vote on the names of the week!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 21 - Blackjack Week

Hello everybody! Its week 21 of my baby brother's pre-birth life, or as my daddy likes to call it….Blackjack Week! Yes, he actually thinks its funny to throw a gambling reference into gauging the milestone of my little brother's growth.

As previously stated, my dad's an idiot. What's next, comparing 30 weeks to a keg stand? Maybe we'll name week 35 "Meth Week". Or maybe week 38 will become "Go Play in Traffic Week".

Its been a busy week since I found out that I was having a baby brother. I've had lots of little projects that I've been working on, aside from my preps for our upcoming battle. The most notable project so far is the organization of my old baby clothes and swag. I'm willing to be flexible on the clothes. None of that old gear fits me anymore and it just takes up space, so I'm willing to let it go….for a price. Time to pony up some money little man!

Things are going to get a little dicey when it comes to toys though. I know that my parents are big on "sharing", but come on man! That's my playset! My piano! My stuffed doggie! Mine mine mine!!!! And quit saying I'm "in the mine stage"! Its not a stage! The world is MINE! 

Alright, I'm calm now. Look, I'll THINK about sharing most of my baby stuff but there's no WAY he gets near my Legos. This Lego Ban also extends to Mega Blocks, my wooden Garanimals blocks, and any other similar creations that I haven't been made hip to yet.

But enough about my baby gear, lets move on. Baby brother has been getting more and more REM sleep - WAY more than daddy, I might add. I swear, that guy is like a zombie sometimes. I'm pretty sure he's not "Walking Dead" type of zombie, but just in case he IS…….well, let's just say I'm pretty handy with a crossbow.

Anyways, baby brother is dreaming more as a result of this deep sleep. I can only assume that he's dreaming up ways to challenge me, so I plan on responding in kind. Fortunately for me I have years of experience under my belt which should give me an edge. Well, that and my massive "guns".

Baby Bro is also working on his own version of stealth technology. His transparent skin is now turning pinkish red, which I can only assume is to mimic his surroundings in an attempt to camouflage himself. I mean seriously, why else would he turn pinkish red? That makes no sense!

Oh yeah. Increased bloodflow, getting to the skin…..beginnings of fatty tissue…..okay fine that could be a cause but I'm SURE he's doing that on purpose! Bottom line - he's using camo as far as I'm concerned. But that's okay because I've got some of my own! Check out my bad-to-the-bone camo shorts!

And as far as the growth chart is concerned, he keeps shooting right up there. He's up to 11 inches tall. Yes, no more "crown to rump" crap. It looks like the doctors finally abandoned that crap and started measuring "the total package". He's also packing on the pounds. Well, pound. Okay, not quite a pound yet - more like 3/4lb - but danger he's getting up there FAST!

There's one last development that I've been made aware of - his digestive system is up and running. Yep, he's processing his own nutrients right now on a limited basis. And let me tell you, he's going to NEED a strong digestive system to help choke down some of the name suggestions that have been floating around! I'll whittle down the list to be the best two so far.

Mom has suggested "Lucas Michael Joiner" and dad has suggested "Johnathan Robert Joiner". Lets take it to the people and see what you guys think! Just click on the poll on the right side of the screen. One or the other, or NEITHER if they stink.

Alright folks, gotta run. There's a potty with my name on it. Well no literally, but with a little more practice maybe I could write my name on it…..

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother