Week 33 - Ready to Go!

Week 33 is here, can you believe it? Pretty soon I'll have that official title of "Big Brother". I guess that means I'll have to throw out all of my old business cards and get some new ones made. So much to do, so little time.

As much as I've gotta get done before Baby Brother arrives, HE'S got even more to do. After all, its not like this is a "mommy only" event. Little Brother has to put in some work as well. Trust me, I speak from experience here. The first thing he's going to do is add a coating of vernix all over himself. No idea what vernix is? That's okay, you're not the first one that I've had to explain it to. Its a waxy coating that will lube him up so he'll slide right out and into the world. Cool huh? 

He's also storing large amounts of glycogen in anticipation of the big day. Much like one of daddy's big races, Baby Brother will need a lot of energy but unlike daddy he can't just throw down on some pasta or other stuff a few days before his escape. Number one, there's no pasta delivery in there. Second, nobody supplies him with utensils even if he DID have pasta. Instead, he'll slowly but surely stash away glycogen from what mommy gives him. He'll burn up a little bit of that as he prepares for birth by doing a pre-birth workout routine. This involves Baby Brother moving his arms and legs around so he can help wiggle his way out.  See? He's doing his part. 

The amount of amniotic fluid has stabilized as well, so we're as close to ready as we can get! Back in the day he pretty much had an olympic sized swimming pool but now its more like a bathtub. A small bathtub. And its half full. And worst of all, there are no tub toys to play with. This is a tough time with little play.

Some other fun facts - Baby Brother is one smart little guy! His head and brain are both growing like crazy right now. Sorry to tell you that mommy, but his head is going to be one major speedbump! In the past week alone, his head has grown by 3/8"! That's a whole lotta noggin right there. The good news is that he will be able to wear some of my hats when he gets out. Heck at THIS rate he might be able to wear daddy's! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Other than that, the pre-escape preps are all but done for Baby Brother. One cool thing to note about this week is that his sight is getting better every day. That's great news by itself, but then there's another cool part of that. Because of his ever-growing little brain, he's starting to actually understand what is going on. He can actually tell the difference between daytime and nighttime now! Don't get me wrong, its not like his day revolves around the rising and setting of the sun. As I've mentioned before, he spends most of his day resting up now,  After all, he's got a lot of work ahead of him.

Oh, and lets not forget about the weekly measurements! Right now Baby Brother is around 4.5lbs and 17.5" tall. I don't know if you've noticed, but he's really starting to pack on the pounds now! Then again, if all you did was eat and sleep you'd probably gain a lot more than a half pound in a week. Heck, daddy gains more than that in a fast food drive thru! At this pace he'll weigh just about as much as I did. Yep, little brother is already copying me. It figures. Who WOULDN'T want to copy greatness?

Alright folks, that's enough for now. Its time for a snack break. What, you thought I was going to say potty break? Sorry, but I'm not as predictable as my daddy. Nope, its time for a good ol' cheese sandwich and a big glass of milk. That'll hit the spot.

And THEN I'll potty. There, you satisfied? Don't forget to vote on the baby names of the week! 

Until next time,

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 32 - Moving Soon...

Hey there everybody! Welcome to week 32. Or as I call it, "three and two". Don't judge me - that's a big number. And big numbers at THIS point means that my little brother is getting close to making his grand entrance. Time to start "talkin' baby"!

At this point everything is just about done developing on the little guy. I heard from the doctor that his lungs are "nearly mature", which I can only imagine that means that his lungs are telling some off-color jokes and displaying somewhat poor manners. Hey wait a second, why didn't they just say his lungs are "like daddy"? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Sorry, I crack myself up sometimes) A few other systems are "like daddy" at this point too. His digestive tract is almost fully developed and his immune system is getting stronger by the day. He doesn't have to rely on mommy's immune system as much, but that's something that will continue to strengthen after he's born.

And speaking of birth, he's doing the "baby compass" move right now. He's finalizing his baby rotation and is now pointing "due south". Don't get me wrong, he may flip around every once in a while but he always settles back into that head-down orientation just waiting for his cue! This also helps him get a little more legroom in there. After all, you can only push mommy so far SIDEWAYS, but when he points south he's got more legroom AND more things to kick. Ribs, diaphragm, bladder, you name it! Sadly, that's as mobile as he will be until he is born. Its all downhill from here as far as legroom. That's okay though because with all of this growth, he ends up sleeping most of the time anyways.  And yes, his bones are still nice and pliable, that's a big deal. He'll need to be flexible like Gumby and Stretch Armstrong combined!

Oh yeah, I forgot to give you some numbers didn't I? Right now baby brother is about 17" tall and weighs in at about 4lbs.  Between now and the time he's born, his weight should DOUBLE! That's pretty damn impressive. Try doubling YOUR body weight in 8 weeks. Even with an I.V. from Five Guys you couldn't get that done! And the funny part is that with all of this weight gain, he's not looking so wrinkly anymore. Or as I call it "link-a-lee". (I like the way I say it better) All of those extra pounds are filling his body out, so he looks less like a raisin.

At this point, he could be born and have a 90% chance of survival. Naturally we all know that as tough as he is, its more like 100% but we will go with what the "experts" say on this one. I say he's tough because he punches and kicks mommy ALL the time. I don't even think that I hit her this much, and I was practically giving her the Ike Turner treatment in there so that's saying something. 

I'll admit, he's got my attention now. Somebody that is THIS active is going to be a hard one to handle. Then again, nobody said being a big brother was easy! Actually I think daddy might have said that but what does he know? Uncle Donny was the big brother! Maybe I should ask him how hard it is. I'm just assuming that I get to order him around and stuff, so what could possibly go wrong with that?

I've gotta get a list of stuff together for him to do for me. Let's see - he can pick up my toys, make me some mac 'n cheese, do my homework, distract daddy so I can get into some shenanigans, etc. I know it may seem a tad bit self-serving, but my list is WAY more interesting than the stuff he does on a daily basis. Right now all he does is hang out, look around the room, grab different things (and really how many different things are there to grab?), making faces, practicing breathing, peeing, and rooting. For the uninitiated, rooting is what you call it when little guys are looking for food from mommy. Baby Brother is practicing rolling his head around so that he can find the chow line once he's born. I mean, if he's lucky I might sneak a cheese sandwich to him when mommy isn't looking but he'll REALLY owe me for that!

Okay, the potty is calling. Don't forget to vote on the baby names of the week! Seeya next time.

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 31 - A Monster Week!

Hello everyone! Its been a busy week in my world. Before you get ANY baby brother news from me, you're about to hear about my crazy weekend.

First of all, daddy picked me up from school but he didn't take me straight home. Instead he drove around to a strange area that I've never seen before. We finally stopped in a parking lot, and what did I see?

A monster truck!!!!! Man this thing was cool. I even let the driver take a picture with me.

As we were leaving, daddy asked it I liked the monster truck. Yeah, duh. Is that REALLY a question??? I'm a 3 year old Joiner boy that likes destruction - of COURSE I liked the monster truck! Then he promised that we would see them drive around tomorrow. Sure enough, we rolled into Raymond James Stadium the next day for some monster truck fun! Daddy sprung for club seats, dinner, and some monster truck goodies. And then the show started.

Oh sweet destruction, how I've missed you! Trucks were rolling over, wheels were flying off, it was serious fun! I also had my first taste of some stuff called "cotton candy". It looks like funny colored hair, but man did it taste good! And no, it didn't make me hyper. I'm like my daddy - sugar doesn't faze me!

So that's a cool enough weekend with that alone, but wait there's more! The NEXT day, I got a peek at my baby brother! We went to a place that had a big screen tv, and my baby brother was on! So, I saw him in 3D, and he must have known I was watching because he was covering his face at first. That's okay, you can't hide forever little man! After a few minutes he fell asleep, and his arm moved out of the way. Then we were face to face. Okay I admit it, he's a handsome little guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm WAY cuter, but he'll be okay in the looks department.

So what was he up to? Oh, about 3.5lbs and 16+ inches tall! HAHAHAHAHAHA Get it, what's he "up to"? Ah man, that's comedy gold. That big boost in size is making things a little tight in there. He's getting into the fetal position now out of necessity more than anything. There's more room in there, but not much! He is floating around in there head-down, ready to go! Don't worry, that doesn't mean he's making an early entrance. More often than not, babies end up head down in there just because that's the heaviest part of them.

What else, you ask? His immune system and respiratory systems are improving. He's becoming more self-sufficient as he grows. After all, he won't be able to sponge off of mommy for much longer! His rapidly developing brain has matured to the point that he can process information from all 5 senses now. And while his skeleton is fully formed, his skull is still soft. That is by design, can you believe it? It makes a lot of sense actually, because once he busts outta there he will have a lot of squeezing ahead of him. Its better for everyone involved to let everything be a little more flexible. That's the reason that babies have a "soft spot" for the first year or so after they're born. All of the bones that make up the skull still have to grow and fuse together, and that big junction in the back takes a while to close up.

He's in a regular eat-sleep-pee routine now. Some people would think that eating, sleeping, and peeing in the same location is a gross thing, and I like to call these people…..NOT GUYS. Come on, have you SEEN my dad? If he could do all three things in the same room, he'd call that heaven! You can't really argue with the convenience factor either.

The one major change this week is that baby brother has had a change in his skin color. He has gone from a dark red to a pinkish color. As he packs on the pounds, that dilutes that blood red color. The only question that remains there is - will he have mommy's white skin, or daddy's tan? Only time will tell.

Alright folks, that's it for now. I've gotta grab a snack, then go potty, then maybe take a nap. If I get lucky, maybe I'll be able to do all three in the same room like my baby brother. Quick, daddy! Pull a mattress into the bathroom!!!

Don't forget to vote on the baby names over to the right side of the baby. Until next time!

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 30 - Truckin'

Hey y'all! Its time for your weekly baby blog update! We're in week 30 already and baby brother is fast approaching. But if you hear a revving engine in the distance, its not the baby. No, its not daddy's stomach either. Its a dream for every little boy on the planet…

MONSTER TRUCKS!!!!

That's right! We're going to watch the monster trucks drive around (and over) stuff. Loud noises, flashing lights, and senseless violence and destruction….what else could a little boy want? I'll be sure to share a report on the show in next week's blog. But until then, I'm going to show my excitement by talking in the monster truck announcer voice! Heck, maybe I could do the rest of the blog in a monster truck show voice! Lets give it a try.

"THIS WEEK ONLY, BABY BROTHER WEIGHS IN AT A STAGGERING, EARTH-SHATTERING 3LBS!!!"

"WATCH IN AWE AS HE GROWS TO A MIND-BOGGLING 16" TALL!!!!"

"WATCH HIM GROW, TONIGHT FROM 3 TO 7!!!!!!! YOU'LL PAY FULL PRICE FOR THE SEAT, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDDDDDDGGGEEE!!!!!"

Okay, I'm not sure how well it translates into the written word, but trust me its funny in person.

As I said before the wrestling match took place, we are up to 3 pounds and 16 inches tall. At this point a lot of the lanugo is being shed. Don't remember Lanugo? Just go back and read the details if you'd like. These fine hairs were needed earlier on for warmth but they are no longer needed. And if you're wondering WHY they're not needed anymore….just LOOK at him! My little brother is adding fat to his frame quicker than Oprah Winfrey at a breakfast buffet in Vegas. All of this fat serves as insulation so now he can shed the fur coat.

"WATCH IN AMAZEMENT AS THE FUR HITS THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!!"

Sorry, the monster truck voice came back. We should probably move on to the next topic before it comes back. Lets talk respiratory and digestive systems! They're both "done", more or less. Breathing won't be a problem now, and he'll be able to actually eat for himself instead of getting lunch from the "chow tube". I'm sorry, but that's just a lame way to get introduced into the Wide World of Food. Oh well, he'll just have a little bit of "bottle time" to go and then he can join me in sharing a basket of fries. 

The rest of the week has to do with things either being smooth or rough. First up, his skin. Up until now, he looked like someone went out and bought a baby suit 3 sizes to big and put it on him. Wrinkles, "loose" skin, etc. was the norm for two reasons. He had to have ROOM to grow, plus he was so tiny that there was nothing there to really "fill out" his body. Now with all of this fat being added to his frame, my little brother is pretty dang soft and smooth to touch. 

And then back from smooth to rough, or should I say "ridgey". His little brain is getting more ridges and folds every day which is an indication of his attempts to rival my own quick wit. To this, I merely chuckle and say "good luck with that"! You actually think you have what it takes to match wits with me kid? HA! When we finally have our first showdown, we'll have to borrow the monster truck announcer guy to do the play by play.

"COME SEE THE KIDDIE CARNAGE!!!!!! IT'S A BATTLE OF THE BROTHERS!!! A FRATERNAL FRACAS!!!!! THE SIBLING SHOWDOWN!!!!!!!"

And last but not least, I have a easy-to-follow cheat sheet that shows how to "read" a pregnant woman's belly. By watching my mom's belly move, I've developed a way to tell what part of baby brother is peeking through. I call it my "bump decoder"!

Hard "spot" = baby's head or butt

Long flat surface = baby's back

Short flat surface = baby's arm and/or leg

Small spots = baby's fists and/or feet

Large lump with strange ticking sound = baby brother found my leftover explosives and is planning to blast his way out.

Alright, that's it for this week. Don't forget to go vote on the baby names of the week over on the right side of the screen. And in the words of the monster truck commercial guy….

"ITS THE COUNTDOWN TO POTTY-GEDDON AS ANDREW BATTLES THE POTTY IN THE BATHROOM OF DOOM!!! ITS ABOUT TO GET….DIRTY!!!!!!!!!!"

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother