I need a vacation from the Celebration! Things are getting really crazy around here, and ol' BabyBoy Joiner needs a break! Now I know what you're thinking - why in the WORLD does a baby need vacation? Vacation from what? And where would I go? What would I do? Lets tackle these questions one at a time.
First for the why - mommy and daddy are driving me CRAZY! Both of them are on vacation this week, which to ME would follow up with the logical assumption of rest and relaxation. I don't know if they're doing this on purpose, but both of them seem to be working even HARDER than a normal week! How in the world is that possible? I thought vacations made you work LESS! At least they're doing all of this week for ME. That makes all of the movin' and shakin' in here a little more tolerable. They're moving boxes and furniture around to make room for me, PLUS daddy painted my room on thursday in preparation for my arrival.
What color? No, not orange and blue (although I've heard there's a LOT of that color around the house already). The official color name is like 4 or 5 words long, but I'll just simplify it and call it lime green. The reasoning for this is they say it goes with my new bedroom set, which is a Winnie the Pooh theme. I'm not sure exactly WHO Winnie the Pooh is yet, but he must be a real tough dude. Daddy thinks Winnie the Pooh is awesome, so I can only imagine he plays football, or blows things up, and that chicks dig him. Hang on, let me check this online.
What the deuce? He's a bear? A freakin' STUFFED BEAR??? With a shirt, beer belly and no pants? How does he not get ARRESTED for walking around like that? Good lord man, this is your idea of COOL? I INSIST you change my room decor IMMEDIATELY. And no more bears, little man. I want LIGHTNING BOLTS AND HAND GRENADES!!!!!
Okay its clearly obvious that I need a vacation. So where would I go, you ask? I admit that my travel options ARE a bit limited in here. I can basically just travel from East Uteria over to West Uteria and see what's going on over there. Then again I COULD travel to Northern edge of Uteria and relax by kicking ribs for a few days. Or I can head to the temperate climate of South Uteria and spend a few days playing "kick the bladder" with my former-nemesis-turned-lackey Placenta! (Always bet on me. I always win "kick the bladder" because Placenta has no legs)
But until I make my big trip to the outside world, I'm stuck in here blogging away. So lets get back to business with our weekly Baby Tale of the Tape. I'm growing like a weed in here. A pudgy little baby-weed! I'm up to 14 inches tall and weigh just a little under 2 pounds. Yeah, I've been beefing up. A man's gotta look good when he makes his big entrance, y'know? The baby fat continues to pile on but don't worry - daddy will have me on the Joiner family treadmill as soon as I bust outta here.
Wait'll you hear this - my ears are developing all sorts of new nerve pathways, which means I can hear better than ever! (That's why I said "wait'll you HEAR this"...get it? Ah nevermind) Daddy has already started reading a few books to me. First it was Dr. Seuss and the Berenstein Bears, but his last selection has me a little concerned. Isn't "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu just a WEE bit accelerated for me? Its too cryptic old man, lets get back to "Hop on Pop" and "The Cat and the Hat"!
Now is also the time for the both of them to update that music playlist and give me some good music to listen to. I'll listen to just about anything, but I prefer classic rock. Shhhhh!!! Don't tell my mom. She thinks I like soft baby-style melodies. I want it to be a surprise when I pop out and can recite the lyrics of the entire AC/DC "Back in Black" album to her. That oughtta freak her out pretty good. The coolest part about these really cool ears I've got is that not only do I HEAR the music, but I also can move to the rhythm too! That means I can sway back and forth, move my head around to the beat, and other tricks like that. Pretty cool huh? Yeah I know. Hey, its me - what ISN'T cool about me right now? Everybody loves a baby!
Well, except for the person that gets stuck changing me. Heh heh heh, I can't wait to drop a few bombs and laugh about it!
I'm continuing to practice my breathing in here now that my nose is opened up. I'm breathing in this liquid pretty easily now, and the GOOD news is that the amniotic fluid now gets replaced about every hour. Alright! Lets hear it for not floating around in my own waste! This accelerated recycling is just in time, because I've now got a fully functioning set of oil and sweat glands. So I guess if I need oil and sweat, I'm all set! (Yeah I made that rhyme on purpose) I also respond to touch better and better every week, although I continue to warn you against touching the belly. You wouldn't want to wake me. I get cranky when I don't get all the sleep I need. Just like daddy.
And now for the BIG news of the week. Want a hint? Guess who can play peek-a-boo right now? That's right - my eyelids finally separated, so I can see now! Let me tell you, this place isn't as impressive as I thought it would be. The walls are pretty much bare, this room is MUCH smaller than it first appeared to be, and Placenta is a hideous looking creature. How hideous? Lets just say he's a DISTANT second place in the "Handsome-Creatures-In-Mommy's-Belly" competition. And now it appears that this umbilical cord actually attaches me to him, like we're on some kind of prenatal chain-gang or something! What did I do to deserve this? I mean other than making mommy nauseous, then growing bigger and bigger, then kicking her incessantly in the ribs, bladder, and stomach....I've been a good boy!
There's not much else to look at in here, although one cool thing about BabyVision is that it allows me to tell the difference between light and dark now. If mommy were sleeping one night, and then all of a sudden my dad wanted to play a mean trick on her and shine a 2 million candlepower spotlight at her, I would TOTALLY get the joke....and then turn away from the light. And don't put it past him, he plays all sorts of wierd games with mommy. His favorites seem to be "Guess the smell", and "Guess what I'm not doing" when she asks him to do a favor for her. Quality guy huh? Yep, I've got some role model.
What else is going on.....oh, I'm on a pretty set schedule right now. I'm not talking about the whole eat, sleep, poop schedule that I'll carry through into my first year of life either. I'm talking about my sleep patterns. I wake up and go to sleep at around the same times every day. I also plan my activites out pretty regularly too. I mean, other than the usual shifts and kicks to "get comfortable" throughout the day, I tend to get most of my exercise around 9-9:30 at night. That also happens to be right about when mommy goes to sleep, so when her day ends, my fun begins! Seriously, I'm surprised she can sleep with all the action going on in here. My favorite is a sort of prewalking exercise where I "pedal" against mommy's body. I don't really walk anywhere (it doesn't take long to get from East Uteria to West Uteria), but the movements will get me ready for just after birth, where I expect daddy to hook me up with my first Marathon training schedule.
But before I begin my triumphant entrance into the running world, I'm going to need a name for all of my fans to call me. That brings us to the baby name poll of the week! This week we have two totally new suggestions, two of which that mommy and daddy both seemed to like. They're DIFFERENT to say the least, but they have a cool sounding ring to them for different reasons. First we have "Quinn Logan Joiner". Quinn Joiner - it takes a minute to get used to, but this name will grow on ya. My oh-so-wise parents picked this name for different reasons. Mommy picked it and likes it because it kinda has a link to her family. Daddy likes it because he said - and I quote - "Oh cool! The boat captain in Jaws was named Quint, which is kinda close, and that guy kicked butt!"
God help me - my dad likes the name that SOUNDS like the name of a fictitional fishing boat captain. But hey, it has a decent ring to it.
The second suggestion is Colton Thomas Joiner. Colt Joiner - short, simple, to the point. And no, its not because of Colt McCoy, who is probably the only "Colt" that pops into anybody's name right now. That guy is a tool. Everyone in their right mind knows that Tebow is the man in 2009!
So those are your choices - Quinn Joiner and/or Colt Joiner. And this week, daddy actually asked ME what my opinion was for the first time, and I responded. Thank God for these ears! Now I'M starting to give input on which names I like. I won't tell you which one I kicked for until next week - I don't want to put my bias out there. Head on over to the right side of the page and vote! Voice your opinion, lest I be saddled with a name so traumatic that I never recover!
Big baby news next week, so stay tuned. Until next week Baby Stalkers.....keep on Stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, September 25, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Week 25 - Spinnin' Round and Round
Hello there BabyBoy Stalkers! Its week 25 and I'm happy to be alive! So happy in fact that I've started spinning, twisting, and turning. This isn't just some random celebratory move though - I'm moving with PURPOSE! I'm getting out of this funky "breech" position and getting into a better spot for me to make my Great Escape. The best part about changing positions a little early is that mommy will have less warning about my breakout, which means that the odds of a successful escape just doubled! I ordered "The Shawshank Redemption" and "Escape from Alcatraz" for some research on Methods of Egress.
That grand entrance into the outside the world won't be an easy one though. I'm still growing with no end in sight! Right now I'm about 13.5" tall and weigh about a pound and a half. Yeah, don't forget the "half" of either one of those measurements either. That's big time growth. The kind of stuff you brag to your buddies about. I'm packing on some more baby fat now so I'm starting to fill out pretty good. Pretty soon I'll look like a little naked Buddha, floating around in mommy's tummy. As I told you last week, some of this is to keep me warm, and hopefully some of this will act as a CUSHION during the Great Escape. I just got a good look at the only exit I can find in this place, and if I keep growing at this rate there is NO WAY I'm fitting through there.
I've got a TON of stuff to tell you guys this week. This is a week of MAJOR developments! So get comfy, grab a pillow and maybe a snack. Its going to be a LONG BLOG! We'll start at the top and work our way down, how's that for a battle plan?
Okay, lets start off with the ol' BabyBoy noggin. I'm growing more and more hair every day. So much in fact that you could SEE it in one of those 3D/4D ultrasounds! Yeah, just don't judge me on my looks right now. I don't have a comb, a brush, not even one of those hairpick things to get my hair looking good. One thing I DO know about hair is that I'm going to part it the right way, not BACKWARDS like daddy does. Yeah, there's a fun little fact for ya - he's supposed to part his hair on the OTHER side of his head, but he can't do anything normal. Oh no, not Mr. Buck-the-trend over there. So next time you see him, tell him to part his hair the way its supposed to and maybe THEN it won't stick up in the back all the time!
Moving further down from my hair to my face, those of you who are nightmare-prone will be glad to know that my eyes now have color! Yep, right now they're blue just like any other baby you've ever seen. No more colorless creepy baby eyes. Actually, my hair has some color too.....but I'm not going to tell you if its blonde, brown, black, red, green, purple, etc. Hey, I've gotta let SOME things be a surprise!
These blue eyes will come in handy for sure. I think all of you "outsiders" tend to think baby blue eyes mean I'm nice and sweet. The kind of baby that just wants hugs and wouldn't hurt a fly. HA! Tell that to mom. She's getting kicked and punched so hard now that she feels like a stunt double from one of the Rocky movies. The rest of you hapless creatures will learn the HARD WAY. Just when you move in for a hug - I MOVE IN FOR THE KILL!!!
When you're done staring into my baby blues, move on down just a little bit. Check out my nose! Before it was just a little nub in the middle of my face, but NOW my little nostrils are opening up! Finally this thing is good for something! Up until now it was just a speed bump in between my eyes. But now I can breathe in this amniotic fluid through here too! I just hope that my nostrils don't open up TOO much to the point where I look like daddy. Good lord its like staring down the end of a double-barreled shotgun. My Uncle Dave has a car with a 3" exhaust and even THAT thing pales in comparison to the size of the holes in daddy's schnozzola!
Move a little further south past the mouth and to my neck. Why? Because I'm developing my vocal chords - just in time for football season! And as I type this, all of you "outsiders" that know my dad are cringing because you know how loud he can get. I swear I don't know how someone his size makes such a big noise! I know he has a mommy and daddy, but if you ask me the guy must be the offspring of a fire alarm and a shuttle launch. Oh, and if you've ever gone to a football game with him then you really have a good understanding of what the world is in for. Yep, now there will be TWO OF US yelling that loud. To most people, vocal chords are a means of communication - to a Joiner, they're also a weapon!
Again, just soak it in - daddy's son is growing vocal chords. Now consider the fact that mommy and daddy sit on the west side of Florida Field, and Uncle Joel can probably hear daddy when he's working the sidelines on the EAST. Maybe he works on the east side of the field so his ears won't hurt as hard. I mean, why else would he work on the visitor's side? Let the fun begin.
Now lets swing around to the backside of BabyBoy Joiner for a minute. No, I'm not talking about my baby rump. I'm talking about my actual BACK! All of the different strucural pieces of my spine are all starting to build and get into place. 33 rings, 150 joints, 1000 ligaments.....and a freakin' partridge in a pear tree! Can you believe all of that stuff is in my spine? That's a lot of gear to tote around on somebody my size. But hey, I'm going to hurry up and get that stuff set.
Speaking of backs, I'm really starting to become a pain in mommy's back. I'm not being cruel....its REVENGE! Yes, revenge! Just when I get comfy and settle down for a nap, she sits up, shifts around, goes jogging, or does some other kind of movement to keep me awake. Good lord woman, consider yourself a walking Days Inn, and your only room is occupied! Don't start banging on the walls of your only tenant! Let me sleep.....or else you'll feel the wrath of my baby-sized Fists of Fury!
But enough about her, this is all about me. Take a look inside right now and you'll see that my lungs are growing more and more blood vessels. How many of these things do I actually need? And its not just in my lungs either. I'm growing them all OVER my body which is turning my skin more and more pink. PINK???? Aw c'mon, what is this some kind of joke? I'm a Baby BOY! Boys don't like pink. Why can't my skin be orange and blue, or maybe even camoflague? That's cool, that's practical, and that's more like a BOY. But no, I'm stuck with pink. Geez, now I know why baby's get all swaddled up in a blanket when we're born. Its partly to keep us warm, but mostly to keep us from being embarassed that we're a GIRL COLOR, from head to toe!
Now move from my lungs to dead-center-baby-chest and lets talk about my heart. Its going strong, and beating LOUD. So loud in fact that at mommy's dr. visit this week, the doctor commented on just how loud and strong it was. The doctor used her magical little instruments to listen to my heartbeat and measure it, but the coolest part about this is you can actually hear it just by pressing your ear up to mommy's tummy! That being said, I'd warn against all of you crazy Baby Stalkers actually running up to mommy and putting your ear up to her bare belly. That might freak her out. But trust me, people love it. I'm thinking about charging admission. You think people would lay down a buck to hear me?
"Step right up! Put your ear to the belly and hear the great BabyBoy Joiner and his amazing heart!" Well, it MIGHT have made some money if I hadn't already posted those ultrasound videos on youtube. Everybody can already hear it for free if they go to the bottom of the page. Hmmmmmmm. I really should've thought that through a little better.
Okay enough of the baby innards. Lets move back outside of my body because I have to show off a few things. (No not THAT! Sickos) Check out my hands! In the past I could wiggle my fingers and point (as you saw from the pictures over on the right side of the page), but now I can make a fist! Yeah, up until now I was hitting mommy open-handed. Kind of a "pimp slap" type of move. But now I'm throwing a real PUNCH. Man, if she thought she was hurtin' before just wait'll she gets a taste of my left cross!
Orrrrrrrrr.......was it a right cross? I don't want to give anything away, but I'm starting to show signs of whether I'm left-handed or right-handed. Again, I'm not going to tell you which just yet but I do have my favorites for sure but I will say that mommy is right-handed and daddy is left-handed. I favor one side for my hands, feet, and even my sight.
And speaking of feet I can reach mine now and grab them. Small achievement to some of you, but it gives me something else to do. They're kinda cool....y'know like hands but with really stubby fingers. And the best thing about being able to grab my feet is now I can really pull them back and then unload with a massive baby kick! Mom's been feeling the effects of this a lot lately. The kicks alone make her dash for the bathroom on a regular basis. Good thing she's a runner huh?
Alright so we covered me from head to toe but there are STILL a few things to tell you about. Did you know I'm starting to develop some reflexes? Or as I like to call them, "Baby Autopilot"? I don't even have to THINK about doing some things anymore, they just happen. For instance, my lips and mouth are real sensitive now. Now imagine that I'm just floating around, relaxing, taking a breather from my plans to take over the world. If my hand drifts across my face and brushes across my mouth, I'll just start sucking my thumb. Its automatic! I don't even realize it until I have another great idea for world domination and reach for a pen. Then all of a sudden I notice it and think "Hey, why is my thumb in my mouth?"
Another reflex worth mentioning is my "startle reflex", which I've really started to notice with football season in full swing. Can you imagine sitting next to my dad at a football game and NOT getting startled at his ear-piercing screaming? I've jumped throughout the football games, and also at any other high-volume inducing moments. Wow, you should hear him when a solicitor calls during a football game. Words cannot describe the fury. He also yells when he's playing videogames, but I just think he's nuts when it comes to that.
And don't ask me "are you sure that's not mom that's yelling?" I KNOW the difference. Seriously - I can tell the difference between the two of them when they're talking. Mommy's voice sounds soft and sweet, and daddy sounds like a mix between Jiminy Cricket and a grizzly bear. I'm just a baby but even I can tell the difference between those two! At least now when I see them I'll know who's who.
Not only will I know who they are, but as of right now I’ll REMEMBER! Right now I’m making these cells that develop conscious thought. Or at least that’s what the doctors think! Heh heh heh….we all know that I’ve been thinking since conception, but don’t bother telling THEM that. They’re too busy coming up with all this medical jargon like “brown fat”. I’ve only been in the conscious thought racket for a little while but even I could come up with better names than that! So yeah, long story short, I can now remember AND learn things. What have I learned so far? Well, here’s a list of some of the larger points:
1) The Placenta is evil and crafty. Even though he works for me, I’m sensing an uprising of sorts in the near future. I’m watching you, Placenta!!!
2) An umbilical cord can double as a jump rope.
3) Mommy always moves around as soon as I get comfortable – NOT the other way around.
4) Daddy is a moron.
What else is there to know in life?
Now that you’ve had a laundry list of baby updates thrown your way, lets make our way to the baby naming section of the blog, which everyone seems to be curious about. This week we’ve got Ethan Michael Joiner and Timothy Joel Joiner. Now get over there and vote! And while you’re at it, make sure you voted on the “when will I make my escape” poll also.
That’s it for this week. Come on back next week for some more BabyBoy Joiner updates! Until then, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
That grand entrance into the outside the world won't be an easy one though. I'm still growing with no end in sight! Right now I'm about 13.5" tall and weigh about a pound and a half. Yeah, don't forget the "half" of either one of those measurements either. That's big time growth. The kind of stuff you brag to your buddies about. I'm packing on some more baby fat now so I'm starting to fill out pretty good. Pretty soon I'll look like a little naked Buddha, floating around in mommy's tummy. As I told you last week, some of this is to keep me warm, and hopefully some of this will act as a CUSHION during the Great Escape. I just got a good look at the only exit I can find in this place, and if I keep growing at this rate there is NO WAY I'm fitting through there.
I've got a TON of stuff to tell you guys this week. This is a week of MAJOR developments! So get comfy, grab a pillow and maybe a snack. Its going to be a LONG BLOG! We'll start at the top and work our way down, how's that for a battle plan?
Okay, lets start off with the ol' BabyBoy noggin. I'm growing more and more hair every day. So much in fact that you could SEE it in one of those 3D/4D ultrasounds! Yeah, just don't judge me on my looks right now. I don't have a comb, a brush, not even one of those hairpick things to get my hair looking good. One thing I DO know about hair is that I'm going to part it the right way, not BACKWARDS like daddy does. Yeah, there's a fun little fact for ya - he's supposed to part his hair on the OTHER side of his head, but he can't do anything normal. Oh no, not Mr. Buck-the-trend over there. So next time you see him, tell him to part his hair the way its supposed to and maybe THEN it won't stick up in the back all the time!
Moving further down from my hair to my face, those of you who are nightmare-prone will be glad to know that my eyes now have color! Yep, right now they're blue just like any other baby you've ever seen. No more colorless creepy baby eyes. Actually, my hair has some color too.....but I'm not going to tell you if its blonde, brown, black, red, green, purple, etc. Hey, I've gotta let SOME things be a surprise!
These blue eyes will come in handy for sure. I think all of you "outsiders" tend to think baby blue eyes mean I'm nice and sweet. The kind of baby that just wants hugs and wouldn't hurt a fly. HA! Tell that to mom. She's getting kicked and punched so hard now that she feels like a stunt double from one of the Rocky movies. The rest of you hapless creatures will learn the HARD WAY. Just when you move in for a hug - I MOVE IN FOR THE KILL!!!
When you're done staring into my baby blues, move on down just a little bit. Check out my nose! Before it was just a little nub in the middle of my face, but NOW my little nostrils are opening up! Finally this thing is good for something! Up until now it was just a speed bump in between my eyes. But now I can breathe in this amniotic fluid through here too! I just hope that my nostrils don't open up TOO much to the point where I look like daddy. Good lord its like staring down the end of a double-barreled shotgun. My Uncle Dave has a car with a 3" exhaust and even THAT thing pales in comparison to the size of the holes in daddy's schnozzola!
Move a little further south past the mouth and to my neck. Why? Because I'm developing my vocal chords - just in time for football season! And as I type this, all of you "outsiders" that know my dad are cringing because you know how loud he can get. I swear I don't know how someone his size makes such a big noise! I know he has a mommy and daddy, but if you ask me the guy must be the offspring of a fire alarm and a shuttle launch. Oh, and if you've ever gone to a football game with him then you really have a good understanding of what the world is in for. Yep, now there will be TWO OF US yelling that loud. To most people, vocal chords are a means of communication - to a Joiner, they're also a weapon!
Again, just soak it in - daddy's son is growing vocal chords. Now consider the fact that mommy and daddy sit on the west side of Florida Field, and Uncle Joel can probably hear daddy when he's working the sidelines on the EAST. Maybe he works on the east side of the field so his ears won't hurt as hard. I mean, why else would he work on the visitor's side? Let the fun begin.
Now lets swing around to the backside of BabyBoy Joiner for a minute. No, I'm not talking about my baby rump. I'm talking about my actual BACK! All of the different strucural pieces of my spine are all starting to build and get into place. 33 rings, 150 joints, 1000 ligaments.....and a freakin' partridge in a pear tree! Can you believe all of that stuff is in my spine? That's a lot of gear to tote around on somebody my size. But hey, I'm going to hurry up and get that stuff set.
Speaking of backs, I'm really starting to become a pain in mommy's back. I'm not being cruel....its REVENGE! Yes, revenge! Just when I get comfy and settle down for a nap, she sits up, shifts around, goes jogging, or does some other kind of movement to keep me awake. Good lord woman, consider yourself a walking Days Inn, and your only room is occupied! Don't start banging on the walls of your only tenant! Let me sleep.....or else you'll feel the wrath of my baby-sized Fists of Fury!
But enough about her, this is all about me. Take a look inside right now and you'll see that my lungs are growing more and more blood vessels. How many of these things do I actually need? And its not just in my lungs either. I'm growing them all OVER my body which is turning my skin more and more pink. PINK???? Aw c'mon, what is this some kind of joke? I'm a Baby BOY! Boys don't like pink. Why can't my skin be orange and blue, or maybe even camoflague? That's cool, that's practical, and that's more like a BOY. But no, I'm stuck with pink. Geez, now I know why baby's get all swaddled up in a blanket when we're born. Its partly to keep us warm, but mostly to keep us from being embarassed that we're a GIRL COLOR, from head to toe!
Now move from my lungs to dead-center-baby-chest and lets talk about my heart. Its going strong, and beating LOUD. So loud in fact that at mommy's dr. visit this week, the doctor commented on just how loud and strong it was. The doctor used her magical little instruments to listen to my heartbeat and measure it, but the coolest part about this is you can actually hear it just by pressing your ear up to mommy's tummy! That being said, I'd warn against all of you crazy Baby Stalkers actually running up to mommy and putting your ear up to her bare belly. That might freak her out. But trust me, people love it. I'm thinking about charging admission. You think people would lay down a buck to hear me?
"Step right up! Put your ear to the belly and hear the great BabyBoy Joiner and his amazing heart!" Well, it MIGHT have made some money if I hadn't already posted those ultrasound videos on youtube. Everybody can already hear it for free if they go to the bottom of the page. Hmmmmmmm. I really should've thought that through a little better.
Okay enough of the baby innards. Lets move back outside of my body because I have to show off a few things. (No not THAT! Sickos) Check out my hands! In the past I could wiggle my fingers and point (as you saw from the pictures over on the right side of the page), but now I can make a fist! Yeah, up until now I was hitting mommy open-handed. Kind of a "pimp slap" type of move. But now I'm throwing a real PUNCH. Man, if she thought she was hurtin' before just wait'll she gets a taste of my left cross!
Orrrrrrrrr.......was it a right cross? I don't want to give anything away, but I'm starting to show signs of whether I'm left-handed or right-handed. Again, I'm not going to tell you which just yet but I do have my favorites for sure but I will say that mommy is right-handed and daddy is left-handed. I favor one side for my hands, feet, and even my sight.
And speaking of feet I can reach mine now and grab them. Small achievement to some of you, but it gives me something else to do. They're kinda cool....y'know like hands but with really stubby fingers. And the best thing about being able to grab my feet is now I can really pull them back and then unload with a massive baby kick! Mom's been feeling the effects of this a lot lately. The kicks alone make her dash for the bathroom on a regular basis. Good thing she's a runner huh?
Alright so we covered me from head to toe but there are STILL a few things to tell you about. Did you know I'm starting to develop some reflexes? Or as I like to call them, "Baby Autopilot"? I don't even have to THINK about doing some things anymore, they just happen. For instance, my lips and mouth are real sensitive now. Now imagine that I'm just floating around, relaxing, taking a breather from my plans to take over the world. If my hand drifts across my face and brushes across my mouth, I'll just start sucking my thumb. Its automatic! I don't even realize it until I have another great idea for world domination and reach for a pen. Then all of a sudden I notice it and think "Hey, why is my thumb in my mouth?"
Another reflex worth mentioning is my "startle reflex", which I've really started to notice with football season in full swing. Can you imagine sitting next to my dad at a football game and NOT getting startled at his ear-piercing screaming? I've jumped throughout the football games, and also at any other high-volume inducing moments. Wow, you should hear him when a solicitor calls during a football game. Words cannot describe the fury. He also yells when he's playing videogames, but I just think he's nuts when it comes to that.
And don't ask me "are you sure that's not mom that's yelling?" I KNOW the difference. Seriously - I can tell the difference between the two of them when they're talking. Mommy's voice sounds soft and sweet, and daddy sounds like a mix between Jiminy Cricket and a grizzly bear. I'm just a baby but even I can tell the difference between those two! At least now when I see them I'll know who's who.
Not only will I know who they are, but as of right now I’ll REMEMBER! Right now I’m making these cells that develop conscious thought. Or at least that’s what the doctors think! Heh heh heh….we all know that I’ve been thinking since conception, but don’t bother telling THEM that. They’re too busy coming up with all this medical jargon like “brown fat”. I’ve only been in the conscious thought racket for a little while but even I could come up with better names than that! So yeah, long story short, I can now remember AND learn things. What have I learned so far? Well, here’s a list of some of the larger points:
1) The Placenta is evil and crafty. Even though he works for me, I’m sensing an uprising of sorts in the near future. I’m watching you, Placenta!!!
2) An umbilical cord can double as a jump rope.
3) Mommy always moves around as soon as I get comfortable – NOT the other way around.
4) Daddy is a moron.
What else is there to know in life?
Now that you’ve had a laundry list of baby updates thrown your way, lets make our way to the baby naming section of the blog, which everyone seems to be curious about. This week we’ve got Ethan Michael Joiner and Timothy Joel Joiner. Now get over there and vote! And while you’re at it, make sure you voted on the “when will I make my escape” poll also.
That’s it for this week. Come on back next week for some more BabyBoy Joiner updates! Until then, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, September 11, 2009
Week 24 - Weight Gain-a-Rama!
Here it is - Week 24 and you're begging for more!
I'm debating opening every weekly blog up with a rhyme now. Not that I've got great plans to be a poet or anything but hey, Muhammad Ali rhymed a lot and it worked out pretty good for him. So why not me? As long as there isn't a week called "orange", I should be able to rhyme just about anything else.
So here's the weekly tale of the tape - I've gained about 4 ounces in the past week. That's 1/4 pound for those of you a little slow in the math department. Just think - I used to BE that heavy, and now I can gain that much weight in a week. Its not necessarily from overeating or anything like that either. Not that I wouldn't mind a burger now and then mind you. This whole "getting the leftovers of whatever mommy is craving" is getting a bit old. Come on mom, an egg sandwich....AGAIN???? SURELY there's other stuff in the fridge! I'm going to have to send some baby craving signals to her and get some good ol' low-quality junk food pumpin' in here.
But like I was saying, my weight gain isn't from overeating. A lof of this new weight is my developing body organs, along with this stuff called "brown fat". They call it this because its fat that's brown. Wow. Again my little baby mind is just STUNNED with the creativity of the medical world. "Brown fat" - yeah don't bust me up with all of your technical jargon. I'm surprised you don't call my ears "those little dishes that ya hear with" while you're at it.
To get back on topic, this brown fat stuff acts almost entirely as insulation. From what I've heard the outside world isn't a nice 98.6 degrees all the time, its usually much cooler. Yeah, even in Florida! And don't even get me started on the humidity in here. When I bust outta here in a few weeks, I think I'm going to be one of those guys that says, "Whooooo boy, how 'bout this heat?" Its a little low-brow and beneath me, but it manages to keep the tourists from saying it first.
Another big growth spurt that's taking place is in my brain of all places. First of all its obvious that I'm already pretty smart, witty, charming, and a damn smooth-talker. So can you imagine what's going to happen when my brain gets even BIGGER?? At last, I'm developing my greatest weapon in the quest for Baby World Domination. As it stands right now, I can already beat half of my family and friends in a good game of Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit. In fact, I can beat them in just about any game.
Except "Battleship". And we all know WHY they always win at battleship....because they CHEAT!!! For the love of fair play will you PLEASE quit moving your little ships around? I know I can't "miss" that many times if I tried. Seven straight games and not a single "hit"? I'm onto you daddy! Not that I haven't thought about cheating myself, but once I put them onto the board I can't manage to pull them out with these little baby hands I've got. But my time is coming. That's right.....victory will be mine!
Pardon the rant. Mommy just ate another glorious EGG SANDWICH and all of those WAVES AND WAVES OF YUMMY NUTRIENTS must have gone to my head. Yes simple woman, that was sarcasm. Let's put a few more pages in the ol' menu before I start to think that's what all food tastes like. After all, my taste buds are still developing in here. Lets not burn them out before i get to throw down on my first Five Guys Burger!
There's one more big development going on right now, as long as we're talking about growth spurts. My lungs are growing like crazy right now. As most of you know, lungs aren't just big bags of air - they've got all kinds of little "branches" in there with little bitty "air sacs" on them. These branches are growing, and the air sacs are sproutin'! I'm also getting a good workout by practicing my breathing. Of course, I'm stuck breathing in amniotic fluid instead of air. Yeah, the same fluid that I'm floating around in. The same fluid that I'm, uh, peeing in. You know the old expression "you don't crap where you eat?" Well, I'm violating the heck out of that saying. (With the exception being I'm not quite pooping yet)
Another cool thing that's going on in my lungs is that I'm also growing cells in there that are producing a very, very important substance. Its this stuff called "surfactant". Ever heard of it? Well I sure hadn't until I started producing it and then I realized how important it really is. Surfactant is this stuff that helps the air sacs in my lungs inflate after I'm born. Yep, breathing in air is a lot different from breathing in fluid, and this stuff will help kickstart everything. This is a big reason why you see really premature babies having trouble breathing - they haven't produced enough of this stuff to get the party started. With any luck I'll finish cookin' in here. Hopefully this stuff CAN be produced by the mother eating NOTHING BUT EGG SANDIWCHES!!! Good lord woman! They're freakin' eggs! And I'm sorry but salsa doesn't make it taste better. It just makes it taste like soggy egg! Can I get a mother flippin' Snickers bar in here? How about a 3 Musketeers?
Can you tell I'm tired of eggs? Geez. And she wonders why I kick and punch.
Oh, here's something really spooky. Remember that creepy visual I told you about that gave you nightmares a few weeks back? YOU KNOW - a thin skinned baby with colorless eyes, living under your bed? Don't act like that didn't freak you out! Anyways, I kinda forgot to tell you something about that. My HAIR is white too! HAHAHAHAHA That's right, cower in fear of the Sinister Albino Baby! It'll take me a while, but I'll eventually crawl over to you and creep you out with my pale baby looks. I swear, if it wasn't for me being so damn good looking I might actually LOOK freakish. Thank God I've got a handsome daddy and a good lookin' mama!
And uh, before I wrap this up, I need to ask for a little help here. Uh, anybody got a life preserver? A life raft? Oh I dunno, maybe some of those goofy little water wings? It might just be me, but I swear there's more amniotic fluid coming in here. I'm serious. Before it was cool because I could splash around, do some cool tricks like flipping and turning, maybe practice a little breathing and everything was okay. But NOW? Those floodwaters, they are a-risin'. I need your help because my parents won't do diddly. My mom thinks its "cute" that I have more fluid in here to float around in. And daddy? Well you know daddy. He's not the brightest bulb on the tree. Word has it he once got lost in a revolving door. He just laughed when I told him and started singing that Johnny Cash song, "Five Feet High and Risin'".
Moron.
So if you'd like to help keep me afloat, please help. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna have this fluid coming in here, but lets just say that Wombsville, USA is definitely not in threat of a drought.
Okay, now on to the polls. And much like voting in any other process, if you don't vote you can't complain! This week we've got TWO polls for ya. One is our normal baby names, and the other is a new one that daddy has started and will run until 1/1/10! That poll will ask - will I escape the womb and enter the world early, on time, or late? I mean, I COULD just come on out and tell you what my plan for escape is....but what's the fun in that? I wanna keep everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy and daddy - on their toes. So be sure to vote and put your best guess in!
And as far as the baby names go, this week we have "Derrick William Joiner" and "Joseph Andrew Joiner". Get out and vote....in both polls! And until next week, keep on stalkin', Baby Stalkers!
-BabyBoy Joiner
I'm debating opening every weekly blog up with a rhyme now. Not that I've got great plans to be a poet or anything but hey, Muhammad Ali rhymed a lot and it worked out pretty good for him. So why not me? As long as there isn't a week called "orange", I should be able to rhyme just about anything else.
So here's the weekly tale of the tape - I've gained about 4 ounces in the past week. That's 1/4 pound for those of you a little slow in the math department. Just think - I used to BE that heavy, and now I can gain that much weight in a week. Its not necessarily from overeating or anything like that either. Not that I wouldn't mind a burger now and then mind you. This whole "getting the leftovers of whatever mommy is craving" is getting a bit old. Come on mom, an egg sandwich....AGAIN???? SURELY there's other stuff in the fridge! I'm going to have to send some baby craving signals to her and get some good ol' low-quality junk food pumpin' in here.
But like I was saying, my weight gain isn't from overeating. A lof of this new weight is my developing body organs, along with this stuff called "brown fat". They call it this because its fat that's brown. Wow. Again my little baby mind is just STUNNED with the creativity of the medical world. "Brown fat" - yeah don't bust me up with all of your technical jargon. I'm surprised you don't call my ears "those little dishes that ya hear with" while you're at it.
To get back on topic, this brown fat stuff acts almost entirely as insulation. From what I've heard the outside world isn't a nice 98.6 degrees all the time, its usually much cooler. Yeah, even in Florida! And don't even get me started on the humidity in here. When I bust outta here in a few weeks, I think I'm going to be one of those guys that says, "Whooooo boy, how 'bout this heat?" Its a little low-brow and beneath me, but it manages to keep the tourists from saying it first.
Another big growth spurt that's taking place is in my brain of all places. First of all its obvious that I'm already pretty smart, witty, charming, and a damn smooth-talker. So can you imagine what's going to happen when my brain gets even BIGGER?? At last, I'm developing my greatest weapon in the quest for Baby World Domination. As it stands right now, I can already beat half of my family and friends in a good game of Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit. In fact, I can beat them in just about any game.
Except "Battleship". And we all know WHY they always win at battleship....because they CHEAT!!! For the love of fair play will you PLEASE quit moving your little ships around? I know I can't "miss" that many times if I tried. Seven straight games and not a single "hit"? I'm onto you daddy! Not that I haven't thought about cheating myself, but once I put them onto the board I can't manage to pull them out with these little baby hands I've got. But my time is coming. That's right.....victory will be mine!
Pardon the rant. Mommy just ate another glorious EGG SANDWICH and all of those WAVES AND WAVES OF YUMMY NUTRIENTS must have gone to my head. Yes simple woman, that was sarcasm. Let's put a few more pages in the ol' menu before I start to think that's what all food tastes like. After all, my taste buds are still developing in here. Lets not burn them out before i get to throw down on my first Five Guys Burger!
There's one more big development going on right now, as long as we're talking about growth spurts. My lungs are growing like crazy right now. As most of you know, lungs aren't just big bags of air - they've got all kinds of little "branches" in there with little bitty "air sacs" on them. These branches are growing, and the air sacs are sproutin'! I'm also getting a good workout by practicing my breathing. Of course, I'm stuck breathing in amniotic fluid instead of air. Yeah, the same fluid that I'm floating around in. The same fluid that I'm, uh, peeing in. You know the old expression "you don't crap where you eat?" Well, I'm violating the heck out of that saying. (With the exception being I'm not quite pooping yet)
Another cool thing that's going on in my lungs is that I'm also growing cells in there that are producing a very, very important substance. Its this stuff called "surfactant". Ever heard of it? Well I sure hadn't until I started producing it and then I realized how important it really is. Surfactant is this stuff that helps the air sacs in my lungs inflate after I'm born. Yep, breathing in air is a lot different from breathing in fluid, and this stuff will help kickstart everything. This is a big reason why you see really premature babies having trouble breathing - they haven't produced enough of this stuff to get the party started. With any luck I'll finish cookin' in here. Hopefully this stuff CAN be produced by the mother eating NOTHING BUT EGG SANDIWCHES!!! Good lord woman! They're freakin' eggs! And I'm sorry but salsa doesn't make it taste better. It just makes it taste like soggy egg! Can I get a mother flippin' Snickers bar in here? How about a 3 Musketeers?
Can you tell I'm tired of eggs? Geez. And she wonders why I kick and punch.
Oh, here's something really spooky. Remember that creepy visual I told you about that gave you nightmares a few weeks back? YOU KNOW - a thin skinned baby with colorless eyes, living under your bed? Don't act like that didn't freak you out! Anyways, I kinda forgot to tell you something about that. My HAIR is white too! HAHAHAHAHA That's right, cower in fear of the Sinister Albino Baby! It'll take me a while, but I'll eventually crawl over to you and creep you out with my pale baby looks. I swear, if it wasn't for me being so damn good looking I might actually LOOK freakish. Thank God I've got a handsome daddy and a good lookin' mama!
And uh, before I wrap this up, I need to ask for a little help here. Uh, anybody got a life preserver? A life raft? Oh I dunno, maybe some of those goofy little water wings? It might just be me, but I swear there's more amniotic fluid coming in here. I'm serious. Before it was cool because I could splash around, do some cool tricks like flipping and turning, maybe practice a little breathing and everything was okay. But NOW? Those floodwaters, they are a-risin'. I need your help because my parents won't do diddly. My mom thinks its "cute" that I have more fluid in here to float around in. And daddy? Well you know daddy. He's not the brightest bulb on the tree. Word has it he once got lost in a revolving door. He just laughed when I told him and started singing that Johnny Cash song, "Five Feet High and Risin'".
Moron.
So if you'd like to help keep me afloat, please help. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna have this fluid coming in here, but lets just say that Wombsville, USA is definitely not in threat of a drought.
Okay, now on to the polls. And much like voting in any other process, if you don't vote you can't complain! This week we've got TWO polls for ya. One is our normal baby names, and the other is a new one that daddy has started and will run until 1/1/10! That poll will ask - will I escape the womb and enter the world early, on time, or late? I mean, I COULD just come on out and tell you what my plan for escape is....but what's the fun in that? I wanna keep everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy and daddy - on their toes. So be sure to vote and put your best guess in!
And as far as the baby names go, this week we have "Derrick William Joiner" and "Joseph Andrew Joiner". Get out and vote....in both polls! And until next week, keep on stalkin', Baby Stalkers!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, September 4, 2009
Week 23 - 'Tis the season!
Welcome to week 23, Baby Stalkers! Its another action-packed week of new and exciting developments straight outta Wombsville, USA! Its been a wild week of growth for me in here. I'm getting better control over my movements as my dexterity continues to improve. My newest revelation in this is that I realized that I don't have to use both hands for the same thing. Yahoo! That means its possible to scratch my head AND baby bottom at the same time!
What's that look for? Hey, don't judge me. I have needs.
And speaking of needy, NOBODY is needier than mommy and daddy. This week they've REALLY been noticing my every move in here. And the more motion they see, the more clingy they get. Now they're ASKING me to kick and punch. They're BEGGING for me to roll around. Its so annoying! Hey I've got an idea - why don't the two of you GET A HOBBY! Things are only going to get worse as I get bigger too. Pretty soon they'll be able to SEE my every move just as easy as they can feel them. It’ll look like something straight outta “Aliens”. Something tells me that this is gonna be a LONNNNNNNNNG 17 more weeks.
That's not to say that I couldn't make an early escape. Word has already reached my mommy "warden", so she knows when I'm PLANNING to break out. You know, TECHNICALLY I could escape now and actually have a chance at survival! Oh, and if that's not enough trivia for you, here's something I bet you didn't know. Apparently boys are more at risk than girls if we're born premature. What the hell? Not as mature? How is THAT possible??? Its LIES, ALL LIES!!!! And I'm going to sit here and hold my breath until you say its a lie...or until I turn blue!!!
Not mature. Please. I am TOO mature! I am I am I am!
And yes, I actually CAN hold my breath until I turn blue. Well, almost. I'm growing tons of blood vessels in my lungs. All of that stuff is going to carry oxygen through my body once I actually bust outta here. I've gotta tell ya, I can't wait to actually breathe AIR. Its really stuffy in here. And gooey. And I can't wipe this "vernix" stuff off. Its really getting annoying. If you're wondering what this is like, go into your kitchen and squirt a few handfuls of soap into your l'il paws, then try to go about your daily business. Not a lot of people lining up to shake hands with ya, if you know what I'm sayin'.
I'm filling out in here a little bit. i've definitely put on a little weight since last week, and I don't think its from hot pockets and snickers bars. I'm a tiny bit over a pound now, but I have plans to put on many, many pounds before I'm born. Don't tell mom, but I'm aiming for about 9-10 pounds. Daddy was over 9 pounds when he was born, so I'm going to try to "beat the record"! In fact, I should double my body weight in the next month. Yep, 2 pounds by the end of september!
I really haven't gotten much taller since last Friday. I think from here on out I'll probably gain more weight than height. But hey, look at my parents - did you REALLY think I was going to get super tall? I'm just hoping that they don't put all of the cool baby stuff on the top shelf at the store, 'cause I'll never get it then. Yeah, thanks for the gift of life and everything....but couldn't you have super-sized it?
The good thing about not being this size is that I still have some room to stretch out. Uh, at least for NOW I do. Everyone on the outside wonders what I'm doing when I move and kick and punch. WELL, if you promise not to tell my mom and dad, I'll let you in on a little secret. What I'm about to tell you is top secret baby info. You know how people always joke and say, "If I told you, I'd have to kill you"? Yeah, its THAT SECRET. Each of the 3 major movements has a specific meaning and purpose. So here it is, the Official BabyBoy Joiner Movement Codebreaker!
Move #1: Kicking - there are two kinds of kicks. First we have what I like to call the "stretch kick". This is the long, gentle push with my feet to either get repositioned or make room. The other type is something I refer to as the "I'm gonna teach mommy a lesson" kick. This kick is usually faster, stronger, sharper, and is aimed at either her bladder or diaphragm. It is designed strictly for malicious, violent baby tendencies. I usually use it when mommy eats something I don't like, or plays music that I STRONGLY disagree with.
Its easy to tell the difference between the kicks. Just watch mommy's face. If she rubs her tummy, smiles, and says "Ooooh, baby boy is kicking a little in there"...THAT'S the stretch kick. You'll know when I strike with my other kick because she says nothing and usually just makes a mad dash for the bathroom. If you see a pregnant woman running a 4.4 40 yard dash, its because she was the victim of a "mean baby kick".
Move #2: Punching - Just like on the outside world, punches are saved for your nemesis. In my case, that means the Placenta. Yes, I don't punch unless I mean business and when it comes to Mr. Placenta.......lets just say I'm ALWAYS open for business! If mommy thinks she's feeling a baby punch, it can mean a few things. Either:
a) She actually felt a kick and doesn't know the difference
b) I missed and accidentally punched mommy. But I never miss, so this isn’t an option.
c) I punched Placenta so hard that he went and told on me. Dirty rat!
And don't get sympathetic about the Placenta and start giving me attitude for beating him up. Hey, you don't know him like I do man! He just sits around all day talking trash, and since I can't leave I have to stay here and LISTEN to him! Plus he owes me 20 bucks! If that doesn't give me enough reason, nothing should!
I got a little off-subject there. Ooooooo, there's a shocker. Anyways, I have to go over the third baby movement, which is:
Move #3: Rolling - Just like you, I roll to get comfortable. There's only so much time I can spend standing on my head! I will also occasionally roll to amuse myself. Its not much, but then again we ARE talking about being confined to a cell thats barely larger than I am. My options are rather limited.
So there you have it! Now whenever you hear about me moving, you'll know exactly what I'm up to!
There is one last development that I need to let you know about before we get onto the baby names of the week and yes, I saved the best for last. What is it, you ask? Well, you know how I had mentioned that my hearing was developing and that I could hear what was going on in the outside world? As it turns out, I'm getting used to all of the loud sounds around me. The sound of mommy slamming on her car horn 15 times on her way to work in the morning doesn't even faze me anymore! And neither does all of that rap music, even though I don't particularly care for it (I'm more of an AC/DC or or Lynyrd Skynyrd kind of baby). So while I might react to loud noises, I don't fear them. This ability comes at just the right moment because this is the most important time of the year-
FOOTBALL SEASON!!!
I'm not even BORN yet and I already knew how cool football is. This weekend will mark my first trip to the holiest of all football landmarks - Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, aka The Swamp. Its going to be loud, its going to be rowdy, and I'm going to feel right at home! I'll be in here doing the Chomp and singing "We Are the Boys" with everyone else! And the best part is that mommy smuggles me in so I don't need a ticket! Yep, now I can tell people that I was sneaking into football games before I was even born. Now if I could only get a little baby football jersey delivered to me in here, I'd be all set! So don’t worry, daddy can still yell until he’s hoarse every single game, and its not going to bother me one bit.
That's about it for this week's blog - so lets get to the names of the week! Again, I'm not saying WHO made which suggestion. Just check 'em out and tell me what you think by voting over on the right side of the page.
This week's selections are "Johnathan Mason Joiner" and "Brandon James Joiner". Now go vote and tell me what you think! And until next week, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
What's that look for? Hey, don't judge me. I have needs.
And speaking of needy, NOBODY is needier than mommy and daddy. This week they've REALLY been noticing my every move in here. And the more motion they see, the more clingy they get. Now they're ASKING me to kick and punch. They're BEGGING for me to roll around. Its so annoying! Hey I've got an idea - why don't the two of you GET A HOBBY! Things are only going to get worse as I get bigger too. Pretty soon they'll be able to SEE my every move just as easy as they can feel them. It’ll look like something straight outta “Aliens”. Something tells me that this is gonna be a LONNNNNNNNNG 17 more weeks.
That's not to say that I couldn't make an early escape. Word has already reached my mommy "warden", so she knows when I'm PLANNING to break out. You know, TECHNICALLY I could escape now and actually have a chance at survival! Oh, and if that's not enough trivia for you, here's something I bet you didn't know. Apparently boys are more at risk than girls if we're born premature. What the hell? Not as mature? How is THAT possible??? Its LIES, ALL LIES!!!! And I'm going to sit here and hold my breath until you say its a lie...or until I turn blue!!!
Not mature. Please. I am TOO mature! I am I am I am!
And yes, I actually CAN hold my breath until I turn blue. Well, almost. I'm growing tons of blood vessels in my lungs. All of that stuff is going to carry oxygen through my body once I actually bust outta here. I've gotta tell ya, I can't wait to actually breathe AIR. Its really stuffy in here. And gooey. And I can't wipe this "vernix" stuff off. Its really getting annoying. If you're wondering what this is like, go into your kitchen and squirt a few handfuls of soap into your l'il paws, then try to go about your daily business. Not a lot of people lining up to shake hands with ya, if you know what I'm sayin'.
I'm filling out in here a little bit. i've definitely put on a little weight since last week, and I don't think its from hot pockets and snickers bars. I'm a tiny bit over a pound now, but I have plans to put on many, many pounds before I'm born. Don't tell mom, but I'm aiming for about 9-10 pounds. Daddy was over 9 pounds when he was born, so I'm going to try to "beat the record"! In fact, I should double my body weight in the next month. Yep, 2 pounds by the end of september!
I really haven't gotten much taller since last Friday. I think from here on out I'll probably gain more weight than height. But hey, look at my parents - did you REALLY think I was going to get super tall? I'm just hoping that they don't put all of the cool baby stuff on the top shelf at the store, 'cause I'll never get it then. Yeah, thanks for the gift of life and everything....but couldn't you have super-sized it?
The good thing about not being this size is that I still have some room to stretch out. Uh, at least for NOW I do. Everyone on the outside wonders what I'm doing when I move and kick and punch. WELL, if you promise not to tell my mom and dad, I'll let you in on a little secret. What I'm about to tell you is top secret baby info. You know how people always joke and say, "If I told you, I'd have to kill you"? Yeah, its THAT SECRET. Each of the 3 major movements has a specific meaning and purpose. So here it is, the Official BabyBoy Joiner Movement Codebreaker!
Move #1: Kicking - there are two kinds of kicks. First we have what I like to call the "stretch kick". This is the long, gentle push with my feet to either get repositioned or make room. The other type is something I refer to as the "I'm gonna teach mommy a lesson" kick. This kick is usually faster, stronger, sharper, and is aimed at either her bladder or diaphragm. It is designed strictly for malicious, violent baby tendencies. I usually use it when mommy eats something I don't like, or plays music that I STRONGLY disagree with.
Its easy to tell the difference between the kicks. Just watch mommy's face. If she rubs her tummy, smiles, and says "Ooooh, baby boy is kicking a little in there"...THAT'S the stretch kick. You'll know when I strike with my other kick because she says nothing and usually just makes a mad dash for the bathroom. If you see a pregnant woman running a 4.4 40 yard dash, its because she was the victim of a "mean baby kick".
Move #2: Punching - Just like on the outside world, punches are saved for your nemesis. In my case, that means the Placenta. Yes, I don't punch unless I mean business and when it comes to Mr. Placenta.......lets just say I'm ALWAYS open for business! If mommy thinks she's feeling a baby punch, it can mean a few things. Either:
a) She actually felt a kick and doesn't know the difference
b) I missed and accidentally punched mommy. But I never miss, so this isn’t an option.
c) I punched Placenta so hard that he went and told on me. Dirty rat!
And don't get sympathetic about the Placenta and start giving me attitude for beating him up. Hey, you don't know him like I do man! He just sits around all day talking trash, and since I can't leave I have to stay here and LISTEN to him! Plus he owes me 20 bucks! If that doesn't give me enough reason, nothing should!
I got a little off-subject there. Ooooooo, there's a shocker. Anyways, I have to go over the third baby movement, which is:
Move #3: Rolling - Just like you, I roll to get comfortable. There's only so much time I can spend standing on my head! I will also occasionally roll to amuse myself. Its not much, but then again we ARE talking about being confined to a cell thats barely larger than I am. My options are rather limited.
So there you have it! Now whenever you hear about me moving, you'll know exactly what I'm up to!
There is one last development that I need to let you know about before we get onto the baby names of the week and yes, I saved the best for last. What is it, you ask? Well, you know how I had mentioned that my hearing was developing and that I could hear what was going on in the outside world? As it turns out, I'm getting used to all of the loud sounds around me. The sound of mommy slamming on her car horn 15 times on her way to work in the morning doesn't even faze me anymore! And neither does all of that rap music, even though I don't particularly care for it (I'm more of an AC/DC or or Lynyrd Skynyrd kind of baby). So while I might react to loud noises, I don't fear them. This ability comes at just the right moment because this is the most important time of the year-
FOOTBALL SEASON!!!
I'm not even BORN yet and I already knew how cool football is. This weekend will mark my first trip to the holiest of all football landmarks - Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, aka The Swamp. Its going to be loud, its going to be rowdy, and I'm going to feel right at home! I'll be in here doing the Chomp and singing "We Are the Boys" with everyone else! And the best part is that mommy smuggles me in so I don't need a ticket! Yep, now I can tell people that I was sneaking into football games before I was even born. Now if I could only get a little baby football jersey delivered to me in here, I'd be all set! So don’t worry, daddy can still yell until he’s hoarse every single game, and its not going to bother me one bit.
That's about it for this week's blog - so lets get to the names of the week! Again, I'm not saying WHO made which suggestion. Just check 'em out and tell me what you think by voting over on the right side of the page.
This week's selections are "Johnathan Mason Joiner" and "Brandon James Joiner". Now go vote and tell me what you think! And until next week, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
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