Week 20 - Big News!

We all knew it was too good to be true. Daddy's streak of posting my blog ON TIME ended at a glorious 1-in-a-row. Way to reach for the stars there dad. Such prompt, responsive work deserves to be rewarded. My reward for you is meconium. Yep, a great big plate of meconium. I made it myself, so enjoy!

You probably don't recognize meconium by this name though so let me call it something you would more easily recognize. Black tar baby poop. Yep, that's what my little is making right now, and I'm calling in a great big order just for you. Enjoy that first diaper old man!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

But enough about that aging shell of a man, lets get back to something way more interesting - ME, and my rule over Baby #2. After much begging and pleading, mom and dad succumbed to my youthful good looks and persuasive demeanor and went on a scouting mission for me. They returned with several game-changing nuggets of information via ultrasound.

First, the baby is growing like a weed - up to 6.5" from head to butt (I refuse to say "crown to rump". no royalty there, and its just a butt). That puts the overall height at around 10", which means I can still dunk over the baby without any issues.

Second, the weight. The doctors are ballparking it around 10-12 ounces. I know we're in different weight classes and a fight at this point might sound unfair to you, but Sun Tzu would point out that you attack an opponent at their weakest, not at their strongest. Son of Joiner says, "I shall not fail." Even though the ultrasound showed a baby punching and jabbing at the walls of my old apartment with reckless abandon, I will prevail.

And finally, they saw one more thing in the ultrasound. I'll spare you the details but will just sum it up and say that if I didn't know any better I would've thought this new child had sprouted another leg. Yep, that's right, its a boy! Good thing too, because I was almost starting to feel guilty at the thought of waging war against a baby sister. That might be pushing the envelope. But waging war against a baby brother? Yep, game on. Besides, having a baby sister would probably mean that dolls would start popping up around the house and I don't do so well with them. Dolls either end up naked or destroyed. I submit to you, exhibit A.

I could go on and on with more details, but after seeing your reaction to that last paragraph, I know you got the information you came here for and have since tuned me out. So here's the "Cliff Notes" version of what I would've talked about if I had been able to retain your attention even further.

- He is about 1/8 of his final weight.

- His weight has quadrupled in the last 4 weeks.

- The punching and kicking has intensified. Insert "mommy's bladder" joke here and save me the effort.

- He's swallowing more fluids and stuff now, which is why he's brewing up that meconium.

See? I've lost you. You didn't even read the bullet points. *SIGH*

Well maybe I can bring you back around with some baby name choices. We'll start getting ideas from mommy starting next week, and her suggestions can't come soon enough. Seriously. Daddy submitted two ideas this week and they're both horrible. "Megatron Joiner" has been his favorite, which scares me beyond words. His latest submission "Flamethrower Kaboom Joiner" is…..well…..lets be honest, the man shouldn't even be allowed to drive a car after making that submission. He needs to be examined.

Enough typing for now. Its potty time! Gotta run.

Andrew Joiner, Big Brother

Week 19 - Speedy Delivery!

SURPRISE!!!!!! This is the first week that Daddy has posted my baby blog on the actual DAY that it was supposed to go up. Yup, they are SUPPOSED to come out on Friday. So why have they been coming out on Wednesdays and Thursdays you ask? Because that lazy, mouth-breathing Dad of mine keeps dragging his feet with the whole posting process. Its not MY fault that you aren't getting this jaw-droppingly-good blog on time every week! Blame Daddy, that's what I do. Especially when food is missing from the refrigerator.

Sooooooo, I finally heard from my "scouts" on the inside and the news isn't good. Remember how I told you that my sinister sibling was going through this whole "bone-strengthening process"? Well its getting worse now. MUCH worse. It would be "worser", if that was a word. Ah heck with it, I'LL make it a word. That's the kind of swagger I've got. Anyways, in addition to the bones the baby is now building up a surplus worth of IRON. This really made me scratch my head and wonder what was going on, so I found a book called, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" in mommy's room. At first I had no idea WHAT the people that wrote the book were expecting, but there was a baby on the cover so I put two and two together and came up with 5.

The OFFICIAL medical reasoning behind this (according to the book) is that the baby is storing iron to help produce its own red blood cells. That's a pretty harmless little function right there, right? WRONG! You see, you sheep out there may accept this as true, but I know better. This baby is a crafty one. The stockpiling of iron can mean only one thing - armor. Yep, baby body armor. Head to toe, iron-plated, butt-kicking armor. I have to admit I'm a bit jealous here, but thats okay. I'll just have to upgrade my own arms and defenses now. Couch cushion fort, prepare thyself for a second level of pillows…..

And if the armor isn't enough already, the baby is forming "teeth buds" right now. Great, more weapons. And there are multiple "levels" of teeth too. Hey mom, are we growing a baby in there or a shark?? Multiple rows? Oh okay….she says that there is another row forming UNDERNEATH the first row. The top ones are called "milk teeth", and the bottom is called "permanent". Okay, I get the permanent teeth, but "milk teeth"? Are they MADE of milk? Noooooooooooo. Do you EAT milk? Noooooooooooo. (And by the way if the milk you buy EVER requires you to CHEW it…..well lets just say you should find another grocery store) They could just call them "baby teeth" and be done with it, but some genius doctor probably just decided that he needed to name something, yet didn't feel like breaking out the latin terminology that day. I can hear him now - "Hey, lets call them 'milk teeth' just to screw with people".

There's a ton of new stuff happening this week isn't there? Man this baby needs to pace itself. Sit back and relax for a minute. Have a Coke and a smile there, crazypants. 

A LOT of the changes this week revolve around that little baby noggin, inside and out. The less intimidating side of the cranial development is that there is hair starting to grow up there. Yep, a little fuzzy buzzcut is forming right now but it will grow pretty fast. I remember how shaggy I was when I was born, yet it was almost a YEAR before I got my first haircut! That is a LOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNGG time in between cuts. But forget the window dressing, lets dive inside! Right now the baby brain is designating specialized areas for each of the senses. Pretty cool if you think about it, but it also poses a huge problem to me.

Recon.

The baby can start to check ME out now! Process light and dark? Sure. Hear my voice? No problem. Feel the pressure when I climb on mommy? Oh yeah. Man, this is a big problem. I know I told you before to limit our communications to email and texts, and that is more important than ever now because now the baby not only hears, but can start to process what it hears. Big time problem for me.

All of this brain activity means that my little sibling is starting to dream. I can only assume that these dreams are of World Domination like mine, so I need to prepare for the worst. After all, there's only a few more months before the baby arrives and that means lots of time to plot and scheme. I must assume the worst - by "Birthday Zero", this baby will arrive with some sort of Weapon of Mass Destruction. I'm gonna go with a "dirty bomb" here, or maybe a new plague. One thing is more sure, there's one "weapon" already in play right now. Peeing! Right now Baby #2 can "paint the walls" in there if he/she wants too. I only hope the baby enjoys THAT weapon as much as I did. Nothing is funnier than taking a whiz on dad, that's for sure.

All in all, that's not a bad week of development for a baby. Oh wait - I forgot to tell you how this latest addition to the Joiner family is measuring up. Weight - 8.5 ounces, and height is around 6" tall. Pretty tall little boy OR girl. So now the big question is - what do YOU think the baby will be? A boy or a girl? Look to the right side of the screen and you'll see a place to vote. Let your voice be heard! We'll keep taking the votes until we find out exactly WHAT is going on in there.

Once again, potty calls! I'm out.

-Andrew Joiner

Week 18 - Pieces and Parts

Well hello there, baby stalkers! Welcome to week 18.

I've gotta admit, things are getting pretty serious. I anticipated some sort of "leveling off", but the baby just keeps growing and growing. How is this possible? At some point, will it just BURST out of mommy's stomach or something? It CAN'T just keep growing forever. 

I don't quite understand where my calculations were wrong. I sat down, put crayon to paper, and figured it out all by myself. Check my work, please. I'm sure I didn't make any sort of error. Everybody knows that a red scribble means "no growth" right?

Well, for whatever reason the baby is still growing. If you measure from "crown to rump" (which is a fancy way of saying head-to-butt), my miniature rival is about 5.5" tall and weighs in at half a pound.

Yep, half a pound. 2 quarter pounders from mcdonalds, minus the weird seeds all over it. Anybody know what these seeds would grow if I watered them? I've never quite figured that out. I'd like to try the experiment but then again there's no WAY I'm sacrificing a happy meal in the name of science. I'd rather not know than miss out on my cheese-fix!

Right now the baby isn't covered in seeds though. My scouts are telling me that it is covered in this greasy, waxy goo from head to toe. That's pretty much….well……gross. I can understand how it would help keep the baby safe in there, since it would just slip and slide all over if something pushed on it. But wait…..is there something more?

That's it! More sneaky baby defenses! I should've known this clever one was prepping for our inevitable battle. If its slippery, I can't grab it! My toddler fists of fury would just slide right off! So now I've got a slithery little baby rival with bones that are getting harder by the day. And what are my bones doing? Just sitting there, that's what! Come on bones, get tough! Turn to rock, or steel, or 2 week old meatloaf. I need to keep my advantage!

Oh, there's one more HUGE development. This is the week that the baby has its little….um…..well, its…..little baby parts. What does that mean for you? Well, if mommy and daddy weren't such frugal people, we would all be able to see if I'm dealing with a baby boy or a baby girl! Way to go, cheapos. You can't help me out a LITTLE with some high-tech scouting? Bah, you're useless! Fortunately for me, I had the forethought to install a closed-circuit-camera system inside my old apartment before I left. All I have to do is punch up the camera feed and I'll……

Um, yeah. I forgot I left my monitor in there too. Aw man!!!! I was that close to knowing!! Oh well, I'll have to send a text to my friends - stomach, kidneys, and liver. They still hang out near the old neighborhood and they'll be able to check for me and text me back. Just don't hold your breath waiting for a response. They aren't exactly the fastest to respond to a text message. But then again, you wouldn't be that quick either if you didn't have any hands to type with! For the life of me I still don't know how they do that. To give you an idea of how slow they text, I just got a message today that said-

"OMG urban meyer just resigned at Florida. what the hell??!!!"

So yeah I don't think we have the time to wait for a message from them. We might just have to wait until mom and dad decide to tell us. That being said, maybe we should start kicking around some baby names. What do you guys think I should name my baby brother or sister? Daddy keeps wanting to name the baby "Megatron", regardless of whether its a boy or girl. What is wrong with that guy? Has he taken a sharp blow to the head lately or something? I consider myself lucky that I escaped with a relatively normal name.

Alright folks, I've gotta get out of here. I hear a potty down the hall calling my name. Later!

-Andrew

Week 17 - My Growing Adversary

It looks like my secret is out. I was hoping to sneak under the radar with my training but it appears my future sibling has found out. At first I thought that mommy or daddy spilled the beans but it appears that this one is developing new talents.

What talent could this be? Well, it appears that little baby ears have not only formed - they're sticking out of the baby's head! That's it, from now on we can't discuss any sensitive material vocally. I have no option but to type them out. Its either that or morse code, smoke signals, and that kind of stuff. Who knows? Maybe I'll start a disinformation campaign to throw the baby off track. 

On MY side of the wall, I've heard lots of things about the newest little Joiner. He/she is getting taller by the day - 5 inches tall if you measure from head to butt. Why they don't include the legs in this measurement is beyond me. Thankfully they don't measure height like this at Busch Gardens because I'd NEVER be able to ride a ride that way!

The baby still has a little room to roll around so there's a whole of punching and kicking going on. This means that I get to watch a real funny show as mommy keeps mad-dashing to the bathroom. Yep, it looks like the little one has found the bladder and diaphragm and loves to give mommy a good "pop" when she least expects it. I can relate - I'm currently mastering potty training myself so I can appreciate a good run to the bathroom. Its good to know that I'm not alone!

And speaking of bathroom fun, word on the street is that my little companion is making poop. Yep, slowly but surely there's a big one brewin'! I thoroughly enjoyed crafting my own back in the day so that I could pay my daddy back for all of the bad jokes and poor name choices when I was "doing time" in there. I can't wait to see the look on his face when Baby #2 GOES number two! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh, guess what else? I've heard that the baby has a way of getting "tough" and "soft" at the same time! I didn't think it was possible but this sneaky little devil has found a way to get it done. 

First the "tough" part. This is the part that worries me. Up until now the baby's skeleton was soft, bendable cartilage but NOW its turning to bone. Maybe that's why his/her punches and kicks are being felt more by mommy. With the little one getting "battle ready", I need to step up my training even more. Don't say anything though. Remember, baby ears are picking up everything!

But now here's the "soft" part. My little sibling is starting to chunk up. You know, get plump, fatten up, turning portly, etc. I remember my mom and dad saying something about "baby fat", and how its supposedly so cute. Okay great, now the baby is trying to "out-cute" me? Are you KIDDING??? How can anybody get cuter than this? I humbly submit a few cute pictures to state my case. You tell me - what can be cuter?

Yeah that's what I thought. 

Well my work here is done. Its time to throw on my jammies and head off to bed. Be sure to check the video links at the bottom of the page - you'll see one where I'm reading one of my favorite books….I think.

Until next time, Andrew out!

Week 16 - Planning and Prepping

I have some big news for you this week in my battle with my soon-to-be-sibling. I cant say MUCH for fear of tipping my hand, but….

Oh who am I kidding. I can't keep a secret. I'm in training. I'll be fighting for my Legos in no time, so I'm continuing my preparation for the big showdown. Last time we talked I was just building walls but this time - I'm building ME! First I did some weightlifting.

Check out those baby guns! The only bad part is that I'm too strong for this stuff. That's right - TOO STRONG. I'll have to get creative in my workouts now. Improvise. What else can I lift. Let's see here….

My 4 wheeler! I'll just toss this thing in and out of the pool for about an hour now. Yessir, I'll be ripped in no time. Don't lie - I look dangerous now, don't I? Seriously, try to stare me down. Go ahead, I'll wait.

HA! You blinked first. I win again! I can't blame you though, I can be intimidating when I want to be. In fact, look at my newest weapon, the Super-Splash-O-Matic Shoulder Cannon! Say it with me…."I'll be back".

I know I'm showing off a little bit but you get the picture. With every waking moment I'm preparing to defend all that is Lego. I'll have my hands full because that little one keeps growing by leaps and bounds. How do I know this?

Because I did what General Custer should've done. I sent scouts.

Okay, maybe not officially scouts, but one doesn't spend 9-10 months in solitary confinement without making a few friends. I made friends with my neighbors while I was waiting to be born, and they haven't forgotten about me. I paid off mommy's stomach with a few Snickers bars, and in return I get information - LOTS of information. So, what did I hear through the grapevine this week? Well….

My fetal opponent is now the size of an avocado and growing fast. Its legs are growing faster and toenails have sprouted. The baby's entire body is now proportional to its head, which is somewhat of a downer for me because I use to say teasing remarks like "Hey lightbulb!" Now the baby is balanced out and no longer top heavy, so I have to come up with new trash-talking material.

My "source" has also told me that the baby's ears and eyes have now shifted to their proper position. Those eyes are getting useful too - they can sense light and cover their eyes when it gets too bright, which explains why the baby didn't like "Disco Night" at "Club Andrew". (for those interested in "Club Andrew", doors open after school lets out and close when it gets dark outside) Seriously. I installed all of those light-up floor tiles for nothing? I've gotta take them out? Oh the heck I am!

There's also something in a note written about the scalp pattern of the baby growing, but I can't tell if that's what is written because my "sources" ran out of room on the paper that they handed me. I'm not master spy or anything but you'd think they'd come prepared with something more than a pen and a post-it note. Get it together guys, or I'll quit sending food your way!

All is not lost though. I do remember some specifics from the time I spent incarcerated for 10 months. For example, this week that baby should be developing a suction reflex. Why does that matter? Well think about it for a minute - if the baby is sucking, then the baby is drinking….and since the baby has grown taste buds……come on, you know where I'm going with this……come on……

Oh come on, REALLY???? You don't get it??? Agh! I'm dealing with amateurs around here! Absolute Baby Amateurs! Think about it. If the baby can taste bitter, they won't suck as much but if they taste sweet, they'll drink twice as much! SO, all I have to do is send a few pints of ice cream down there and it will be so busy eating it up that it might just forget about coming out! Then I'll have all of these Legos to myself!

I don't pat myself on the back very often, but this plan is foolproof. Seriously, what could go wrong?

Well I know you'd love to sit and read this forever, but I've got more training to do. This body doesn't stay perfect on its own, I've gotta put in some WORK! Before I go though, I will say this - be sure to harass my dad about getting my communiqué out on time. I swear, sometimes I think he's going slow on purpose. Either that or he IS slow. I choose the second answer.

Until next time, Andrew out!