Hey there, baby stalkers! Welcome to week 35!
I hope all of you ate as well as I did this week. My mommy/warden introduced me to something called “Thanksgiving”. I haven’t quite figured out exactly what it is, but I had some of the best food EVER. Bite after bite of delicious sustenance came down the ol’ food tube in true “shock and aww” fashion. And no, I didn’t make a typo there. I meant “aww” instead of “awe”. Why? Because I kept thinking “Aww man, that’s some good food!” I don’t know why they call it Thanksgiving when they should call it “everybody eats until they pop and then falls asleep on the couch”. I like my name better, but I’m guessing the greeting cards would look a little wordy if they did it my way.
Man, time sure is flying! I just realized how close to D-Day I actually am! At this point I could pop out of this fleshy baby-cage without any major problems. Don't believe me? Well, check this out....
My eating/sucking reflex is now developed enough for me to figure out how to eat once I pop out. I know that eating is just second-nature to some of you big-bellied outsiders, but you have to see it from my perspective. So far, I've had all of my food pumped into me through a fun 'n flexy tube, so actually taking food in through my mouth is kind of a big deal. Don't think so? Well then, YOU try eating in a totally different way - say, through your nose - and see how natural it is to you. Unless you can "wow" me with a Snickers up your left nostril, you can keep your criticisms to yourself.
Speaking of developed, you can add my kidneys to the ever-growing list of things on my body that are fully formed. Both of 'em are all grown, in place, and ready to....to....hey dad, what do kidneys do? They make pee? Man, I've been peeing for ages. Are you sure that's all they do? Well folks, I'm sure kidneys do more than make and filter pee, but my genius dad has nothing else to add. He's no doctor, that's for sure. After all, his two remedies for any ailment are always "Walk it off" or "rub some dirt on it".
Continuing on the whole development theme, my lungs are pretty much ready to go. They're basically a hair short of fully cooked. Rest assured that if I was born now, I'd be fine. I might get a cool new bed in the NICU for a little bit but I'd be okay. It'll be refreshing to be able to actually get some air in my lungs and let out my first scream. I've heard daddy do it all through football season, so it MUST be fun. I mean, would he really yell that much if it wasn't? Wait, don't answer that. I forgot to take into account my dad's "short bus" factor.
Speaking of lungs, you wanna hear something wierd? I saw a study the other day that said lungs of a baby girl develop faster than the lungs of a baby boy. At first I was a quite stunned to see this. I mean hey, baby boys end up being quite a bit bigger and stronger than baby girls, so it didn't make sense. But think about it - the ladies NEED to have their lungs developed. It just preps them for all of the nagging and whining that they'll do in the future! HA HA HA HA HA
Oh man, mom sure isn't gonna like that one. But come on, that's funny stuff.
Lastly, I've been stashing away lots of baby fat. Don't judge me though. I don't get a say on how much I eat! Mom's the one shoveling in the cookies and cake! Besides, I don't think of it as fat - its insulation. That's the only reason I'm packing on the pounds. If there wasn't a need to stay warm I'd escape from here looking all lean and cut. Right now I'm between 5.5 and 6 pounds and right around 18" tall. That's pretty big considering I still have 5 weeks to go. And to top it all off, I now have a 99% chance of survival this week. That means you can count on me popping out without any significant problems. Aside from this nasty meanstreak of mine, that is.
I can tell that my time to escape is drawing near. I could be crazy, but it seems like the walls of my cell are getting THINNER. I can actually see more and more light coming through. Hmmmm, maybe I can just charge through one of these walls instead of taking the only exit out? They DEFINITELY wouldn't be expecitng THAT!
Either way, I need to come up with a backup plan. Word in the womb is that mom and dad are going to be waiting on me. I expected mom to be there - she's FORCED to be - but dad too? Alright old man, I see how it is. If you want to wait outside like a prison guard, then be prepared to face my fury. This isn't an escape to freedom anymore. Its a showdown. Expect my battle cry to be ear-piercing. And the attack? Well I won't go into details but it involves YOU and a dirty diaper. And I'll make sure mom takes me to Taco Bell before we meet. It won't be pretty.
Enough about the old man, lets get back to me. What did all of you think about my Baby Bracket? Pretty brilliant, I know. Well in the first week of the bracket we saw a lot of good matchups, and we have now officially said goodbye to HALF of the name candidates. We're down to the Sweet 16 of baby names right now.
Already in the first week we have a couple upset wins! In the Daddy division, 7th seeded Caleb Thomas upset 2nd seeded Brady Asher by a vote of 14 to 7, and 5th seeded James Gage upset 4th seeded Colt Thomas 13 to 8. In the Mommy Division, 3rd seed Johnathan Mason fell to Jackson Andrew 15 to 6, and in the Godfather Division, 4th seed Charles Mason fell to Anthony William 16 to 4. The Godmother Division had an upset as well. 4th seed Jeremy Allen got smacked by Parker Reid, 13 to 7.
Wow. It looks like people don’t like the middle name “Mason” very much. Two fell in one week! Will your favorite name make it to the Elite 8? Be sure to vote and make your voice heard! Remember, the winning name goes into the delivery room with us so make sure its a good one.
That's it for now folks! Be sure to come back next week for the latest in Baby News. Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-Baby Boy Joiner
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Week 34 - Baby Name Madness
Hello there, guys 'n gals! Its time for your Week 34 update.
From here on out, you won't really hear much about any changes going on. To tell you the truth, there's not much left to work on in here. I'm pretty much the spitting image of perfection as-is. No need for improvements because honestly, I don't think its possible! I'm looking good, I'm ready to rock, all I'm doing now is getting bigger and bigger.
That's the one thing that WILL be changing. My weight continues its sharp rise from week to week. Right now I'm just about a hair under 5 pounds and a little under 18 inches tall. How do I know that? Because I'm a GENIUS. Hey, don't ask silly questions unless you want a silly answer. When I say it, you can take it as gospel!
I guess the biggest announcement this week is that I'm starting to shift down. I've already turned down into the head-first escape position, but now I'm starting to head that way, towards sweet glorious freedom! If you were to keep a constant eye on mommy, you'd notice that she's now starting to "carry low". More of her baby bulge would be low instead of high. That's right, I used to be riding high but from here on out, I'm riding low! Its more comfortable because I'm hurtin' for extra space. I'm getting heavier and taller, but the room is staying the SAME SIZE.
Yep, no hope for building on an addition. Leg room? HA! That's a thing of the past. I'm all balled up in here, twisted and contorted like a pretzel. Is this an elbow or knee....I can't tell! For the next 6 weeks I'll be stuck in this fetal crash position. Yay. And yes, take the lack of appropriate punctuation there as DEEP, BITING SARCASM. And now that the amniotic fluid levels have stabilized, that means less and less cushion for me. I'm just laying against the walls and floor in here. No sign of a mattress or even one of those kindergarten nap mats. Yeah, good luck slipping off into dreamland in these conditions.
Oh, here's a good little nugget of info for you all - my liver is almost fully formed. That means I can process regular amounts of waste without any problem. Now I know what you're thinking. The word "liver" isn't one of those words that you're EVER excited to hear about. Case in point - nobody likes to eat liver. NOBODY. Trust me, if it was a tasty treat they would've found a way to work it onto a Value Menu somehow. Also, you never really think about your OWN liver unless its bad news. Nobody runs around screaming to the hills that "MY LIVER RULES!" Sorry liver, but you just don't get top billing in this world. Not even if you're mine.
I did finalize SOMETHING this week, so I should probably mention that. Its something that daddy says I'll be using a LOT in my lifetime - adrenal glands. I don't quite understand why I need cortisol, but he's told me ALL about adrenaline. According to him, I'm going to need a lot of this stuff during football season and also when I become the awesome distance runner that I'm destined to be. If you doubt my future as a runner, just ask my mom what she thinks about me using her as a treadmill and see what kind of reaction you get.
Hmmmmmmm......not much else to tell ya. Oh, I have enough of an immune system to fight off mild infections. Yeah great, not real useful. If your main bragging point is that you can accomplish or stop anything that's "mild", you've still got a ways to go. Hey, look at me accomplish mediocre feats! I can defeat anything MILD! But hey, it beats NO immune system I guess.
Okay, now on to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! The days of the weekly baby name poll are a thing of the past. Well, sort of. You see, mommy and daddy are still having one heck of a time trying to figure out a name for me. I've suggested a few, my godmamma has suggested a few, and over the course of the past several months we've assembled a list of "contenders". Every week, you guys 'n gals would tell me what you thought of each. You'll be happy to know that it wasn't all in vain.
Mom and dad have decided to arm themselves with a list of 4 or 5 names, and then decide when they actually see me after my escape. So I thought to myself, "Why not let all of my FANS help out?" And that, dear readers, is when my young yet incredibly powerful mind came up with perhaps the greatest idea ever thought up in the history of man.
I call it "The Baby Bracket". Not the most imaginative title in the world but hey, it's been a long week. Cut me some slack.
So what does it do? Well, we have 32 names in the running. 8 names per division, seeded 1 through 8. A name earned its "seeding" through the results of those weekly polls. The net result of positive and negative votes made up a score. The top 4 scores earn a #1 seeding, the next 4 earn a #2, and so on. There are 4 Divisions - The Mommy Division, Daddy Division, Godmother Division, and Godfather Division.
Each week, instead of voting on a single pair of names, you'll vote on MULTIPLE pairs of names! Your votes will decide which names move on from week to week, and the name that "wins" in the final week will be the name that will be added to mommy and daddy's list as one of the name possibilities! Just think - you can help pick out my actual NAME! Pretty cool huh?
I've wiped all of the old baby name polls off of the blog. Every poll that is there is a NEW poll for you to vote on. Since we start with 32 names, you have 16 different polls to vote on in week one, so get busy! In addition, if you'd like to "up the ante" a bit, feel free to download the actual graphic of the poll, fill it out, and email it back with your predictions on how you think things will go. Whoever gets the most correct bracket wins a super-cool, super-secret baby prize! Email them to my dad at joiner74@msn.com and he'll do all the dirty work and handle these for me. Yeah, he's like my secretary on this...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you'll find the actual Baby Bracket. It will get updated every week when the voting results come in! Keep in mind to vote early, as the voting period will end on Thursday evening instead of Friday morning like they are now.
Okay, you've got a lot of work to do, so start voting! This is where things really get interesting.
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
From here on out, you won't really hear much about any changes going on. To tell you the truth, there's not much left to work on in here. I'm pretty much the spitting image of perfection as-is. No need for improvements because honestly, I don't think its possible! I'm looking good, I'm ready to rock, all I'm doing now is getting bigger and bigger.
That's the one thing that WILL be changing. My weight continues its sharp rise from week to week. Right now I'm just about a hair under 5 pounds and a little under 18 inches tall. How do I know that? Because I'm a GENIUS. Hey, don't ask silly questions unless you want a silly answer. When I say it, you can take it as gospel!
I guess the biggest announcement this week is that I'm starting to shift down. I've already turned down into the head-first escape position, but now I'm starting to head that way, towards sweet glorious freedom! If you were to keep a constant eye on mommy, you'd notice that she's now starting to "carry low". More of her baby bulge would be low instead of high. That's right, I used to be riding high but from here on out, I'm riding low! Its more comfortable because I'm hurtin' for extra space. I'm getting heavier and taller, but the room is staying the SAME SIZE.
Yep, no hope for building on an addition. Leg room? HA! That's a thing of the past. I'm all balled up in here, twisted and contorted like a pretzel. Is this an elbow or knee....I can't tell! For the next 6 weeks I'll be stuck in this fetal crash position. Yay. And yes, take the lack of appropriate punctuation there as DEEP, BITING SARCASM. And now that the amniotic fluid levels have stabilized, that means less and less cushion for me. I'm just laying against the walls and floor in here. No sign of a mattress or even one of those kindergarten nap mats. Yeah, good luck slipping off into dreamland in these conditions.
Oh, here's a good little nugget of info for you all - my liver is almost fully formed. That means I can process regular amounts of waste without any problem. Now I know what you're thinking. The word "liver" isn't one of those words that you're EVER excited to hear about. Case in point - nobody likes to eat liver. NOBODY. Trust me, if it was a tasty treat they would've found a way to work it onto a Value Menu somehow. Also, you never really think about your OWN liver unless its bad news. Nobody runs around screaming to the hills that "MY LIVER RULES!" Sorry liver, but you just don't get top billing in this world. Not even if you're mine.
I did finalize SOMETHING this week, so I should probably mention that. Its something that daddy says I'll be using a LOT in my lifetime - adrenal glands. I don't quite understand why I need cortisol, but he's told me ALL about adrenaline. According to him, I'm going to need a lot of this stuff during football season and also when I become the awesome distance runner that I'm destined to be. If you doubt my future as a runner, just ask my mom what she thinks about me using her as a treadmill and see what kind of reaction you get.
Hmmmmmmm......not much else to tell ya. Oh, I have enough of an immune system to fight off mild infections. Yeah great, not real useful. If your main bragging point is that you can accomplish or stop anything that's "mild", you've still got a ways to go. Hey, look at me accomplish mediocre feats! I can defeat anything MILD! But hey, it beats NO immune system I guess.
Okay, now on to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! The days of the weekly baby name poll are a thing of the past. Well, sort of. You see, mommy and daddy are still having one heck of a time trying to figure out a name for me. I've suggested a few, my godmamma has suggested a few, and over the course of the past several months we've assembled a list of "contenders". Every week, you guys 'n gals would tell me what you thought of each. You'll be happy to know that it wasn't all in vain.
Mom and dad have decided to arm themselves with a list of 4 or 5 names, and then decide when they actually see me after my escape. So I thought to myself, "Why not let all of my FANS help out?" And that, dear readers, is when my young yet incredibly powerful mind came up with perhaps the greatest idea ever thought up in the history of man.
I call it "The Baby Bracket". Not the most imaginative title in the world but hey, it's been a long week. Cut me some slack.
So what does it do? Well, we have 32 names in the running. 8 names per division, seeded 1 through 8. A name earned its "seeding" through the results of those weekly polls. The net result of positive and negative votes made up a score. The top 4 scores earn a #1 seeding, the next 4 earn a #2, and so on. There are 4 Divisions - The Mommy Division, Daddy Division, Godmother Division, and Godfather Division.
Each week, instead of voting on a single pair of names, you'll vote on MULTIPLE pairs of names! Your votes will decide which names move on from week to week, and the name that "wins" in the final week will be the name that will be added to mommy and daddy's list as one of the name possibilities! Just think - you can help pick out my actual NAME! Pretty cool huh?
I've wiped all of the old baby name polls off of the blog. Every poll that is there is a NEW poll for you to vote on. Since we start with 32 names, you have 16 different polls to vote on in week one, so get busy! In addition, if you'd like to "up the ante" a bit, feel free to download the actual graphic of the poll, fill it out, and email it back with your predictions on how you think things will go. Whoever gets the most correct bracket wins a super-cool, super-secret baby prize! Email them to my dad at joiner74@msn.com and he'll do all the dirty work and handle these for me. Yeah, he's like my secretary on this...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you'll find the actual Baby Bracket. It will get updated every week when the voting results come in! Keep in mind to vote early, as the voting period will end on Thursday evening instead of Friday morning like they are now.
Okay, you've got a lot of work to do, so start voting! This is where things really get interesting.
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, November 13, 2009
Week 33 - The Checklist
Hey there Baby Fans! Welcome to week 33. Less than 50 days are left in my mommy-prison sentence, so lets get down to business. I don't have all day to sit here and write. I've got an escape to plan, dammit!
The plan is coming together quite nicely. I've left nothing to chance in this scheme to free myself from these fleshy confinements. I've drawn a map of the escape route and printed it out to keep in my back pocket until the day arrives when I......Wait a minute. No back pockets?!!!!! Where am I supposed to keep things? Well, I suppose I could just tape it to my wall in here and hope it doesn't fall down. Hang on a second. I need to go pilfer some office supplies from mommy's desk.
****BABY INTERMISSION - THIS MEANS A BREAK FOR ME, NOT A BRIEF PAUSE****
Okay I'm back now, and the map has been secured. What's that? How did I manage to get something in here that was way out there? Well I'll spare you the details, but let me just say that this umbilical cord has MANY uses. If I keep this up I'll be a rodeo champion by the age of 4 with these lasso skills. The only question now is how to get the tape dispenser back on her desk without anyone being suspicious. Fire alarm maybe? Ah, no matter. I'll get it back there somehow. And don't you readers start feeling any sort of sympathy for my warden mother. It could've been worse, I could've gone for the stapler and staple remover instead of the tape!
Alongside my map I've also taped up a laundry list of things to do before I am able to make a successful escape attempt. Item number one - Operation: Heavy Breathing. This is my plan to make sure my lungs are fully grown before I bust out. After all, I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side, so I must assume the worst. Guard dogs, machine gun turrets, Jehovah's Witnesses - I must outrun them all! Luckily my mom and dad have good runner genes so I should be able to get away. My lungs are all but complete now, like the Death Star in the first Star Wars movie. But unlike that monstrosity there are no weaknesses on my surface to exploit. I have no weaknesses. Try to find one at your own peril!
Next on the list, vision. All of that running won't do me any good if I can't see what I'm running FROM. This needs a little more work than the lungs, but it IS getting better. Gone are the days of recognizing spots of light and dark. I've evolved to the point that I can tell the difference between day and night! No more wondering when I should set the DVR for the next football game - I'm pretty much dialed in to when things happen now. With this knowledge I can now plan the perfect TIME in which to escape. Did you hear that Placenta? We strike at dawn.
Placenta? Placenta! Curse you, you dimwitted glob! I don't know WHY I teamed up with you in here. You are one of the most useless compatriots I've ever had the displeasure of sharing a cell with. No more! After our prison break, you're on your own. I'll head out first to make sure the coast is clear, then you follow me after that. And don't try to hold me back! I know you can't run as fast as I can, and I'm not about to get thrown back IN there after working so hard on this plan. If you get caught little man, God help you.
Item number 3 on the list - stabilize my environment. I've found a way to keep a consistent level of amniotic fluid in here. While I won't give away the FULL measure of my plans I WILL say that bubble gum has many uses. Its great stuff, it just seems to plug any leak you can find. So from here on out, I'll have this same amount of fluid to float around in. Not that I do much floating, mind you. I'm more or less WEDGED into position now. I've already had my position given away by the doctor at our last visit to the hospital. She pinpointed my EXACT location to my warden mom and dad, even going so far as to show them where my head was. That evil woman almost blew my cover! Way to go lady. Like its not hard enough being inconspicuous when I'm sticking out of my mom's tummy like the biggest sore thumb ever?!
Moving down the list, I now find myself at a step that even I have a hard time believing. I'm getting even SMARTER?!!! How the devil did this happen? Its true though, and the more my brain grows the more my HEAD grows. This past week my head has grown by about 3/8"! Good thing the bones in my skull are really pliable. Can you imagine trying to sneak outta THAT escape tunnel with a head this size? Good lord, it'd be like trying to bowl through a coffee straw. Not that my head is bowling ball size or anything but lets face it - I'm doomed to have a massive noggin. Just look at my dad. His head is so big, smaller heads are in orbit around him!
Next up - Operation: Greased Pig. This means I've gotta work on the coating of vernix that's all over my body. The more of it there is, the easier I'll just slide through on the way to freedom. In contrast I've now lost all of that lanugo that used to cover me from head to toe. I won't miss it either - who needs a fur coat in here? Last time I checked the thermostat it was what, 96 degrees? Holy cow, its 98.6! I don't need a fur coat Mother Nature, I need a pair of shorts and a big floppy hat!
Number 6 on the Escape Prep List is my favorite. Why? Because it refers to FOOD. Right now I'm stashing away a cache of glycogen in my liver. I'll continue to hoard more and more of this stuff until the Day of the Great Escape. I'll need all of that stored energy to wriggle free, run to safety, and maybe buy a ticket to Vegas. Okay, scratch the ticket - I don't have enough saved up just yet, but everything else is a must-do! Although most of it is being saved, I'm using a LITTLE bit to swing my perfectly-proportioned arms and legs around now in my training. I've got my stride down-pat, and I've learned to pump my arms in time with my legs too. The Warden thinks I'm just "kicking her ribs", so she hasn't gotten wise to my plan just yet. That's right woman, you keep believing that.
"Kicking", she says. And I'M the one that's the child. HA!
Lastly I must brace myself for the germ-laden world that awaits me. In a cunning move, I've tapped into the Warden's own immune system and claimed it as my own. While mine gets stronger, I draw from HERS as well. By the time I get outta here mine will be able to fend off a good bit of germs and bacteria. Oh, and while I'm at it I decided to start stealing calcium from mom as well. Whether she takes in a lot or a little, I get everything I need by stealing it from her. I'll even go so far as to leech it from her very own bones! I need it finish up with my skeletal hardening, and if she didn't want me to steal from her then she should've built a bigger wall. You can't keep me away, woman! I'll take what I want!
So that's it - my to-do list. My pre-flight check. Call it whatever you will. Now that I've completed everything on there, my escape could come at any day. I'm just getting ready to.....what? What the devil is this? Someone posted an addendum to my list? Who in the world could've....Placenta!!!!! How could you DO this? I'm sitting here ready to escape and now you've given me extra things to do before I bust out of here? What kind of partner ARE you? You do NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING - for 33 weeks and then all of a sudden you post an addendum?! You'll pay for this Placenta. Oh yes. You will pay.
Okay stalkers, its time to wrap this thing up so I can go give Placenta a piece of my mind. I almost forgot to mention my height and weight this week too! I'm at about 4.5 pounds and 17.5" tall this week. Daddy says that's the size of your average adult duck. DUCK???? Seriously old man? This is the BEST comparison you could come up with? You went from comparing me to food to comparing me to a water fowl? When do the embarassing comparisons end? When I reach adulthood are you going to say, "Hey look, you're the same size as that homeless guy over there."? What the devil does that accomplish? You're a strange one, old man. My patience for you is running short.
Now before I go, I just want to make a quick announcement. This is the LAST day that we'll be doing a baby name of the week poll......as YOU know it. As of next week, we're going to start a new system that will boggle your mind. You'll be asked to contribute more than ever before, you'll be more involved in my life than ever before, and in the end you (yes YOU) may very well end up picking the very name that I will be saddled with for the rest of my days! So get excited, because its going to be a lot of fun!
And with that - the baby name of the week poll. First name is "Gavin Lawson Joiner", and the second (not to mention LAST) name up for voting, "Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr". Hey, why not? We had enough people suggest it to make it an actual voting option, so I figured we should squeeze it in here before the last day. So that's it Baby Fans! The last names in the poll. No more NEW names will be submitted from this point on. So what are we doing NEXT week you ask? "Heh heh heh", I reply. Wait and see!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
The plan is coming together quite nicely. I've left nothing to chance in this scheme to free myself from these fleshy confinements. I've drawn a map of the escape route and printed it out to keep in my back pocket until the day arrives when I......Wait a minute. No back pockets?!!!!! Where am I supposed to keep things? Well, I suppose I could just tape it to my wall in here and hope it doesn't fall down. Hang on a second. I need to go pilfer some office supplies from mommy's desk.
****BABY INTERMISSION - THIS MEANS A BREAK FOR ME, NOT A BRIEF PAUSE****
Okay I'm back now, and the map has been secured. What's that? How did I manage to get something in here that was way out there? Well I'll spare you the details, but let me just say that this umbilical cord has MANY uses. If I keep this up I'll be a rodeo champion by the age of 4 with these lasso skills. The only question now is how to get the tape dispenser back on her desk without anyone being suspicious. Fire alarm maybe? Ah, no matter. I'll get it back there somehow. And don't you readers start feeling any sort of sympathy for my warden mother. It could've been worse, I could've gone for the stapler and staple remover instead of the tape!
Alongside my map I've also taped up a laundry list of things to do before I am able to make a successful escape attempt. Item number one - Operation: Heavy Breathing. This is my plan to make sure my lungs are fully grown before I bust out. After all, I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side, so I must assume the worst. Guard dogs, machine gun turrets, Jehovah's Witnesses - I must outrun them all! Luckily my mom and dad have good runner genes so I should be able to get away. My lungs are all but complete now, like the Death Star in the first Star Wars movie. But unlike that monstrosity there are no weaknesses on my surface to exploit. I have no weaknesses. Try to find one at your own peril!
Next on the list, vision. All of that running won't do me any good if I can't see what I'm running FROM. This needs a little more work than the lungs, but it IS getting better. Gone are the days of recognizing spots of light and dark. I've evolved to the point that I can tell the difference between day and night! No more wondering when I should set the DVR for the next football game - I'm pretty much dialed in to when things happen now. With this knowledge I can now plan the perfect TIME in which to escape. Did you hear that Placenta? We strike at dawn.
Placenta? Placenta! Curse you, you dimwitted glob! I don't know WHY I teamed up with you in here. You are one of the most useless compatriots I've ever had the displeasure of sharing a cell with. No more! After our prison break, you're on your own. I'll head out first to make sure the coast is clear, then you follow me after that. And don't try to hold me back! I know you can't run as fast as I can, and I'm not about to get thrown back IN there after working so hard on this plan. If you get caught little man, God help you.
Item number 3 on the list - stabilize my environment. I've found a way to keep a consistent level of amniotic fluid in here. While I won't give away the FULL measure of my plans I WILL say that bubble gum has many uses. Its great stuff, it just seems to plug any leak you can find. So from here on out, I'll have this same amount of fluid to float around in. Not that I do much floating, mind you. I'm more or less WEDGED into position now. I've already had my position given away by the doctor at our last visit to the hospital. She pinpointed my EXACT location to my warden mom and dad, even going so far as to show them where my head was. That evil woman almost blew my cover! Way to go lady. Like its not hard enough being inconspicuous when I'm sticking out of my mom's tummy like the biggest sore thumb ever?!
Moving down the list, I now find myself at a step that even I have a hard time believing. I'm getting even SMARTER?!!! How the devil did this happen? Its true though, and the more my brain grows the more my HEAD grows. This past week my head has grown by about 3/8"! Good thing the bones in my skull are really pliable. Can you imagine trying to sneak outta THAT escape tunnel with a head this size? Good lord, it'd be like trying to bowl through a coffee straw. Not that my head is bowling ball size or anything but lets face it - I'm doomed to have a massive noggin. Just look at my dad. His head is so big, smaller heads are in orbit around him!
Next up - Operation: Greased Pig. This means I've gotta work on the coating of vernix that's all over my body. The more of it there is, the easier I'll just slide through on the way to freedom. In contrast I've now lost all of that lanugo that used to cover me from head to toe. I won't miss it either - who needs a fur coat in here? Last time I checked the thermostat it was what, 96 degrees? Holy cow, its 98.6! I don't need a fur coat Mother Nature, I need a pair of shorts and a big floppy hat!
Number 6 on the Escape Prep List is my favorite. Why? Because it refers to FOOD. Right now I'm stashing away a cache of glycogen in my liver. I'll continue to hoard more and more of this stuff until the Day of the Great Escape. I'll need all of that stored energy to wriggle free, run to safety, and maybe buy a ticket to Vegas. Okay, scratch the ticket - I don't have enough saved up just yet, but everything else is a must-do! Although most of it is being saved, I'm using a LITTLE bit to swing my perfectly-proportioned arms and legs around now in my training. I've got my stride down-pat, and I've learned to pump my arms in time with my legs too. The Warden thinks I'm just "kicking her ribs", so she hasn't gotten wise to my plan just yet. That's right woman, you keep believing that.
"Kicking", she says. And I'M the one that's the child. HA!
Lastly I must brace myself for the germ-laden world that awaits me. In a cunning move, I've tapped into the Warden's own immune system and claimed it as my own. While mine gets stronger, I draw from HERS as well. By the time I get outta here mine will be able to fend off a good bit of germs and bacteria. Oh, and while I'm at it I decided to start stealing calcium from mom as well. Whether she takes in a lot or a little, I get everything I need by stealing it from her. I'll even go so far as to leech it from her very own bones! I need it finish up with my skeletal hardening, and if she didn't want me to steal from her then she should've built a bigger wall. You can't keep me away, woman! I'll take what I want!
So that's it - my to-do list. My pre-flight check. Call it whatever you will. Now that I've completed everything on there, my escape could come at any day. I'm just getting ready to.....what? What the devil is this? Someone posted an addendum to my list? Who in the world could've....Placenta!!!!! How could you DO this? I'm sitting here ready to escape and now you've given me extra things to do before I bust out of here? What kind of partner ARE you? You do NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING - for 33 weeks and then all of a sudden you post an addendum?! You'll pay for this Placenta. Oh yes. You will pay.
Okay stalkers, its time to wrap this thing up so I can go give Placenta a piece of my mind. I almost forgot to mention my height and weight this week too! I'm at about 4.5 pounds and 17.5" tall this week. Daddy says that's the size of your average adult duck. DUCK???? Seriously old man? This is the BEST comparison you could come up with? You went from comparing me to food to comparing me to a water fowl? When do the embarassing comparisons end? When I reach adulthood are you going to say, "Hey look, you're the same size as that homeless guy over there."? What the devil does that accomplish? You're a strange one, old man. My patience for you is running short.
Now before I go, I just want to make a quick announcement. This is the LAST day that we'll be doing a baby name of the week poll......as YOU know it. As of next week, we're going to start a new system that will boggle your mind. You'll be asked to contribute more than ever before, you'll be more involved in my life than ever before, and in the end you (yes YOU) may very well end up picking the very name that I will be saddled with for the rest of my days! So get excited, because its going to be a lot of fun!
And with that - the baby name of the week poll. First name is "Gavin Lawson Joiner", and the second (not to mention LAST) name up for voting, "Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr". Hey, why not? We had enough people suggest it to make it an actual voting option, so I figured we should squeeze it in here before the last day. So that's it Baby Fans! The last names in the poll. No more NEW names will be submitted from this point on. So what are we doing NEXT week you ask? "Heh heh heh", I reply. Wait and see!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, November 6, 2009
Week 32 - Time to Settle Down
Yeah, I know I'm starting to sound old like daddy when I say that, but its time to settle down a bit. By settling down, I don't mean I'm getting married. After all my life is just starting, not ending! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Oops. I don't think mommy liked that joke. Okay, moving on.....
Back to my heading - I'm settling down. That doesn't mean marriage and it doesn't mean I'm getting old and slow like daddy. I'm MINUS 8 weeks old for goodness sakes! You can't get much younger than that! What I mean by settling down is my position in here. Its time to finalize my little baby rotation and point due south. I'm more or less pointing that way already but now I'll kinda lock into place. I'll still kick mommy in the ribs (much to her dismay) and I'll still roll around a little, but for the most part I'm settled down. Now I'm like a baby fighter jet, getting ready to be launched off the desk of an aircraft carrier! Not to say mommy is the size of an aircraft carrier or anything. I just.......
Oh wow. I don't think mommy's going to like the blog this week. I seem to be saying all the wrong things this week. That's okay though, I'll just blame it on daddy and she'll take out her frustration on him instead. I'm not even born yet, and I've already learned the subtle art of passing the blame to someone else. That's me, BabyBoy Joiner, WAY ahead of the curve!
From here on out, I'm putting everything on cruise control. Pretty much everything on me is fully developed, so I just sit around for weeks putting on weight. Ordering pizza, watching lots of tv, sneaking some leftover halloween candy - I gain weight whichever way I can. This week is pretty much the most mobile that I will be until I escape. I'll still move, but its with less intensity and frequency. You can't blame me for conserving energy though. Its a long path to baby liberation, and I'll need all my energy to push, kick, and squirm my way out of here! And then whatever excess energy I have will be relegated to my vocal cords as I scream in the name of freedom. Kinda like that movie Braveheart, but without the messy disembowelment at the end.
I'm also sleeping about 90-95% of the time now. To be quite honest there's really no point to staying awake for very long when you're living in a room that's just a tiny bit better than you are. Don't know what its like? Try this little experiment - go find a cardboard appliance box (fridge, washer/dryer, etc, etc) and crawl inside. Now sit there and wait for another 8 weeks and don't move much. Kinda stinks doesn't it? Yeah, you'd sleep too if you were looking at the EXACT same scenery since April! Not only that, but you couldn't get much exercise in, so you'd probably plump up a little, just like me. So don't judge me!! I may be a little portly when I escape this gooey fleshy prison, but once I'm out I'll be hitting the treadmill. I just need help reaching the buttons. They're a little too high for me.
Weight gain is indeed the name of the game. I'm up to about 4 pounds now, and about 17" tall. And if that isn't cool enough, I'll double my body weight in the next 8 weeks! Yeah, how about that? That should put me right on my target weight of 8-10 pounds. Already I've seen most of my little wrinkles disappear because of the weight gain. I'm developed enough now that I'd have a 90% chance of survival if I escaped right here and now, so my little body is pretty much ready to go!
If you could see into my little inner workings, you'd see that my lungs are nearly mature now. My digestive tract is almost fully developed also, so I'm ready for mommy to "tap a keg" and let me start eating asap! My own immune system is getting stronger with each week that passes. I'm relying less on my mom's defenses and more on my own. That being said, I'm glad she's keeping me safe from all of those outside germs. Speaking of germs, daddy got better and then had a little cold relapse, so he's still quarantined away from the rest of us. No worries, he doesn't have a fever or anything so he'll be fine. Besides, you know my dad. Its not like he has to be right NEXT to mom's belly for me to hear him. For God's sake, you can hear that man from SPACE.
You know the tagline for the first "Alien" movie? "In space, no one can hear you scream." Those people obviously never sat next to my dad at a football game. True story - did you know that one year at UF graduation, my dad sat in the very top row at the O-Dome and yelled for a friend of his who was graduating? Yeah, the guy said he heard my dad, and that his voice was actually drowning out all of the applause and other noise. What can I say? The man's got a big mouth. Big news flash, huh?
So what am I up to in these last couple weeks? Dude, I already told you - I'm up to 17 inches! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, uh, sorry. I guess my sense of humor hasn't really matured along with the rest of me. Hey, I take my entertainment when I can get it. That's pretty apparent when you look at a list of my daily activities. They include:
Blinking
Looking around
Grabbing things
Doing the Gator Chomp
Making faces
Practicing breathing
Peeing
Listening to daddy rant and rave
Practicing rooting
Yeah, rooting. And I don't mean, "Come on Gators, get up and go!" I mean the rooting that'll get some food in my tummy. I've learned the technique of rolling my head around to find the ol' baby food tap. Now that I have that on the list of things to practice, I'll be able to eat without anybody prompting me to do it, or putting in a dang IV or something.
Did I mention that I can tell that its fall outside? Yeah, and it has nothing to do with NOT hearing daddy complain about "the damn heat". I'm actually sensitive to temperature now. If I get too hot or too cold, I get really fussy. Its a good thing its fall in Florida, so its not really too hot OR too cold. Its nice and comfortable outside. And when I'm born and it DOES get cold outside, its definitely not a problem because my Godmomma's Momma (would that be a "Grandgodmamma"?) made me a little matching hat and blanket to wear. Thank you, Godmomma and Grandgodmomma! They're my favorite color too - Gator Blue!
With all of this development going on, I have a lot to be thankful for in here. Nothing strange going on in here, I've got ten fingers and toes and all of that junk. But after all of these weeks, I am disappointed in one thing. My bones. Back in the day I was SURE these things would be at LEAST stainless steel right now, if not tougher. But nope, I've got soft little baby bones. Don't get me wrong, everything is fully formed and good to go, but they're still pliable. And they DEFINITELY aren't unbreakable/bulletproof. This doesn't fit into my plans but I guess its a shortcoming that I'll just have to accept. I'm going to have to grow up with just regular ol' bones.
Its not all bad news though. From what I hear in my womb-to-womb connections with other babies, the bones NEED to be a little soft and have a little give to them for my Great Escape. That escape hatch and tunnel aren't very big so it looks like I'll have to get squished and twist up to get through there. Its either that or I bust outta this place like an Alien, so there BETTER be enough room! Until then though, I'm just going to sit back in mature, putting finishing touches on this masterpiece of a baby we all know as ME.
Alright, now its time for the names of the week. These two are submitted by my godmomma who decided to give it another try. To be honest, she actually submitted these names LAST week but she made the mistake of passing these names along to my dad. He then proceeded to lose them. Geez. Hey, next time just send them to the source okay? If you make my daddy the middleman, things are going to get lost in the translation. In this case, he LOST THE FREAKIN' NAMES!!!!
But enough of his shortcomings, and on to the names! This week our choices are "Brady Asher Joiner" and "Preston Marley Joiner". What do you think? Go vote and let me know! Oh, and next week will be the LAST time we have a baby name poll. After that comes something much, MUCH better! Its almost time to unveil my new baby name masterpiece, so stay tuned!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Oops. I don't think mommy liked that joke. Okay, moving on.....
Back to my heading - I'm settling down. That doesn't mean marriage and it doesn't mean I'm getting old and slow like daddy. I'm MINUS 8 weeks old for goodness sakes! You can't get much younger than that! What I mean by settling down is my position in here. Its time to finalize my little baby rotation and point due south. I'm more or less pointing that way already but now I'll kinda lock into place. I'll still kick mommy in the ribs (much to her dismay) and I'll still roll around a little, but for the most part I'm settled down. Now I'm like a baby fighter jet, getting ready to be launched off the desk of an aircraft carrier! Not to say mommy is the size of an aircraft carrier or anything. I just.......
Oh wow. I don't think mommy's going to like the blog this week. I seem to be saying all the wrong things this week. That's okay though, I'll just blame it on daddy and she'll take out her frustration on him instead. I'm not even born yet, and I've already learned the subtle art of passing the blame to someone else. That's me, BabyBoy Joiner, WAY ahead of the curve!
From here on out, I'm putting everything on cruise control. Pretty much everything on me is fully developed, so I just sit around for weeks putting on weight. Ordering pizza, watching lots of tv, sneaking some leftover halloween candy - I gain weight whichever way I can. This week is pretty much the most mobile that I will be until I escape. I'll still move, but its with less intensity and frequency. You can't blame me for conserving energy though. Its a long path to baby liberation, and I'll need all my energy to push, kick, and squirm my way out of here! And then whatever excess energy I have will be relegated to my vocal cords as I scream in the name of freedom. Kinda like that movie Braveheart, but without the messy disembowelment at the end.
I'm also sleeping about 90-95% of the time now. To be quite honest there's really no point to staying awake for very long when you're living in a room that's just a tiny bit better than you are. Don't know what its like? Try this little experiment - go find a cardboard appliance box (fridge, washer/dryer, etc, etc) and crawl inside. Now sit there and wait for another 8 weeks and don't move much. Kinda stinks doesn't it? Yeah, you'd sleep too if you were looking at the EXACT same scenery since April! Not only that, but you couldn't get much exercise in, so you'd probably plump up a little, just like me. So don't judge me!! I may be a little portly when I escape this gooey fleshy prison, but once I'm out I'll be hitting the treadmill. I just need help reaching the buttons. They're a little too high for me.
Weight gain is indeed the name of the game. I'm up to about 4 pounds now, and about 17" tall. And if that isn't cool enough, I'll double my body weight in the next 8 weeks! Yeah, how about that? That should put me right on my target weight of 8-10 pounds. Already I've seen most of my little wrinkles disappear because of the weight gain. I'm developed enough now that I'd have a 90% chance of survival if I escaped right here and now, so my little body is pretty much ready to go!
If you could see into my little inner workings, you'd see that my lungs are nearly mature now. My digestive tract is almost fully developed also, so I'm ready for mommy to "tap a keg" and let me start eating asap! My own immune system is getting stronger with each week that passes. I'm relying less on my mom's defenses and more on my own. That being said, I'm glad she's keeping me safe from all of those outside germs. Speaking of germs, daddy got better and then had a little cold relapse, so he's still quarantined away from the rest of us. No worries, he doesn't have a fever or anything so he'll be fine. Besides, you know my dad. Its not like he has to be right NEXT to mom's belly for me to hear him. For God's sake, you can hear that man from SPACE.
You know the tagline for the first "Alien" movie? "In space, no one can hear you scream." Those people obviously never sat next to my dad at a football game. True story - did you know that one year at UF graduation, my dad sat in the very top row at the O-Dome and yelled for a friend of his who was graduating? Yeah, the guy said he heard my dad, and that his voice was actually drowning out all of the applause and other noise. What can I say? The man's got a big mouth. Big news flash, huh?
So what am I up to in these last couple weeks? Dude, I already told you - I'm up to 17 inches! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, uh, sorry. I guess my sense of humor hasn't really matured along with the rest of me. Hey, I take my entertainment when I can get it. That's pretty apparent when you look at a list of my daily activities. They include:
Blinking
Looking around
Grabbing things
Doing the Gator Chomp
Making faces
Practicing breathing
Peeing
Listening to daddy rant and rave
Practicing rooting
Yeah, rooting. And I don't mean, "Come on Gators, get up and go!" I mean the rooting that'll get some food in my tummy. I've learned the technique of rolling my head around to find the ol' baby food tap. Now that I have that on the list of things to practice, I'll be able to eat without anybody prompting me to do it, or putting in a dang IV or something.
Did I mention that I can tell that its fall outside? Yeah, and it has nothing to do with NOT hearing daddy complain about "the damn heat". I'm actually sensitive to temperature now. If I get too hot or too cold, I get really fussy. Its a good thing its fall in Florida, so its not really too hot OR too cold. Its nice and comfortable outside. And when I'm born and it DOES get cold outside, its definitely not a problem because my Godmomma's Momma (would that be a "Grandgodmamma"?) made me a little matching hat and blanket to wear. Thank you, Godmomma and Grandgodmomma! They're my favorite color too - Gator Blue!
With all of this development going on, I have a lot to be thankful for in here. Nothing strange going on in here, I've got ten fingers and toes and all of that junk. But after all of these weeks, I am disappointed in one thing. My bones. Back in the day I was SURE these things would be at LEAST stainless steel right now, if not tougher. But nope, I've got soft little baby bones. Don't get me wrong, everything is fully formed and good to go, but they're still pliable. And they DEFINITELY aren't unbreakable/bulletproof. This doesn't fit into my plans but I guess its a shortcoming that I'll just have to accept. I'm going to have to grow up with just regular ol' bones.
Its not all bad news though. From what I hear in my womb-to-womb connections with other babies, the bones NEED to be a little soft and have a little give to them for my Great Escape. That escape hatch and tunnel aren't very big so it looks like I'll have to get squished and twist up to get through there. Its either that or I bust outta this place like an Alien, so there BETTER be enough room! Until then though, I'm just going to sit back in mature, putting finishing touches on this masterpiece of a baby we all know as ME.
Alright, now its time for the names of the week. These two are submitted by my godmomma who decided to give it another try. To be honest, she actually submitted these names LAST week but she made the mistake of passing these names along to my dad. He then proceeded to lose them. Geez. Hey, next time just send them to the source okay? If you make my daddy the middleman, things are going to get lost in the translation. In this case, he LOST THE FREAKIN' NAMES!!!!
But enough of his shortcomings, and on to the names! This week our choices are "Brady Asher Joiner" and "Preston Marley Joiner". What do you think? Go vote and let me know! Oh, and next week will be the LAST time we have a baby name poll. After that comes something much, MUCH better! Its almost time to unveil my new baby name masterpiece, so stay tuned!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 30, 2009
Week 31 - I Missed Daddy!
Yeah, you heard right. I said I missed my daddy. Wanna make something of it? Sure I know I bust his chops pretty much incessantly on here, but its nice to have the guy around. The entertainment factor ALONE is plenty of reason to keep his goofy butt nearby at all times. So where was he?
Incarcerated.
Okay, not in JAIL or anything, but he spent the past week in a self-imposed lockdown state in a makeshift "man cave" across the hall from my future room. He started getting sick on Friday and had to leave work - and anybody that knows daddy knows how he HATES to use a sick day. He's been down in that room from last Friday up until Thursday evening. That's nearly a full week of seclusion!
Laugh all you want, but I've missed the little games he plays with me. Our little "tap, tap, KICK" game is a lot of fun. True, I have to dumb down my conversations with him a little so he can keep up, but I think it'll help him out in the long run. And lets be honest, I feel like I'm doing a public service by keeping this guy busy....and away from bugging the rest of the world! Talk about taking a bullet - don't say I never did anything for you guys!
Have no fear, Baby Stalkers. My dad fought off whatever that was in his system and is back to full speed. Now he's free to roam the entire house once again. Just keep him out of my room, mom! I don't need that germ-infested buffoon polluting my territory! If ANYONE is to spread germs in that room, it will be ME!
Soooooo, what's new with you guys? I always start out by talking about me, but let's hear about you. Go ahead and spill it, I'll wait.
Nah I'm just kidding, I would never do that. I wanted to emote just enough to make you question everything you knew about me, then turn around and hit you with an open-handed slap of reality. This is all about me. SHAME on you for thinking otherwise. This isn't dudesandchicksthatreadaboutababy.blogspot.com - this is joinerbaby.blogspot.com! That's it, breathe deep. Inhale all of that baby attitude in the air. There's a Joiner Baby on the horizon. Brace for impact!
Its a pretty slow news week in here, so this shouldn't take very long. The big news this week would be my continuing improvement of my little immune system. Its GOT to get stronger in case daddy brings home more germs. The only other noteworthy system that hasn't fully developed yet is my respiratory system. My lungs aren't QUITE done "cooking" in here just yet. This fluid stuff is pretty easy to push in and out of my lungs, but I hear air can be a real pain in the butt. It shouldn't take much longer though. Just a few more weeks and they'll be ready to go - then I'll be ready to go!
One thing that probably NEVER finishes is the whole learning process. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know everything I need to know already. I've got quite a fine eat-sleep-pee routine going....is there really anything else to life than that? Well, if there's any more to learn I'm sure I'll just pick it up as I go. It should pretty easy to do now also, since I'm developed enough to process information from ALL 5 SENSES! That means not only do I recognize sounds, smells, touches, etc., but I also have the ability to remember them! I think its both a blessing AND a curse though. Some things you wish you could UN-see. Or UN-smell, in the case of daddy. Dear Lord, what has that man been eating?
Man, I must be out of it this week. I almost forgot to tell you the weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! Prepare to be impressed - I'm up to 3.5lbs this week and over 16" tall! Like I told you previously, I'll be putting on about 1/2 pound per week up until birth. That should put me somewhere in the 8lb range....maybe a little more if I can sneak some midnight snacks in here. I wonder if Papa Johns can deliver pizza in here?
All of that weight and baby height is making things kinda tight in here. In fact, I'm kinda forced to stay in this one position now. My arms and legs have to stay close to my body just because I'm running out of room. Amazingly enough, this is called the "fetal position". Wow, how inventive. I can only imagine the naming rights were given to the same moronic doctors that named "brown fat". Way to go fellas. Nothing screams creatively quite like giving something the most VANILLA of names.
So here I am, all bunched up into a big fat baby ball. But that doesn't mean I'm not moving anymore! I still stretch my arms and legs a couple times a day, making sure to plant my feet squarely into the bottom of my mom's ribcage. My arms have no real target so they'll usually either pummel an organ or two OR I pound away at the outside wall just to remind everyone that I'm coming soon. I can still roll my whole body around too, and that's a lot of fun. It also seems to get quite a reaction from mom and dad, so I'll have to remember that little trick for the first time I get into trouble.
Oh and one more thing for ya. Although my skeleton is formed, my actual skull is still pretty soft. Don't worry I'm not defective - we all know I'm perfect! The real reason for this is so everything can move and flex as need be in order for me to slip out of the escape hatch and enter the outside world! After that, the little skull bone plates will slowly but surely fuse together and then I'll have a hard head. Just like daddy!
Did I tell you about my skin? I'm phasing out the whole red color and going for more of a pink-colored skin now. Before it was red because the main thing for you to see would be the blood under my skin. Now those extra layers of fat that I'm adding are diluting that color down a little. Sooooooo, a strong red eventually becomes pink! Don't look at me that way though, I didn't pick the color. If it were up to me, my skin would much cooler than that. It would be orange and blue - or camo.
Alright folks I've got a busy day ahead of me, so I'm gonna throw a few new baby name choices at ya and head out. I was really busy growing this week, and with daddy locked away in his "man cave" I tapped my Godmother again for name choices. She sent them to Daddy, he said thanks, and then when I asked him what she sent over he realized that he accidentally deleted them.
Wow. All that time in the man cave went to your brain old man! It made you downright loopy! So instead he decided to pull a few names out of a hat and see if any of them would stick. The name selections this week are "Dylan Andrew Joiner" and "Anthony Miles Joiner". When I asked him why "Miles", he said "what better name for a future marathon runner?" Not the best way to pick a name but hey, who am I to judge?
That's it for week 31. Don't forget to check out the 3D musical slideshow in my video clips! Its really awesome! Daddy did it for me. Yeah I outsourced the work to him so I still had my nights free, so what? It looks pretty cool though and you can see the pictures better on there because they show up bigger. OR you can go on youtube and subscribe to our channel "thejoinerfamily", and you can see all of our videos there as well!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Incarcerated.
Okay, not in JAIL or anything, but he spent the past week in a self-imposed lockdown state in a makeshift "man cave" across the hall from my future room. He started getting sick on Friday and had to leave work - and anybody that knows daddy knows how he HATES to use a sick day. He's been down in that room from last Friday up until Thursday evening. That's nearly a full week of seclusion!
Laugh all you want, but I've missed the little games he plays with me. Our little "tap, tap, KICK" game is a lot of fun. True, I have to dumb down my conversations with him a little so he can keep up, but I think it'll help him out in the long run. And lets be honest, I feel like I'm doing a public service by keeping this guy busy....and away from bugging the rest of the world! Talk about taking a bullet - don't say I never did anything for you guys!
Have no fear, Baby Stalkers. My dad fought off whatever that was in his system and is back to full speed. Now he's free to roam the entire house once again. Just keep him out of my room, mom! I don't need that germ-infested buffoon polluting my territory! If ANYONE is to spread germs in that room, it will be ME!
Soooooo, what's new with you guys? I always start out by talking about me, but let's hear about you. Go ahead and spill it, I'll wait.
Nah I'm just kidding, I would never do that. I wanted to emote just enough to make you question everything you knew about me, then turn around and hit you with an open-handed slap of reality. This is all about me. SHAME on you for thinking otherwise. This isn't dudesandchicksthatreadaboutababy.blogspot.com - this is joinerbaby.blogspot.com! That's it, breathe deep. Inhale all of that baby attitude in the air. There's a Joiner Baby on the horizon. Brace for impact!
Its a pretty slow news week in here, so this shouldn't take very long. The big news this week would be my continuing improvement of my little immune system. Its GOT to get stronger in case daddy brings home more germs. The only other noteworthy system that hasn't fully developed yet is my respiratory system. My lungs aren't QUITE done "cooking" in here just yet. This fluid stuff is pretty easy to push in and out of my lungs, but I hear air can be a real pain in the butt. It shouldn't take much longer though. Just a few more weeks and they'll be ready to go - then I'll be ready to go!
One thing that probably NEVER finishes is the whole learning process. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know everything I need to know already. I've got quite a fine eat-sleep-pee routine going....is there really anything else to life than that? Well, if there's any more to learn I'm sure I'll just pick it up as I go. It should pretty easy to do now also, since I'm developed enough to process information from ALL 5 SENSES! That means not only do I recognize sounds, smells, touches, etc., but I also have the ability to remember them! I think its both a blessing AND a curse though. Some things you wish you could UN-see. Or UN-smell, in the case of daddy. Dear Lord, what has that man been eating?
Man, I must be out of it this week. I almost forgot to tell you the weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! Prepare to be impressed - I'm up to 3.5lbs this week and over 16" tall! Like I told you previously, I'll be putting on about 1/2 pound per week up until birth. That should put me somewhere in the 8lb range....maybe a little more if I can sneak some midnight snacks in here. I wonder if Papa Johns can deliver pizza in here?
All of that weight and baby height is making things kinda tight in here. In fact, I'm kinda forced to stay in this one position now. My arms and legs have to stay close to my body just because I'm running out of room. Amazingly enough, this is called the "fetal position". Wow, how inventive. I can only imagine the naming rights were given to the same moronic doctors that named "brown fat". Way to go fellas. Nothing screams creatively quite like giving something the most VANILLA of names.
So here I am, all bunched up into a big fat baby ball. But that doesn't mean I'm not moving anymore! I still stretch my arms and legs a couple times a day, making sure to plant my feet squarely into the bottom of my mom's ribcage. My arms have no real target so they'll usually either pummel an organ or two OR I pound away at the outside wall just to remind everyone that I'm coming soon. I can still roll my whole body around too, and that's a lot of fun. It also seems to get quite a reaction from mom and dad, so I'll have to remember that little trick for the first time I get into trouble.
Oh and one more thing for ya. Although my skeleton is formed, my actual skull is still pretty soft. Don't worry I'm not defective - we all know I'm perfect! The real reason for this is so everything can move and flex as need be in order for me to slip out of the escape hatch and enter the outside world! After that, the little skull bone plates will slowly but surely fuse together and then I'll have a hard head. Just like daddy!
Did I tell you about my skin? I'm phasing out the whole red color and going for more of a pink-colored skin now. Before it was red because the main thing for you to see would be the blood under my skin. Now those extra layers of fat that I'm adding are diluting that color down a little. Sooooooo, a strong red eventually becomes pink! Don't look at me that way though, I didn't pick the color. If it were up to me, my skin would much cooler than that. It would be orange and blue - or camo.
Alright folks I've got a busy day ahead of me, so I'm gonna throw a few new baby name choices at ya and head out. I was really busy growing this week, and with daddy locked away in his "man cave" I tapped my Godmother again for name choices. She sent them to Daddy, he said thanks, and then when I asked him what she sent over he realized that he accidentally deleted them.
Wow. All that time in the man cave went to your brain old man! It made you downright loopy! So instead he decided to pull a few names out of a hat and see if any of them would stick. The name selections this week are "Dylan Andrew Joiner" and "Anthony Miles Joiner". When I asked him why "Miles", he said "what better name for a future marathon runner?" Not the best way to pick a name but hey, who am I to judge?
That's it for week 31. Don't forget to check out the 3D musical slideshow in my video clips! Its really awesome! Daddy did it for me. Yeah I outsourced the work to him so I still had my nights free, so what? It looks pretty cool though and you can see the pictures better on there because they show up bigger. OR you can go on youtube and subscribe to our channel "thejoinerfamily", and you can see all of our videos there as well!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 23, 2009
Week 30 - Planning the Escape
Hey there Baby Stalkers! Its time for your Week 30 update.
Wow, its week 30. Or as I like to call it, "10 Weeks to zero-hour". Time is running short, and I need to finalize my plans for escape. I've already made the big turn and have myself pointed due south. I've found the escape hatch but I can't get this thing to budge. Curse you, maternal roadblock! I want to get out of here already.
Fair enough. If you won't move, then I'll just have to get bigger and move you myself. And it won't take long either. Right now I'm up to nearly 16" tall and am a little over 3 pounds. Its not just 3 pounds of flab either - you should check out my Baby Guns. Seriously, go check out those 3D pics from two weeks ago. I had big beefy arms THEN, so just add two weeks of weight training on top of that and you'll have a good idea of what I've got going on in here. With this kind of development going on, it won't be long before I make my mistake.
Thick. Rugged. Tough. Words that are synonymous with BabyBoy Joiner.
So what's new? Not a whole lot to be honest. Other than the fact that this room seems to be getting smaller and smaller, its pretty much business as usual in here. I guess the big thing that's going on is the seemingly endless brain growth that's going on right now. Its getting all "ridgy" and "foldy" looking. It kinda looks like something you would've found in the back of daddy's fridge in his wild bachelor days.
No I don't know that from experience but mommy told me stories about some of the science experiments she found in the back of the bottom shelf. Oh lord, the bottom shelf! It was uncharted territory. Explorers tried to map it several times and never returned. It wasn't pretty. Food that hit the bottom shelf was never the same if you ever tried to retrieve it for the purposes of consumption. Ugh.....
But enough about daddy's old fridge. This isn't the daddy's fridge blog - its the Daddy's Baby Boy Blog! So let's move on to another subject. How about my eyesight for starters! Its still developing, but improving every day. I still can't see very far or very clearly. Anything more than a foot away isn't going to be in focus at all, but honestly I don't HAVE to see very far in here. I can't read the eye chart at the DMV just yet though. Its a little bit of a letdown because I wanna hit the road. And before my dad starts trying to hide his car keys let me just say this-
Save your strength old man. I don't want the keys to your car. I want the keys to mom's! Oh gee let me see, I could drive around in a BMW or a Saturn. Wow, such a tough decision. By the way I hope your sarcasm-o-meter redlined during all of that faux debating. Something tells me that when I go cruising for chicks, they won't be wowed by dad's little econobox. Besides, I wanna go FAST! Blame my mom for the speed obsession.
Here's something else that'll enhance my "chick-magnet" status - I'm shedding! Yep, chicks like a guy who sheds. But unlike your fuzzy little lap dog I won't repeatedly shed. This shedding is all of the lanugo on my body. Remember the lanugo? Well, there's no more need for my little baby fur coat since I've got all of this baby fat on my body now. Besides, what kind of guy wears a fur coat? I can only think of one cool guy that wore a fur coat. That was Joe Namath, and even HE looked pretty freakin' creepy in it. So goodbye baby fur coat! It was nice knowin' ya, but ya gotta go!
With all of that baby fuzz going bye-bye, I've noticed that my skin is getting smoother. No more wrinkles! All of that is thanks to my baby fat that I'm packing on. I know what this means though - once I pop outta here people are going to find me irresistible. I mean, I KNOW I am already, but having that baby soft skin means all kinds of people are going to be trying to touch me. Keep your hands to yourselves, Outsiders! I need my space. Don't touch, and don't PINCH!
And now, a list of things that have either finished growing or are nearly finished. My fingernails and toenails are now completely finished. Yep, now I can claw and scratch my way outta here if I need to. Also, my lungs and digestive tract are just about done cooking too! At this point, breathing wouldn't be such a chore for me anymore. I've been practicing so much in here that my lungs are plenty strong. And the digestive tract.....you know what that does. Do you really want the gross details?
I did you the favor of NOT grossing you out, and now I'm about to do everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy - another big favor. A lot of times I'm laying around in here minding my own business, and mommy puts her hand on me and asks me what she's feeling. Seriously woman, can you not tell the difference between a butt and an elbow? Well, I get tired of hearing the same question over and over again so I decided to throw her a bone and explain things to her. The rest of you get the benefits of her bad guesses....and I expect you to USE this knowledge! Consider this your baby bump secret decoder ring. Here's what to look for:
If you see or feel a hard, round lump - its either my head or my butt. No jokes here people, I've heard 'em all.
If you see or feel a long flat surface - thats my back, fool!
If you see or feel smaller flat segments - arms and legs baby!
If you see or feel little circular spots - that's my baby fists of fury! Fear them, for they bring power and pain.
There you have it. Don't say I never gave you anything!
Okay, time for the baby names of the week! This week we're taking one suggestion from mommy and one from daddy. Technically daddy gave two suggestions, but once I told him that he couldn't suggest "Charles Bronson" for me, he scratched that and went with the other. I won't tell you who suggested what because I don't want to bias the polls. Just tell me which ones you like!
This week the suggestions are "Caleb Thomas Joiner" and "Franklin Mason Joiner". What do you think? Go to the right side of the page and vote! The poll is right below all of the pictures. Remember, just a few more weeks until we unveil the coolest Baby Naming Activity in the history of baby naming. Get ready to get interactive - with a little bit of luck, you can actually WIN. And the winner gets cool stuff. But you have to act quickly! So keep your eyes on the blogs every week for something new and exciting!!!
And keep your eyes open for a new video post at the bottom on the page. Daddy has something new and cool to upload, so as soon as he gets off his big rump and DOES it, you'll have something fun to watch. It'll be posted BEFORE the next blog, so keep checking back!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Wow, its week 30. Or as I like to call it, "10 Weeks to zero-hour". Time is running short, and I need to finalize my plans for escape. I've already made the big turn and have myself pointed due south. I've found the escape hatch but I can't get this thing to budge. Curse you, maternal roadblock! I want to get out of here already.
Fair enough. If you won't move, then I'll just have to get bigger and move you myself. And it won't take long either. Right now I'm up to nearly 16" tall and am a little over 3 pounds. Its not just 3 pounds of flab either - you should check out my Baby Guns. Seriously, go check out those 3D pics from two weeks ago. I had big beefy arms THEN, so just add two weeks of weight training on top of that and you'll have a good idea of what I've got going on in here. With this kind of development going on, it won't be long before I make my mistake.
Thick. Rugged. Tough. Words that are synonymous with BabyBoy Joiner.
So what's new? Not a whole lot to be honest. Other than the fact that this room seems to be getting smaller and smaller, its pretty much business as usual in here. I guess the big thing that's going on is the seemingly endless brain growth that's going on right now. Its getting all "ridgy" and "foldy" looking. It kinda looks like something you would've found in the back of daddy's fridge in his wild bachelor days.
No I don't know that from experience but mommy told me stories about some of the science experiments she found in the back of the bottom shelf. Oh lord, the bottom shelf! It was uncharted territory. Explorers tried to map it several times and never returned. It wasn't pretty. Food that hit the bottom shelf was never the same if you ever tried to retrieve it for the purposes of consumption. Ugh.....
But enough about daddy's old fridge. This isn't the daddy's fridge blog - its the Daddy's Baby Boy Blog! So let's move on to another subject. How about my eyesight for starters! Its still developing, but improving every day. I still can't see very far or very clearly. Anything more than a foot away isn't going to be in focus at all, but honestly I don't HAVE to see very far in here. I can't read the eye chart at the DMV just yet though. Its a little bit of a letdown because I wanna hit the road. And before my dad starts trying to hide his car keys let me just say this-
Save your strength old man. I don't want the keys to your car. I want the keys to mom's! Oh gee let me see, I could drive around in a BMW or a Saturn. Wow, such a tough decision. By the way I hope your sarcasm-o-meter redlined during all of that faux debating. Something tells me that when I go cruising for chicks, they won't be wowed by dad's little econobox. Besides, I wanna go FAST! Blame my mom for the speed obsession.
Here's something else that'll enhance my "chick-magnet" status - I'm shedding! Yep, chicks like a guy who sheds. But unlike your fuzzy little lap dog I won't repeatedly shed. This shedding is all of the lanugo on my body. Remember the lanugo? Well, there's no more need for my little baby fur coat since I've got all of this baby fat on my body now. Besides, what kind of guy wears a fur coat? I can only think of one cool guy that wore a fur coat. That was Joe Namath, and even HE looked pretty freakin' creepy in it. So goodbye baby fur coat! It was nice knowin' ya, but ya gotta go!
With all of that baby fuzz going bye-bye, I've noticed that my skin is getting smoother. No more wrinkles! All of that is thanks to my baby fat that I'm packing on. I know what this means though - once I pop outta here people are going to find me irresistible. I mean, I KNOW I am already, but having that baby soft skin means all kinds of people are going to be trying to touch me. Keep your hands to yourselves, Outsiders! I need my space. Don't touch, and don't PINCH!
And now, a list of things that have either finished growing or are nearly finished. My fingernails and toenails are now completely finished. Yep, now I can claw and scratch my way outta here if I need to. Also, my lungs and digestive tract are just about done cooking too! At this point, breathing wouldn't be such a chore for me anymore. I've been practicing so much in here that my lungs are plenty strong. And the digestive tract.....you know what that does. Do you really want the gross details?
I did you the favor of NOT grossing you out, and now I'm about to do everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy - another big favor. A lot of times I'm laying around in here minding my own business, and mommy puts her hand on me and asks me what she's feeling. Seriously woman, can you not tell the difference between a butt and an elbow? Well, I get tired of hearing the same question over and over again so I decided to throw her a bone and explain things to her. The rest of you get the benefits of her bad guesses....and I expect you to USE this knowledge! Consider this your baby bump secret decoder ring. Here's what to look for:
If you see or feel a hard, round lump - its either my head or my butt. No jokes here people, I've heard 'em all.
If you see or feel a long flat surface - thats my back, fool!
If you see or feel smaller flat segments - arms and legs baby!
If you see or feel little circular spots - that's my baby fists of fury! Fear them, for they bring power and pain.
There you have it. Don't say I never gave you anything!
Okay, time for the baby names of the week! This week we're taking one suggestion from mommy and one from daddy. Technically daddy gave two suggestions, but once I told him that he couldn't suggest "Charles Bronson" for me, he scratched that and went with the other. I won't tell you who suggested what because I don't want to bias the polls. Just tell me which ones you like!
This week the suggestions are "Caleb Thomas Joiner" and "Franklin Mason Joiner". What do you think? Go to the right side of the page and vote! The poll is right below all of the pictures. Remember, just a few more weeks until we unveil the coolest Baby Naming Activity in the history of baby naming. Get ready to get interactive - with a little bit of luck, you can actually WIN. And the winner gets cool stuff. But you have to act quickly! So keep your eyes on the blogs every week for something new and exciting!!!
And keep your eyes open for a new video post at the bottom on the page. Daddy has something new and cool to upload, so as soon as he gets off his big rump and DOES it, you'll have something fun to watch. It'll be posted BEFORE the next blog, so keep checking back!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 16, 2009
Week 29 - Growin' Like a Weed
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to week 29!
What's that? No rhyming this week? Dang right. Lets be honest - it started to get a little hokey and contrived, so I ditched that in an effort to squeeze in even MORE baby blogging action! Don't complain, and don't cry. We're all adults here. SURELY you can find a word that rhymes with "nine" all by yourself.
If you can't - heaven help you.
I made the cut because there is just too much to talk about this week. If I lumped together all of my physical growth and new activities, etc. it would just take up too much space. I've learned that the attention span of the average adult "outsider" is about the length of a commercial or two, so why stretch things out? I think the only way I could double the length of my weekly blog and keep your attention would be to throw in random pictures of football games and bikini contests to keep you focused. Or wait, that might just work for daddy only.
So before I make this thing LONGER in an attempt to make it SHORTER, lets get the ball rolling! First of as always is the Baby Tale of the Tape. Right now I'm around 15"-16" tall, and weighing between 2.5 and 3 pounds.. From here on out, I should gain about a half pound per week (I'm at about 3.5% body fat right now), and will be 2 to 3 times my current weight when I finally escape. I won't get that much taller though, but don't say I didn't warn ya. I'll be a full-blown buddha baby, and there's no hiding that because now there's PROOF of my weight gain.
Proof? That's right. Pictures AND video evidence that I've been grabbing bits and pieces of the pasta, ice cream, and other goodies that my mom's been throwing down the ol' food tube. When the lady at the ultrasound place wasn't looking, I managed to log into their computer and stole a few pictures and video clips. Don't give me that look. I mean, can it REALLY be called stealing? Its all pictures of ME, so lets not make it a big deal. Anyone caught trying to rat me out to the cops will taste the full force of my baby fury! And don't think I won't do it - I already kicked my dad in the head this week when he was trying to listen in on what I was doing. That's what he gets for being nosey. Stay out of my room!!!
You can see some of those pictures over on the right side of the page. I put up a couple of my favorite ones. My personal favorite is where I'm raising my fist to show my Supreme Baby Power. I'll have you know that they took most of these pictures WITHOUT my consent. In fact, I was sleeping through some of them. But once I woke up and found out what they were doing, I erupted in an anger-filled wave of action, swinging my arms and kicking my legs. I also tried to yell at them to go away, but I couldn't make much noise with all of this fluid in here. Plus they thought I was yawning and said it was cute. Damn you people - I'm not cute, I'm angry!
As you can tell by my writing, my brain is still growing. Billions of neurons are forming daily. Yeah that's right, BILLIONS with a "B". Don't even try to challenge me in a game of scrabble right now because it would be ALL OVER for you. The only way I can lose is if I stop resisting the urge to eat those letter tiles. They look so good, and they're made to be bite-sized! What else am I supposed to do with them?
Because my brain is growing so quickly, my head has to expand as well to accomodate this awesome baby brain of mine. And you better back off and give it room too, because my brain does all sorts of cool things now. Its developed to the point that it can control nice, rhythmic breathing all by itself now. No more prompts from mom or anywhere else - my breathing is officially on auto-pilot. And the best part of it is that my lungs have now grown to the point that I can breathe air! Just in time too, because this whole breathing liquid thing is for the birds. Or more appropriately, for the fishes!
All of this growing has to be fueled by something, so I'm stealing more and more of the food that mommy eats every day. She doesn't realize it yet, but I siphon off quite a bit....but I still need more! Specifically calcium. I've GOTTA get my calcium. Man I soak that stuff up like a sponge. I can't get enough. Seriously. Hey mom, are you listening? I CAN'T GET ENOUGH CALCIUM. Nobody has ever died from a calcium overdose, so drink that glass of milk like daddy keeps saying. Trust me, I need it for stronger bones. My bones are all formed now, but they're still a little soft and pliable. They're not at ALL like the stainless steel frame I was expecting to have by this point. To say I'm a little disappointed there is an understatement. It looks like regular bones will have to do.
And speaking of bones, here's another fun fact for ya. My bone marrow is now completely in charge of the production of red blood cells. No more stealing from mommy, everything is my own. This segues nicely into my vocabulary word of the week - hematopoiesis. Go ahead and look it up, I'll wait.
***BABY INTERMISSION WHILE YOU GO GRAB YOUR WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY OR LOOK IT UP ONLINE***
For those of you who can't look it up, hematopoiesis deals with the building up all the important blood components. My little spleen now takes care of all of that. Day by day, I'm becoming more and more self-sufficient, and less and less dependent on the whims of my maternal baby carrier. You hear that mother? I'm turning into a perfect storm of independent attitude and unbridled baby rage! I won't be a slave to your egg sandwich diet, or your odd addiction to salsa. I'm my own man, dammit!
Um......hey mom? I'm getting kinda hungry in here. Can you throw down on a turkey sandwich or something? Please? Love you!
Ok, I think she's gone now. That crazy woman is torturing me with all of those egg sandwiches. She should be nice to me too, because from here on out she won't be feeling those big kicks and punches as much. Its not that I'm playing nice all of a sudden though. To be honest, I'm running out of room! I don't have the room to wind up and unleash a huge punch or kick anymore. So rather than pound away at her with huge blows, I have no choice but to poke her into submission with a flurry of elbows, knees, and heels.
I've got one last thing for ya before we move onto the baby names of the week. I told you a couple weeks back that I was able to "see" light and dark in here. Well, things are getting even better now. I can not only see the light, but I'll turn my head in that direction to look at it! You can't blame me for doing it though, as a shiny light is about the most awesome thing I've seen so far. I'm drawn to it! And in the past day or so, I've been able to actually move my EYES around to follow the light instead of moving my head around all the time. I'm "practicing to see", and I'm starting to learn how to focus. Daddy says this is important for a photographer, but what kinda crazy man would wanna be a photographer?
Oh.....wait. Nevermind. I guess I know what kind of crazy person would want to be one!
Let's get off that awkward moment and get right to the baby names of the week. Even though I did a pretty good job of picking names last week (according to the voting), I decided to let my Godmomma Teresa handle the name pickin' duties this week. Her submissions for this week are "Parker Reid Joiner" and "Logan Riley Joiner". Go to the right side of the page and let me know what you think!
Until next time, Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
What's that? No rhyming this week? Dang right. Lets be honest - it started to get a little hokey and contrived, so I ditched that in an effort to squeeze in even MORE baby blogging action! Don't complain, and don't cry. We're all adults here. SURELY you can find a word that rhymes with "nine" all by yourself.
If you can't - heaven help you.
I made the cut because there is just too much to talk about this week. If I lumped together all of my physical growth and new activities, etc. it would just take up too much space. I've learned that the attention span of the average adult "outsider" is about the length of a commercial or two, so why stretch things out? I think the only way I could double the length of my weekly blog and keep your attention would be to throw in random pictures of football games and bikini contests to keep you focused. Or wait, that might just work for daddy only.
So before I make this thing LONGER in an attempt to make it SHORTER, lets get the ball rolling! First of as always is the Baby Tale of the Tape. Right now I'm around 15"-16" tall, and weighing between 2.5 and 3 pounds.. From here on out, I should gain about a half pound per week (I'm at about 3.5% body fat right now), and will be 2 to 3 times my current weight when I finally escape. I won't get that much taller though, but don't say I didn't warn ya. I'll be a full-blown buddha baby, and there's no hiding that because now there's PROOF of my weight gain.
Proof? That's right. Pictures AND video evidence that I've been grabbing bits and pieces of the pasta, ice cream, and other goodies that my mom's been throwing down the ol' food tube. When the lady at the ultrasound place wasn't looking, I managed to log into their computer and stole a few pictures and video clips. Don't give me that look. I mean, can it REALLY be called stealing? Its all pictures of ME, so lets not make it a big deal. Anyone caught trying to rat me out to the cops will taste the full force of my baby fury! And don't think I won't do it - I already kicked my dad in the head this week when he was trying to listen in on what I was doing. That's what he gets for being nosey. Stay out of my room!!!
You can see some of those pictures over on the right side of the page. I put up a couple of my favorite ones. My personal favorite is where I'm raising my fist to show my Supreme Baby Power. I'll have you know that they took most of these pictures WITHOUT my consent. In fact, I was sleeping through some of them. But once I woke up and found out what they were doing, I erupted in an anger-filled wave of action, swinging my arms and kicking my legs. I also tried to yell at them to go away, but I couldn't make much noise with all of this fluid in here. Plus they thought I was yawning and said it was cute. Damn you people - I'm not cute, I'm angry!
As you can tell by my writing, my brain is still growing. Billions of neurons are forming daily. Yeah that's right, BILLIONS with a "B". Don't even try to challenge me in a game of scrabble right now because it would be ALL OVER for you. The only way I can lose is if I stop resisting the urge to eat those letter tiles. They look so good, and they're made to be bite-sized! What else am I supposed to do with them?
Because my brain is growing so quickly, my head has to expand as well to accomodate this awesome baby brain of mine. And you better back off and give it room too, because my brain does all sorts of cool things now. Its developed to the point that it can control nice, rhythmic breathing all by itself now. No more prompts from mom or anywhere else - my breathing is officially on auto-pilot. And the best part of it is that my lungs have now grown to the point that I can breathe air! Just in time too, because this whole breathing liquid thing is for the birds. Or more appropriately, for the fishes!
All of this growing has to be fueled by something, so I'm stealing more and more of the food that mommy eats every day. She doesn't realize it yet, but I siphon off quite a bit....but I still need more! Specifically calcium. I've GOTTA get my calcium. Man I soak that stuff up like a sponge. I can't get enough. Seriously. Hey mom, are you listening? I CAN'T GET ENOUGH CALCIUM. Nobody has ever died from a calcium overdose, so drink that glass of milk like daddy keeps saying. Trust me, I need it for stronger bones. My bones are all formed now, but they're still a little soft and pliable. They're not at ALL like the stainless steel frame I was expecting to have by this point. To say I'm a little disappointed there is an understatement. It looks like regular bones will have to do.
And speaking of bones, here's another fun fact for ya. My bone marrow is now completely in charge of the production of red blood cells. No more stealing from mommy, everything is my own. This segues nicely into my vocabulary word of the week - hematopoiesis. Go ahead and look it up, I'll wait.
***BABY INTERMISSION WHILE YOU GO GRAB YOUR WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY OR LOOK IT UP ONLINE***
For those of you who can't look it up, hematopoiesis deals with the building up all the important blood components. My little spleen now takes care of all of that. Day by day, I'm becoming more and more self-sufficient, and less and less dependent on the whims of my maternal baby carrier. You hear that mother? I'm turning into a perfect storm of independent attitude and unbridled baby rage! I won't be a slave to your egg sandwich diet, or your odd addiction to salsa. I'm my own man, dammit!
Um......hey mom? I'm getting kinda hungry in here. Can you throw down on a turkey sandwich or something? Please? Love you!
Ok, I think she's gone now. That crazy woman is torturing me with all of those egg sandwiches. She should be nice to me too, because from here on out she won't be feeling those big kicks and punches as much. Its not that I'm playing nice all of a sudden though. To be honest, I'm running out of room! I don't have the room to wind up and unleash a huge punch or kick anymore. So rather than pound away at her with huge blows, I have no choice but to poke her into submission with a flurry of elbows, knees, and heels.
I've got one last thing for ya before we move onto the baby names of the week. I told you a couple weeks back that I was able to "see" light and dark in here. Well, things are getting even better now. I can not only see the light, but I'll turn my head in that direction to look at it! You can't blame me for doing it though, as a shiny light is about the most awesome thing I've seen so far. I'm drawn to it! And in the past day or so, I've been able to actually move my EYES around to follow the light instead of moving my head around all the time. I'm "practicing to see", and I'm starting to learn how to focus. Daddy says this is important for a photographer, but what kinda crazy man would wanna be a photographer?
Oh.....wait. Nevermind. I guess I know what kind of crazy person would want to be one!
Let's get off that awkward moment and get right to the baby names of the week. Even though I did a pretty good job of picking names last week (according to the voting), I decided to let my Godmomma Teresa handle the name pickin' duties this week. Her submissions for this week are "Parker Reid Joiner" and "Logan Riley Joiner". Go to the right side of the page and let me know what you think!
Until next time, Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
