Week 35 - Eating Like a King

Hey there, baby stalkers! Welcome to week 35!

I hope all of you ate as well as I did this week. My mommy/warden introduced me to something called “Thanksgiving”. I haven’t quite figured out exactly what it is, but I had some of the best food EVER. Bite after bite of delicious sustenance came down the ol’ food tube in true “shock and aww” fashion. And no, I didn’t make a typo there. I meant “aww” instead of “awe”. Why? Because I kept thinking “Aww man, that’s some good food!” I don’t know why they call it Thanksgiving when they should call it “everybody eats until they pop and then falls asleep on the couch”. I like my name better, but I’m guessing the greeting cards would look a little wordy if they did it my way.

Man, time sure is flying! I just realized how close to D-Day I actually am! At this point I could pop out of this fleshy baby-cage without any major problems. Don't believe me? Well, check this out....

My eating/sucking reflex is now developed enough for me to figure out how to eat once I pop out. I know that eating is just second-nature to some of you big-bellied outsiders, but you have to see it from my perspective. So far, I've had all of my food pumped into me through a fun 'n flexy tube, so actually taking food in through my mouth is kind of a big deal. Don't think so? Well then, YOU try eating in a totally different way - say, through your nose - and see how natural it is to you. Unless you can "wow" me with a Snickers up your left nostril, you can keep your criticisms to yourself.

Speaking of developed, you can add my kidneys to the ever-growing list of things on my body that are fully formed. Both of 'em are all grown, in place, and ready to....to....hey dad, what do kidneys do? They make pee? Man, I've been peeing for ages. Are you sure that's all they do? Well folks, I'm sure kidneys do more than make and filter pee, but my genius dad has nothing else to add. He's no doctor, that's for sure. After all, his two remedies for any ailment are always "Walk it off" or "rub some dirt on it".

Continuing on the whole development theme, my lungs are pretty much ready to go. They're basically a hair short of fully cooked. Rest assured that if I was born now, I'd be fine. I might get a cool new bed in the NICU for a little bit but I'd be okay. It'll be refreshing to be able to actually get some air in my lungs and let out my first scream. I've heard daddy do it all through football season, so it MUST be fun. I mean, would he really yell that much if it wasn't? Wait, don't answer that. I forgot to take into account my dad's "short bus" factor.

Speaking of lungs, you wanna hear something wierd? I saw a study the other day that said lungs of a baby girl develop faster than the lungs of a baby boy. At first I was a quite stunned to see this. I mean hey, baby boys end up being quite a bit bigger and stronger than baby girls, so it didn't make sense. But think about it - the ladies NEED to have their lungs developed. It just preps them for all of the nagging and whining that they'll do in the future! HA HA HA HA HA

Oh man, mom sure isn't gonna like that one. But come on, that's funny stuff.

Lastly, I've been stashing away lots of baby fat. Don't judge me though. I don't get a say on how much I eat! Mom's the one shoveling in the cookies and cake! Besides, I don't think of it as fat - its insulation. That's the only reason I'm packing on the pounds. If there wasn't a need to stay warm I'd escape from here looking all lean and cut. Right now I'm between 5.5 and 6 pounds and right around 18" tall. That's pretty big considering I still have 5 weeks to go. And to top it all off, I now have a 99% chance of survival this week. That means you can count on me popping out without any significant problems. Aside from this nasty meanstreak of mine, that is.

I can tell that my time to escape is drawing near. I could be crazy, but it seems like the walls of my cell are getting THINNER. I can actually see more and more light coming through. Hmmmm, maybe I can just charge through one of these walls instead of taking the only exit out? They DEFINITELY wouldn't be expecitng THAT!

Either way, I need to come up with a backup plan. Word in the womb is that mom and dad are going to be waiting on me. I expected mom to be there - she's FORCED to be - but dad too? Alright old man, I see how it is. If you want to wait outside like a prison guard, then be prepared to face my fury. This isn't an escape to freedom anymore. Its a showdown. Expect my battle cry to be ear-piercing. And the attack? Well I won't go into details but it involves YOU and a dirty diaper. And I'll make sure mom takes me to Taco Bell before we meet. It won't be pretty.

Enough about the old man, lets get back to me. What did all of you think about my Baby Bracket? Pretty brilliant, I know. Well in the first week of the bracket we saw a lot of good matchups, and we have now officially said goodbye to HALF of the name candidates. We're down to the Sweet 16 of baby names right now.

Already in the first week we have a couple upset wins! In the Daddy division, 7th seeded Caleb Thomas upset 2nd seeded Brady Asher by a vote of 14 to 7, and 5th seeded James Gage upset 4th seeded Colt Thomas 13 to 8. In the Mommy Division, 3rd seed Johnathan Mason fell to Jackson Andrew 15 to 6, and in the Godfather Division, 4th seed Charles Mason fell to Anthony William 16 to 4. The Godmother Division had an upset as well. 4th seed Jeremy Allen got smacked by Parker Reid, 13 to 7.

Wow. It looks like people don’t like the middle name “Mason” very much. Two fell in one week! Will your favorite name make it to the Elite 8? Be sure to vote and make your voice heard! Remember, the winning name goes into the delivery room with us so make sure its a good one.

That's it for now folks! Be sure to come back next week for the latest in Baby News. Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-Baby Boy Joiner