Week 36 - Time Flies!

Hello there Baby Stalkers! Its Week 36, can you believe it? Man, the time is just flying by. Its hard to believe that a mere 37 weeks ago, all of this greatness that you know and love didn't even EXIST. Now I'm here, counting down the days until The Great Escape. One more week and I’ll be considered a “full term” baby. Honestly, I could arrive at any moment now. That whole January 1st due date is just a guess. Did you know that only 5% of babies are born on their due date?

This past week was a busy one. I kicked things off by partying with some of mom and dad's friends in Gainesville. Some of them actually traveled from out of town to come see me! Yeah sure, they SAID it was the game so their obsession wouldn't seem odd, but I know how that game is played. I hadn't met my Uncle Joe, Uncle Bronis, and Aunt Bennett before. Man they were cool! They gave me all sorts of attention (as they should) and we tailgated. No beer for me though. I tried to tell them that I left my I.D. at home but they weren't buying it. I guess I don't look old enough to pull that one off yet.

After that we hit the game and had a great time. That stadium was probably the loudest I've heard it all season. I always have a horrible view though. I can't see through these damn uterine walls! Come on mom. Even FELONS get a window! Is my behavior THAT BAD? True, I do kick you in the ribs nonstop just for my own amusement, and I wait until you're talking to someone really important at work before giving your bladder a squeeze, but at LEAST let me see what's going on! You better hope that dad DVR'd all of these games so I can watch them later, woman. God help you if I miss a single game!

So here I sit in a windowless cell, doing nothing. Getting fatter and fatter by the day. I’m up to about 6.5lbs now (still hanging at about 18” tall), and about 15% of my total body weight at birth will be fat. Some baby expert out there coined the phrase “round babies are healthy babies”. Now I’ve gotta worry about my SHAPE??? Since when in the hell did it become necessary to come out looking like a basketball with appendages?

Don’t get me wrong, I get what he’s saying. Why not just say “FAT babies are healthy babies”? There’s nothing normal about a ROUND child. In fact its quite odd. I’d spend half my time just trying not to roll around. And the diapers, don’t even get me STARTED on what a mess that would be.

If that anonymous doctor wants me to be round, he’s going to be mighty disappointed. I’m not a beach ball for God’s sake. The only thing that’ll be round and fat will be my cheeks. No, the ones on my face you sicko! Between the layers of baby fat and the workout that they get from suckling practice, I look like a little chipmunk. Um, without the tail.

With all of this “soft round” talk, I’d just like to say that not everything on me is mushy. Quite the opposite. My bones continue to harden every day. They STILL haven’t turned into stainless steel though, I can’t really figure out what went wrong there. I still have this funky little gap in my head where the bones don’t quite meet. I like to think of it as my brain just being too big. The DOCTOR has her own opinion though. She keeps claiming that it’s a necessity for delivery and that my head with actually push into a weird cone shape when I finally escape.

Then again, what the HELL does she know? She hasn’t seen my plans. There’s no way she knows which route I plan to take. True my options are limited, but I REFUSE to think that she has outsmarted me. Unless……PLACENTA! Did you give the doctor a copy of my plans?? You IDIOT!!! Now I have to start from scratch! That’s it, I’m not helping you out anymore. I cast you out of Club Baby! You’ll have to find your way out of here on your own.

What? Yes there’s a Club Baby in here! If you were fetal-sized and able to travel, you might be able to get in here. Of course, you’d never get past the velvet rope unless I allow it. That’s right, I own the club and handle security. Okay, maybe its not a super BIG club. And its not really a velvet rope. I just kinda hold up the umbilical cord and make sure it stays in the way. Hey, its worked so far. I’ve kept everyone out!

One other “unmushy” thing that I’ve got are my gums. They’re actually pretty solid, and they have little bumps and ridges that look a little like teeth. No, I don’t have my teeth in yet. Don’t judge me though – its not like I NEED them right now. Daddy’s not taking me out for a nice steak dinner or my first pizza, and I damn sure don’t need teeth to drink milk. So right now I guess I’ll just gum a few things here and there until my teeth finally do decide to make an appearance.

There’s a big event that should be happening any day now. Its called “The Lightening”. No I don’t mean “Lightning”, and NO its not the next M. Night Shyamalan movie (although it certainly sounds like something he’d use).

What I’m talking about is the big drop I’ll make as I inch towards freedom. I know I more or less started this movie in the past, but I’m not all the way down there yet because I’m still kicking the bejeesus out of mommy’s ribs. Once I drop down completely, its called “The Lightening” because I won’t SEEM to be as heavy anymore and take the pressure off her ribs. The bad news for mommy? I focus on her bladder and all of the fun stuff in her lower extremities.

I’m starting to get rid of that nasty gooey vernix that’s been covering me for a majority of my stay here at Club Baby. It protected me in here from pruning all up like a….like a…..well, like a PRUNE I guess. Now, it just isn’t necessary anymore. So wave goodbye to the “baby Crisco”!

But you just can’t leave it at that, can you? No, you just HAD to think to yourself “but where does it go?” Alright stalkers, you asked for it!!! Truth is, I swallow just about all of it, and THAT will be a good portion of my first baby poop. Don’t let the cutesy name fool you, that first diaper assault will be a fierce one.

And now to the fun stuff, Week 3 of the Baby Bracket! This week brings us to the Elite 8 of Baby Names, and any one of the remaining candidates could actually be mine! The remaining names are:

Brandon James Joiner
Ethan Michael Joiner
Logan Riley Joiner
Cole Reese Joiner
Connor James Joiner
David Andrew Joiner
James Logan Joiner
Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr.

Who will make it to the Final Four? Make your voice heard and VOTE! And for God’s sake, remember to have my best interests at heart when you pull the lever on each one of these. I’m handicapped enough being stuck with my dad for life, I don’t need the burden of a horrible name on TOP of that!

Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin’!
-BabyBoy Joiner