Week 38 - Being Tested

Hello there, all of you baby lovers! Welcome to Week 38. We’ve got a lot of updatin’ to do, so lets get right to business.

First off, lets get the Baby Tale of the Tape out of the way. I’m at a little over 7 pounds and a little over 19 inches tall. And for your “weird baby fact of the week”, here’s something weird for you to learn – my head and abdomen are about the same circumference right now. I’m not sure if that means I’ve got a big head or a big belly, but it’s a little odd that I look like a double-sided weeble-wobble person. Remember, weeble-wobbles wobble but they don’t fall down!

You don’t remember that song? Seriously? Well if you don’t, you’re either a lot older or a WHOLE lot younger than my mom and dad. From what they say, those things were all the rage back when they were kids. I can only imagine the other kinds of toys they had back then, like rocks and sticks to play with and dinosaurs for pets.

But enough about those two relics I call parents, lets get back to me and my weight gain. At this point, I’m basically growing an ounce a day until I’m born. I know that may seem small to all of you, but just think about it. I started out WEIGHING just an ounce or two. Now I’m growing that much each day! I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty dang cool.

Another new thing for this week is that I’m unveiling my new trick. I now have a killer, baby-vise-like grip. If you don’t believe me, just give me a finger when you meet me and I’ll absolutely crush it. Just don’t give me that middle finger. I know what that means and that’s not a very nice thing to do in front of a baby. Did Philly fans raise you? Nice manners.

Well since we’re talkin’ about my baby paws, its time to bring up my fingernails. They were full grown WEEKS ago, so now they’re a little overgrown. I’ve actually started referring to them as “Baby Talons” because they stick out past my fingertips. Typing ain’t easy when you’ve got these things in the way. They make for some good scratchin’, but I may end up cutting myself a little with these things if I’m not careful. Dad better cut these things once I pop out of here. I don’t want to look like some weird hippie!

While growth might be a bad thing for fingernails, its all good when it comes to the ol’ Gray Matter! My brain and nerves are continuing to grow and mature, and they won’t stop anytime soon. Nope, not even after birth! They’ll grow and grow and grow until my teenage years, when I’m sure I’ll know everything. I mean, isn’t that how things work? Don’t teenagers know it all?

Yeah, that’s my baby sarcasm kicking in. I hear the kind of things that daddy yells to teenagers, so I know the score.

Other than that, the only other thing that’s growing that I haven’t told you about is my collection of meconium. Yep, I’m preparing that first poop every day. I’m lying in wait for daddy to pick me up and then - BLAM! I’ll unleash 9-plus months of fury from the nonspeaking end. Oh yes, I’ll get him back for every poke at my feet, every prod at my back, and every “hey, are you awake?” that he yelled into my ears. Of COURSE I’m awake you moron! You yelled right into my ears!!!!!

My wrath will be of biblical proportions Old Man. You better cash in your 401K for a big supply of baby wipes because you’re going to be busy for a while! Don’t you test me any further! If you do I’ll have no choice but to make a run to Taco Bell and order everything on the Value Menu. God help you if I make it to the burritos.

Speaking of testing (and NOT speaking of the Old Man), everyone is buzzing about this thing called an APGAR test. What the hell is this about? I haven’t even been BORN yet and we’re talking about tests? I don’t know if I’m ready for this. The only thing that’s been tested so far is my patience at the hands of these bumbling parents of mine.

So what’s the deal with this test? Is it multiple choice or essay questions? Is it a Scan-Tron test? Do I need a Number 2 pencil? (I hear those things are very important so I can only assume that they give you superpowers) Will I have to run an obstacle course and beat a certain time? For the love of Infant-Baby-Jesus, would you just TELL me what this thing is about?

Oh heck with waiting on the parents to answer. I’m going online. Let’s see what it says here.. Hmmm. Interesting. According to this thing, I get tested TWICE with the same materials. A perfect score is 10, so I can assume a score of zero means you’re a turnip. It looks like there are 5 categories, 2 points each. Lets break this thing down.

First category is “color”. Looks like I get 2 points for being pink all over, 1 point for being kinda pink, and no points if I’m all blue. Okay, this is a bunch of crap. I’m a boy! Pink is for girls! I think I’m going to just blow their mind and paint myself up Orange and Blue in honor of my beloved Gators. Here, score THIS doctors!

Next category is labeled “respiratory”. I thought they’d be checking my breathing with a title like that, but it looks like I’m scored based on how strong and loud I can cry. Wow. Have they not met my dad yet? With his “yellin’ genes”, I might score 5 or 6 points in this category alone! 2 points my pink little butt – I’m blowing THIS test out of the water!

The third category is “heart rate”. It says I get 2 points for a heart rate over 100 beats per minute, 1 point for a heart rate under 100 beats per minute, and no points for a heart rate of…..well…zero. Little do these poor fools know that I’m studying for this test, so all I have to do is get on the treadmill like daddy does and knock out a few miles to get my heart rate up. Then they’ll be impressed, think I’m Superbaby (which I am), and move on to the next part.

That aforementioned part is called “muscle tone”. Hell yeah! Now I finally get to flex in front of all the pretty nurses at the hospital. And if anybody gives me a weird look for doing it I’ll just say “hey man, I’m taking a test. Mind your business”. My parents don’t realize it, but I’ve been working out while they sleep. Just look at my arms in those ultrasound pictures. It ain’t a secret sweetheart, I’m a machine!

The last thing they have listed is “reflexes”. This one’s got me a little worried, because according to what I’m reading – I get more points for CRYING! What the HELL are they going to do to me? I get one point for “fussing a little”, and no points if I don’t cry. Hey man, ever stop and think that maybe I’m just one tough S.O.B. and I don’t cry for every little thing? What a bunch of crap. They should give me points for NOT crying.

And where are my mom and dad while all this is going on? For the love of God, these people are going to make me cry and you’re just going to STAND there? Well, I’m glad all of you readers get to see what great role models they’re going to be for me. “Hey, lets stand here and watch the baby suffer. The more he suffers and cries, the higher the score!” You insufferable sadists!

They say a score between an 8 and a 10 is a high score and means that I’m “in very good condition”. Psssssh. Tell me something I don’t know geniuses.

Alright, enough of that crap. I’m done with testing. Its time to get on with something much more interesting – the Baby Bracket!!! Its Championship Week, and we’ve whittled the list down from 32 possibilities to this final pair. After receiving a TON of votes this week, its official – Brandon James Joiner and James Logan Joiner are the two left standing. The Baby Bracket at the bottom of the page has been updated, so go check it out.

Thanks to everyone for voting so far, and be sure to vote this week. Remember, the name that wins THIS week will be one of the names that my mom and dad will take to the hospital with them. So here it is – democracy in action. Make your voice heard because you could NAME ME FOR LIFE! Come back next week to find out which name made the cut!

Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin’!
-BabyBoy Joiner