Week 39 - Getting Closer

Welcome to week 39, Baby Stalkers! Its the week to announce the Baby Name Champion! We've gone from 32 down to 1. You voted every week, and now the results are here. The last week received more votes than any other, and the name is.......going to be announced at the end of the blog. You have to behave and not scroll down to the end first. That's cheating. Read the whole blog!

We're on the home stretch now, just a few more days to go! But how MANY days? HA! I'll never tell. I really can't hide the fact that I'm pretty much stretched out in here from "coast to coast" so mom and dad know that the escape is coming sometime soon. I was hoping I could be a little more incognito, but they did something a little unexpected. They went on a reconaissance mission.

Recon. Dang it. I didn't see that coming. Those wiley old people finally got one past me. I expected a little bit of monitoring, but another ultrasound? Man, that's cheating! I tried to cover up my escape plans, etc. and was fairly successful at that, but they managed to get a couple shots of my face. Do you know what that means? Now all of the wanted posters at the post office get a new updated photo! My cover has been blown - time to don my fake moustache and beard and hope they mistake me for another baby when I escape.

"Who me? Naw man, I'm not the baby you're looking for. I think I saw the guy though. He's right behind me and dressed up like a placenta. Don't let him fool you!" Heh heh heh....that plan is absolutely FOOLPROOF.Yeah that's right, I'm throwing that no good placenta character under the bus. He tried my patience one too many times, and now the tables have turned. I began my vengeful plot last night when I waited until he was sleeping. As soon as he drifted off to dream about whatever it is that placentas dream about, I stole a bunch of antibodies from him. With this newly acquired stash I'll be able to fight off a lot of the nastiness of the outside world.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not afraid of the outside world. I actually feel bad for everyone out there. They have absolutely no idea what is heading their way soon. 7+ pounds of baby is laying in wait as we speak. If I wait much longer, we'll be talking 8+ pounds of diaper-filling fury. It is the outside world that should tremble in fear, not me!

For those of you who follow the rules, the winning name is Brandon James. For the cheaters who go right to the end, I'll post a fake winning name and just blow their mind. But you'll know the truth. It'll be our little secret. Plus I'll throw in some garbage about that being the selected name. I can't wait to see who falls for it. And now back to the blog - lets talk baby weight!

That's right, as of the ultrasound recon mission on Tuesday, I was just a little under 7.25lbs. And that was before all of the Christmas cookies and snacks! Man, I don't know who this "Christmas" guy is, but he sure knew how to party. I get presents, candy, AND football is on! And for some reason there's an inordinate amount of red and green colored things all over the place.

And speaking of colors, I'm changing colors right now! Like the mighty chameleon, I'm changing colors to blend into my environment like baby camo. Okay that's a big lie. I'm changing color but it has to do with the ever-increasing amounts of fat on my body. I've gone from a pinkish color to a white or blue/pink combo. I'm hoping I turn orange and blue naturally after this because if I don't, I'm breaking out the facepaint. Hey, I told you last week that I'd do it!

That might make me look a little odd at birth, but to be honest I think I'm going to look a little odd at birth regardless of what I do. I mean think about it - my head is going to be all coned-up, I'll be short 'n pudgy, and I'll cry and poop a lot. Basically daddy without the conehead and pudge. I know what you're thinking - babies are beautiful and they ARE. But when I pop out looking like a miniature version of Winston Churchhill with a pointy head, who's going to call THAT cute? It'll take a few days for my TRUE cuteness for achieve maximum potential. In the meantime, don't point fingers and judge. You're no prize either!

And before I forget, I have my "Totally Pointless Baby Fact of the Week" for you. Did you know that I won't cry when I'm born? I mean, I'll scream my head off, but I won't shed a tear. That's because my tear ducts aren't fully functional until a couple weeks after birth. Well, that and the fact that I'm one tough little S.O.B. that doesn't cry.

And finally, the Baby Bracket Champion! The votes ended in a tie, so instead of taking the two names into some sort of tiebreaker scheme I decided to just randomly pick a new one. Dylan Michael Joiner. That's it! And I've talked with mom and dad and it looks like THIS will be my real name! I know we said we weren't going to decide until birth, but this name fits like a glove!

Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner