Week 33 - The Checklist

Hey there Baby Fans! Welcome to week 33. Less than 50 days are left in my mommy-prison sentence, so lets get down to business. I don't have all day to sit here and write. I've got an escape to plan, dammit!

The plan is coming together quite nicely. I've left nothing to chance in this scheme to free myself from these fleshy confinements. I've drawn a map of the escape route and printed it out to keep in my back pocket until the day arrives when I......Wait a minute. No back pockets?!!!!! Where am I supposed to keep things? Well, I suppose I could just tape it to my wall in here and hope it doesn't fall down. Hang on a second. I need to go pilfer some office supplies from mommy's desk.

****BABY INTERMISSION - THIS MEANS A BREAK FOR ME, NOT A BRIEF PAUSE****

Okay I'm back now, and the map has been secured. What's that? How did I manage to get something in here that was way out there? Well I'll spare you the details, but let me just say that this umbilical cord has MANY uses. If I keep this up I'll be a rodeo champion by the age of 4 with these lasso skills. The only question now is how to get the tape dispenser back on her desk without anyone being suspicious. Fire alarm maybe? Ah, no matter. I'll get it back there somehow. And don't you readers start feeling any sort of sympathy for my warden mother. It could've been worse, I could've gone for the stapler and staple remover instead of the tape!

Alongside my map I've also taped up a laundry list of things to do before I am able to make a successful escape attempt. Item number one - Operation: Heavy Breathing. This is my plan to make sure my lungs are fully grown before I bust out. After all, I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side, so I must assume the worst. Guard dogs, machine gun turrets, Jehovah's Witnesses - I must outrun them all! Luckily my mom and dad have good runner genes so I should be able to get away. My lungs are all but complete now, like the Death Star in the first Star Wars movie. But unlike that monstrosity there are no weaknesses on my surface to exploit. I have no weaknesses. Try to find one at your own peril!

Next on the list, vision. All of that running won't do me any good if I can't see what I'm running FROM. This needs a little more work than the lungs, but it IS getting better. Gone are the days of recognizing spots of light and dark. I've evolved to the point that I can tell the difference between day and night! No more wondering when I should set the DVR for the next football game - I'm pretty much dialed in to when things happen now. With this knowledge I can now plan the perfect TIME in which to escape. Did you hear that Placenta? We strike at dawn.

Placenta? Placenta! Curse you, you dimwitted glob! I don't know WHY I teamed up with you in here. You are one of the most useless compatriots I've ever had the displeasure of sharing a cell with. No more! After our prison break, you're on your own. I'll head out first to make sure the coast is clear, then you follow me after that. And don't try to hold me back! I know you can't run as fast as I can, and I'm not about to get thrown back IN there after working so hard on this plan. If you get caught little man, God help you.

Item number 3 on the list - stabilize my environment. I've found a way to keep a consistent level of amniotic fluid in here. While I won't give away the FULL measure of my plans I WILL say that bubble gum has many uses. Its great stuff, it just seems to plug any leak you can find. So from here on out, I'll have this same amount of fluid to float around in. Not that I do much floating, mind you. I'm more or less WEDGED into position now. I've already had my position given away by the doctor at our last visit to the hospital. She pinpointed my EXACT location to my warden mom and dad, even going so far as to show them where my head was. That evil woman almost blew my cover! Way to go lady. Like its not hard enough being inconspicuous when I'm sticking out of my mom's tummy like the biggest sore thumb ever?!

Moving down the list, I now find myself at a step that even I have a hard time believing. I'm getting even SMARTER?!!! How the devil did this happen? Its true though, and the more my brain grows the more my HEAD grows. This past week my head has grown by about 3/8"! Good thing the bones in my skull are really pliable. Can you imagine trying to sneak outta THAT escape tunnel with a head this size? Good lord, it'd be like trying to bowl through a coffee straw. Not that my head is bowling ball size or anything but lets face it - I'm doomed to have a massive noggin. Just look at my dad. His head is so big, smaller heads are in orbit around him!

Next up - Operation: Greased Pig. This means I've gotta work on the coating of vernix that's all over my body. The more of it there is, the easier I'll just slide through on the way to freedom. In contrast I've now lost all of that lanugo that used to cover me from head to toe. I won't miss it either - who needs a fur coat in here? Last time I checked the thermostat it was what, 96 degrees? Holy cow, its 98.6! I don't need a fur coat Mother Nature, I need a pair of shorts and a big floppy hat!

Number 6 on the Escape Prep List is my favorite. Why? Because it refers to FOOD. Right now I'm stashing away a cache of glycogen in my liver. I'll continue to hoard more and more of this stuff until the Day of the Great Escape. I'll need all of that stored energy to wriggle free, run to safety, and maybe buy a ticket to Vegas. Okay, scratch the ticket - I don't have enough saved up just yet, but everything else is a must-do! Although most of it is being saved, I'm using a LITTLE bit to swing my perfectly-proportioned arms and legs around now in my training. I've got my stride down-pat, and I've learned to pump my arms in time with my legs too. The Warden thinks I'm just "kicking her ribs", so she hasn't gotten wise to my plan just yet. That's right woman, you keep believing that.

"Kicking", she says. And I'M the one that's the child. HA!

Lastly I must brace myself for the germ-laden world that awaits me. In a cunning move, I've tapped into the Warden's own immune system and claimed it as my own. While mine gets stronger, I draw from HERS as well. By the time I get outta here mine will be able to fend off a good bit of germs and bacteria. Oh, and while I'm at it I decided to start stealing calcium from mom as well. Whether she takes in a lot or a little, I get everything I need by stealing it from her. I'll even go so far as to leech it from her very own bones! I need it finish up with my skeletal hardening, and if she didn't want me to steal from her then she should've built a bigger wall. You can't keep me away, woman! I'll take what I want!

So that's it - my to-do list. My pre-flight check. Call it whatever you will. Now that I've completed everything on there, my escape could come at any day. I'm just getting ready to.....what? What the devil is this? Someone posted an addendum to my list? Who in the world could've....Placenta!!!!! How could you DO this? I'm sitting here ready to escape and now you've given me extra things to do before I bust out of here? What kind of partner ARE you? You do NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING - for 33 weeks and then all of a sudden you post an addendum?! You'll pay for this Placenta. Oh yes. You will pay.

Okay stalkers, its time to wrap this thing up so I can go give Placenta a piece of my mind. I almost forgot to mention my height and weight this week too! I'm at about 4.5 pounds and 17.5" tall this week. Daddy says that's the size of your average adult duck. DUCK???? Seriously old man? This is the BEST comparison you could come up with? You went from comparing me to food to comparing me to a water fowl? When do the embarassing comparisons end? When I reach adulthood are you going to say, "Hey look, you're the same size as that homeless guy over there."? What the devil does that accomplish? You're a strange one, old man. My patience for you is running short.

Now before I go, I just want to make a quick announcement. This is the LAST day that we'll be doing a baby name of the week poll......as YOU know it. As of next week, we're going to start a new system that will boggle your mind. You'll be asked to contribute more than ever before, you'll be more involved in my life than ever before, and in the end you (yes YOU) may very well end up picking the very name that I will be saddled with for the rest of my days! So get excited, because its going to be a lot of fun!

And with that - the baby name of the week poll. First name is "Gavin Lawson Joiner", and the second (not to mention LAST) name up for voting, "Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr". Hey, why not? We had enough people suggest it to make it an actual voting option, so I figured we should squeeze it in here before the last day. So that's it Baby Fans! The last names in the poll. No more NEW names will be submitted from this point on. So what are we doing NEXT week you ask? "Heh heh heh", I reply. Wait and see!

Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner