Week 25 - Spinnin' Round and Round

Hello there BabyBoy Stalkers! Its week 25 and I'm happy to be alive! So happy in fact that I've started spinning, twisting, and turning. This isn't just some random celebratory move though - I'm moving with PURPOSE! I'm getting out of this funky "breech" position and getting into a better spot for me to make my Great Escape. The best part about changing positions a little early is that mommy will have less warning about my breakout, which means that the odds of a successful escape just doubled! I ordered "The Shawshank Redemption" and "Escape from Alcatraz" for some research on Methods of Egress.

That grand entrance into the outside the world won't be an easy one though. I'm still growing with no end in sight! Right now I'm about 13.5" tall and weigh about a pound and a half. Yeah, don't forget the "half" of either one of those measurements either. That's big time growth. The kind of stuff you brag to your buddies about. I'm packing on some more baby fat now so I'm starting to fill out pretty good. Pretty soon I'll look like a little naked Buddha, floating around in mommy's tummy. As I told you last week, some of this is to keep me warm, and hopefully some of this will act as a CUSHION during the Great Escape. I just got a good look at the only exit I can find in this place, and if I keep growing at this rate there is NO WAY I'm fitting through there.

I've got a TON of stuff to tell you guys this week. This is a week of MAJOR developments! So get comfy, grab a pillow and maybe a snack. Its going to be a LONG BLOG! We'll start at the top and work our way down, how's that for a battle plan?

Okay, lets start off with the ol' BabyBoy noggin. I'm growing more and more hair every day. So much in fact that you could SEE it in one of those 3D/4D ultrasounds! Yeah, just don't judge me on my looks right now. I don't have a comb, a brush, not even one of those hairpick things to get my hair looking good. One thing I DO know about hair is that I'm going to part it the right way, not BACKWARDS like daddy does. Yeah, there's a fun little fact for ya - he's supposed to part his hair on the OTHER side of his head, but he can't do anything normal. Oh no, not Mr. Buck-the-trend over there. So next time you see him, tell him to part his hair the way its supposed to and maybe THEN it won't stick up in the back all the time!

Moving further down from my hair to my face, those of you who are nightmare-prone will be glad to know that my eyes now have color! Yep, right now they're blue just like any other baby you've ever seen. No more colorless creepy baby eyes. Actually, my hair has some color too.....but I'm not going to tell you if its blonde, brown, black, red, green, purple, etc. Hey, I've gotta let SOME things be a surprise!

These blue eyes will come in handy for sure. I think all of you "outsiders" tend to think baby blue eyes mean I'm nice and sweet. The kind of baby that just wants hugs and wouldn't hurt a fly. HA! Tell that to mom. She's getting kicked and punched so hard now that she feels like a stunt double from one of the Rocky movies. The rest of you hapless creatures will learn the HARD WAY. Just when you move in for a hug - I MOVE IN FOR THE KILL!!!

When you're done staring into my baby blues, move on down just a little bit. Check out my nose! Before it was just a little nub in the middle of my face, but NOW my little nostrils are opening up! Finally this thing is good for something! Up until now it was just a speed bump in between my eyes. But now I can breathe in this amniotic fluid through here too! I just hope that my nostrils don't open up TOO much to the point where I look like daddy. Good lord its like staring down the end of a double-barreled shotgun. My Uncle Dave has a car with a 3" exhaust and even THAT thing pales in comparison to the size of the holes in daddy's schnozzola!

Move a little further south past the mouth and to my neck. Why? Because I'm developing my vocal chords - just in time for football season! And as I type this, all of you "outsiders" that know my dad are cringing because you know how loud he can get. I swear I don't know how someone his size makes such a big noise! I know he has a mommy and daddy, but if you ask me the guy must be the offspring of a fire alarm and a shuttle launch. Oh, and if you've ever gone to a football game with him then you really have a good understanding of what the world is in for. Yep, now there will be TWO OF US yelling that loud. To most people, vocal chords are a means of communication - to a Joiner, they're also a weapon!

Again, just soak it in - daddy's son is growing vocal chords. Now consider the fact that mommy and daddy sit on the west side of Florida Field, and Uncle Joel can probably hear daddy when he's working the sidelines on the EAST. Maybe he works on the east side of the field so his ears won't hurt as hard. I mean, why else would he work on the visitor's side? Let the fun begin.

Now lets swing around to the backside of BabyBoy Joiner for a minute. No, I'm not talking about my baby rump. I'm talking about my actual BACK! All of the different strucural pieces of my spine are all starting to build and get into place. 33 rings, 150 joints, 1000 ligaments.....and a freakin' partridge in a pear tree! Can you believe all of that stuff is in my spine? That's a lot of gear to tote around on somebody my size. But hey, I'm going to hurry up and get that stuff set.

Speaking of backs, I'm really starting to become a pain in mommy's back. I'm not being cruel....its REVENGE! Yes, revenge! Just when I get comfy and settle down for a nap, she sits up, shifts around, goes jogging, or does some other kind of movement to keep me awake. Good lord woman, consider yourself a walking Days Inn, and your only room is occupied! Don't start banging on the walls of your only tenant! Let me sleep.....or else you'll feel the wrath of my baby-sized Fists of Fury!

But enough about her, this is all about me. Take a look inside right now and you'll see that my lungs are growing more and more blood vessels. How many of these things do I actually need? And its not just in my lungs either. I'm growing them all OVER my body which is turning my skin more and more pink. PINK???? Aw c'mon, what is this some kind of joke? I'm a Baby BOY! Boys don't like pink. Why can't my skin be orange and blue, or maybe even camoflague? That's cool, that's practical, and that's more like a BOY. But no, I'm stuck with pink. Geez, now I know why baby's get all swaddled up in a blanket when we're born. Its partly to keep us warm, but mostly to keep us from being embarassed that we're a GIRL COLOR, from head to toe!

Now move from my lungs to dead-center-baby-chest and lets talk about my heart. Its going strong, and beating LOUD. So loud in fact that at mommy's dr. visit this week, the doctor commented on just how loud and strong it was. The doctor used her magical little instruments to listen to my heartbeat and measure it, but the coolest part about this is you can actually hear it just by pressing your ear up to mommy's tummy! That being said, I'd warn against all of you crazy Baby Stalkers actually running up to mommy and putting your ear up to her bare belly. That might freak her out. But trust me, people love it. I'm thinking about charging admission. You think people would lay down a buck to hear me?

"Step right up! Put your ear to the belly and hear the great BabyBoy Joiner and his amazing heart!" Well, it MIGHT have made some money if I hadn't already posted those ultrasound videos on youtube. Everybody can already hear it for free if they go to the bottom of the page. Hmmmmmmm. I really should've thought that through a little better.

Okay enough of the baby innards. Lets move back outside of my body because I have to show off a few things. (No not THAT! Sickos) Check out my hands! In the past I could wiggle my fingers and point (as you saw from the pictures over on the right side of the page), but now I can make a fist! Yeah, up until now I was hitting mommy open-handed. Kind of a "pimp slap" type of move. But now I'm throwing a real PUNCH. Man, if she thought she was hurtin' before just wait'll she gets a taste of my left cross!

Orrrrrrrrr.......was it a right cross? I don't want to give anything away, but I'm starting to show signs of whether I'm left-handed or right-handed. Again, I'm not going to tell you which just yet but I do have my favorites for sure but I will say that mommy is right-handed and daddy is left-handed. I favor one side for my hands, feet, and even my sight.

And speaking of feet I can reach mine now and grab them. Small achievement to some of you, but it gives me something else to do. They're kinda cool....y'know like hands but with really stubby fingers. And the best thing about being able to grab my feet is now I can really pull them back and then unload with a massive baby kick! Mom's been feeling the effects of this a lot lately. The kicks alone make her dash for the bathroom on a regular basis. Good thing she's a runner huh?

Alright so we covered me from head to toe but there are STILL a few things to tell you about. Did you know I'm starting to develop some reflexes? Or as I like to call them, "Baby Autopilot"? I don't even have to THINK about doing some things anymore, they just happen. For instance, my lips and mouth are real sensitive now. Now imagine that I'm just floating around, relaxing, taking a breather from my plans to take over the world. If my hand drifts across my face and brushes across my mouth, I'll just start sucking my thumb. Its automatic! I don't even realize it until I have another great idea for world domination and reach for a pen. Then all of a sudden I notice it and think "Hey, why is my thumb in my mouth?"

Another reflex worth mentioning is my "startle reflex", which I've really started to notice with football season in full swing. Can you imagine sitting next to my dad at a football game and NOT getting startled at his ear-piercing screaming? I've jumped throughout the football games, and also at any other high-volume inducing moments. Wow, you should hear him when a solicitor calls during a football game. Words cannot describe the fury. He also yells when he's playing videogames, but I just think he's nuts when it comes to that.

And don't ask me "are you sure that's not mom that's yelling?" I KNOW the difference. Seriously - I can tell the difference between the two of them when they're talking. Mommy's voice sounds soft and sweet, and daddy sounds like a mix between Jiminy Cricket and a grizzly bear. I'm just a baby but even I can tell the difference between those two! At least now when I see them I'll know who's who.

Not only will I know who they are, but as of right now I’ll REMEMBER! Right now I’m making these cells that develop conscious thought. Or at least that’s what the doctors think! Heh heh heh….we all know that I’ve been thinking since conception, but don’t bother telling THEM that. They’re too busy coming up with all this medical jargon like “brown fat”. I’ve only been in the conscious thought racket for a little while but even I could come up with better names than that! So yeah, long story short, I can now remember AND learn things. What have I learned so far? Well, here’s a list of some of the larger points:

1) The Placenta is evil and crafty. Even though he works for me, I’m sensing an uprising of sorts in the near future. I’m watching you, Placenta!!!

2) An umbilical cord can double as a jump rope.

3) Mommy always moves around as soon as I get comfortable – NOT the other way around.

4) Daddy is a moron.

What else is there to know in life?

Now that you’ve had a laundry list of baby updates thrown your way, lets make our way to the baby naming section of the blog, which everyone seems to be curious about. This week we’ve got Ethan Michael Joiner and Timothy Joel Joiner. Now get over there and vote! And while you’re at it, make sure you voted on the “when will I make my escape” poll also.

That’s it for this week. Come on back next week for some more BabyBoy Joiner updates! Until then, keep on stalking!

-BabyBoy Joiner

Week 24 - Weight Gain-a-Rama!

Here it is - Week 24 and you're begging for more!

I'm debating opening every weekly blog up with a rhyme now. Not that I've got great plans to be a poet or anything but hey, Muhammad Ali rhymed a lot and it worked out pretty good for him. So why not me? As long as there isn't a week called "orange", I should be able to rhyme just about anything else.

So here's the weekly tale of the tape - I've gained about 4 ounces in the past week. That's 1/4 pound for those of you a little slow in the math department. Just think - I used to BE that heavy, and now I can gain that much weight in a week. Its not necessarily from overeating or anything like that either. Not that I wouldn't mind a burger now and then mind you. This whole "getting the leftovers of whatever mommy is craving" is getting a bit old. Come on mom, an egg sandwich....AGAIN???? SURELY there's other stuff in the fridge! I'm going to have to send some baby craving signals to her and get some good ol' low-quality junk food pumpin' in here.

But like I was saying, my weight gain isn't from overeating. A lof of this new weight is my developing body organs, along with this stuff called "brown fat". They call it this because its fat that's brown. Wow. Again my little baby mind is just STUNNED with the creativity of the medical world. "Brown fat" - yeah don't bust me up with all of your technical jargon. I'm surprised you don't call my ears "those little dishes that ya hear with" while you're at it.

To get back on topic, this brown fat stuff acts almost entirely as insulation. From what I've heard the outside world isn't a nice 98.6 degrees all the time, its usually much cooler. Yeah, even in Florida! And don't even get me started on the humidity in here. When I bust outta here in a few weeks, I think I'm going to be one of those guys that says, "Whooooo boy, how 'bout this heat?" Its a little low-brow and beneath me, but it manages to keep the tourists from saying it first.

Another big growth spurt that's taking place is in my brain of all places. First of all its obvious that I'm already pretty smart, witty, charming, and a damn smooth-talker. So can you imagine what's going to happen when my brain gets even BIGGER?? At last, I'm developing my greatest weapon in the quest for Baby World Domination. As it stands right now, I can already beat half of my family and friends in a good game of Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit. In fact, I can beat them in just about any game.

Except "Battleship". And we all know WHY they always win at battleship....because they CHEAT!!! For the love of fair play will you PLEASE quit moving your little ships around? I know I can't "miss" that many times if I tried. Seven straight games and not a single "hit"? I'm onto you daddy! Not that I haven't thought about cheating myself, but once I put them onto the board I can't manage to pull them out with these little baby hands I've got. But my time is coming. That's right.....victory will be mine!

Pardon the rant. Mommy just ate another glorious EGG SANDWICH and all of those WAVES AND WAVES OF YUMMY NUTRIENTS must have gone to my head. Yes simple woman, that was sarcasm. Let's put a few more pages in the ol' menu before I start to think that's what all food tastes like. After all, my taste buds are still developing in here. Lets not burn them out before i get to throw down on my first Five Guys Burger!

There's one more big development going on right now, as long as we're talking about growth spurts. My lungs are growing like crazy right now. As most of you know, lungs aren't just big bags of air - they've got all kinds of little "branches" in there with little bitty "air sacs" on them. These branches are growing, and the air sacs are sproutin'! I'm also getting a good workout by practicing my breathing. Of course, I'm stuck breathing in amniotic fluid instead of air. Yeah, the same fluid that I'm floating around in. The same fluid that I'm, uh, peeing in. You know the old expression "you don't crap where you eat?" Well, I'm violating the heck out of that saying. (With the exception being I'm not quite pooping yet)

Another cool thing that's going on in my lungs is that I'm also growing cells in there that are producing a very, very important substance. Its this stuff called "surfactant". Ever heard of it? Well I sure hadn't until I started producing it and then I realized how important it really is. Surfactant is this stuff that helps the air sacs in my lungs inflate after I'm born. Yep, breathing in air is a lot different from breathing in fluid, and this stuff will help kickstart everything. This is a big reason why you see really premature babies having trouble breathing - they haven't produced enough of this stuff to get the party started. With any luck I'll finish cookin' in here. Hopefully this stuff CAN be produced by the mother eating NOTHING BUT EGG SANDIWCHES!!! Good lord woman! They're freakin' eggs! And I'm sorry but salsa doesn't make it taste better. It just makes it taste like soggy egg! Can I get a mother flippin' Snickers bar in here? How about a 3 Musketeers?

Can you tell I'm tired of eggs? Geez. And she wonders why I kick and punch.

Oh, here's something really spooky. Remember that creepy visual I told you about that gave you nightmares a few weeks back? YOU KNOW - a thin skinned baby with colorless eyes, living under your bed? Don't act like that didn't freak you out! Anyways, I kinda forgot to tell you something about that. My HAIR is white too! HAHAHAHAHA That's right, cower in fear of the Sinister Albino Baby! It'll take me a while, but I'll eventually crawl over to you and creep you out with my pale baby looks. I swear, if it wasn't for me being so damn good looking I might actually LOOK freakish. Thank God I've got a handsome daddy and a good lookin' mama!

And uh, before I wrap this up, I need to ask for a little help here. Uh, anybody got a life preserver? A life raft? Oh I dunno, maybe some of those goofy little water wings? It might just be me, but I swear there's more amniotic fluid coming in here. I'm serious. Before it was cool because I could splash around, do some cool tricks like flipping and turning, maybe practice a little breathing and everything was okay. But NOW? Those floodwaters, they are a-risin'. I need your help because my parents won't do diddly. My mom thinks its "cute" that I have more fluid in here to float around in. And daddy? Well you know daddy. He's not the brightest bulb on the tree. Word has it he once got lost in a revolving door. He just laughed when I told him and started singing that Johnny Cash song, "Five Feet High and Risin'".

Moron.

So if you'd like to help keep me afloat, please help. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna have this fluid coming in here, but lets just say that Wombsville, USA is definitely not in threat of a drought.

Okay, now on to the polls. And much like voting in any other process, if you don't vote you can't complain! This week we've got TWO polls for ya. One is our normal baby names, and the other is a new one that daddy has started and will run until 1/1/10! That poll will ask - will I escape the womb and enter the world early, on time, or late? I mean, I COULD just come on out and tell you what my plan for escape is....but what's the fun in that? I wanna keep everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy and daddy - on their toes. So be sure to vote and put your best guess in!

And as far as the baby names go, this week we have "Derrick William Joiner" and "Joseph Andrew Joiner". Get out and vote....in both polls! And until next week, keep on stalkin', Baby Stalkers!

-BabyBoy Joiner

Week 23 - 'Tis the season!

Welcome to week 23, Baby Stalkers! Its another action-packed week of new and exciting developments straight outta Wombsville, USA! Its been a wild week of growth for me in here. I'm getting better control over my movements as my dexterity continues to improve. My newest revelation in this is that I realized that I don't have to use both hands for the same thing. Yahoo! That means its possible to scratch my head AND baby bottom at the same time!

What's that look for? Hey, don't judge me. I have needs.

And speaking of needy, NOBODY is needier than mommy and daddy. This week they've REALLY been noticing my every move in here. And the more motion they see, the more clingy they get. Now they're ASKING me to kick and punch. They're BEGGING for me to roll around. Its so annoying! Hey I've got an idea - why don't the two of you GET A HOBBY! Things are only going to get worse as I get bigger too. Pretty soon they'll be able to SEE my every move just as easy as they can feel them. It’ll look like something straight outta “Aliens”. Something tells me that this is gonna be a LONNNNNNNNNG 17 more weeks.

That's not to say that I couldn't make an early escape. Word has already reached my mommy "warden", so she knows when I'm PLANNING to break out. You know, TECHNICALLY I could escape now and actually have a chance at survival! Oh, and if that's not enough trivia for you, here's something I bet you didn't know. Apparently boys are more at risk than girls if we're born premature. What the hell? Not as mature? How is THAT possible??? Its LIES, ALL LIES!!!! And I'm going to sit here and hold my breath until you say its a lie...or until I turn blue!!!

Not mature. Please. I am TOO mature! I am I am I am!

And yes, I actually CAN hold my breath until I turn blue. Well, almost. I'm growing tons of blood vessels in my lungs. All of that stuff is going to carry oxygen through my body once I actually bust outta here. I've gotta tell ya, I can't wait to actually breathe AIR. Its really stuffy in here. And gooey. And I can't wipe this "vernix" stuff off. Its really getting annoying. If you're wondering what this is like, go into your kitchen and squirt a few handfuls of soap into your l'il paws, then try to go about your daily business. Not a lot of people lining up to shake hands with ya, if you know what I'm sayin'.

I'm filling out in here a little bit. i've definitely put on a little weight since last week, and I don't think its from hot pockets and snickers bars. I'm a tiny bit over a pound now, but I have plans to put on many, many pounds before I'm born. Don't tell mom, but I'm aiming for about 9-10 pounds. Daddy was over 9 pounds when he was born, so I'm going to try to "beat the record"! In fact, I should double my body weight in the next month. Yep, 2 pounds by the end of september!

I really haven't gotten much taller since last Friday. I think from here on out I'll probably gain more weight than height. But hey, look at my parents - did you REALLY think I was going to get super tall? I'm just hoping that they don't put all of the cool baby stuff on the top shelf at the store, 'cause I'll never get it then. Yeah, thanks for the gift of life and everything....but couldn't you have super-sized it?

The good thing about not being this size is that I still have some room to stretch out. Uh, at least for NOW I do. Everyone on the outside wonders what I'm doing when I move and kick and punch. WELL, if you promise not to tell my mom and dad, I'll let you in on a little secret. What I'm about to tell you is top secret baby info. You know how people always joke and say, "If I told you, I'd have to kill you"? Yeah, its THAT SECRET. Each of the 3 major movements has a specific meaning and purpose. So here it is, the Official BabyBoy Joiner Movement Codebreaker!

Move #1: Kicking - there are two kinds of kicks. First we have what I like to call the "stretch kick". This is the long, gentle push with my feet to either get repositioned or make room. The other type is something I refer to as the "I'm gonna teach mommy a lesson" kick. This kick is usually faster, stronger, sharper, and is aimed at either her bladder or diaphragm. It is designed strictly for malicious, violent baby tendencies. I usually use it when mommy eats something I don't like, or plays music that I STRONGLY disagree with.

Its easy to tell the difference between the kicks. Just watch mommy's face. If she rubs her tummy, smiles, and says "Ooooh, baby boy is kicking a little in there"...THAT'S the stretch kick. You'll know when I strike with my other kick because she says nothing and usually just makes a mad dash for the bathroom. If you see a pregnant woman running a 4.4 40 yard dash, its because she was the victim of a "mean baby kick".

Move #2: Punching - Just like on the outside world, punches are saved for your nemesis. In my case, that means the Placenta. Yes, I don't punch unless I mean business and when it comes to Mr. Placenta.......lets just say I'm ALWAYS open for business! If mommy thinks she's feeling a baby punch, it can mean a few things. Either:

a) She actually felt a kick and doesn't know the difference
b) I missed and accidentally punched mommy. But I never miss, so this isn’t an option.
c) I punched Placenta so hard that he went and told on me. Dirty rat!

And don't get sympathetic about the Placenta and start giving me attitude for beating him up. Hey, you don't know him like I do man! He just sits around all day talking trash, and since I can't leave I have to stay here and LISTEN to him! Plus he owes me 20 bucks! If that doesn't give me enough reason, nothing should!

I got a little off-subject there. Ooooooo, there's a shocker. Anyways, I have to go over the third baby movement, which is:

Move #3: Rolling - Just like you, I roll to get comfortable. There's only so much time I can spend standing on my head! I will also occasionally roll to amuse myself. Its not much, but then again we ARE talking about being confined to a cell thats barely larger than I am. My options are rather limited.

So there you have it! Now whenever you hear about me moving, you'll know exactly what I'm up to!

There is one last development that I need to let you know about before we get onto the baby names of the week and yes, I saved the best for last. What is it, you ask? Well, you know how I had mentioned that my hearing was developing and that I could hear what was going on in the outside world? As it turns out, I'm getting used to all of the loud sounds around me. The sound of mommy slamming on her car horn 15 times on her way to work in the morning doesn't even faze me anymore! And neither does all of that rap music, even though I don't particularly care for it (I'm more of an AC/DC or or Lynyrd Skynyrd kind of baby). So while I might react to loud noises, I don't fear them. This ability comes at just the right moment because this is the most important time of the year-

FOOTBALL SEASON!!!

I'm not even BORN yet and I already knew how cool football is. This weekend will mark my first trip to the holiest of all football landmarks - Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, aka The Swamp. Its going to be loud, its going to be rowdy, and I'm going to feel right at home! I'll be in here doing the Chomp and singing "We Are the Boys" with everyone else! And the best part is that mommy smuggles me in so I don't need a ticket! Yep, now I can tell people that I was sneaking into football games before I was even born. Now if I could only get a little baby football jersey delivered to me in here, I'd be all set! So don’t worry, daddy can still yell until he’s hoarse every single game, and its not going to bother me one bit.

That's about it for this week's blog - so lets get to the names of the week! Again, I'm not saying WHO made which suggestion. Just check 'em out and tell me what you think by voting over on the right side of the page.

This week's selections are "Johnathan Mason Joiner" and "Brandon James Joiner". Now go vote and tell me what you think! And until next week, keep on stalkin'!

-BabyBoy Joiner

Week 22 - Torque Week!

Yeah, its TORQUE WEEK, and I'm sure my dad, grandpas, and uncles are impressed that I'm going to use the word "torque" correctly!

So what does a baby know about torque? Well I'm a little too young to go sliding under a car and start wrenching away at things, so that's not what I'm talking about. For all of you out there who nothing of what I am speaking, torque is the measure of a rotational force. (Daddy used to break these down into component vector forces back in college) So am I twisting and turning around in Wombsville? Sure, but that's not why this is "Torque Week". I've labeled this week (and technically, next week too) as "Torque Week" because I'm am right at a foot tall, and 1 pound in weight! Get it????

Oh for the love of modern education, you DON'T get it do you?

Torque is measured in foot-pounds. And since this is the time where I'm right at a foot tall and weigh a pound, I thought it was a pretty clever way to celebrate my move into the big boy world. Let me tell you there's few things more shameful than someone asking me what my weight is, and I have to tell them that my weight is measured in ounces. That's just sad. I'm a man, dammit! Okay, maybe just a baby boy. Maybe we can compromise and say I'm a BabyMan!

I like that new title. That rules. BABYMAN! Somebody should get me a cape. Then I could fly around the womb fighting crime and solving mysteries or something. That's right - BabyMan is protector of the young, the innocent, and apparently has the ability to go off on a tangent for long periods of time. How in the heck did my stream of consciousness lead me to this point? A second ago I was going a little over the top explaining my height and weight this week, and now I'm a crimefighter? I've gotta tell mom to lay off the ice cream. I must be getting baby brain-freeze or something.

So what's new in week 22? Here's something that'll give you nightmares just thinking about it - my eyes are formed, but right now the irises have no pigment to them. No blue, no brown, no "hazel", "green", or "gray". Just imagine a foot tall baby crawling at you with big, colorless eyes. And I live under your bed at night, occasionally vacationing in your closet with the door slightly cracked. Once you fall asleep, I crawl under your covers and......heh heh, I'll let the rest be a mystery. Sleep tight ladies!

As if you couldn't already tell, I've developed daddy's sick sense of humor. Its a wierd mixture of comic relief, personal anguish, and torture. Sorry, its genetic. Out of my control. AND I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, enough of my sickness. Lets get back to the baby news. My skin is red and wrinkly right now. To be honest I look a little ridiculous. Red.....wrinkly.....colorless eyes.....hiding under your bed. (Sorry, couldn't resist!) Anyways, the wrinkled skin isn't because I've been soaking in fluid like you after being in the pool too long. Remember the "vernix"? That's keeping me from getting all soggy. Its actually my skin just being SMART and anticipating that I'll be packing on the pounds in the coming weeks. Rather than be stretched to its limits, my skin is a little "oversized" right now. Hey, who ordered the extra-large baby suit? Just look at my parents - I'm a medium at best. A large if I like things roomy. But extra large? I look like a Shar-pei!

My pancreas is developing quite nicely now. Its starting to produce all sorts of hormones that I'll need. I'm not sure WHY I need them, or even what hormones are to be honest with you. All I know about them is that sometimes mommy acts wierd at home, and daddy says, "Must be the hormones"! So hormones make you do wierd, crazy things? Wait I'm confused....then what does "alcohol" do? I thought that was what.....oh never mind.

Here's a big relief - my fingernails are pretty much grown all the way in. I can't tell you what a relief this is because hey, I'm a guy. I'm a BabyMan to be exact and dammit, sometimes we've just gotta scratch! Go ahead and say "but you're a baby!" all you want - its genetic. I. NEED. TO. SCRATCH. Maybe my head is itching, or maybe I've got a tickle back on the ol' baby rump. If you think I'm crazy, go 22 weeks without scratching an itch and tell me how successful YOU are!

The LAST major development I've got to report here is that my inner ear has developed to the point that I've established my own sense of balance. Its helping me with my BabyMan dexterity. Now all of my punches and kicks to Mr. Placenta and his sidekick (mommy's bladder) are MUCH more accurate - and deadly. I'm practically ready to start training as a cage fighter.

The best part about getting my sense of balance really straightened out is I can start doing some really cool X-Games type maneuvers in here. If mommy thought I was "active" before, just wait! I'll start doing barrel-rolls, flipping, twisting and turning all over the place now. I gave them a preview of this new action the other night where daddy FINALLY felt my acrobatic maneuvers in action!

Alright, that's enough baby news for now. I don't want to spoil you with any more just yet. But now its time for the baby names of the week! This time we're not going to say which suggestion is which. Last week marked the first time that a name was completely shut-out in the voting - a first in BabyBoy Joiner Naming History. This week we'll see if mommy and daddy can come up with some better suggestions.

The first suggestion is "Mason Andrew Joiner", and the second is "Carter James Joiner". Which is the best of the week? I want YOUR input! It helps me exercise my veto power that I hold over mommy and daddy in the naming process.

Until next week, keep on stalkin'!
The BabyMan himself, BabyBoy Joiner

Week 21 - Blackjack!

Hey there stalkers! Baby Boy Joiner is back for another week of blogging fun. This is week 21 - or as daddy has been calling it, "Blackjack Week"!

He's calling it that because he's an idiot. Mixing babies with gambling? Good move there dad. Those are two worlds that really need to merge together....

Before I get started, let me just say THANK YOU to everybody out there that voted on the Twitter Poll last week. I didn't want to "tweet". I've never "tweeted", and if you HAD voted for me to do that then Placenta would've gotten all cocky since it was his idea. But now I can take the polls results back and tell him that he's as clueless as daddy for suggesting it! Let's face it - Twitter is for nerds and obsessive/compulsive people. I don't need to be lumped in with that kind of crowd.

Its been a busy week for sure. I finally let you guys know that I was a boy back on Tuesday, daddy's been working a ton of overtime, and mommy's in her full-blown "nesting phase". Now that's busy! Fortunately I've moved into a nice new phase of my life where I'm getting more and more REM sleep. Remember how I told you I started dreaming? Well I realized that dreaming is pretty cool so I'm doing a lot more of it.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was the first baby to finish the Disney Marathon. Then I dreamed last night that I was playing football for the University of Florida. Pretty cool, huh? I've also noticed that sometimes dreams just don't make any sense at all. How else can you explain Monday night's episode where I was swimming in a huge pool of Jello and being chased by hundreds of hammerhead sharks made out of gummi bears?

Come to think of it, mom HAS been eating a lot of sweets lately. Thanks a lot woman! Because of your incessant snacking I'm now forced to dream of a world made of candy. Just for that I'm going to make you crave a mixture of broccoli and spaghetti for the rest of my time in here! Curse you and your nonsensical eating habits!

Enough about HER though, lets get back to ME! I'm growing big and strong as you can see by my latest pictures (check the right side of the page for the new ones). Mom and dad were a little nervous going into the last doctor visit, so I decided to calm them down. (Don't think I'm going soft here - I wanted them to calm down so mom would let me go back to sleep!) As soon as the ultrasound lady started poking and prodding her way into my world with that infernal device, I gave them a "thumbs up" sign to let them know everything was fine in here.

Then I started striking several modeling poses. I think I did a great job posing, but that ultrasound lady is NO photographer. Absolutely NO creativity whatsoever! You've got all of THIS to work with, yet all you can do is take these prison-mugshot-style pictures! For the love of all things baby-related woman, have you no creativity? I've seen better pictures in Helen Keller's photo album. There ARE some pictures of my baby parts but I won't be posting those just yet because I have to censor them a bit. I don't want everybody out there getting jealous.

I had to work EXTRA HARD to bring my personality across in these pictures since this lady had no idea how to work with a model. So what did I do? I showed them my baby feet so they could tell I was going to be a great runner/football player one day, and then I made a little gun sign with my hand. Now I COULD tell you that I did that to show off just how cool I am, or to say that one day I'll be an expert pistol marksman, but that would be lying. That is my signal for BABY WORLD DOMINATION! True, there's not that much to dominate in here, but I own this place! That means you too Placenta! From now on, YOU work for ME!

BABY WORLD!!!!!!!

Whew, sorry about that. I got a little excited for a minute. Lets get back on subject here.....

To sum it all up in one little paragraph just doesn't do it justice, but lets just say the doctor visit showed us just how AWESOME I'm going to be. Every test came back fine, no problems whatsoever. The ultrasound showed a healthy heart, stomach, kidneys, you name it! It even showed my little baby bones which are good and strong. I'm still waiting for them to turn into stainless steel though. They're a little slow with that.

The best part is because daddy's put in a ton of overtime this week, mommy and daddy are going to use that money to make an appointment to go to one of those 3D-4D places and get some pictures and video so you can see in better detail just how good I look. I just hope the people at that place are better photographers than the lady at the hospital!

Lets take a quick look at the Baby Tale of the Tape. I'm up to about 11 inches tall and weigh about 3/4lb. Just think of how far I'm come in a matter of weeks! And think of how far the DOCTOR has come. She's finally stopped going by the "crown to rump" measurements and moved onto the big-boy height. 'Bout time!

What else is new in here? Well, my skin has gone from transparent to red. Thin, soft, and really really RED. Its better than being CLEAR don't get me wrong, but I can't wait to turn this red into my daddy's skin color. Red makes it look like I just got done screaming my head off or something.

Also, my digestive system is working by itself on a minimal basis, so I'm fairly self-sufficient. Again, all I'm processing right now is amniotic fluid, which tastes like whatever it is that mommy is eating. Right now it tastes a lot like ice cream. A little chocolate, a little mint flavored, with maybe a splash of cake in there somewhere. Its around this time that I start to figure out what my eating habits are, so whatever she eats usually becomes some of my favorite food.

And we wonder why kids have "sweet tooths"!

Alright, lets wrap this up. Mommy is about to leave for work and my internet connection is crappy when we get in her car and go for a ride. Time for a quick baby name poll! Obviously we aren't doing girl names anymore. That is, unless dad wants to adopt the "Boy Named Sue" philosophy and intentionally screw me up for life. This week you might be surprised though! For once I think that mommy is off her rocker with the name choice and, God help me for saying this, but my DAD'S choice might be the better one! Don't let me sway your opinion though, judge for yourself!

Daddy's choice this week is "Jeremy Allen Joiner", and mommy went with the more exotic "Remington James Joiner". If you ask me that name makes me think of two things - a snobby, pretentious guy.....or firearms. Could be really GOOD, or really BAD. See my point there? Anyways, go ahead and give us a vote on those two, and we'll catch up with you next week for some more baby bloggin' action!

Until then, keep on stalkin'!
-Baby Boy Joiner

Week 20.5 - The Big Announcement!

Okay ladies and gentlemen, its the big announcement you've all been waiting for. There were a total of 61 votes - or should I say guesses - if I was a boy or a girl. I think it was something like 39 (boy) to 22 (girl).

All I've gotta say is that, hey, MAJORITY RULES! Yep, I'm a boy! But come on, were you really surprised? With this kind of talk, attitude, and swagger, SURELY you thought I sounded like daddy! Anyways, I'll say all the details for the weekly blog, so check back then. I'll have the details along with this weeks other updates. Plus you can expect pictures, and a few new video clips at the bottom of the page! (Yes, waaaaaaaaaaay at the bottom.)

Until then, you can stop calling me baby and just call me SIR! That is, until we can think of a better name.

-The Boy Baby Joiner

Week 20 - Halfway There!

Its Week 20 and I'm feelin' kinda funny!

I'm also rhyming a lot, just like Muhammad Ali! Didn't you notice?

Its a time to celebrate, ladies and gents. Word around the womb is that I'm halfway done with serving my sentence in here. Another 20 weeks and I'll make my great escape. I got a few good ideas from daddy when he was watching "Escape from Alcatraz" on TV. That combined with my superior baby intellect might even get me out of here a few weeks early. Who knows?

As long as I get out of here in time to watch all of the BCS bowl games, I'll be one happy little baby. Besides, I'm tired of marking the days on my cell wall in here. Yeah, if you think that feels funny mom, just wait until I start writing my NAME in here! Or better yet, recreating some impressionist painting. You'll call it "kicking", but I'LL call it "slow mommy torture".

And if that isn't enough I'll kick you in the bladder again.

But enough about my scribbling on walls, lets get the Baby Tale of the Tape outta the way so we can get onto more interesting stuff. I'm up to 6.5" "tall" on that moronic doctor's "crown to rump" measuring system. However if you want to see how I stack up when measured like a NORMAL PERSON, I'm right at about 10", maybe a little taller depending on if I'm wearing my running shoes or not. Oh yeah, don't think for a second that I'm not taking advantage of this little bit of extra space while I have the chance. I run laps around that fat-tub-o-lard Placenta every day.

Again, mommy calls that "kicking". But what does SHE know? She calls everything I do "kicking". Hey mom, when I'm finally born and I cut loose with my first soiled diaper of the season, are you gonna call that "kicking" too? Because I'm gonna "kick" quite often. I'm talking several times a day. And it won't be pleasant. Better bring a gas mask for all that "kicking". And a little magazine for me to read.

I've put on more weight this week, despite all of my running. I'm blaming it on the fact that my bones are hardening. According to my baby calculations, I should go from regular bones to stainless steel armor in another 6-8 weeks. That's how it works, right? It only seems natural for a progression like that to occur. Anyways, check out this fun little fact - I'm quadrupled my body weight in the last 4 weeks. Pretty cool trick huh? If you're not impressed, then YOU do it in 4 weeks! So lets can all of the "fat baby" remarks. I'm GROWING, what's YOUR excuse?

On a whim, I checked a website and it said that I'm supposed to be 1/8th of my final body weight right now. So I did some simple baby math using my fingers and toes and based on THEIR calculation I'd be in the 5-6 pound range at birth. HA! Fat chance of that happening. They didn't take into account the "Joiner Factor" which clearly states that anyone in this family must eat tons of BBQ and fried chicken. That ALONE will put me up in the 8 or 9 pound range, maybe even 10 pounds! Yep, right where mom doesn't want me to be. Get ready for a lifetime of Baby Rebellion mama! It begins today!

News from the Womb is a little slow this week, but I do have a couple other things to tell you about. I'm swallowing a lot more often now. That'll give my itty bitty digestive system practice with tearing through things. First simple fluids, but once I bust out of here, I want nachos! And pizza, fried chicken, and BBQ. Not all at the same time though. What do you think I am, some kind of wierdo?

The BEST part of all of the digesting I'm doing is that I'm generating a lot of.....uh....well, the scientific term for it is "meconium". But you'd probably know it better by the street name, "baby poop". TRUST me, I'm building up quite a supply for that first little present to mommy and daddy.

If mommy and daddy weren't such tightwads and threw down a few bucks for a 3D-4D ultrasound, you could probably even see my eyelashes and eyebrows which are now easy to see. I don't really see a use for them just yet, but that's not the point. You could SEE THEM RIGHT NOW if they got an ultrasound! Tell mom and dad to quit being cheap and get one of these things done. I've gotta expand my portfolio so that everyone will know just HOW good looking I really am. Right now all they can see is an old ultrasound pic that looks like a wild weather system.

Oh, did you know that it takes 1-2 hours for the food that mommy eats to get all the way down to l'il ol' me? I'm not sure if this is the way its SUPPOSED to be, or if she's holding back and savoring the flavor before passing it on to me. Don't laugh, its true! The stuff I'm getting through my baby "food tube" umbilical cord is horrible! How bad does it taste, you ask? It tastes like food that's already been eaten, genius! Try choking some of THAT down and get back to me on what you think of the taste. So yeah, this is another thing that mommy is doing to make my stay in "baby prison" as unpleasant as possible. I think its supposed to be motivation for me to break outta here. Curse you woman! Just for that I'm going to eat everything in sight and I'll be 10 pounds for SURE when I get outta here. Large and in charge, that'll be me.

Okay, two more things I've gotta get off my waxy, gooey baby chest before we get to the names of the week, and they all involve VOTING! That's right - I need your input on a few different things. First off, you've only got a few more days to guess/vote on whether you think I'm a boy or a girl. That poll is over on the right side of the page with the rest of them. Go ahead, take your best guess! Last time I checked, a majority of you think I'm a boy, but you won't know for sure until Tuesday! So guess and see how you'll do in predicting things!

Next up, I have a tech-question for everyone. See, there's this new thing called "Twitter" that people are talking about. Mommy and daddy don't really understand it at all, but hey what else is new? These two aren't the most tech-savvy people on the planet. I bet I'll be the one teaching them things before my first birthday! Anyways, Placenta said that I should start to give Twitter updates throughout the week because some people that follow my baby blog just don't get enough from my once a week rants. (To these people, I say two words - CHILL THE HECK OUT!) Now normally I wouldn't take ANYTHING that Placenta says seriously, but it wasn't a BAD idea.

So I'll leave it up to a majority vote. You'll have a week to vote on whether or not you want Baby Joiner updates via twitter in ADDITION to the blog. Trust me, the blog ain't going nowhere. I can rant on this thing as long as I please and there's no WAY I'm giving that up for some dumb twitter thing. Vote with the rest of the stuff over on the right side of the screen.

And finally, we come to everyone's favorite part, the baby names of the week! Notice that I haven't really badmouthed daddy very much at all in this week's blog. Well the reason for that is that I was saving it all for the end. Why is HE allowed to name things? This guy shouldn't be allowed to name a BOAT, much less a person! His boy name of the week was "Trigger Pull Joiner". Yeah, Trigger Joiner. Are you kidding me? This man comes up with worse names for his kids than that Sarah Palin chick, who was naming her kids things like "outhouse", "recycle", and "slurpee"! The girl name was no better - this week's suggestion was "Missing Appendages Joiner", in the hope that would keep the guys away, at least through high school. Lord help me, the man's as smart as a bag o' hammers.

So forget those - let's talk MOM names. At least she tries!

This week the boy name is "Anthony William Joiner" and the girl name is "Heather Lynn Joiner". Like one? Both? Neither? Vote in this poll along with the rest on the right side of the page. By doing so, you're taking part in baby history!

Keep on stalkin'! I'll post a quick update on Tuesday to let you guys know if I'm a boy or a girl. Then expect a full blog-tastic update on friday!
-Baby Joiner