Week 23 - 'Tis the season!

Welcome to week 23, Baby Stalkers! Its another action-packed week of new and exciting developments straight outta Wombsville, USA! Its been a wild week of growth for me in here. I'm getting better control over my movements as my dexterity continues to improve. My newest revelation in this is that I realized that I don't have to use both hands for the same thing. Yahoo! That means its possible to scratch my head AND baby bottom at the same time!

What's that look for? Hey, don't judge me. I have needs.

And speaking of needy, NOBODY is needier than mommy and daddy. This week they've REALLY been noticing my every move in here. And the more motion they see, the more clingy they get. Now they're ASKING me to kick and punch. They're BEGGING for me to roll around. Its so annoying! Hey I've got an idea - why don't the two of you GET A HOBBY! Things are only going to get worse as I get bigger too. Pretty soon they'll be able to SEE my every move just as easy as they can feel them. It’ll look like something straight outta “Aliens”. Something tells me that this is gonna be a LONNNNNNNNNG 17 more weeks.

That's not to say that I couldn't make an early escape. Word has already reached my mommy "warden", so she knows when I'm PLANNING to break out. You know, TECHNICALLY I could escape now and actually have a chance at survival! Oh, and if that's not enough trivia for you, here's something I bet you didn't know. Apparently boys are more at risk than girls if we're born premature. What the hell? Not as mature? How is THAT possible??? Its LIES, ALL LIES!!!! And I'm going to sit here and hold my breath until you say its a lie...or until I turn blue!!!

Not mature. Please. I am TOO mature! I am I am I am!

And yes, I actually CAN hold my breath until I turn blue. Well, almost. I'm growing tons of blood vessels in my lungs. All of that stuff is going to carry oxygen through my body once I actually bust outta here. I've gotta tell ya, I can't wait to actually breathe AIR. Its really stuffy in here. And gooey. And I can't wipe this "vernix" stuff off. Its really getting annoying. If you're wondering what this is like, go into your kitchen and squirt a few handfuls of soap into your l'il paws, then try to go about your daily business. Not a lot of people lining up to shake hands with ya, if you know what I'm sayin'.

I'm filling out in here a little bit. i've definitely put on a little weight since last week, and I don't think its from hot pockets and snickers bars. I'm a tiny bit over a pound now, but I have plans to put on many, many pounds before I'm born. Don't tell mom, but I'm aiming for about 9-10 pounds. Daddy was over 9 pounds when he was born, so I'm going to try to "beat the record"! In fact, I should double my body weight in the next month. Yep, 2 pounds by the end of september!

I really haven't gotten much taller since last Friday. I think from here on out I'll probably gain more weight than height. But hey, look at my parents - did you REALLY think I was going to get super tall? I'm just hoping that they don't put all of the cool baby stuff on the top shelf at the store, 'cause I'll never get it then. Yeah, thanks for the gift of life and everything....but couldn't you have super-sized it?

The good thing about not being this size is that I still have some room to stretch out. Uh, at least for NOW I do. Everyone on the outside wonders what I'm doing when I move and kick and punch. WELL, if you promise not to tell my mom and dad, I'll let you in on a little secret. What I'm about to tell you is top secret baby info. You know how people always joke and say, "If I told you, I'd have to kill you"? Yeah, its THAT SECRET. Each of the 3 major movements has a specific meaning and purpose. So here it is, the Official BabyBoy Joiner Movement Codebreaker!

Move #1: Kicking - there are two kinds of kicks. First we have what I like to call the "stretch kick". This is the long, gentle push with my feet to either get repositioned or make room. The other type is something I refer to as the "I'm gonna teach mommy a lesson" kick. This kick is usually faster, stronger, sharper, and is aimed at either her bladder or diaphragm. It is designed strictly for malicious, violent baby tendencies. I usually use it when mommy eats something I don't like, or plays music that I STRONGLY disagree with.

Its easy to tell the difference between the kicks. Just watch mommy's face. If she rubs her tummy, smiles, and says "Ooooh, baby boy is kicking a little in there"...THAT'S the stretch kick. You'll know when I strike with my other kick because she says nothing and usually just makes a mad dash for the bathroom. If you see a pregnant woman running a 4.4 40 yard dash, its because she was the victim of a "mean baby kick".

Move #2: Punching - Just like on the outside world, punches are saved for your nemesis. In my case, that means the Placenta. Yes, I don't punch unless I mean business and when it comes to Mr. Placenta.......lets just say I'm ALWAYS open for business! If mommy thinks she's feeling a baby punch, it can mean a few things. Either:

a) She actually felt a kick and doesn't know the difference
b) I missed and accidentally punched mommy. But I never miss, so this isn’t an option.
c) I punched Placenta so hard that he went and told on me. Dirty rat!

And don't get sympathetic about the Placenta and start giving me attitude for beating him up. Hey, you don't know him like I do man! He just sits around all day talking trash, and since I can't leave I have to stay here and LISTEN to him! Plus he owes me 20 bucks! If that doesn't give me enough reason, nothing should!

I got a little off-subject there. Ooooooo, there's a shocker. Anyways, I have to go over the third baby movement, which is:

Move #3: Rolling - Just like you, I roll to get comfortable. There's only so much time I can spend standing on my head! I will also occasionally roll to amuse myself. Its not much, but then again we ARE talking about being confined to a cell thats barely larger than I am. My options are rather limited.

So there you have it! Now whenever you hear about me moving, you'll know exactly what I'm up to!

There is one last development that I need to let you know about before we get onto the baby names of the week and yes, I saved the best for last. What is it, you ask? Well, you know how I had mentioned that my hearing was developing and that I could hear what was going on in the outside world? As it turns out, I'm getting used to all of the loud sounds around me. The sound of mommy slamming on her car horn 15 times on her way to work in the morning doesn't even faze me anymore! And neither does all of that rap music, even though I don't particularly care for it (I'm more of an AC/DC or or Lynyrd Skynyrd kind of baby). So while I might react to loud noises, I don't fear them. This ability comes at just the right moment because this is the most important time of the year-

FOOTBALL SEASON!!!

I'm not even BORN yet and I already knew how cool football is. This weekend will mark my first trip to the holiest of all football landmarks - Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, aka The Swamp. Its going to be loud, its going to be rowdy, and I'm going to feel right at home! I'll be in here doing the Chomp and singing "We Are the Boys" with everyone else! And the best part is that mommy smuggles me in so I don't need a ticket! Yep, now I can tell people that I was sneaking into football games before I was even born. Now if I could only get a little baby football jersey delivered to me in here, I'd be all set! So don’t worry, daddy can still yell until he’s hoarse every single game, and its not going to bother me one bit.

That's about it for this week's blog - so lets get to the names of the week! Again, I'm not saying WHO made which suggestion. Just check 'em out and tell me what you think by voting over on the right side of the page.

This week's selections are "Johnathan Mason Joiner" and "Brandon James Joiner". Now go vote and tell me what you think! And until next week, keep on stalkin'!

-BabyBoy Joiner