Week 25 - Spinnin' Round and Round

Hello there BabyBoy Stalkers! Its week 25 and I'm happy to be alive! So happy in fact that I've started spinning, twisting, and turning. This isn't just some random celebratory move though - I'm moving with PURPOSE! I'm getting out of this funky "breech" position and getting into a better spot for me to make my Great Escape. The best part about changing positions a little early is that mommy will have less warning about my breakout, which means that the odds of a successful escape just doubled! I ordered "The Shawshank Redemption" and "Escape from Alcatraz" for some research on Methods of Egress.

That grand entrance into the outside the world won't be an easy one though. I'm still growing with no end in sight! Right now I'm about 13.5" tall and weigh about a pound and a half. Yeah, don't forget the "half" of either one of those measurements either. That's big time growth. The kind of stuff you brag to your buddies about. I'm packing on some more baby fat now so I'm starting to fill out pretty good. Pretty soon I'll look like a little naked Buddha, floating around in mommy's tummy. As I told you last week, some of this is to keep me warm, and hopefully some of this will act as a CUSHION during the Great Escape. I just got a good look at the only exit I can find in this place, and if I keep growing at this rate there is NO WAY I'm fitting through there.

I've got a TON of stuff to tell you guys this week. This is a week of MAJOR developments! So get comfy, grab a pillow and maybe a snack. Its going to be a LONG BLOG! We'll start at the top and work our way down, how's that for a battle plan?

Okay, lets start off with the ol' BabyBoy noggin. I'm growing more and more hair every day. So much in fact that you could SEE it in one of those 3D/4D ultrasounds! Yeah, just don't judge me on my looks right now. I don't have a comb, a brush, not even one of those hairpick things to get my hair looking good. One thing I DO know about hair is that I'm going to part it the right way, not BACKWARDS like daddy does. Yeah, there's a fun little fact for ya - he's supposed to part his hair on the OTHER side of his head, but he can't do anything normal. Oh no, not Mr. Buck-the-trend over there. So next time you see him, tell him to part his hair the way its supposed to and maybe THEN it won't stick up in the back all the time!

Moving further down from my hair to my face, those of you who are nightmare-prone will be glad to know that my eyes now have color! Yep, right now they're blue just like any other baby you've ever seen. No more colorless creepy baby eyes. Actually, my hair has some color too.....but I'm not going to tell you if its blonde, brown, black, red, green, purple, etc. Hey, I've gotta let SOME things be a surprise!

These blue eyes will come in handy for sure. I think all of you "outsiders" tend to think baby blue eyes mean I'm nice and sweet. The kind of baby that just wants hugs and wouldn't hurt a fly. HA! Tell that to mom. She's getting kicked and punched so hard now that she feels like a stunt double from one of the Rocky movies. The rest of you hapless creatures will learn the HARD WAY. Just when you move in for a hug - I MOVE IN FOR THE KILL!!!

When you're done staring into my baby blues, move on down just a little bit. Check out my nose! Before it was just a little nub in the middle of my face, but NOW my little nostrils are opening up! Finally this thing is good for something! Up until now it was just a speed bump in between my eyes. But now I can breathe in this amniotic fluid through here too! I just hope that my nostrils don't open up TOO much to the point where I look like daddy. Good lord its like staring down the end of a double-barreled shotgun. My Uncle Dave has a car with a 3" exhaust and even THAT thing pales in comparison to the size of the holes in daddy's schnozzola!

Move a little further south past the mouth and to my neck. Why? Because I'm developing my vocal chords - just in time for football season! And as I type this, all of you "outsiders" that know my dad are cringing because you know how loud he can get. I swear I don't know how someone his size makes such a big noise! I know he has a mommy and daddy, but if you ask me the guy must be the offspring of a fire alarm and a shuttle launch. Oh, and if you've ever gone to a football game with him then you really have a good understanding of what the world is in for. Yep, now there will be TWO OF US yelling that loud. To most people, vocal chords are a means of communication - to a Joiner, they're also a weapon!

Again, just soak it in - daddy's son is growing vocal chords. Now consider the fact that mommy and daddy sit on the west side of Florida Field, and Uncle Joel can probably hear daddy when he's working the sidelines on the EAST. Maybe he works on the east side of the field so his ears won't hurt as hard. I mean, why else would he work on the visitor's side? Let the fun begin.

Now lets swing around to the backside of BabyBoy Joiner for a minute. No, I'm not talking about my baby rump. I'm talking about my actual BACK! All of the different strucural pieces of my spine are all starting to build and get into place. 33 rings, 150 joints, 1000 ligaments.....and a freakin' partridge in a pear tree! Can you believe all of that stuff is in my spine? That's a lot of gear to tote around on somebody my size. But hey, I'm going to hurry up and get that stuff set.

Speaking of backs, I'm really starting to become a pain in mommy's back. I'm not being cruel....its REVENGE! Yes, revenge! Just when I get comfy and settle down for a nap, she sits up, shifts around, goes jogging, or does some other kind of movement to keep me awake. Good lord woman, consider yourself a walking Days Inn, and your only room is occupied! Don't start banging on the walls of your only tenant! Let me sleep.....or else you'll feel the wrath of my baby-sized Fists of Fury!

But enough about her, this is all about me. Take a look inside right now and you'll see that my lungs are growing more and more blood vessels. How many of these things do I actually need? And its not just in my lungs either. I'm growing them all OVER my body which is turning my skin more and more pink. PINK???? Aw c'mon, what is this some kind of joke? I'm a Baby BOY! Boys don't like pink. Why can't my skin be orange and blue, or maybe even camoflague? That's cool, that's practical, and that's more like a BOY. But no, I'm stuck with pink. Geez, now I know why baby's get all swaddled up in a blanket when we're born. Its partly to keep us warm, but mostly to keep us from being embarassed that we're a GIRL COLOR, from head to toe!

Now move from my lungs to dead-center-baby-chest and lets talk about my heart. Its going strong, and beating LOUD. So loud in fact that at mommy's dr. visit this week, the doctor commented on just how loud and strong it was. The doctor used her magical little instruments to listen to my heartbeat and measure it, but the coolest part about this is you can actually hear it just by pressing your ear up to mommy's tummy! That being said, I'd warn against all of you crazy Baby Stalkers actually running up to mommy and putting your ear up to her bare belly. That might freak her out. But trust me, people love it. I'm thinking about charging admission. You think people would lay down a buck to hear me?

"Step right up! Put your ear to the belly and hear the great BabyBoy Joiner and his amazing heart!" Well, it MIGHT have made some money if I hadn't already posted those ultrasound videos on youtube. Everybody can already hear it for free if they go to the bottom of the page. Hmmmmmmm. I really should've thought that through a little better.

Okay enough of the baby innards. Lets move back outside of my body because I have to show off a few things. (No not THAT! Sickos) Check out my hands! In the past I could wiggle my fingers and point (as you saw from the pictures over on the right side of the page), but now I can make a fist! Yeah, up until now I was hitting mommy open-handed. Kind of a "pimp slap" type of move. But now I'm throwing a real PUNCH. Man, if she thought she was hurtin' before just wait'll she gets a taste of my left cross!

Orrrrrrrrr.......was it a right cross? I don't want to give anything away, but I'm starting to show signs of whether I'm left-handed or right-handed. Again, I'm not going to tell you which just yet but I do have my favorites for sure but I will say that mommy is right-handed and daddy is left-handed. I favor one side for my hands, feet, and even my sight.

And speaking of feet I can reach mine now and grab them. Small achievement to some of you, but it gives me something else to do. They're kinda cool....y'know like hands but with really stubby fingers. And the best thing about being able to grab my feet is now I can really pull them back and then unload with a massive baby kick! Mom's been feeling the effects of this a lot lately. The kicks alone make her dash for the bathroom on a regular basis. Good thing she's a runner huh?

Alright so we covered me from head to toe but there are STILL a few things to tell you about. Did you know I'm starting to develop some reflexes? Or as I like to call them, "Baby Autopilot"? I don't even have to THINK about doing some things anymore, they just happen. For instance, my lips and mouth are real sensitive now. Now imagine that I'm just floating around, relaxing, taking a breather from my plans to take over the world. If my hand drifts across my face and brushes across my mouth, I'll just start sucking my thumb. Its automatic! I don't even realize it until I have another great idea for world domination and reach for a pen. Then all of a sudden I notice it and think "Hey, why is my thumb in my mouth?"

Another reflex worth mentioning is my "startle reflex", which I've really started to notice with football season in full swing. Can you imagine sitting next to my dad at a football game and NOT getting startled at his ear-piercing screaming? I've jumped throughout the football games, and also at any other high-volume inducing moments. Wow, you should hear him when a solicitor calls during a football game. Words cannot describe the fury. He also yells when he's playing videogames, but I just think he's nuts when it comes to that.

And don't ask me "are you sure that's not mom that's yelling?" I KNOW the difference. Seriously - I can tell the difference between the two of them when they're talking. Mommy's voice sounds soft and sweet, and daddy sounds like a mix between Jiminy Cricket and a grizzly bear. I'm just a baby but even I can tell the difference between those two! At least now when I see them I'll know who's who.

Not only will I know who they are, but as of right now I’ll REMEMBER! Right now I’m making these cells that develop conscious thought. Or at least that’s what the doctors think! Heh heh heh….we all know that I’ve been thinking since conception, but don’t bother telling THEM that. They’re too busy coming up with all this medical jargon like “brown fat”. I’ve only been in the conscious thought racket for a little while but even I could come up with better names than that! So yeah, long story short, I can now remember AND learn things. What have I learned so far? Well, here’s a list of some of the larger points:

1) The Placenta is evil and crafty. Even though he works for me, I’m sensing an uprising of sorts in the near future. I’m watching you, Placenta!!!

2) An umbilical cord can double as a jump rope.

3) Mommy always moves around as soon as I get comfortable – NOT the other way around.

4) Daddy is a moron.

What else is there to know in life?

Now that you’ve had a laundry list of baby updates thrown your way, lets make our way to the baby naming section of the blog, which everyone seems to be curious about. This week we’ve got Ethan Michael Joiner and Timothy Joel Joiner. Now get over there and vote! And while you’re at it, make sure you voted on the “when will I make my escape” poll also.

That’s it for this week. Come on back next week for some more BabyBoy Joiner updates! Until then, keep on stalking!

-BabyBoy Joiner