Week 24 - Weight Gain-a-Rama!

Here it is - Week 24 and you're begging for more!

I'm debating opening every weekly blog up with a rhyme now. Not that I've got great plans to be a poet or anything but hey, Muhammad Ali rhymed a lot and it worked out pretty good for him. So why not me? As long as there isn't a week called "orange", I should be able to rhyme just about anything else.

So here's the weekly tale of the tape - I've gained about 4 ounces in the past week. That's 1/4 pound for those of you a little slow in the math department. Just think - I used to BE that heavy, and now I can gain that much weight in a week. Its not necessarily from overeating or anything like that either. Not that I wouldn't mind a burger now and then mind you. This whole "getting the leftovers of whatever mommy is craving" is getting a bit old. Come on mom, an egg sandwich....AGAIN???? SURELY there's other stuff in the fridge! I'm going to have to send some baby craving signals to her and get some good ol' low-quality junk food pumpin' in here.

But like I was saying, my weight gain isn't from overeating. A lof of this new weight is my developing body organs, along with this stuff called "brown fat". They call it this because its fat that's brown. Wow. Again my little baby mind is just STUNNED with the creativity of the medical world. "Brown fat" - yeah don't bust me up with all of your technical jargon. I'm surprised you don't call my ears "those little dishes that ya hear with" while you're at it.

To get back on topic, this brown fat stuff acts almost entirely as insulation. From what I've heard the outside world isn't a nice 98.6 degrees all the time, its usually much cooler. Yeah, even in Florida! And don't even get me started on the humidity in here. When I bust outta here in a few weeks, I think I'm going to be one of those guys that says, "Whooooo boy, how 'bout this heat?" Its a little low-brow and beneath me, but it manages to keep the tourists from saying it first.

Another big growth spurt that's taking place is in my brain of all places. First of all its obvious that I'm already pretty smart, witty, charming, and a damn smooth-talker. So can you imagine what's going to happen when my brain gets even BIGGER?? At last, I'm developing my greatest weapon in the quest for Baby World Domination. As it stands right now, I can already beat half of my family and friends in a good game of Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit. In fact, I can beat them in just about any game.

Except "Battleship". And we all know WHY they always win at battleship....because they CHEAT!!! For the love of fair play will you PLEASE quit moving your little ships around? I know I can't "miss" that many times if I tried. Seven straight games and not a single "hit"? I'm onto you daddy! Not that I haven't thought about cheating myself, but once I put them onto the board I can't manage to pull them out with these little baby hands I've got. But my time is coming. That's right.....victory will be mine!

Pardon the rant. Mommy just ate another glorious EGG SANDWICH and all of those WAVES AND WAVES OF YUMMY NUTRIENTS must have gone to my head. Yes simple woman, that was sarcasm. Let's put a few more pages in the ol' menu before I start to think that's what all food tastes like. After all, my taste buds are still developing in here. Lets not burn them out before i get to throw down on my first Five Guys Burger!

There's one more big development going on right now, as long as we're talking about growth spurts. My lungs are growing like crazy right now. As most of you know, lungs aren't just big bags of air - they've got all kinds of little "branches" in there with little bitty "air sacs" on them. These branches are growing, and the air sacs are sproutin'! I'm also getting a good workout by practicing my breathing. Of course, I'm stuck breathing in amniotic fluid instead of air. Yeah, the same fluid that I'm floating around in. The same fluid that I'm, uh, peeing in. You know the old expression "you don't crap where you eat?" Well, I'm violating the heck out of that saying. (With the exception being I'm not quite pooping yet)

Another cool thing that's going on in my lungs is that I'm also growing cells in there that are producing a very, very important substance. Its this stuff called "surfactant". Ever heard of it? Well I sure hadn't until I started producing it and then I realized how important it really is. Surfactant is this stuff that helps the air sacs in my lungs inflate after I'm born. Yep, breathing in air is a lot different from breathing in fluid, and this stuff will help kickstart everything. This is a big reason why you see really premature babies having trouble breathing - they haven't produced enough of this stuff to get the party started. With any luck I'll finish cookin' in here. Hopefully this stuff CAN be produced by the mother eating NOTHING BUT EGG SANDIWCHES!!! Good lord woman! They're freakin' eggs! And I'm sorry but salsa doesn't make it taste better. It just makes it taste like soggy egg! Can I get a mother flippin' Snickers bar in here? How about a 3 Musketeers?

Can you tell I'm tired of eggs? Geez. And she wonders why I kick and punch.

Oh, here's something really spooky. Remember that creepy visual I told you about that gave you nightmares a few weeks back? YOU KNOW - a thin skinned baby with colorless eyes, living under your bed? Don't act like that didn't freak you out! Anyways, I kinda forgot to tell you something about that. My HAIR is white too! HAHAHAHAHA That's right, cower in fear of the Sinister Albino Baby! It'll take me a while, but I'll eventually crawl over to you and creep you out with my pale baby looks. I swear, if it wasn't for me being so damn good looking I might actually LOOK freakish. Thank God I've got a handsome daddy and a good lookin' mama!

And uh, before I wrap this up, I need to ask for a little help here. Uh, anybody got a life preserver? A life raft? Oh I dunno, maybe some of those goofy little water wings? It might just be me, but I swear there's more amniotic fluid coming in here. I'm serious. Before it was cool because I could splash around, do some cool tricks like flipping and turning, maybe practice a little breathing and everything was okay. But NOW? Those floodwaters, they are a-risin'. I need your help because my parents won't do diddly. My mom thinks its "cute" that I have more fluid in here to float around in. And daddy? Well you know daddy. He's not the brightest bulb on the tree. Word has it he once got lost in a revolving door. He just laughed when I told him and started singing that Johnny Cash song, "Five Feet High and Risin'".

Moron.

So if you'd like to help keep me afloat, please help. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna have this fluid coming in here, but lets just say that Wombsville, USA is definitely not in threat of a drought.

Okay, now on to the polls. And much like voting in any other process, if you don't vote you can't complain! This week we've got TWO polls for ya. One is our normal baby names, and the other is a new one that daddy has started and will run until 1/1/10! That poll will ask - will I escape the womb and enter the world early, on time, or late? I mean, I COULD just come on out and tell you what my plan for escape is....but what's the fun in that? I wanna keep everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy and daddy - on their toes. So be sure to vote and put your best guess in!

And as far as the baby names go, this week we have "Derrick William Joiner" and "Joseph Andrew Joiner". Get out and vote....in both polls! And until next week, keep on stalkin', Baby Stalkers!

-BabyBoy Joiner