Week 26 - I Need a Vacation!

I need a vacation from the Celebration! Things are getting really crazy around here, and ol' BabyBoy Joiner needs a break! Now I know what you're thinking - why in the WORLD does a baby need vacation? Vacation from what? And where would I go? What would I do? Lets tackle these questions one at a time.

First for the why - mommy and daddy are driving me CRAZY! Both of them are on vacation this week, which to ME would follow up with the logical assumption of rest and relaxation. I don't know if they're doing this on purpose, but both of them seem to be working even HARDER than a normal week! How in the world is that possible? I thought vacations made you work LESS! At least they're doing all of this week for ME. That makes all of the movin' and shakin' in here a little more tolerable. They're moving boxes and furniture around to make room for me, PLUS daddy painted my room on thursday in preparation for my arrival.

What color? No, not orange and blue (although I've heard there's a LOT of that color around the house already). The official color name is like 4 or 5 words long, but I'll just simplify it and call it lime green. The reasoning for this is they say it goes with my new bedroom set, which is a Winnie the Pooh theme. I'm not sure exactly WHO Winnie the Pooh is yet, but he must be a real tough dude. Daddy thinks Winnie the Pooh is awesome, so I can only imagine he plays football, or blows things up, and that chicks dig him. Hang on, let me check this online.

What the deuce? He's a bear? A freakin' STUFFED BEAR??? With a shirt, beer belly and no pants? How does he not get ARRESTED for walking around like that? Good lord man, this is your idea of COOL? I INSIST you change my room decor IMMEDIATELY. And no more bears, little man. I want LIGHTNING BOLTS AND HAND GRENADES!!!!!

Okay its clearly obvious that I need a vacation. So where would I go, you ask? I admit that my travel options ARE a bit limited in here. I can basically just travel from East Uteria over to West Uteria and see what's going on over there. Then again I COULD travel to Northern edge of Uteria and relax by kicking ribs for a few days. Or I can head to the temperate climate of South Uteria and spend a few days playing "kick the bladder" with my former-nemesis-turned-lackey Placenta! (Always bet on me. I always win "kick the bladder" because Placenta has no legs)

But until I make my big trip to the outside world, I'm stuck in here blogging away. So lets get back to business with our weekly Baby Tale of the Tape. I'm growing like a weed in here. A pudgy little baby-weed! I'm up to 14 inches tall and weigh just a little under 2 pounds. Yeah, I've been beefing up. A man's gotta look good when he makes his big entrance, y'know? The baby fat continues to pile on but don't worry - daddy will have me on the Joiner family treadmill as soon as I bust outta here.

Wait'll you hear this - my ears are developing all sorts of new nerve pathways, which means I can hear better than ever! (That's why I said "wait'll you HEAR this"...get it? Ah nevermind) Daddy has already started reading a few books to me. First it was Dr. Seuss and the Berenstein Bears, but his last selection has me a little concerned. Isn't "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu just a WEE bit accelerated for me? Its too cryptic old man, lets get back to "Hop on Pop" and "The Cat and the Hat"!

Now is also the time for the both of them to update that music playlist and give me some good music to listen to. I'll listen to just about anything, but I prefer classic rock. Shhhhh!!! Don't tell my mom. She thinks I like soft baby-style melodies. I want it to be a surprise when I pop out and can recite the lyrics of the entire AC/DC "Back in Black" album to her. That oughtta freak her out pretty good. The coolest part about these really cool ears I've got is that not only do I HEAR the music, but I also can move to the rhythm too! That means I can sway back and forth, move my head around to the beat, and other tricks like that. Pretty cool huh? Yeah I know. Hey, its me - what ISN'T cool about me right now? Everybody loves a baby!

Well, except for the person that gets stuck changing me. Heh heh heh, I can't wait to drop a few bombs and laugh about it!

I'm continuing to practice my breathing in here now that my nose is opened up. I'm breathing in this liquid pretty easily now, and the GOOD news is that the amniotic fluid now gets replaced about every hour. Alright! Lets hear it for not floating around in my own waste! This accelerated recycling is just in time, because I've now got a fully functioning set of oil and sweat glands. So I guess if I need oil and sweat, I'm all set! (Yeah I made that rhyme on purpose) I also respond to touch better and better every week, although I continue to warn you against touching the belly. You wouldn't want to wake me. I get cranky when I don't get all the sleep I need. Just like daddy.

And now for the BIG news of the week. Want a hint? Guess who can play peek-a-boo right now? That's right - my eyelids finally separated, so I can see now! Let me tell you, this place isn't as impressive as I thought it would be. The walls are pretty much bare, this room is MUCH smaller than it first appeared to be, and Placenta is a hideous looking creature. How hideous? Lets just say he's a DISTANT second place in the "Handsome-Creatures-In-Mommy's-Belly" competition. And now it appears that this umbilical cord actually attaches me to him, like we're on some kind of prenatal chain-gang or something! What did I do to deserve this? I mean other than making mommy nauseous, then growing bigger and bigger, then kicking her incessantly in the ribs, bladder, and stomach....I've been a good boy!

There's not much else to look at in here, although one cool thing about BabyVision is that it allows me to tell the difference between light and dark now. If mommy were sleeping one night, and then all of a sudden my dad wanted to play a mean trick on her and shine a 2 million candlepower spotlight at her, I would TOTALLY get the joke....and then turn away from the light. And don't put it past him, he plays all sorts of wierd games with mommy. His favorites seem to be "Guess the smell", and "Guess what I'm not doing" when she asks him to do a favor for her. Quality guy huh? Yep, I've got some role model.

What else is going on.....oh, I'm on a pretty set schedule right now. I'm not talking about the whole eat, sleep, poop schedule that I'll carry through into my first year of life either. I'm talking about my sleep patterns. I wake up and go to sleep at around the same times every day. I also plan my activites out pretty regularly too. I mean, other than the usual shifts and kicks to "get comfortable" throughout the day, I tend to get most of my exercise around 9-9:30 at night. That also happens to be right about when mommy goes to sleep, so when her day ends, my fun begins! Seriously, I'm surprised she can sleep with all the action going on in here. My favorite is a sort of prewalking exercise where I "pedal" against mommy's body. I don't really walk anywhere (it doesn't take long to get from East Uteria to West Uteria), but the movements will get me ready for just after birth, where I expect daddy to hook me up with my first Marathon training schedule.

But before I begin my triumphant entrance into the running world, I'm going to need a name for all of my fans to call me. That brings us to the baby name poll of the week! This week we have two totally new suggestions, two of which that mommy and daddy both seemed to like. They're DIFFERENT to say the least, but they have a cool sounding ring to them for different reasons. First we have "Quinn Logan Joiner". Quinn Joiner - it takes a minute to get used to, but this name will grow on ya. My oh-so-wise parents picked this name for different reasons. Mommy picked it and likes it because it kinda has a link to her family. Daddy likes it because he said - and I quote - "Oh cool! The boat captain in Jaws was named Quint, which is kinda close, and that guy kicked butt!"

God help me - my dad likes the name that SOUNDS like the name of a fictitional fishing boat captain. But hey, it has a decent ring to it.

The second suggestion is Colton Thomas Joiner. Colt Joiner - short, simple, to the point. And no, its not because of Colt McCoy, who is probably the only "Colt" that pops into anybody's name right now. That guy is a tool. Everyone in their right mind knows that Tebow is the man in 2009!

So those are your choices - Quinn Joiner and/or Colt Joiner. And this week, daddy actually asked ME what my opinion was for the first time, and I responded. Thank God for these ears! Now I'M starting to give input on which names I like. I won't tell you which one I kicked for until next week - I don't want to put my bias out there. Head on over to the right side of the page and vote! Voice your opinion, lest I be saddled with a name so traumatic that I never recover!

Big baby news next week, so stay tuned. Until next week Baby Stalkers.....keep on Stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner