Week 22 - Torque Week!

Yeah, its TORQUE WEEK, and I'm sure my dad, grandpas, and uncles are impressed that I'm going to use the word "torque" correctly!

So what does a baby know about torque? Well I'm a little too young to go sliding under a car and start wrenching away at things, so that's not what I'm talking about. For all of you out there who nothing of what I am speaking, torque is the measure of a rotational force. (Daddy used to break these down into component vector forces back in college) So am I twisting and turning around in Wombsville? Sure, but that's not why this is "Torque Week". I've labeled this week (and technically, next week too) as "Torque Week" because I'm am right at a foot tall, and 1 pound in weight! Get it????

Oh for the love of modern education, you DON'T get it do you?

Torque is measured in foot-pounds. And since this is the time where I'm right at a foot tall and weigh a pound, I thought it was a pretty clever way to celebrate my move into the big boy world. Let me tell you there's few things more shameful than someone asking me what my weight is, and I have to tell them that my weight is measured in ounces. That's just sad. I'm a man, dammit! Okay, maybe just a baby boy. Maybe we can compromise and say I'm a BabyMan!

I like that new title. That rules. BABYMAN! Somebody should get me a cape. Then I could fly around the womb fighting crime and solving mysteries or something. That's right - BabyMan is protector of the young, the innocent, and apparently has the ability to go off on a tangent for long periods of time. How in the heck did my stream of consciousness lead me to this point? A second ago I was going a little over the top explaining my height and weight this week, and now I'm a crimefighter? I've gotta tell mom to lay off the ice cream. I must be getting baby brain-freeze or something.

So what's new in week 22? Here's something that'll give you nightmares just thinking about it - my eyes are formed, but right now the irises have no pigment to them. No blue, no brown, no "hazel", "green", or "gray". Just imagine a foot tall baby crawling at you with big, colorless eyes. And I live under your bed at night, occasionally vacationing in your closet with the door slightly cracked. Once you fall asleep, I crawl under your covers and......heh heh, I'll let the rest be a mystery. Sleep tight ladies!

As if you couldn't already tell, I've developed daddy's sick sense of humor. Its a wierd mixture of comic relief, personal anguish, and torture. Sorry, its genetic. Out of my control. AND I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, enough of my sickness. Lets get back to the baby news. My skin is red and wrinkly right now. To be honest I look a little ridiculous. Red.....wrinkly.....colorless eyes.....hiding under your bed. (Sorry, couldn't resist!) Anyways, the wrinkled skin isn't because I've been soaking in fluid like you after being in the pool too long. Remember the "vernix"? That's keeping me from getting all soggy. Its actually my skin just being SMART and anticipating that I'll be packing on the pounds in the coming weeks. Rather than be stretched to its limits, my skin is a little "oversized" right now. Hey, who ordered the extra-large baby suit? Just look at my parents - I'm a medium at best. A large if I like things roomy. But extra large? I look like a Shar-pei!

My pancreas is developing quite nicely now. Its starting to produce all sorts of hormones that I'll need. I'm not sure WHY I need them, or even what hormones are to be honest with you. All I know about them is that sometimes mommy acts wierd at home, and daddy says, "Must be the hormones"! So hormones make you do wierd, crazy things? Wait I'm confused....then what does "alcohol" do? I thought that was what.....oh never mind.

Here's a big relief - my fingernails are pretty much grown all the way in. I can't tell you what a relief this is because hey, I'm a guy. I'm a BabyMan to be exact and dammit, sometimes we've just gotta scratch! Go ahead and say "but you're a baby!" all you want - its genetic. I. NEED. TO. SCRATCH. Maybe my head is itching, or maybe I've got a tickle back on the ol' baby rump. If you think I'm crazy, go 22 weeks without scratching an itch and tell me how successful YOU are!

The LAST major development I've got to report here is that my inner ear has developed to the point that I've established my own sense of balance. Its helping me with my BabyMan dexterity. Now all of my punches and kicks to Mr. Placenta and his sidekick (mommy's bladder) are MUCH more accurate - and deadly. I'm practically ready to start training as a cage fighter.

The best part about getting my sense of balance really straightened out is I can start doing some really cool X-Games type maneuvers in here. If mommy thought I was "active" before, just wait! I'll start doing barrel-rolls, flipping, twisting and turning all over the place now. I gave them a preview of this new action the other night where daddy FINALLY felt my acrobatic maneuvers in action!

Alright, that's enough baby news for now. I don't want to spoil you with any more just yet. But now its time for the baby names of the week! This time we're not going to say which suggestion is which. Last week marked the first time that a name was completely shut-out in the voting - a first in BabyBoy Joiner Naming History. This week we'll see if mommy and daddy can come up with some better suggestions.

The first suggestion is "Mason Andrew Joiner", and the second is "Carter James Joiner". Which is the best of the week? I want YOUR input! It helps me exercise my veto power that I hold over mommy and daddy in the naming process.

Until next week, keep on stalkin'!
The BabyMan himself, BabyBoy Joiner

Week 21 - Blackjack!

Hey there stalkers! Baby Boy Joiner is back for another week of blogging fun. This is week 21 - or as daddy has been calling it, "Blackjack Week"!

He's calling it that because he's an idiot. Mixing babies with gambling? Good move there dad. Those are two worlds that really need to merge together....

Before I get started, let me just say THANK YOU to everybody out there that voted on the Twitter Poll last week. I didn't want to "tweet". I've never "tweeted", and if you HAD voted for me to do that then Placenta would've gotten all cocky since it was his idea. But now I can take the polls results back and tell him that he's as clueless as daddy for suggesting it! Let's face it - Twitter is for nerds and obsessive/compulsive people. I don't need to be lumped in with that kind of crowd.

Its been a busy week for sure. I finally let you guys know that I was a boy back on Tuesday, daddy's been working a ton of overtime, and mommy's in her full-blown "nesting phase". Now that's busy! Fortunately I've moved into a nice new phase of my life where I'm getting more and more REM sleep. Remember how I told you I started dreaming? Well I realized that dreaming is pretty cool so I'm doing a lot more of it.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was the first baby to finish the Disney Marathon. Then I dreamed last night that I was playing football for the University of Florida. Pretty cool, huh? I've also noticed that sometimes dreams just don't make any sense at all. How else can you explain Monday night's episode where I was swimming in a huge pool of Jello and being chased by hundreds of hammerhead sharks made out of gummi bears?

Come to think of it, mom HAS been eating a lot of sweets lately. Thanks a lot woman! Because of your incessant snacking I'm now forced to dream of a world made of candy. Just for that I'm going to make you crave a mixture of broccoli and spaghetti for the rest of my time in here! Curse you and your nonsensical eating habits!

Enough about HER though, lets get back to ME! I'm growing big and strong as you can see by my latest pictures (check the right side of the page for the new ones). Mom and dad were a little nervous going into the last doctor visit, so I decided to calm them down. (Don't think I'm going soft here - I wanted them to calm down so mom would let me go back to sleep!) As soon as the ultrasound lady started poking and prodding her way into my world with that infernal device, I gave them a "thumbs up" sign to let them know everything was fine in here.

Then I started striking several modeling poses. I think I did a great job posing, but that ultrasound lady is NO photographer. Absolutely NO creativity whatsoever! You've got all of THIS to work with, yet all you can do is take these prison-mugshot-style pictures! For the love of all things baby-related woman, have you no creativity? I've seen better pictures in Helen Keller's photo album. There ARE some pictures of my baby parts but I won't be posting those just yet because I have to censor them a bit. I don't want everybody out there getting jealous.

I had to work EXTRA HARD to bring my personality across in these pictures since this lady had no idea how to work with a model. So what did I do? I showed them my baby feet so they could tell I was going to be a great runner/football player one day, and then I made a little gun sign with my hand. Now I COULD tell you that I did that to show off just how cool I am, or to say that one day I'll be an expert pistol marksman, but that would be lying. That is my signal for BABY WORLD DOMINATION! True, there's not that much to dominate in here, but I own this place! That means you too Placenta! From now on, YOU work for ME!

BABY WORLD!!!!!!!

Whew, sorry about that. I got a little excited for a minute. Lets get back on subject here.....

To sum it all up in one little paragraph just doesn't do it justice, but lets just say the doctor visit showed us just how AWESOME I'm going to be. Every test came back fine, no problems whatsoever. The ultrasound showed a healthy heart, stomach, kidneys, you name it! It even showed my little baby bones which are good and strong. I'm still waiting for them to turn into stainless steel though. They're a little slow with that.

The best part is because daddy's put in a ton of overtime this week, mommy and daddy are going to use that money to make an appointment to go to one of those 3D-4D places and get some pictures and video so you can see in better detail just how good I look. I just hope the people at that place are better photographers than the lady at the hospital!

Lets take a quick look at the Baby Tale of the Tape. I'm up to about 11 inches tall and weigh about 3/4lb. Just think of how far I'm come in a matter of weeks! And think of how far the DOCTOR has come. She's finally stopped going by the "crown to rump" measurements and moved onto the big-boy height. 'Bout time!

What else is new in here? Well, my skin has gone from transparent to red. Thin, soft, and really really RED. Its better than being CLEAR don't get me wrong, but I can't wait to turn this red into my daddy's skin color. Red makes it look like I just got done screaming my head off or something.

Also, my digestive system is working by itself on a minimal basis, so I'm fairly self-sufficient. Again, all I'm processing right now is amniotic fluid, which tastes like whatever it is that mommy is eating. Right now it tastes a lot like ice cream. A little chocolate, a little mint flavored, with maybe a splash of cake in there somewhere. Its around this time that I start to figure out what my eating habits are, so whatever she eats usually becomes some of my favorite food.

And we wonder why kids have "sweet tooths"!

Alright, lets wrap this up. Mommy is about to leave for work and my internet connection is crappy when we get in her car and go for a ride. Time for a quick baby name poll! Obviously we aren't doing girl names anymore. That is, unless dad wants to adopt the "Boy Named Sue" philosophy and intentionally screw me up for life. This week you might be surprised though! For once I think that mommy is off her rocker with the name choice and, God help me for saying this, but my DAD'S choice might be the better one! Don't let me sway your opinion though, judge for yourself!

Daddy's choice this week is "Jeremy Allen Joiner", and mommy went with the more exotic "Remington James Joiner". If you ask me that name makes me think of two things - a snobby, pretentious guy.....or firearms. Could be really GOOD, or really BAD. See my point there? Anyways, go ahead and give us a vote on those two, and we'll catch up with you next week for some more baby bloggin' action!

Until then, keep on stalkin'!
-Baby Boy Joiner

Week 20.5 - The Big Announcement!

Okay ladies and gentlemen, its the big announcement you've all been waiting for. There were a total of 61 votes - or should I say guesses - if I was a boy or a girl. I think it was something like 39 (boy) to 22 (girl).

All I've gotta say is that, hey, MAJORITY RULES! Yep, I'm a boy! But come on, were you really surprised? With this kind of talk, attitude, and swagger, SURELY you thought I sounded like daddy! Anyways, I'll say all the details for the weekly blog, so check back then. I'll have the details along with this weeks other updates. Plus you can expect pictures, and a few new video clips at the bottom of the page! (Yes, waaaaaaaaaaay at the bottom.)

Until then, you can stop calling me baby and just call me SIR! That is, until we can think of a better name.

-The Boy Baby Joiner

Week 20 - Halfway There!

Its Week 20 and I'm feelin' kinda funny!

I'm also rhyming a lot, just like Muhammad Ali! Didn't you notice?

Its a time to celebrate, ladies and gents. Word around the womb is that I'm halfway done with serving my sentence in here. Another 20 weeks and I'll make my great escape. I got a few good ideas from daddy when he was watching "Escape from Alcatraz" on TV. That combined with my superior baby intellect might even get me out of here a few weeks early. Who knows?

As long as I get out of here in time to watch all of the BCS bowl games, I'll be one happy little baby. Besides, I'm tired of marking the days on my cell wall in here. Yeah, if you think that feels funny mom, just wait until I start writing my NAME in here! Or better yet, recreating some impressionist painting. You'll call it "kicking", but I'LL call it "slow mommy torture".

And if that isn't enough I'll kick you in the bladder again.

But enough about my scribbling on walls, lets get the Baby Tale of the Tape outta the way so we can get onto more interesting stuff. I'm up to 6.5" "tall" on that moronic doctor's "crown to rump" measuring system. However if you want to see how I stack up when measured like a NORMAL PERSON, I'm right at about 10", maybe a little taller depending on if I'm wearing my running shoes or not. Oh yeah, don't think for a second that I'm not taking advantage of this little bit of extra space while I have the chance. I run laps around that fat-tub-o-lard Placenta every day.

Again, mommy calls that "kicking". But what does SHE know? She calls everything I do "kicking". Hey mom, when I'm finally born and I cut loose with my first soiled diaper of the season, are you gonna call that "kicking" too? Because I'm gonna "kick" quite often. I'm talking several times a day. And it won't be pleasant. Better bring a gas mask for all that "kicking". And a little magazine for me to read.

I've put on more weight this week, despite all of my running. I'm blaming it on the fact that my bones are hardening. According to my baby calculations, I should go from regular bones to stainless steel armor in another 6-8 weeks. That's how it works, right? It only seems natural for a progression like that to occur. Anyways, check out this fun little fact - I'm quadrupled my body weight in the last 4 weeks. Pretty cool trick huh? If you're not impressed, then YOU do it in 4 weeks! So lets can all of the "fat baby" remarks. I'm GROWING, what's YOUR excuse?

On a whim, I checked a website and it said that I'm supposed to be 1/8th of my final body weight right now. So I did some simple baby math using my fingers and toes and based on THEIR calculation I'd be in the 5-6 pound range at birth. HA! Fat chance of that happening. They didn't take into account the "Joiner Factor" which clearly states that anyone in this family must eat tons of BBQ and fried chicken. That ALONE will put me up in the 8 or 9 pound range, maybe even 10 pounds! Yep, right where mom doesn't want me to be. Get ready for a lifetime of Baby Rebellion mama! It begins today!

News from the Womb is a little slow this week, but I do have a couple other things to tell you about. I'm swallowing a lot more often now. That'll give my itty bitty digestive system practice with tearing through things. First simple fluids, but once I bust out of here, I want nachos! And pizza, fried chicken, and BBQ. Not all at the same time though. What do you think I am, some kind of wierdo?

The BEST part of all of the digesting I'm doing is that I'm generating a lot of.....uh....well, the scientific term for it is "meconium". But you'd probably know it better by the street name, "baby poop". TRUST me, I'm building up quite a supply for that first little present to mommy and daddy.

If mommy and daddy weren't such tightwads and threw down a few bucks for a 3D-4D ultrasound, you could probably even see my eyelashes and eyebrows which are now easy to see. I don't really see a use for them just yet, but that's not the point. You could SEE THEM RIGHT NOW if they got an ultrasound! Tell mom and dad to quit being cheap and get one of these things done. I've gotta expand my portfolio so that everyone will know just HOW good looking I really am. Right now all they can see is an old ultrasound pic that looks like a wild weather system.

Oh, did you know that it takes 1-2 hours for the food that mommy eats to get all the way down to l'il ol' me? I'm not sure if this is the way its SUPPOSED to be, or if she's holding back and savoring the flavor before passing it on to me. Don't laugh, its true! The stuff I'm getting through my baby "food tube" umbilical cord is horrible! How bad does it taste, you ask? It tastes like food that's already been eaten, genius! Try choking some of THAT down and get back to me on what you think of the taste. So yeah, this is another thing that mommy is doing to make my stay in "baby prison" as unpleasant as possible. I think its supposed to be motivation for me to break outta here. Curse you woman! Just for that I'm going to eat everything in sight and I'll be 10 pounds for SURE when I get outta here. Large and in charge, that'll be me.

Okay, two more things I've gotta get off my waxy, gooey baby chest before we get to the names of the week, and they all involve VOTING! That's right - I need your input on a few different things. First off, you've only got a few more days to guess/vote on whether you think I'm a boy or a girl. That poll is over on the right side of the page with the rest of them. Go ahead, take your best guess! Last time I checked, a majority of you think I'm a boy, but you won't know for sure until Tuesday! So guess and see how you'll do in predicting things!

Next up, I have a tech-question for everyone. See, there's this new thing called "Twitter" that people are talking about. Mommy and daddy don't really understand it at all, but hey what else is new? These two aren't the most tech-savvy people on the planet. I bet I'll be the one teaching them things before my first birthday! Anyways, Placenta said that I should start to give Twitter updates throughout the week because some people that follow my baby blog just don't get enough from my once a week rants. (To these people, I say two words - CHILL THE HECK OUT!) Now normally I wouldn't take ANYTHING that Placenta says seriously, but it wasn't a BAD idea.

So I'll leave it up to a majority vote. You'll have a week to vote on whether or not you want Baby Joiner updates via twitter in ADDITION to the blog. Trust me, the blog ain't going nowhere. I can rant on this thing as long as I please and there's no WAY I'm giving that up for some dumb twitter thing. Vote with the rest of the stuff over on the right side of the screen.

And finally, we come to everyone's favorite part, the baby names of the week! Notice that I haven't really badmouthed daddy very much at all in this week's blog. Well the reason for that is that I was saving it all for the end. Why is HE allowed to name things? This guy shouldn't be allowed to name a BOAT, much less a person! His boy name of the week was "Trigger Pull Joiner". Yeah, Trigger Joiner. Are you kidding me? This man comes up with worse names for his kids than that Sarah Palin chick, who was naming her kids things like "outhouse", "recycle", and "slurpee"! The girl name was no better - this week's suggestion was "Missing Appendages Joiner", in the hope that would keep the guys away, at least through high school. Lord help me, the man's as smart as a bag o' hammers.

So forget those - let's talk MOM names. At least she tries!

This week the boy name is "Anthony William Joiner" and the girl name is "Heather Lynn Joiner". Like one? Both? Neither? Vote in this poll along with the rest on the right side of the page. By doing so, you're taking part in baby history!

Keep on stalkin'! I'll post a quick update on Tuesday to let you guys know if I'm a boy or a girl. Then expect a full blog-tastic update on friday!
-Baby Joiner

Week 19 - Pumping Iron!

Yeah, that's right, I'm pumping iron. Not like daddy in his early morning trips to the gym though. MY kind of pumping iron is STORING iron to help produce my own red blood cells. So then I can PUMP the IRON through my body. Get it? Pumping Iron? Its.....ah, forget it. I thought that was an awesome line. I spent all week thinking that up!

Ok, actually it was more like 30 seconds, but how do you expect me to keep track of time in here? My whole world consists of a fully enclosed room, no windows, only one exit, and no clocks on the wall! From what I hear from daddy, its like a Casino in Las Vegas but without all of the gambling and free drinks.

I'm making sense in here! Or should I say "senses"? My baby brain is kickin' into high gear, designating specialized areas for all of my different senses. I had a LITTLE bit of sensory action going on before (remember my whole deal with tasting amniotic fluid? Ugh!), but now things are in full swing. So now if I was outside of mommy's belly, I could smell her making her eggs every morning! I can taste even better, so pass some eggs my way mom! I can see light and dark better and better each day, and I feel it when mommy and daddy push on my belly in their pitiful attempt to make me move. Ha! Fat chance. I make all of my covert baby movements when you guys are sleeping. I know when this happens because my world turns on its side and mommy occasionally makes this little rumbly noise that daddy calls "snoring".

Hearing? That's another matter. It is developing just fine, but man I could put it on hold. Seriously. I've been hearing Daddy rant and rave about how he's getting rid of all of his "cool stuff" to make way for baby furniture. In fact, he was in my future room earlier this week disassembling a desk and moving things around. And you know what I did? I laughed! That's right old man! Get rid of your junk, because there's a baby on the way! And not just ANY baby, but Baby Joiner itself! Toil away in the future Den of Baby. I want it decked out in Winnie the Pooh from floor to ceiling, or heads will ROLL!

Now for this week's Tale of the Tape. I've put on some more weight now. Everyone is calling me "fat baby" right now and I'm only 8.5oz. Can you imagine the names they'll have once I'm born? Any wisecracks about my weight will be met with the Relentless Fury of Baby Joiner Fists, so all of you "outsiders" (my name for everyone outside this mommy-prison I'm locked down in) better watch your step!

Now for length. Or height. Whatever you want to call it. If it was up to me they should just call it height, but I actually hear some morons say "length" and most of these morons have the title "Doctor" ahead of their name. Seriously, I'm not laying down on the job here. I'm developing my l'il butt off! I increased my height by 8 percent in a week. Put that in perspective - that's like a full grown man getting 4 inches taller in just 7 days! So you doctors can kiss my little "head to rump" if you think I'm reclining in here. Enough with the "length" comments already! For the record, I'm 6 inches TALL now from my head to my little baby posterior. Add another few inches for my legs and I'm damn near a foot tall!

What else is new? Oh, pollution is a real problem in here. You think YOUR world is a mess? Mine is much smaller, so things are much more concentrated in here. What pollution am I speaking of? Well I may not have overflowing landfills or global warming in here, but you know what I do have? Pee. Yep, my kidneys have cranked into full gear now and I'm "sprayin' and prayin'" in here, a lot more than before! I'm trying to make the most of it though, so I'm turning it into a game. You know, kinda like those watergun games at the county fair where you have to shoot into a clown's mouth? Well, its roughly the same game, only my target is much better than a clown. Yes, that's right. My revenge plan against Mr. Placenta has taken shape. He is my primary target, and this game NEVER gets old!

Oh, here's another fun baby fact - my hair is starting to grow in! And I'm not talking about that little fuzzy hair that I've got growing all over me. I'm talking about the hair on my head! Right now I'm rockin' a little baby crewcut in here. Not much to work with yet, so I haven't bothered with a comb or anything. And no I'm not going to do any kind of stupid like style like a "Rayhawk" or anything. What kind of mouthbreathing idiots actually shave their hair into wierd shapes? It just looks like you fell asleep at the barber shop and the guy cutting your hair had an awesome sense of humor. True, hair will grow back, but your dignity won't. So for now I'm just doing the "natural" look.

Remember that waxy goo that I told you about last week? Now that I think about it, that stuff might be okay after all. Otherwise I'd be floating around in liquid for another 5 months with no protection. Think about it - you "prune up" in the tub or pool after what, an HOUR or two?? Yeah, go soak in a tub for 5 months and then see what YOU look like. So for now I guess its a necessary evil that I'll deal with. It is kinda fun. Like I said, my whole world is a slip 'n slide!

I told you earlier about my plan to come out and play when mom and dad are sleeping, so naturally I catch some z's when they're moving around. You know what else happens? I dream! Yep, I learned how to dream, and boy have I had some doozies in here. Most of them revolve around me and my battles with my arch nemesis the Placenta. After all how much else do I really have to dream about? Not much material to draw from in here. I DO have a frequent nightmare where daddy just won't BE QUIET. Oh wait, that's not a dream. That happens EVERY DAY!!! How about you shut that flapping trap you call a mouth and let me grow in peace?!!

I've developed little baby teeth "buds". The moronic doctors call these "milk teeth buds". Seriously? Milk teeth? When have teeth EVER helped you ingest milk? If anything, you'd think that they would get in the way. Boy these doctors sure think really carefully before they name things. Like your "funnybone". Trust me, there ain't a dang thing "funny" about hitting this thing!

So that's why you go to school for another 7 years or so, to invent stupid names for stuff? Wow, that's putting your family's money to good use there! Anyways I'm getting off track. The new development in the teeth category is that I've made little permanent teeth buds behind the "milk teeth buds". Yeah, that's what the doctors officially call it - "permanent teeth buds". Wow. Great job guys. Really excellent work. Did ONE of you come up with that, or was it a group effort?

And speaking of names, yes it is that time again. Mommy thought of some more great suggests, while daddy continues to try to scar me with names that you wouldn't even find on a cartoon. He could actually suggest "Wile E. Coyote Joiner" and it would sound better than some of his recent ideas. He actually suggested, "Rock Nasty Joiner" for a boy name, which makes me think that he isn't really even trying to come up with names anymore but rather just throws random words together. For the GIRL names at least you can tell he's paying attention. Maybe a little TOO MUCH attention. Seriously daddy, the name "Pretty Butdeadly Joiner" is a bit much. I think all those miles you run on the treadmill are starting to shake something loose in your noggin!

So lets just skip his suggestions and get to mommy's ideas, which are usually much more realistic and less likely to scar me for life. For a boy name she decided on "Jackson Andrew Joiner". Daddy loved this one by the way, but then said he'd call the baby "Rock Nasty" for short.

He's an idiot.

For the girl name, she settled on "Christine Marie Joiner". Much better than "Pretty Butdeadly", don't ya think? Don't forget to vote on these names over on the right side of the page. Every vote counts!

That's it for now. The countdown is on! August 18th will be the big announcement, but I will have another posting next week. So stay tuned Baby Stalkers! The next week or two is going to get REALLY exciting!

-Baby Joiner

Week 18 - Bringin' the News, Bringin' the Funk

Its Week 18, ya bunch of stalkers! Time for your weekly fix of Baby News.

First of all, let's get the height and weight stuff out of the way, since that seems to be what everyone is always asking about. I'm now about 5 and a half inches long from "head to rump". Although I am getting taller, you know what's getting shorter? My patience on this whole "head to rump" measurement. I mean really, who DOES that? Daddy went in to get measured for a tux the other day and they didn't measure HIM that way! I know if the dude at the tux shop had measured from "head to rump" on HIM, there would be a serious beat-down involved.

OK forget the height rant. I'm seriously over that. I hear that in the next couple of weeks they'll be measuring me from head to toe like a normal human being. Luckily there's no baby-fractions involved when it comes to estimating baby weight. Yes, they actually include my leg weight even if they don't count their length. I'm up to about a half pound right now. That's two McDonalds Quarter Pounders! Yeah I'm plumping up rather nicely in here.

I'm starting to flex my arms (like daddy!) and legs in here. I thought I better stretch and move while I'm still little-bitty-baby-sized because before long I hear things will be getting cramped in here. Well, I'll either be getting bigger or the room is getting smaller. Not really sure which. Oh, remember how I told you last week I had a plan to rid myself of my lazy roommate, Mr. Placenta? I'll spare you the details but lets just say that guy ain't budging. Seriously. I lost the tug o' war with that one.

My skin is still pretty transparent. I can actually see my little blood vessels. When oh WHEN am I going to get my daddy's skin color? I could really use a good tan right about now. I actually thought about taking a little vacation, getting away from here for a few days. You know, just pop outside and get some sun. Knowing daddy, he'd probably make me mow the lawn or something though. Hmmmmm......manual labor in the florida heat, or transparent skin and months of relaxation. Yeah, I think I'll stay put.

My skin isn't just transparent, its also covered in some kind of greasy, waxy goo. I'm all slippery, so this whole room is my own personal slip-n-slide. Between that and all of the flexing I'm doing in here, I think mommy and daddy might have felt me moving around a little. Curse you, baby goo! I could've stayed under the radar for a couple more weeks if it wasn't for you. You must be in cahoots with that "placenta" troublemaker. Come on mom! I don't have a towel in here to wipe off with. Not a towel, washcloth, napkin, not even a freakin' "wet one"!

Mom must have done that intentionally. She swears that this nasty goo is actually GOOD for me! I'm being fed all sorts of lies about how it protects me from getting bruised, cut, and chapped in here. She even went so far as to say it's going to help with my eventual escape out of this baby prison. But its all lies! Damn dirty baby lies! I can't trust this woman. She doesn't want me to have a towel in here because she discovered my plans to make a rope ladder and escape from the womb. That's what I get for trusting "placenta" with my plans. Never again, placenta!

Okay, deep breaths. Deep, amniotic fluid breaths. Calm down. Whew! Sorry 'bout that. I rant just like daddy.

Remember how I told you how I'm changing from cartilage to bone? Well that doesn't happen overnight. I'm still in a nice transitional period, but its really cool to be a little tougher. It makes pushing on mommy's bladder that much more fun. In fact, I've discovered that how hard I push on her bladder is directly proportional to the speed at which she runs to the bathroom. I call it "Baby Joiner's Law".

I just realized something - I need to get you guys to bug my mom and/or dad. Let them know that if they weren't such cheapskates and actually sprung for a 3D-4D ultrasound, all of you stalkers out there would know if I was a boy or girl for SURE by now! All of my parts are formed and there is now NO DOUBT that I'm a......oops! Almost let the cat outta the bag there! OK, if you're really patient and DON'T flip to the end of this week's blog, maybe I'll leave you a hint there. But NONE of you are allowed to look ahead! One person cheats and the deal is OFF!

My hearing is constantly improving from day to day. I've gone from just hearing mommy's heartbeat to hearing all sorts of outside sounds like music and even other people's conversations! Sadly, I can also hear Daddy's voice clear as day. For the love of all things Baby Related, will ONE of you tell this man to take this baby stuff seriously? I actually heard him tell mommy that we didn't need a "Baby Bouncy Chair" because he'd just get some bungee cords and duct tape and make one. What the hell?!! I WANT A BABY BOUNCY CHAIR YOU CHEAP ASS! Go to Babies 'R Us and get me a REAL one. Oh, and I want one that hooks up to my mp3 player too. Make it snappy, Old Man!

I apologize for my recently expanded vocabulary. My parents have cable TV so I've learned all sorts of interesting lingo. Its also made me wonder why shows like "Wheel of Fortune" are still on the air, and why everybody and their grandma has a talk show now. Does anyone really think that Tyra Banks has any meaningful input into today's society? If you answered "yes" to that question, do me a favor - don't reproduce.

Okay, now we move onto another week of poor baby name choices. I shouldn't even TELL you what daddy has been suggesting this week. Or wait, maybe I should. I'll tell you what, text "DADDYNAME" to 555-4970 if you want to hear his suggestions, or "HECKNO" to 555-4971 if you don't. I'll wait for the votes to be tallied, and then we'll carry on.

***BABY INTERMISSION - VOTES ARE BEING TALLIED***

The results are back, and believe it or not you guys actually WANT to hear daddy's names of the week. You guys are sick. Seriously. I bet you slow down at traffic accidents to look for the bodies also, don't you?

What's that? You don't believe that we actually tallied all of the phone votes? Well, no DUH! But I figured if millions of people are dumb enough to think that their votes count and are actually tallied on shows like "American Idol", then I'd get at least a FEW of you to dial that number. Ha ha ha ha ha...SUCKERS!

Ok, its name time. Daddy suggested "Iron Man Joiner" this week for the boy name, and "Mydaddyswrath Willbedeadly Joiner" for a girl. Get the feeling he'd be a little overprotective if I'm a girl? Geez dad, calm down. Relax. Have a Slim Jim. Don't be so nervous!

Now for the more relevant names that Mommy picked this week. She mixed things up a bit with some previous names and came up with "Andrew James Joiner" for the boy name. They've suggested "Andrew" and "James", just not together. As for the girl name, she settled on "Jacqueline Leigh Joiner". Let them know what you think by voting over on the right side of the page! Remember, by participating in this you're saving a human being from a lifetime of teasing and ridicule!

Alright and now for the baby gender hint. I'm a ....... GATOR! Hey, sorry, I was totally going to give you a hint but over HALF of you broke the rules and looked ahead. Thanks for ruining it for everyone else. Now you have to wait until the 18th. Until next week, keep stalkin'!

-Baby Joiner

Week 17 - The Latest in All Things Baby-Related!

Hey Stalkers! Its Baby Joiner with the Week 17 update!

First off, an update from the doctor! Mommy and daddy took me to the hospital again for a quick checkup. The doctors took some more blood (really guys? More blood? How much do you NEED??) and listened to my heartbeat again. You should’ve been there, my heartbeat was rockin’ the house! It was nice and loud, and even stronger than before. There would be some great audio of this too, but SOMEBODY forgot to bring his video camera. Nice job dad. Way to let me down. I know now that I’ll be leaping head first out of the womb and into a world of disappointment with you at the helm. Don’t let it happen again!

On a positive note, we’ve decided that my big announcement will take place on the eve of August 18th! Yes, at last the world will know whether I’m a boy or a girl. An “innie” or an “outtie”, if you will. Indoor or outdoor plumbing. At this age they could easily take me to one of those 3D-4D ultrasound places but nooooooooooo, they want to make all of you wait! Well either that or they’re just a couple of penny-pinchin’ cheapskates. So mark it on your calendars, my little baby stalkers. This will be the only non-Friday blog that gets posted. Such a big announcement just can’t wait for days!

But enough about me, let’s talk about……well, ME! Dear God, what am I saying? This whole blog is about ME! That’s what you came here for, right? So lets quit dawdling and get right to the latest info!

This just in from the Baby Joiner Newsroom – I’m getting pretty big! Yep, I have to keep moving mom’s innards around so I can stretch out and relax. Right now I weigh 5 ounces and measure about 5 inches tall from “head to rump”. Why they don’t bother to include my LEGS in the measurement is beyond me. If you were to hold out your hand, I would JUST fit in your hand with my legs dangling over the edge. (Yes, I see you sitting there holding your hands out trying to imagine it!) By the way, many thanks to daddy this week for not comparing me to some sort of food item. That was really getting old. I finally told him, “Don’t compare your baby to food unless you want me to wind up as a vegetable!”

Get it? Food? Vegetable? Ah, forget it. I thought it was damn funny.

So yeah, I’ve got a 5 inch body, and you’ve gotta figure my legs add on about another 2-3 inches. What does this mean for me in here? A whole lotta FUN TIMES, that’s what! Now I can simultaneously kick mommy in the diaphragm and punch her in the bladder. Man, you should see her RUN when I punch that bladder! This could very well be one of my most entertaining activities! I highly suggest you try it sometime. If your day is a little slow, just walk up to somebody and punch them in the bladder! They put on quite a show.

As I’m getting bigger, you know what ELSE is happening? I’m getting TOUGHER too! Way back when I was younger, I was framed up with just cartilage. I tell people that I was like a shark – it sounds a lot cooler than “I was all bendy on the inside”. NOW my skeleton is changing into BONE. That’s right, little baby bone. Much tougher than cartilage. I can only assume with this type of material progression that I’ll be born with a Stainless Steel skeleton. Or maybe titanium, or adamantium like in that movie with that guy. I think it was called, “The Man with the really heavy body”. Wait, maybe not…

Guess what else is getting tougher? My umbilical cord! And here I thought it was just for feeding. Now I can do all sorts of fun rope tricks with it. Just yesterday I jumped rope with it for about a half hour, then I lassoed that infernal placenta because it looked at me funny. Then I hogtied it for meddling in my affairs and moved on.

There’s also this new development called “fat”. For some reason I’m getting pudgy all over and I can’t figure out why. I guess its supposed to be natural, but I’m swelling up like that Michelin Man. So I set out on a mission to find out what this “fat” is. I asked my daddy what “fat” was, and he said, “Oprah”.

Yeah. Great. Way to go, old man. 35 years outside the womb and that’s your grand revelation? Curse you and your stunted mental faculties!

OK, so what’s fat? I’m still trying to figure out. I asked mommy but she didn’t hear me. She was too busy watching “Two and a Half Men” at full volume. Then she fell asleep on the couch. So I guess I’m on my own here. Something better happen soon with all this swelling though. Daddy says that 2/3 of my body weight will be “fat” when I’m born. MORE swelling? At this rate, I’m going to end up looking like Winston Churchill in my baby pictures!

Uh huh, that’s right. I know who Winston Churchill is. My daddy watches the History Channel and the Military Channel. Nonstop. Seriously dad, can’t we work in a few cartoons now and then? Maybe some Winnie the Pooh or even the Wiggles?

Oh, speaking of Pooh. Guess what my latest project is? POO! And I’m not talking about a cuddly little bear who steals honey and runs around with a shirt on and no pants.

Not to get sidetracked, but how come Pooh always got away with running around bottomless? Everybody thought he was cute that way, but when daddy did that at a football game all of a sudden it’s a big deal and everybody gets offended. Don’t worry though – he hasn’t done that in at least 2 or 3 weeks.

I’m getting off subject, so let me get back to the poo. Yep, that’s right – I’m working on my first baby poop right now! Just what you wanted to hear, isn’t it? Hey, it takes a while when all you’re eating is amniotic fluid and whatever comes down the ol’ food tube! But don’t worry, I’m not gonna crank out anything nasty when I’m in here. No way. You don’t poop where you eat. And sleep. And live. Instead, I’m going to start a collection, and when I’m born my revenge plot will begin.

I’ll let forth a mighty cry, turn beet red, shut my eyes, and RELEASE THE HOUNDS! Then I’ll laugh as daddy cleans it all up. Then I’ll poop again. And again. And again. Yet another fun game that I can’t wait to play!

Oh, remember how I said I asked daddy what “fat” was? Okay, just forget his idiotic response. Really. I’m trying to now. I can’t believe I’m related to this guy. Instead notice that I HEARD him! Yep, my ears are sticking out from my head now. Not all Will-Smith-like, but they’re standing out enough that it helps me hear things. All of my little inside-the-head-ear-parts are coming together nicely too.

This whole “hearing” thing is weird though. I’ve noticed that what I hear varies a LOT depending on who is nearby. Well technically mom is ALWAYS nearby, but whenever dad is around a hear a lot of rock music. Heck, I’m not even BORN yet and even I know the words to “Free Bird”! I heard this knowledge will come in handy when I visit Uncle Dave and Aunt Vivian. But when mommy’s in charge, I hear music that daddy describes as “rap crap”. I’ve gotta admit I like the way the beats feel in here, but I also like to jam out to some AC/DC with daddy. Ah well, maybe I’ll fake them BOTH out and get into Rockabilly or Polka or something.

Alright, I’m starting to get some baby-sized carpal tunnel syndrome here. That can only mean that its time to wrap this thing up with a little voting from the masses! Mommy and daddy may appreciate you giving them your opinions on baby names, but I PROMISE you that I appreciate them more. I swear, just this week daddy wanted the boy name of the week to be – and I’m quoting him here – “Voltron Asskicker Joiner”. And if that wasn’t bad enough, his girl name suggestion was “Donttouchme Mydaddyhasashotgun Joiner”. Really dad? That’s it? How is THAT going to look on a business card? Answer me, you addle-minded lunatic! Get that little hamster wheel in your cranium spinning and lets get some REAL suggestions in here.

Thank God mommy actually takes these things seriously! Her boy name suggestion is “Connor James Joiner” and the girl name suggestion is “Olivia Grace Joiner”. What do you think? Did she give me a couple o’ keeper names here or is she off her rocker like daddy? Vote over on the right side and let me know!

Be sure to check back next week! I have plans to rid myself of this cursed placenta character once and for all. Will I be successful? Only time will tell. Keep stalking!

-Baby Joiner