Week 18 - Bringin' the News, Bringin' the Funk

Its Week 18, ya bunch of stalkers! Time for your weekly fix of Baby News.

First of all, let's get the height and weight stuff out of the way, since that seems to be what everyone is always asking about. I'm now about 5 and a half inches long from "head to rump". Although I am getting taller, you know what's getting shorter? My patience on this whole "head to rump" measurement. I mean really, who DOES that? Daddy went in to get measured for a tux the other day and they didn't measure HIM that way! I know if the dude at the tux shop had measured from "head to rump" on HIM, there would be a serious beat-down involved.

OK forget the height rant. I'm seriously over that. I hear that in the next couple of weeks they'll be measuring me from head to toe like a normal human being. Luckily there's no baby-fractions involved when it comes to estimating baby weight. Yes, they actually include my leg weight even if they don't count their length. I'm up to about a half pound right now. That's two McDonalds Quarter Pounders! Yeah I'm plumping up rather nicely in here.

I'm starting to flex my arms (like daddy!) and legs in here. I thought I better stretch and move while I'm still little-bitty-baby-sized because before long I hear things will be getting cramped in here. Well, I'll either be getting bigger or the room is getting smaller. Not really sure which. Oh, remember how I told you last week I had a plan to rid myself of my lazy roommate, Mr. Placenta? I'll spare you the details but lets just say that guy ain't budging. Seriously. I lost the tug o' war with that one.

My skin is still pretty transparent. I can actually see my little blood vessels. When oh WHEN am I going to get my daddy's skin color? I could really use a good tan right about now. I actually thought about taking a little vacation, getting away from here for a few days. You know, just pop outside and get some sun. Knowing daddy, he'd probably make me mow the lawn or something though. Hmmmmm......manual labor in the florida heat, or transparent skin and months of relaxation. Yeah, I think I'll stay put.

My skin isn't just transparent, its also covered in some kind of greasy, waxy goo. I'm all slippery, so this whole room is my own personal slip-n-slide. Between that and all of the flexing I'm doing in here, I think mommy and daddy might have felt me moving around a little. Curse you, baby goo! I could've stayed under the radar for a couple more weeks if it wasn't for you. You must be in cahoots with that "placenta" troublemaker. Come on mom! I don't have a towel in here to wipe off with. Not a towel, washcloth, napkin, not even a freakin' "wet one"!

Mom must have done that intentionally. She swears that this nasty goo is actually GOOD for me! I'm being fed all sorts of lies about how it protects me from getting bruised, cut, and chapped in here. She even went so far as to say it's going to help with my eventual escape out of this baby prison. But its all lies! Damn dirty baby lies! I can't trust this woman. She doesn't want me to have a towel in here because she discovered my plans to make a rope ladder and escape from the womb. That's what I get for trusting "placenta" with my plans. Never again, placenta!

Okay, deep breaths. Deep, amniotic fluid breaths. Calm down. Whew! Sorry 'bout that. I rant just like daddy.

Remember how I told you how I'm changing from cartilage to bone? Well that doesn't happen overnight. I'm still in a nice transitional period, but its really cool to be a little tougher. It makes pushing on mommy's bladder that much more fun. In fact, I've discovered that how hard I push on her bladder is directly proportional to the speed at which she runs to the bathroom. I call it "Baby Joiner's Law".

I just realized something - I need to get you guys to bug my mom and/or dad. Let them know that if they weren't such cheapskates and actually sprung for a 3D-4D ultrasound, all of you stalkers out there would know if I was a boy or girl for SURE by now! All of my parts are formed and there is now NO DOUBT that I'm a......oops! Almost let the cat outta the bag there! OK, if you're really patient and DON'T flip to the end of this week's blog, maybe I'll leave you a hint there. But NONE of you are allowed to look ahead! One person cheats and the deal is OFF!

My hearing is constantly improving from day to day. I've gone from just hearing mommy's heartbeat to hearing all sorts of outside sounds like music and even other people's conversations! Sadly, I can also hear Daddy's voice clear as day. For the love of all things Baby Related, will ONE of you tell this man to take this baby stuff seriously? I actually heard him tell mommy that we didn't need a "Baby Bouncy Chair" because he'd just get some bungee cords and duct tape and make one. What the hell?!! I WANT A BABY BOUNCY CHAIR YOU CHEAP ASS! Go to Babies 'R Us and get me a REAL one. Oh, and I want one that hooks up to my mp3 player too. Make it snappy, Old Man!

I apologize for my recently expanded vocabulary. My parents have cable TV so I've learned all sorts of interesting lingo. Its also made me wonder why shows like "Wheel of Fortune" are still on the air, and why everybody and their grandma has a talk show now. Does anyone really think that Tyra Banks has any meaningful input into today's society? If you answered "yes" to that question, do me a favor - don't reproduce.

Okay, now we move onto another week of poor baby name choices. I shouldn't even TELL you what daddy has been suggesting this week. Or wait, maybe I should. I'll tell you what, text "DADDYNAME" to 555-4970 if you want to hear his suggestions, or "HECKNO" to 555-4971 if you don't. I'll wait for the votes to be tallied, and then we'll carry on.

***BABY INTERMISSION - VOTES ARE BEING TALLIED***

The results are back, and believe it or not you guys actually WANT to hear daddy's names of the week. You guys are sick. Seriously. I bet you slow down at traffic accidents to look for the bodies also, don't you?

What's that? You don't believe that we actually tallied all of the phone votes? Well, no DUH! But I figured if millions of people are dumb enough to think that their votes count and are actually tallied on shows like "American Idol", then I'd get at least a FEW of you to dial that number. Ha ha ha ha ha...SUCKERS!

Ok, its name time. Daddy suggested "Iron Man Joiner" this week for the boy name, and "Mydaddyswrath Willbedeadly Joiner" for a girl. Get the feeling he'd be a little overprotective if I'm a girl? Geez dad, calm down. Relax. Have a Slim Jim. Don't be so nervous!

Now for the more relevant names that Mommy picked this week. She mixed things up a bit with some previous names and came up with "Andrew James Joiner" for the boy name. They've suggested "Andrew" and "James", just not together. As for the girl name, she settled on "Jacqueline Leigh Joiner". Let them know what you think by voting over on the right side of the page! Remember, by participating in this you're saving a human being from a lifetime of teasing and ridicule!

Alright and now for the baby gender hint. I'm a ....... GATOR! Hey, sorry, I was totally going to give you a hint but over HALF of you broke the rules and looked ahead. Thanks for ruining it for everyone else. Now you have to wait until the 18th. Until next week, keep stalkin'!

-Baby Joiner