Week 19 - Pumping Iron!

Yeah, that's right, I'm pumping iron. Not like daddy in his early morning trips to the gym though. MY kind of pumping iron is STORING iron to help produce my own red blood cells. So then I can PUMP the IRON through my body. Get it? Pumping Iron? Its.....ah, forget it. I thought that was an awesome line. I spent all week thinking that up!

Ok, actually it was more like 30 seconds, but how do you expect me to keep track of time in here? My whole world consists of a fully enclosed room, no windows, only one exit, and no clocks on the wall! From what I hear from daddy, its like a Casino in Las Vegas but without all of the gambling and free drinks.

I'm making sense in here! Or should I say "senses"? My baby brain is kickin' into high gear, designating specialized areas for all of my different senses. I had a LITTLE bit of sensory action going on before (remember my whole deal with tasting amniotic fluid? Ugh!), but now things are in full swing. So now if I was outside of mommy's belly, I could smell her making her eggs every morning! I can taste even better, so pass some eggs my way mom! I can see light and dark better and better each day, and I feel it when mommy and daddy push on my belly in their pitiful attempt to make me move. Ha! Fat chance. I make all of my covert baby movements when you guys are sleeping. I know when this happens because my world turns on its side and mommy occasionally makes this little rumbly noise that daddy calls "snoring".

Hearing? That's another matter. It is developing just fine, but man I could put it on hold. Seriously. I've been hearing Daddy rant and rave about how he's getting rid of all of his "cool stuff" to make way for baby furniture. In fact, he was in my future room earlier this week disassembling a desk and moving things around. And you know what I did? I laughed! That's right old man! Get rid of your junk, because there's a baby on the way! And not just ANY baby, but Baby Joiner itself! Toil away in the future Den of Baby. I want it decked out in Winnie the Pooh from floor to ceiling, or heads will ROLL!

Now for this week's Tale of the Tape. I've put on some more weight now. Everyone is calling me "fat baby" right now and I'm only 8.5oz. Can you imagine the names they'll have once I'm born? Any wisecracks about my weight will be met with the Relentless Fury of Baby Joiner Fists, so all of you "outsiders" (my name for everyone outside this mommy-prison I'm locked down in) better watch your step!

Now for length. Or height. Whatever you want to call it. If it was up to me they should just call it height, but I actually hear some morons say "length" and most of these morons have the title "Doctor" ahead of their name. Seriously, I'm not laying down on the job here. I'm developing my l'il butt off! I increased my height by 8 percent in a week. Put that in perspective - that's like a full grown man getting 4 inches taller in just 7 days! So you doctors can kiss my little "head to rump" if you think I'm reclining in here. Enough with the "length" comments already! For the record, I'm 6 inches TALL now from my head to my little baby posterior. Add another few inches for my legs and I'm damn near a foot tall!

What else is new? Oh, pollution is a real problem in here. You think YOUR world is a mess? Mine is much smaller, so things are much more concentrated in here. What pollution am I speaking of? Well I may not have overflowing landfills or global warming in here, but you know what I do have? Pee. Yep, my kidneys have cranked into full gear now and I'm "sprayin' and prayin'" in here, a lot more than before! I'm trying to make the most of it though, so I'm turning it into a game. You know, kinda like those watergun games at the county fair where you have to shoot into a clown's mouth? Well, its roughly the same game, only my target is much better than a clown. Yes, that's right. My revenge plan against Mr. Placenta has taken shape. He is my primary target, and this game NEVER gets old!

Oh, here's another fun baby fact - my hair is starting to grow in! And I'm not talking about that little fuzzy hair that I've got growing all over me. I'm talking about the hair on my head! Right now I'm rockin' a little baby crewcut in here. Not much to work with yet, so I haven't bothered with a comb or anything. And no I'm not going to do any kind of stupid like style like a "Rayhawk" or anything. What kind of mouthbreathing idiots actually shave their hair into wierd shapes? It just looks like you fell asleep at the barber shop and the guy cutting your hair had an awesome sense of humor. True, hair will grow back, but your dignity won't. So for now I'm just doing the "natural" look.

Remember that waxy goo that I told you about last week? Now that I think about it, that stuff might be okay after all. Otherwise I'd be floating around in liquid for another 5 months with no protection. Think about it - you "prune up" in the tub or pool after what, an HOUR or two?? Yeah, go soak in a tub for 5 months and then see what YOU look like. So for now I guess its a necessary evil that I'll deal with. It is kinda fun. Like I said, my whole world is a slip 'n slide!

I told you earlier about my plan to come out and play when mom and dad are sleeping, so naturally I catch some z's when they're moving around. You know what else happens? I dream! Yep, I learned how to dream, and boy have I had some doozies in here. Most of them revolve around me and my battles with my arch nemesis the Placenta. After all how much else do I really have to dream about? Not much material to draw from in here. I DO have a frequent nightmare where daddy just won't BE QUIET. Oh wait, that's not a dream. That happens EVERY DAY!!! How about you shut that flapping trap you call a mouth and let me grow in peace?!!

I've developed little baby teeth "buds". The moronic doctors call these "milk teeth buds". Seriously? Milk teeth? When have teeth EVER helped you ingest milk? If anything, you'd think that they would get in the way. Boy these doctors sure think really carefully before they name things. Like your "funnybone". Trust me, there ain't a dang thing "funny" about hitting this thing!

So that's why you go to school for another 7 years or so, to invent stupid names for stuff? Wow, that's putting your family's money to good use there! Anyways I'm getting off track. The new development in the teeth category is that I've made little permanent teeth buds behind the "milk teeth buds". Yeah, that's what the doctors officially call it - "permanent teeth buds". Wow. Great job guys. Really excellent work. Did ONE of you come up with that, or was it a group effort?

And speaking of names, yes it is that time again. Mommy thought of some more great suggests, while daddy continues to try to scar me with names that you wouldn't even find on a cartoon. He could actually suggest "Wile E. Coyote Joiner" and it would sound better than some of his recent ideas. He actually suggested, "Rock Nasty Joiner" for a boy name, which makes me think that he isn't really even trying to come up with names anymore but rather just throws random words together. For the GIRL names at least you can tell he's paying attention. Maybe a little TOO MUCH attention. Seriously daddy, the name "Pretty Butdeadly Joiner" is a bit much. I think all those miles you run on the treadmill are starting to shake something loose in your noggin!

So lets just skip his suggestions and get to mommy's ideas, which are usually much more realistic and less likely to scar me for life. For a boy name she decided on "Jackson Andrew Joiner". Daddy loved this one by the way, but then said he'd call the baby "Rock Nasty" for short.

He's an idiot.

For the girl name, she settled on "Christine Marie Joiner". Much better than "Pretty Butdeadly", don't ya think? Don't forget to vote on these names over on the right side of the page. Every vote counts!

That's it for now. The countdown is on! August 18th will be the big announcement, but I will have another posting next week. So stay tuned Baby Stalkers! The next week or two is going to get REALLY exciting!

-Baby Joiner