Week 17 - The Latest in All Things Baby-Related!

Hey Stalkers! Its Baby Joiner with the Week 17 update!

First off, an update from the doctor! Mommy and daddy took me to the hospital again for a quick checkup. The doctors took some more blood (really guys? More blood? How much do you NEED??) and listened to my heartbeat again. You should’ve been there, my heartbeat was rockin’ the house! It was nice and loud, and even stronger than before. There would be some great audio of this too, but SOMEBODY forgot to bring his video camera. Nice job dad. Way to let me down. I know now that I’ll be leaping head first out of the womb and into a world of disappointment with you at the helm. Don’t let it happen again!

On a positive note, we’ve decided that my big announcement will take place on the eve of August 18th! Yes, at last the world will know whether I’m a boy or a girl. An “innie” or an “outtie”, if you will. Indoor or outdoor plumbing. At this age they could easily take me to one of those 3D-4D ultrasound places but nooooooooooo, they want to make all of you wait! Well either that or they’re just a couple of penny-pinchin’ cheapskates. So mark it on your calendars, my little baby stalkers. This will be the only non-Friday blog that gets posted. Such a big announcement just can’t wait for days!

But enough about me, let’s talk about……well, ME! Dear God, what am I saying? This whole blog is about ME! That’s what you came here for, right? So lets quit dawdling and get right to the latest info!

This just in from the Baby Joiner Newsroom – I’m getting pretty big! Yep, I have to keep moving mom’s innards around so I can stretch out and relax. Right now I weigh 5 ounces and measure about 5 inches tall from “head to rump”. Why they don’t bother to include my LEGS in the measurement is beyond me. If you were to hold out your hand, I would JUST fit in your hand with my legs dangling over the edge. (Yes, I see you sitting there holding your hands out trying to imagine it!) By the way, many thanks to daddy this week for not comparing me to some sort of food item. That was really getting old. I finally told him, “Don’t compare your baby to food unless you want me to wind up as a vegetable!”

Get it? Food? Vegetable? Ah, forget it. I thought it was damn funny.

So yeah, I’ve got a 5 inch body, and you’ve gotta figure my legs add on about another 2-3 inches. What does this mean for me in here? A whole lotta FUN TIMES, that’s what! Now I can simultaneously kick mommy in the diaphragm and punch her in the bladder. Man, you should see her RUN when I punch that bladder! This could very well be one of my most entertaining activities! I highly suggest you try it sometime. If your day is a little slow, just walk up to somebody and punch them in the bladder! They put on quite a show.

As I’m getting bigger, you know what ELSE is happening? I’m getting TOUGHER too! Way back when I was younger, I was framed up with just cartilage. I tell people that I was like a shark – it sounds a lot cooler than “I was all bendy on the inside”. NOW my skeleton is changing into BONE. That’s right, little baby bone. Much tougher than cartilage. I can only assume with this type of material progression that I’ll be born with a Stainless Steel skeleton. Or maybe titanium, or adamantium like in that movie with that guy. I think it was called, “The Man with the really heavy body”. Wait, maybe not…

Guess what else is getting tougher? My umbilical cord! And here I thought it was just for feeding. Now I can do all sorts of fun rope tricks with it. Just yesterday I jumped rope with it for about a half hour, then I lassoed that infernal placenta because it looked at me funny. Then I hogtied it for meddling in my affairs and moved on.

There’s also this new development called “fat”. For some reason I’m getting pudgy all over and I can’t figure out why. I guess its supposed to be natural, but I’m swelling up like that Michelin Man. So I set out on a mission to find out what this “fat” is. I asked my daddy what “fat” was, and he said, “Oprah”.

Yeah. Great. Way to go, old man. 35 years outside the womb and that’s your grand revelation? Curse you and your stunted mental faculties!

OK, so what’s fat? I’m still trying to figure out. I asked mommy but she didn’t hear me. She was too busy watching “Two and a Half Men” at full volume. Then she fell asleep on the couch. So I guess I’m on my own here. Something better happen soon with all this swelling though. Daddy says that 2/3 of my body weight will be “fat” when I’m born. MORE swelling? At this rate, I’m going to end up looking like Winston Churchill in my baby pictures!

Uh huh, that’s right. I know who Winston Churchill is. My daddy watches the History Channel and the Military Channel. Nonstop. Seriously dad, can’t we work in a few cartoons now and then? Maybe some Winnie the Pooh or even the Wiggles?

Oh, speaking of Pooh. Guess what my latest project is? POO! And I’m not talking about a cuddly little bear who steals honey and runs around with a shirt on and no pants.

Not to get sidetracked, but how come Pooh always got away with running around bottomless? Everybody thought he was cute that way, but when daddy did that at a football game all of a sudden it’s a big deal and everybody gets offended. Don’t worry though – he hasn’t done that in at least 2 or 3 weeks.

I’m getting off subject, so let me get back to the poo. Yep, that’s right – I’m working on my first baby poop right now! Just what you wanted to hear, isn’t it? Hey, it takes a while when all you’re eating is amniotic fluid and whatever comes down the ol’ food tube! But don’t worry, I’m not gonna crank out anything nasty when I’m in here. No way. You don’t poop where you eat. And sleep. And live. Instead, I’m going to start a collection, and when I’m born my revenge plot will begin.

I’ll let forth a mighty cry, turn beet red, shut my eyes, and RELEASE THE HOUNDS! Then I’ll laugh as daddy cleans it all up. Then I’ll poop again. And again. And again. Yet another fun game that I can’t wait to play!

Oh, remember how I said I asked daddy what “fat” was? Okay, just forget his idiotic response. Really. I’m trying to now. I can’t believe I’m related to this guy. Instead notice that I HEARD him! Yep, my ears are sticking out from my head now. Not all Will-Smith-like, but they’re standing out enough that it helps me hear things. All of my little inside-the-head-ear-parts are coming together nicely too.

This whole “hearing” thing is weird though. I’ve noticed that what I hear varies a LOT depending on who is nearby. Well technically mom is ALWAYS nearby, but whenever dad is around a hear a lot of rock music. Heck, I’m not even BORN yet and even I know the words to “Free Bird”! I heard this knowledge will come in handy when I visit Uncle Dave and Aunt Vivian. But when mommy’s in charge, I hear music that daddy describes as “rap crap”. I’ve gotta admit I like the way the beats feel in here, but I also like to jam out to some AC/DC with daddy. Ah well, maybe I’ll fake them BOTH out and get into Rockabilly or Polka or something.

Alright, I’m starting to get some baby-sized carpal tunnel syndrome here. That can only mean that its time to wrap this thing up with a little voting from the masses! Mommy and daddy may appreciate you giving them your opinions on baby names, but I PROMISE you that I appreciate them more. I swear, just this week daddy wanted the boy name of the week to be – and I’m quoting him here – “Voltron Asskicker Joiner”. And if that wasn’t bad enough, his girl name suggestion was “Donttouchme Mydaddyhasashotgun Joiner”. Really dad? That’s it? How is THAT going to look on a business card? Answer me, you addle-minded lunatic! Get that little hamster wheel in your cranium spinning and lets get some REAL suggestions in here.

Thank God mommy actually takes these things seriously! Her boy name suggestion is “Connor James Joiner” and the girl name suggestion is “Olivia Grace Joiner”. What do you think? Did she give me a couple o’ keeper names here or is she off her rocker like daddy? Vote over on the right side and let me know!

Be sure to check back next week! I have plans to rid myself of this cursed placenta character once and for all. Will I be successful? Only time will tell. Keep stalking!

-Baby Joiner