Hey there Baby Fans! Welcome to week 33. Less than 50 days are left in my mommy-prison sentence, so lets get down to business. I don't have all day to sit here and write. I've got an escape to plan, dammit!
The plan is coming together quite nicely. I've left nothing to chance in this scheme to free myself from these fleshy confinements. I've drawn a map of the escape route and printed it out to keep in my back pocket until the day arrives when I......Wait a minute. No back pockets?!!!!! Where am I supposed to keep things? Well, I suppose I could just tape it to my wall in here and hope it doesn't fall down. Hang on a second. I need to go pilfer some office supplies from mommy's desk.
****BABY INTERMISSION - THIS MEANS A BREAK FOR ME, NOT A BRIEF PAUSE****
Okay I'm back now, and the map has been secured. What's that? How did I manage to get something in here that was way out there? Well I'll spare you the details, but let me just say that this umbilical cord has MANY uses. If I keep this up I'll be a rodeo champion by the age of 4 with these lasso skills. The only question now is how to get the tape dispenser back on her desk without anyone being suspicious. Fire alarm maybe? Ah, no matter. I'll get it back there somehow. And don't you readers start feeling any sort of sympathy for my warden mother. It could've been worse, I could've gone for the stapler and staple remover instead of the tape!
Alongside my map I've also taped up a laundry list of things to do before I am able to make a successful escape attempt. Item number one - Operation: Heavy Breathing. This is my plan to make sure my lungs are fully grown before I bust out. After all, I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side, so I must assume the worst. Guard dogs, machine gun turrets, Jehovah's Witnesses - I must outrun them all! Luckily my mom and dad have good runner genes so I should be able to get away. My lungs are all but complete now, like the Death Star in the first Star Wars movie. But unlike that monstrosity there are no weaknesses on my surface to exploit. I have no weaknesses. Try to find one at your own peril!
Next on the list, vision. All of that running won't do me any good if I can't see what I'm running FROM. This needs a little more work than the lungs, but it IS getting better. Gone are the days of recognizing spots of light and dark. I've evolved to the point that I can tell the difference between day and night! No more wondering when I should set the DVR for the next football game - I'm pretty much dialed in to when things happen now. With this knowledge I can now plan the perfect TIME in which to escape. Did you hear that Placenta? We strike at dawn.
Placenta? Placenta! Curse you, you dimwitted glob! I don't know WHY I teamed up with you in here. You are one of the most useless compatriots I've ever had the displeasure of sharing a cell with. No more! After our prison break, you're on your own. I'll head out first to make sure the coast is clear, then you follow me after that. And don't try to hold me back! I know you can't run as fast as I can, and I'm not about to get thrown back IN there after working so hard on this plan. If you get caught little man, God help you.
Item number 3 on the list - stabilize my environment. I've found a way to keep a consistent level of amniotic fluid in here. While I won't give away the FULL measure of my plans I WILL say that bubble gum has many uses. Its great stuff, it just seems to plug any leak you can find. So from here on out, I'll have this same amount of fluid to float around in. Not that I do much floating, mind you. I'm more or less WEDGED into position now. I've already had my position given away by the doctor at our last visit to the hospital. She pinpointed my EXACT location to my warden mom and dad, even going so far as to show them where my head was. That evil woman almost blew my cover! Way to go lady. Like its not hard enough being inconspicuous when I'm sticking out of my mom's tummy like the biggest sore thumb ever?!
Moving down the list, I now find myself at a step that even I have a hard time believing. I'm getting even SMARTER?!!! How the devil did this happen? Its true though, and the more my brain grows the more my HEAD grows. This past week my head has grown by about 3/8"! Good thing the bones in my skull are really pliable. Can you imagine trying to sneak outta THAT escape tunnel with a head this size? Good lord, it'd be like trying to bowl through a coffee straw. Not that my head is bowling ball size or anything but lets face it - I'm doomed to have a massive noggin. Just look at my dad. His head is so big, smaller heads are in orbit around him!
Next up - Operation: Greased Pig. This means I've gotta work on the coating of vernix that's all over my body. The more of it there is, the easier I'll just slide through on the way to freedom. In contrast I've now lost all of that lanugo that used to cover me from head to toe. I won't miss it either - who needs a fur coat in here? Last time I checked the thermostat it was what, 96 degrees? Holy cow, its 98.6! I don't need a fur coat Mother Nature, I need a pair of shorts and a big floppy hat!
Number 6 on the Escape Prep List is my favorite. Why? Because it refers to FOOD. Right now I'm stashing away a cache of glycogen in my liver. I'll continue to hoard more and more of this stuff until the Day of the Great Escape. I'll need all of that stored energy to wriggle free, run to safety, and maybe buy a ticket to Vegas. Okay, scratch the ticket - I don't have enough saved up just yet, but everything else is a must-do! Although most of it is being saved, I'm using a LITTLE bit to swing my perfectly-proportioned arms and legs around now in my training. I've got my stride down-pat, and I've learned to pump my arms in time with my legs too. The Warden thinks I'm just "kicking her ribs", so she hasn't gotten wise to my plan just yet. That's right woman, you keep believing that.
"Kicking", she says. And I'M the one that's the child. HA!
Lastly I must brace myself for the germ-laden world that awaits me. In a cunning move, I've tapped into the Warden's own immune system and claimed it as my own. While mine gets stronger, I draw from HERS as well. By the time I get outta here mine will be able to fend off a good bit of germs and bacteria. Oh, and while I'm at it I decided to start stealing calcium from mom as well. Whether she takes in a lot or a little, I get everything I need by stealing it from her. I'll even go so far as to leech it from her very own bones! I need it finish up with my skeletal hardening, and if she didn't want me to steal from her then she should've built a bigger wall. You can't keep me away, woman! I'll take what I want!
So that's it - my to-do list. My pre-flight check. Call it whatever you will. Now that I've completed everything on there, my escape could come at any day. I'm just getting ready to.....what? What the devil is this? Someone posted an addendum to my list? Who in the world could've....Placenta!!!!! How could you DO this? I'm sitting here ready to escape and now you've given me extra things to do before I bust out of here? What kind of partner ARE you? You do NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING - for 33 weeks and then all of a sudden you post an addendum?! You'll pay for this Placenta. Oh yes. You will pay.
Okay stalkers, its time to wrap this thing up so I can go give Placenta a piece of my mind. I almost forgot to mention my height and weight this week too! I'm at about 4.5 pounds and 17.5" tall this week. Daddy says that's the size of your average adult duck. DUCK???? Seriously old man? This is the BEST comparison you could come up with? You went from comparing me to food to comparing me to a water fowl? When do the embarassing comparisons end? When I reach adulthood are you going to say, "Hey look, you're the same size as that homeless guy over there."? What the devil does that accomplish? You're a strange one, old man. My patience for you is running short.
Now before I go, I just want to make a quick announcement. This is the LAST day that we'll be doing a baby name of the week poll......as YOU know it. As of next week, we're going to start a new system that will boggle your mind. You'll be asked to contribute more than ever before, you'll be more involved in my life than ever before, and in the end you (yes YOU) may very well end up picking the very name that I will be saddled with for the rest of my days! So get excited, because its going to be a lot of fun!
And with that - the baby name of the week poll. First name is "Gavin Lawson Joiner", and the second (not to mention LAST) name up for voting, "Jeffrey Scott Joiner, Jr". Hey, why not? We had enough people suggest it to make it an actual voting option, so I figured we should squeeze it in here before the last day. So that's it Baby Fans! The last names in the poll. No more NEW names will be submitted from this point on. So what are we doing NEXT week you ask? "Heh heh heh", I reply. Wait and see!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Week 32 - Time to Settle Down
Yeah, I know I'm starting to sound old like daddy when I say that, but its time to settle down a bit. By settling down, I don't mean I'm getting married. After all my life is just starting, not ending! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Oops. I don't think mommy liked that joke. Okay, moving on.....
Back to my heading - I'm settling down. That doesn't mean marriage and it doesn't mean I'm getting old and slow like daddy. I'm MINUS 8 weeks old for goodness sakes! You can't get much younger than that! What I mean by settling down is my position in here. Its time to finalize my little baby rotation and point due south. I'm more or less pointing that way already but now I'll kinda lock into place. I'll still kick mommy in the ribs (much to her dismay) and I'll still roll around a little, but for the most part I'm settled down. Now I'm like a baby fighter jet, getting ready to be launched off the desk of an aircraft carrier! Not to say mommy is the size of an aircraft carrier or anything. I just.......
Oh wow. I don't think mommy's going to like the blog this week. I seem to be saying all the wrong things this week. That's okay though, I'll just blame it on daddy and she'll take out her frustration on him instead. I'm not even born yet, and I've already learned the subtle art of passing the blame to someone else. That's me, BabyBoy Joiner, WAY ahead of the curve!
From here on out, I'm putting everything on cruise control. Pretty much everything on me is fully developed, so I just sit around for weeks putting on weight. Ordering pizza, watching lots of tv, sneaking some leftover halloween candy - I gain weight whichever way I can. This week is pretty much the most mobile that I will be until I escape. I'll still move, but its with less intensity and frequency. You can't blame me for conserving energy though. Its a long path to baby liberation, and I'll need all my energy to push, kick, and squirm my way out of here! And then whatever excess energy I have will be relegated to my vocal cords as I scream in the name of freedom. Kinda like that movie Braveheart, but without the messy disembowelment at the end.
I'm also sleeping about 90-95% of the time now. To be quite honest there's really no point to staying awake for very long when you're living in a room that's just a tiny bit better than you are. Don't know what its like? Try this little experiment - go find a cardboard appliance box (fridge, washer/dryer, etc, etc) and crawl inside. Now sit there and wait for another 8 weeks and don't move much. Kinda stinks doesn't it? Yeah, you'd sleep too if you were looking at the EXACT same scenery since April! Not only that, but you couldn't get much exercise in, so you'd probably plump up a little, just like me. So don't judge me!! I may be a little portly when I escape this gooey fleshy prison, but once I'm out I'll be hitting the treadmill. I just need help reaching the buttons. They're a little too high for me.
Weight gain is indeed the name of the game. I'm up to about 4 pounds now, and about 17" tall. And if that isn't cool enough, I'll double my body weight in the next 8 weeks! Yeah, how about that? That should put me right on my target weight of 8-10 pounds. Already I've seen most of my little wrinkles disappear because of the weight gain. I'm developed enough now that I'd have a 90% chance of survival if I escaped right here and now, so my little body is pretty much ready to go!
If you could see into my little inner workings, you'd see that my lungs are nearly mature now. My digestive tract is almost fully developed also, so I'm ready for mommy to "tap a keg" and let me start eating asap! My own immune system is getting stronger with each week that passes. I'm relying less on my mom's defenses and more on my own. That being said, I'm glad she's keeping me safe from all of those outside germs. Speaking of germs, daddy got better and then had a little cold relapse, so he's still quarantined away from the rest of us. No worries, he doesn't have a fever or anything so he'll be fine. Besides, you know my dad. Its not like he has to be right NEXT to mom's belly for me to hear him. For God's sake, you can hear that man from SPACE.
You know the tagline for the first "Alien" movie? "In space, no one can hear you scream." Those people obviously never sat next to my dad at a football game. True story - did you know that one year at UF graduation, my dad sat in the very top row at the O-Dome and yelled for a friend of his who was graduating? Yeah, the guy said he heard my dad, and that his voice was actually drowning out all of the applause and other noise. What can I say? The man's got a big mouth. Big news flash, huh?
So what am I up to in these last couple weeks? Dude, I already told you - I'm up to 17 inches! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, uh, sorry. I guess my sense of humor hasn't really matured along with the rest of me. Hey, I take my entertainment when I can get it. That's pretty apparent when you look at a list of my daily activities. They include:
Blinking
Looking around
Grabbing things
Doing the Gator Chomp
Making faces
Practicing breathing
Peeing
Listening to daddy rant and rave
Practicing rooting
Yeah, rooting. And I don't mean, "Come on Gators, get up and go!" I mean the rooting that'll get some food in my tummy. I've learned the technique of rolling my head around to find the ol' baby food tap. Now that I have that on the list of things to practice, I'll be able to eat without anybody prompting me to do it, or putting in a dang IV or something.
Did I mention that I can tell that its fall outside? Yeah, and it has nothing to do with NOT hearing daddy complain about "the damn heat". I'm actually sensitive to temperature now. If I get too hot or too cold, I get really fussy. Its a good thing its fall in Florida, so its not really too hot OR too cold. Its nice and comfortable outside. And when I'm born and it DOES get cold outside, its definitely not a problem because my Godmomma's Momma (would that be a "Grandgodmamma"?) made me a little matching hat and blanket to wear. Thank you, Godmomma and Grandgodmomma! They're my favorite color too - Gator Blue!
With all of this development going on, I have a lot to be thankful for in here. Nothing strange going on in here, I've got ten fingers and toes and all of that junk. But after all of these weeks, I am disappointed in one thing. My bones. Back in the day I was SURE these things would be at LEAST stainless steel right now, if not tougher. But nope, I've got soft little baby bones. Don't get me wrong, everything is fully formed and good to go, but they're still pliable. And they DEFINITELY aren't unbreakable/bulletproof. This doesn't fit into my plans but I guess its a shortcoming that I'll just have to accept. I'm going to have to grow up with just regular ol' bones.
Its not all bad news though. From what I hear in my womb-to-womb connections with other babies, the bones NEED to be a little soft and have a little give to them for my Great Escape. That escape hatch and tunnel aren't very big so it looks like I'll have to get squished and twist up to get through there. Its either that or I bust outta this place like an Alien, so there BETTER be enough room! Until then though, I'm just going to sit back in mature, putting finishing touches on this masterpiece of a baby we all know as ME.
Alright, now its time for the names of the week. These two are submitted by my godmomma who decided to give it another try. To be honest, she actually submitted these names LAST week but she made the mistake of passing these names along to my dad. He then proceeded to lose them. Geez. Hey, next time just send them to the source okay? If you make my daddy the middleman, things are going to get lost in the translation. In this case, he LOST THE FREAKIN' NAMES!!!!
But enough of his shortcomings, and on to the names! This week our choices are "Brady Asher Joiner" and "Preston Marley Joiner". What do you think? Go vote and let me know! Oh, and next week will be the LAST time we have a baby name poll. After that comes something much, MUCH better! Its almost time to unveil my new baby name masterpiece, so stay tuned!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Oops. I don't think mommy liked that joke. Okay, moving on.....
Back to my heading - I'm settling down. That doesn't mean marriage and it doesn't mean I'm getting old and slow like daddy. I'm MINUS 8 weeks old for goodness sakes! You can't get much younger than that! What I mean by settling down is my position in here. Its time to finalize my little baby rotation and point due south. I'm more or less pointing that way already but now I'll kinda lock into place. I'll still kick mommy in the ribs (much to her dismay) and I'll still roll around a little, but for the most part I'm settled down. Now I'm like a baby fighter jet, getting ready to be launched off the desk of an aircraft carrier! Not to say mommy is the size of an aircraft carrier or anything. I just.......
Oh wow. I don't think mommy's going to like the blog this week. I seem to be saying all the wrong things this week. That's okay though, I'll just blame it on daddy and she'll take out her frustration on him instead. I'm not even born yet, and I've already learned the subtle art of passing the blame to someone else. That's me, BabyBoy Joiner, WAY ahead of the curve!
From here on out, I'm putting everything on cruise control. Pretty much everything on me is fully developed, so I just sit around for weeks putting on weight. Ordering pizza, watching lots of tv, sneaking some leftover halloween candy - I gain weight whichever way I can. This week is pretty much the most mobile that I will be until I escape. I'll still move, but its with less intensity and frequency. You can't blame me for conserving energy though. Its a long path to baby liberation, and I'll need all my energy to push, kick, and squirm my way out of here! And then whatever excess energy I have will be relegated to my vocal cords as I scream in the name of freedom. Kinda like that movie Braveheart, but without the messy disembowelment at the end.
I'm also sleeping about 90-95% of the time now. To be quite honest there's really no point to staying awake for very long when you're living in a room that's just a tiny bit better than you are. Don't know what its like? Try this little experiment - go find a cardboard appliance box (fridge, washer/dryer, etc, etc) and crawl inside. Now sit there and wait for another 8 weeks and don't move much. Kinda stinks doesn't it? Yeah, you'd sleep too if you were looking at the EXACT same scenery since April! Not only that, but you couldn't get much exercise in, so you'd probably plump up a little, just like me. So don't judge me!! I may be a little portly when I escape this gooey fleshy prison, but once I'm out I'll be hitting the treadmill. I just need help reaching the buttons. They're a little too high for me.
Weight gain is indeed the name of the game. I'm up to about 4 pounds now, and about 17" tall. And if that isn't cool enough, I'll double my body weight in the next 8 weeks! Yeah, how about that? That should put me right on my target weight of 8-10 pounds. Already I've seen most of my little wrinkles disappear because of the weight gain. I'm developed enough now that I'd have a 90% chance of survival if I escaped right here and now, so my little body is pretty much ready to go!
If you could see into my little inner workings, you'd see that my lungs are nearly mature now. My digestive tract is almost fully developed also, so I'm ready for mommy to "tap a keg" and let me start eating asap! My own immune system is getting stronger with each week that passes. I'm relying less on my mom's defenses and more on my own. That being said, I'm glad she's keeping me safe from all of those outside germs. Speaking of germs, daddy got better and then had a little cold relapse, so he's still quarantined away from the rest of us. No worries, he doesn't have a fever or anything so he'll be fine. Besides, you know my dad. Its not like he has to be right NEXT to mom's belly for me to hear him. For God's sake, you can hear that man from SPACE.
You know the tagline for the first "Alien" movie? "In space, no one can hear you scream." Those people obviously never sat next to my dad at a football game. True story - did you know that one year at UF graduation, my dad sat in the very top row at the O-Dome and yelled for a friend of his who was graduating? Yeah, the guy said he heard my dad, and that his voice was actually drowning out all of the applause and other noise. What can I say? The man's got a big mouth. Big news flash, huh?
So what am I up to in these last couple weeks? Dude, I already told you - I'm up to 17 inches! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, uh, sorry. I guess my sense of humor hasn't really matured along with the rest of me. Hey, I take my entertainment when I can get it. That's pretty apparent when you look at a list of my daily activities. They include:
Blinking
Looking around
Grabbing things
Doing the Gator Chomp
Making faces
Practicing breathing
Peeing
Listening to daddy rant and rave
Practicing rooting
Yeah, rooting. And I don't mean, "Come on Gators, get up and go!" I mean the rooting that'll get some food in my tummy. I've learned the technique of rolling my head around to find the ol' baby food tap. Now that I have that on the list of things to practice, I'll be able to eat without anybody prompting me to do it, or putting in a dang IV or something.
Did I mention that I can tell that its fall outside? Yeah, and it has nothing to do with NOT hearing daddy complain about "the damn heat". I'm actually sensitive to temperature now. If I get too hot or too cold, I get really fussy. Its a good thing its fall in Florida, so its not really too hot OR too cold. Its nice and comfortable outside. And when I'm born and it DOES get cold outside, its definitely not a problem because my Godmomma's Momma (would that be a "Grandgodmamma"?) made me a little matching hat and blanket to wear. Thank you, Godmomma and Grandgodmomma! They're my favorite color too - Gator Blue!
With all of this development going on, I have a lot to be thankful for in here. Nothing strange going on in here, I've got ten fingers and toes and all of that junk. But after all of these weeks, I am disappointed in one thing. My bones. Back in the day I was SURE these things would be at LEAST stainless steel right now, if not tougher. But nope, I've got soft little baby bones. Don't get me wrong, everything is fully formed and good to go, but they're still pliable. And they DEFINITELY aren't unbreakable/bulletproof. This doesn't fit into my plans but I guess its a shortcoming that I'll just have to accept. I'm going to have to grow up with just regular ol' bones.
Its not all bad news though. From what I hear in my womb-to-womb connections with other babies, the bones NEED to be a little soft and have a little give to them for my Great Escape. That escape hatch and tunnel aren't very big so it looks like I'll have to get squished and twist up to get through there. Its either that or I bust outta this place like an Alien, so there BETTER be enough room! Until then though, I'm just going to sit back in mature, putting finishing touches on this masterpiece of a baby we all know as ME.
Alright, now its time for the names of the week. These two are submitted by my godmomma who decided to give it another try. To be honest, she actually submitted these names LAST week but she made the mistake of passing these names along to my dad. He then proceeded to lose them. Geez. Hey, next time just send them to the source okay? If you make my daddy the middleman, things are going to get lost in the translation. In this case, he LOST THE FREAKIN' NAMES!!!!
But enough of his shortcomings, and on to the names! This week our choices are "Brady Asher Joiner" and "Preston Marley Joiner". What do you think? Go vote and let me know! Oh, and next week will be the LAST time we have a baby name poll. After that comes something much, MUCH better! Its almost time to unveil my new baby name masterpiece, so stay tuned!
Until next time Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 30, 2009
Week 31 - I Missed Daddy!
Yeah, you heard right. I said I missed my daddy. Wanna make something of it? Sure I know I bust his chops pretty much incessantly on here, but its nice to have the guy around. The entertainment factor ALONE is plenty of reason to keep his goofy butt nearby at all times. So where was he?
Incarcerated.
Okay, not in JAIL or anything, but he spent the past week in a self-imposed lockdown state in a makeshift "man cave" across the hall from my future room. He started getting sick on Friday and had to leave work - and anybody that knows daddy knows how he HATES to use a sick day. He's been down in that room from last Friday up until Thursday evening. That's nearly a full week of seclusion!
Laugh all you want, but I've missed the little games he plays with me. Our little "tap, tap, KICK" game is a lot of fun. True, I have to dumb down my conversations with him a little so he can keep up, but I think it'll help him out in the long run. And lets be honest, I feel like I'm doing a public service by keeping this guy busy....and away from bugging the rest of the world! Talk about taking a bullet - don't say I never did anything for you guys!
Have no fear, Baby Stalkers. My dad fought off whatever that was in his system and is back to full speed. Now he's free to roam the entire house once again. Just keep him out of my room, mom! I don't need that germ-infested buffoon polluting my territory! If ANYONE is to spread germs in that room, it will be ME!
Soooooo, what's new with you guys? I always start out by talking about me, but let's hear about you. Go ahead and spill it, I'll wait.
Nah I'm just kidding, I would never do that. I wanted to emote just enough to make you question everything you knew about me, then turn around and hit you with an open-handed slap of reality. This is all about me. SHAME on you for thinking otherwise. This isn't dudesandchicksthatreadaboutababy.blogspot.com - this is joinerbaby.blogspot.com! That's it, breathe deep. Inhale all of that baby attitude in the air. There's a Joiner Baby on the horizon. Brace for impact!
Its a pretty slow news week in here, so this shouldn't take very long. The big news this week would be my continuing improvement of my little immune system. Its GOT to get stronger in case daddy brings home more germs. The only other noteworthy system that hasn't fully developed yet is my respiratory system. My lungs aren't QUITE done "cooking" in here just yet. This fluid stuff is pretty easy to push in and out of my lungs, but I hear air can be a real pain in the butt. It shouldn't take much longer though. Just a few more weeks and they'll be ready to go - then I'll be ready to go!
One thing that probably NEVER finishes is the whole learning process. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know everything I need to know already. I've got quite a fine eat-sleep-pee routine going....is there really anything else to life than that? Well, if there's any more to learn I'm sure I'll just pick it up as I go. It should pretty easy to do now also, since I'm developed enough to process information from ALL 5 SENSES! That means not only do I recognize sounds, smells, touches, etc., but I also have the ability to remember them! I think its both a blessing AND a curse though. Some things you wish you could UN-see. Or UN-smell, in the case of daddy. Dear Lord, what has that man been eating?
Man, I must be out of it this week. I almost forgot to tell you the weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! Prepare to be impressed - I'm up to 3.5lbs this week and over 16" tall! Like I told you previously, I'll be putting on about 1/2 pound per week up until birth. That should put me somewhere in the 8lb range....maybe a little more if I can sneak some midnight snacks in here. I wonder if Papa Johns can deliver pizza in here?
All of that weight and baby height is making things kinda tight in here. In fact, I'm kinda forced to stay in this one position now. My arms and legs have to stay close to my body just because I'm running out of room. Amazingly enough, this is called the "fetal position". Wow, how inventive. I can only imagine the naming rights were given to the same moronic doctors that named "brown fat". Way to go fellas. Nothing screams creatively quite like giving something the most VANILLA of names.
So here I am, all bunched up into a big fat baby ball. But that doesn't mean I'm not moving anymore! I still stretch my arms and legs a couple times a day, making sure to plant my feet squarely into the bottom of my mom's ribcage. My arms have no real target so they'll usually either pummel an organ or two OR I pound away at the outside wall just to remind everyone that I'm coming soon. I can still roll my whole body around too, and that's a lot of fun. It also seems to get quite a reaction from mom and dad, so I'll have to remember that little trick for the first time I get into trouble.
Oh and one more thing for ya. Although my skeleton is formed, my actual skull is still pretty soft. Don't worry I'm not defective - we all know I'm perfect! The real reason for this is so everything can move and flex as need be in order for me to slip out of the escape hatch and enter the outside world! After that, the little skull bone plates will slowly but surely fuse together and then I'll have a hard head. Just like daddy!
Did I tell you about my skin? I'm phasing out the whole red color and going for more of a pink-colored skin now. Before it was red because the main thing for you to see would be the blood under my skin. Now those extra layers of fat that I'm adding are diluting that color down a little. Sooooooo, a strong red eventually becomes pink! Don't look at me that way though, I didn't pick the color. If it were up to me, my skin would much cooler than that. It would be orange and blue - or camo.
Alright folks I've got a busy day ahead of me, so I'm gonna throw a few new baby name choices at ya and head out. I was really busy growing this week, and with daddy locked away in his "man cave" I tapped my Godmother again for name choices. She sent them to Daddy, he said thanks, and then when I asked him what she sent over he realized that he accidentally deleted them.
Wow. All that time in the man cave went to your brain old man! It made you downright loopy! So instead he decided to pull a few names out of a hat and see if any of them would stick. The name selections this week are "Dylan Andrew Joiner" and "Anthony Miles Joiner". When I asked him why "Miles", he said "what better name for a future marathon runner?" Not the best way to pick a name but hey, who am I to judge?
That's it for week 31. Don't forget to check out the 3D musical slideshow in my video clips! Its really awesome! Daddy did it for me. Yeah I outsourced the work to him so I still had my nights free, so what? It looks pretty cool though and you can see the pictures better on there because they show up bigger. OR you can go on youtube and subscribe to our channel "thejoinerfamily", and you can see all of our videos there as well!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Incarcerated.
Okay, not in JAIL or anything, but he spent the past week in a self-imposed lockdown state in a makeshift "man cave" across the hall from my future room. He started getting sick on Friday and had to leave work - and anybody that knows daddy knows how he HATES to use a sick day. He's been down in that room from last Friday up until Thursday evening. That's nearly a full week of seclusion!
Laugh all you want, but I've missed the little games he plays with me. Our little "tap, tap, KICK" game is a lot of fun. True, I have to dumb down my conversations with him a little so he can keep up, but I think it'll help him out in the long run. And lets be honest, I feel like I'm doing a public service by keeping this guy busy....and away from bugging the rest of the world! Talk about taking a bullet - don't say I never did anything for you guys!
Have no fear, Baby Stalkers. My dad fought off whatever that was in his system and is back to full speed. Now he's free to roam the entire house once again. Just keep him out of my room, mom! I don't need that germ-infested buffoon polluting my territory! If ANYONE is to spread germs in that room, it will be ME!
Soooooo, what's new with you guys? I always start out by talking about me, but let's hear about you. Go ahead and spill it, I'll wait.
Nah I'm just kidding, I would never do that. I wanted to emote just enough to make you question everything you knew about me, then turn around and hit you with an open-handed slap of reality. This is all about me. SHAME on you for thinking otherwise. This isn't dudesandchicksthatreadaboutababy.blogspot.com - this is joinerbaby.blogspot.com! That's it, breathe deep. Inhale all of that baby attitude in the air. There's a Joiner Baby on the horizon. Brace for impact!
Its a pretty slow news week in here, so this shouldn't take very long. The big news this week would be my continuing improvement of my little immune system. Its GOT to get stronger in case daddy brings home more germs. The only other noteworthy system that hasn't fully developed yet is my respiratory system. My lungs aren't QUITE done "cooking" in here just yet. This fluid stuff is pretty easy to push in and out of my lungs, but I hear air can be a real pain in the butt. It shouldn't take much longer though. Just a few more weeks and they'll be ready to go - then I'll be ready to go!
One thing that probably NEVER finishes is the whole learning process. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know everything I need to know already. I've got quite a fine eat-sleep-pee routine going....is there really anything else to life than that? Well, if there's any more to learn I'm sure I'll just pick it up as I go. It should pretty easy to do now also, since I'm developed enough to process information from ALL 5 SENSES! That means not only do I recognize sounds, smells, touches, etc., but I also have the ability to remember them! I think its both a blessing AND a curse though. Some things you wish you could UN-see. Or UN-smell, in the case of daddy. Dear Lord, what has that man been eating?
Man, I must be out of it this week. I almost forgot to tell you the weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! Prepare to be impressed - I'm up to 3.5lbs this week and over 16" tall! Like I told you previously, I'll be putting on about 1/2 pound per week up until birth. That should put me somewhere in the 8lb range....maybe a little more if I can sneak some midnight snacks in here. I wonder if Papa Johns can deliver pizza in here?
All of that weight and baby height is making things kinda tight in here. In fact, I'm kinda forced to stay in this one position now. My arms and legs have to stay close to my body just because I'm running out of room. Amazingly enough, this is called the "fetal position". Wow, how inventive. I can only imagine the naming rights were given to the same moronic doctors that named "brown fat". Way to go fellas. Nothing screams creatively quite like giving something the most VANILLA of names.
So here I am, all bunched up into a big fat baby ball. But that doesn't mean I'm not moving anymore! I still stretch my arms and legs a couple times a day, making sure to plant my feet squarely into the bottom of my mom's ribcage. My arms have no real target so they'll usually either pummel an organ or two OR I pound away at the outside wall just to remind everyone that I'm coming soon. I can still roll my whole body around too, and that's a lot of fun. It also seems to get quite a reaction from mom and dad, so I'll have to remember that little trick for the first time I get into trouble.
Oh and one more thing for ya. Although my skeleton is formed, my actual skull is still pretty soft. Don't worry I'm not defective - we all know I'm perfect! The real reason for this is so everything can move and flex as need be in order for me to slip out of the escape hatch and enter the outside world! After that, the little skull bone plates will slowly but surely fuse together and then I'll have a hard head. Just like daddy!
Did I tell you about my skin? I'm phasing out the whole red color and going for more of a pink-colored skin now. Before it was red because the main thing for you to see would be the blood under my skin. Now those extra layers of fat that I'm adding are diluting that color down a little. Sooooooo, a strong red eventually becomes pink! Don't look at me that way though, I didn't pick the color. If it were up to me, my skin would much cooler than that. It would be orange and blue - or camo.
Alright folks I've got a busy day ahead of me, so I'm gonna throw a few new baby name choices at ya and head out. I was really busy growing this week, and with daddy locked away in his "man cave" I tapped my Godmother again for name choices. She sent them to Daddy, he said thanks, and then when I asked him what she sent over he realized that he accidentally deleted them.
Wow. All that time in the man cave went to your brain old man! It made you downright loopy! So instead he decided to pull a few names out of a hat and see if any of them would stick. The name selections this week are "Dylan Andrew Joiner" and "Anthony Miles Joiner". When I asked him why "Miles", he said "what better name for a future marathon runner?" Not the best way to pick a name but hey, who am I to judge?
That's it for week 31. Don't forget to check out the 3D musical slideshow in my video clips! Its really awesome! Daddy did it for me. Yeah I outsourced the work to him so I still had my nights free, so what? It looks pretty cool though and you can see the pictures better on there because they show up bigger. OR you can go on youtube and subscribe to our channel "thejoinerfamily", and you can see all of our videos there as well!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 23, 2009
Week 30 - Planning the Escape
Hey there Baby Stalkers! Its time for your Week 30 update.
Wow, its week 30. Or as I like to call it, "10 Weeks to zero-hour". Time is running short, and I need to finalize my plans for escape. I've already made the big turn and have myself pointed due south. I've found the escape hatch but I can't get this thing to budge. Curse you, maternal roadblock! I want to get out of here already.
Fair enough. If you won't move, then I'll just have to get bigger and move you myself. And it won't take long either. Right now I'm up to nearly 16" tall and am a little over 3 pounds. Its not just 3 pounds of flab either - you should check out my Baby Guns. Seriously, go check out those 3D pics from two weeks ago. I had big beefy arms THEN, so just add two weeks of weight training on top of that and you'll have a good idea of what I've got going on in here. With this kind of development going on, it won't be long before I make my mistake.
Thick. Rugged. Tough. Words that are synonymous with BabyBoy Joiner.
So what's new? Not a whole lot to be honest. Other than the fact that this room seems to be getting smaller and smaller, its pretty much business as usual in here. I guess the big thing that's going on is the seemingly endless brain growth that's going on right now. Its getting all "ridgy" and "foldy" looking. It kinda looks like something you would've found in the back of daddy's fridge in his wild bachelor days.
No I don't know that from experience but mommy told me stories about some of the science experiments she found in the back of the bottom shelf. Oh lord, the bottom shelf! It was uncharted territory. Explorers tried to map it several times and never returned. It wasn't pretty. Food that hit the bottom shelf was never the same if you ever tried to retrieve it for the purposes of consumption. Ugh.....
But enough about daddy's old fridge. This isn't the daddy's fridge blog - its the Daddy's Baby Boy Blog! So let's move on to another subject. How about my eyesight for starters! Its still developing, but improving every day. I still can't see very far or very clearly. Anything more than a foot away isn't going to be in focus at all, but honestly I don't HAVE to see very far in here. I can't read the eye chart at the DMV just yet though. Its a little bit of a letdown because I wanna hit the road. And before my dad starts trying to hide his car keys let me just say this-
Save your strength old man. I don't want the keys to your car. I want the keys to mom's! Oh gee let me see, I could drive around in a BMW or a Saturn. Wow, such a tough decision. By the way I hope your sarcasm-o-meter redlined during all of that faux debating. Something tells me that when I go cruising for chicks, they won't be wowed by dad's little econobox. Besides, I wanna go FAST! Blame my mom for the speed obsession.
Here's something else that'll enhance my "chick-magnet" status - I'm shedding! Yep, chicks like a guy who sheds. But unlike your fuzzy little lap dog I won't repeatedly shed. This shedding is all of the lanugo on my body. Remember the lanugo? Well, there's no more need for my little baby fur coat since I've got all of this baby fat on my body now. Besides, what kind of guy wears a fur coat? I can only think of one cool guy that wore a fur coat. That was Joe Namath, and even HE looked pretty freakin' creepy in it. So goodbye baby fur coat! It was nice knowin' ya, but ya gotta go!
With all of that baby fuzz going bye-bye, I've noticed that my skin is getting smoother. No more wrinkles! All of that is thanks to my baby fat that I'm packing on. I know what this means though - once I pop outta here people are going to find me irresistible. I mean, I KNOW I am already, but having that baby soft skin means all kinds of people are going to be trying to touch me. Keep your hands to yourselves, Outsiders! I need my space. Don't touch, and don't PINCH!
And now, a list of things that have either finished growing or are nearly finished. My fingernails and toenails are now completely finished. Yep, now I can claw and scratch my way outta here if I need to. Also, my lungs and digestive tract are just about done cooking too! At this point, breathing wouldn't be such a chore for me anymore. I've been practicing so much in here that my lungs are plenty strong. And the digestive tract.....you know what that does. Do you really want the gross details?
I did you the favor of NOT grossing you out, and now I'm about to do everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy - another big favor. A lot of times I'm laying around in here minding my own business, and mommy puts her hand on me and asks me what she's feeling. Seriously woman, can you not tell the difference between a butt and an elbow? Well, I get tired of hearing the same question over and over again so I decided to throw her a bone and explain things to her. The rest of you get the benefits of her bad guesses....and I expect you to USE this knowledge! Consider this your baby bump secret decoder ring. Here's what to look for:
If you see or feel a hard, round lump - its either my head or my butt. No jokes here people, I've heard 'em all.
If you see or feel a long flat surface - thats my back, fool!
If you see or feel smaller flat segments - arms and legs baby!
If you see or feel little circular spots - that's my baby fists of fury! Fear them, for they bring power and pain.
There you have it. Don't say I never gave you anything!
Okay, time for the baby names of the week! This week we're taking one suggestion from mommy and one from daddy. Technically daddy gave two suggestions, but once I told him that he couldn't suggest "Charles Bronson" for me, he scratched that and went with the other. I won't tell you who suggested what because I don't want to bias the polls. Just tell me which ones you like!
This week the suggestions are "Caleb Thomas Joiner" and "Franklin Mason Joiner". What do you think? Go to the right side of the page and vote! The poll is right below all of the pictures. Remember, just a few more weeks until we unveil the coolest Baby Naming Activity in the history of baby naming. Get ready to get interactive - with a little bit of luck, you can actually WIN. And the winner gets cool stuff. But you have to act quickly! So keep your eyes on the blogs every week for something new and exciting!!!
And keep your eyes open for a new video post at the bottom on the page. Daddy has something new and cool to upload, so as soon as he gets off his big rump and DOES it, you'll have something fun to watch. It'll be posted BEFORE the next blog, so keep checking back!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Wow, its week 30. Or as I like to call it, "10 Weeks to zero-hour". Time is running short, and I need to finalize my plans for escape. I've already made the big turn and have myself pointed due south. I've found the escape hatch but I can't get this thing to budge. Curse you, maternal roadblock! I want to get out of here already.
Fair enough. If you won't move, then I'll just have to get bigger and move you myself. And it won't take long either. Right now I'm up to nearly 16" tall and am a little over 3 pounds. Its not just 3 pounds of flab either - you should check out my Baby Guns. Seriously, go check out those 3D pics from two weeks ago. I had big beefy arms THEN, so just add two weeks of weight training on top of that and you'll have a good idea of what I've got going on in here. With this kind of development going on, it won't be long before I make my mistake.
Thick. Rugged. Tough. Words that are synonymous with BabyBoy Joiner.
So what's new? Not a whole lot to be honest. Other than the fact that this room seems to be getting smaller and smaller, its pretty much business as usual in here. I guess the big thing that's going on is the seemingly endless brain growth that's going on right now. Its getting all "ridgy" and "foldy" looking. It kinda looks like something you would've found in the back of daddy's fridge in his wild bachelor days.
No I don't know that from experience but mommy told me stories about some of the science experiments she found in the back of the bottom shelf. Oh lord, the bottom shelf! It was uncharted territory. Explorers tried to map it several times and never returned. It wasn't pretty. Food that hit the bottom shelf was never the same if you ever tried to retrieve it for the purposes of consumption. Ugh.....
But enough about daddy's old fridge. This isn't the daddy's fridge blog - its the Daddy's Baby Boy Blog! So let's move on to another subject. How about my eyesight for starters! Its still developing, but improving every day. I still can't see very far or very clearly. Anything more than a foot away isn't going to be in focus at all, but honestly I don't HAVE to see very far in here. I can't read the eye chart at the DMV just yet though. Its a little bit of a letdown because I wanna hit the road. And before my dad starts trying to hide his car keys let me just say this-
Save your strength old man. I don't want the keys to your car. I want the keys to mom's! Oh gee let me see, I could drive around in a BMW or a Saturn. Wow, such a tough decision. By the way I hope your sarcasm-o-meter redlined during all of that faux debating. Something tells me that when I go cruising for chicks, they won't be wowed by dad's little econobox. Besides, I wanna go FAST! Blame my mom for the speed obsession.
Here's something else that'll enhance my "chick-magnet" status - I'm shedding! Yep, chicks like a guy who sheds. But unlike your fuzzy little lap dog I won't repeatedly shed. This shedding is all of the lanugo on my body. Remember the lanugo? Well, there's no more need for my little baby fur coat since I've got all of this baby fat on my body now. Besides, what kind of guy wears a fur coat? I can only think of one cool guy that wore a fur coat. That was Joe Namath, and even HE looked pretty freakin' creepy in it. So goodbye baby fur coat! It was nice knowin' ya, but ya gotta go!
With all of that baby fuzz going bye-bye, I've noticed that my skin is getting smoother. No more wrinkles! All of that is thanks to my baby fat that I'm packing on. I know what this means though - once I pop outta here people are going to find me irresistible. I mean, I KNOW I am already, but having that baby soft skin means all kinds of people are going to be trying to touch me. Keep your hands to yourselves, Outsiders! I need my space. Don't touch, and don't PINCH!
And now, a list of things that have either finished growing or are nearly finished. My fingernails and toenails are now completely finished. Yep, now I can claw and scratch my way outta here if I need to. Also, my lungs and digestive tract are just about done cooking too! At this point, breathing wouldn't be such a chore for me anymore. I've been practicing so much in here that my lungs are plenty strong. And the digestive tract.....you know what that does. Do you really want the gross details?
I did you the favor of NOT grossing you out, and now I'm about to do everyone - ESPECIALLY mommy - another big favor. A lot of times I'm laying around in here minding my own business, and mommy puts her hand on me and asks me what she's feeling. Seriously woman, can you not tell the difference between a butt and an elbow? Well, I get tired of hearing the same question over and over again so I decided to throw her a bone and explain things to her. The rest of you get the benefits of her bad guesses....and I expect you to USE this knowledge! Consider this your baby bump secret decoder ring. Here's what to look for:
If you see or feel a hard, round lump - its either my head or my butt. No jokes here people, I've heard 'em all.
If you see or feel a long flat surface - thats my back, fool!
If you see or feel smaller flat segments - arms and legs baby!
If you see or feel little circular spots - that's my baby fists of fury! Fear them, for they bring power and pain.
There you have it. Don't say I never gave you anything!
Okay, time for the baby names of the week! This week we're taking one suggestion from mommy and one from daddy. Technically daddy gave two suggestions, but once I told him that he couldn't suggest "Charles Bronson" for me, he scratched that and went with the other. I won't tell you who suggested what because I don't want to bias the polls. Just tell me which ones you like!
This week the suggestions are "Caleb Thomas Joiner" and "Franklin Mason Joiner". What do you think? Go to the right side of the page and vote! The poll is right below all of the pictures. Remember, just a few more weeks until we unveil the coolest Baby Naming Activity in the history of baby naming. Get ready to get interactive - with a little bit of luck, you can actually WIN. And the winner gets cool stuff. But you have to act quickly! So keep your eyes on the blogs every week for something new and exciting!!!
And keep your eyes open for a new video post at the bottom on the page. Daddy has something new and cool to upload, so as soon as he gets off his big rump and DOES it, you'll have something fun to watch. It'll be posted BEFORE the next blog, so keep checking back!
Until next week Baby Stalkers, keep on stalking!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 16, 2009
Week 29 - Growin' Like a Weed
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to week 29!
What's that? No rhyming this week? Dang right. Lets be honest - it started to get a little hokey and contrived, so I ditched that in an effort to squeeze in even MORE baby blogging action! Don't complain, and don't cry. We're all adults here. SURELY you can find a word that rhymes with "nine" all by yourself.
If you can't - heaven help you.
I made the cut because there is just too much to talk about this week. If I lumped together all of my physical growth and new activities, etc. it would just take up too much space. I've learned that the attention span of the average adult "outsider" is about the length of a commercial or two, so why stretch things out? I think the only way I could double the length of my weekly blog and keep your attention would be to throw in random pictures of football games and bikini contests to keep you focused. Or wait, that might just work for daddy only.
So before I make this thing LONGER in an attempt to make it SHORTER, lets get the ball rolling! First of as always is the Baby Tale of the Tape. Right now I'm around 15"-16" tall, and weighing between 2.5 and 3 pounds.. From here on out, I should gain about a half pound per week (I'm at about 3.5% body fat right now), and will be 2 to 3 times my current weight when I finally escape. I won't get that much taller though, but don't say I didn't warn ya. I'll be a full-blown buddha baby, and there's no hiding that because now there's PROOF of my weight gain.
Proof? That's right. Pictures AND video evidence that I've been grabbing bits and pieces of the pasta, ice cream, and other goodies that my mom's been throwing down the ol' food tube. When the lady at the ultrasound place wasn't looking, I managed to log into their computer and stole a few pictures and video clips. Don't give me that look. I mean, can it REALLY be called stealing? Its all pictures of ME, so lets not make it a big deal. Anyone caught trying to rat me out to the cops will taste the full force of my baby fury! And don't think I won't do it - I already kicked my dad in the head this week when he was trying to listen in on what I was doing. That's what he gets for being nosey. Stay out of my room!!!
You can see some of those pictures over on the right side of the page. I put up a couple of my favorite ones. My personal favorite is where I'm raising my fist to show my Supreme Baby Power. I'll have you know that they took most of these pictures WITHOUT my consent. In fact, I was sleeping through some of them. But once I woke up and found out what they were doing, I erupted in an anger-filled wave of action, swinging my arms and kicking my legs. I also tried to yell at them to go away, but I couldn't make much noise with all of this fluid in here. Plus they thought I was yawning and said it was cute. Damn you people - I'm not cute, I'm angry!
As you can tell by my writing, my brain is still growing. Billions of neurons are forming daily. Yeah that's right, BILLIONS with a "B". Don't even try to challenge me in a game of scrabble right now because it would be ALL OVER for you. The only way I can lose is if I stop resisting the urge to eat those letter tiles. They look so good, and they're made to be bite-sized! What else am I supposed to do with them?
Because my brain is growing so quickly, my head has to expand as well to accomodate this awesome baby brain of mine. And you better back off and give it room too, because my brain does all sorts of cool things now. Its developed to the point that it can control nice, rhythmic breathing all by itself now. No more prompts from mom or anywhere else - my breathing is officially on auto-pilot. And the best part of it is that my lungs have now grown to the point that I can breathe air! Just in time too, because this whole breathing liquid thing is for the birds. Or more appropriately, for the fishes!
All of this growing has to be fueled by something, so I'm stealing more and more of the food that mommy eats every day. She doesn't realize it yet, but I siphon off quite a bit....but I still need more! Specifically calcium. I've GOTTA get my calcium. Man I soak that stuff up like a sponge. I can't get enough. Seriously. Hey mom, are you listening? I CAN'T GET ENOUGH CALCIUM. Nobody has ever died from a calcium overdose, so drink that glass of milk like daddy keeps saying. Trust me, I need it for stronger bones. My bones are all formed now, but they're still a little soft and pliable. They're not at ALL like the stainless steel frame I was expecting to have by this point. To say I'm a little disappointed there is an understatement. It looks like regular bones will have to do.
And speaking of bones, here's another fun fact for ya. My bone marrow is now completely in charge of the production of red blood cells. No more stealing from mommy, everything is my own. This segues nicely into my vocabulary word of the week - hematopoiesis. Go ahead and look it up, I'll wait.
***BABY INTERMISSION WHILE YOU GO GRAB YOUR WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY OR LOOK IT UP ONLINE***
For those of you who can't look it up, hematopoiesis deals with the building up all the important blood components. My little spleen now takes care of all of that. Day by day, I'm becoming more and more self-sufficient, and less and less dependent on the whims of my maternal baby carrier. You hear that mother? I'm turning into a perfect storm of independent attitude and unbridled baby rage! I won't be a slave to your egg sandwich diet, or your odd addiction to salsa. I'm my own man, dammit!
Um......hey mom? I'm getting kinda hungry in here. Can you throw down on a turkey sandwich or something? Please? Love you!
Ok, I think she's gone now. That crazy woman is torturing me with all of those egg sandwiches. She should be nice to me too, because from here on out she won't be feeling those big kicks and punches as much. Its not that I'm playing nice all of a sudden though. To be honest, I'm running out of room! I don't have the room to wind up and unleash a huge punch or kick anymore. So rather than pound away at her with huge blows, I have no choice but to poke her into submission with a flurry of elbows, knees, and heels.
I've got one last thing for ya before we move onto the baby names of the week. I told you a couple weeks back that I was able to "see" light and dark in here. Well, things are getting even better now. I can not only see the light, but I'll turn my head in that direction to look at it! You can't blame me for doing it though, as a shiny light is about the most awesome thing I've seen so far. I'm drawn to it! And in the past day or so, I've been able to actually move my EYES around to follow the light instead of moving my head around all the time. I'm "practicing to see", and I'm starting to learn how to focus. Daddy says this is important for a photographer, but what kinda crazy man would wanna be a photographer?
Oh.....wait. Nevermind. I guess I know what kind of crazy person would want to be one!
Let's get off that awkward moment and get right to the baby names of the week. Even though I did a pretty good job of picking names last week (according to the voting), I decided to let my Godmomma Teresa handle the name pickin' duties this week. Her submissions for this week are "Parker Reid Joiner" and "Logan Riley Joiner". Go to the right side of the page and let me know what you think!
Until next time, Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
What's that? No rhyming this week? Dang right. Lets be honest - it started to get a little hokey and contrived, so I ditched that in an effort to squeeze in even MORE baby blogging action! Don't complain, and don't cry. We're all adults here. SURELY you can find a word that rhymes with "nine" all by yourself.
If you can't - heaven help you.
I made the cut because there is just too much to talk about this week. If I lumped together all of my physical growth and new activities, etc. it would just take up too much space. I've learned that the attention span of the average adult "outsider" is about the length of a commercial or two, so why stretch things out? I think the only way I could double the length of my weekly blog and keep your attention would be to throw in random pictures of football games and bikini contests to keep you focused. Or wait, that might just work for daddy only.
So before I make this thing LONGER in an attempt to make it SHORTER, lets get the ball rolling! First of as always is the Baby Tale of the Tape. Right now I'm around 15"-16" tall, and weighing between 2.5 and 3 pounds.. From here on out, I should gain about a half pound per week (I'm at about 3.5% body fat right now), and will be 2 to 3 times my current weight when I finally escape. I won't get that much taller though, but don't say I didn't warn ya. I'll be a full-blown buddha baby, and there's no hiding that because now there's PROOF of my weight gain.
Proof? That's right. Pictures AND video evidence that I've been grabbing bits and pieces of the pasta, ice cream, and other goodies that my mom's been throwing down the ol' food tube. When the lady at the ultrasound place wasn't looking, I managed to log into their computer and stole a few pictures and video clips. Don't give me that look. I mean, can it REALLY be called stealing? Its all pictures of ME, so lets not make it a big deal. Anyone caught trying to rat me out to the cops will taste the full force of my baby fury! And don't think I won't do it - I already kicked my dad in the head this week when he was trying to listen in on what I was doing. That's what he gets for being nosey. Stay out of my room!!!
You can see some of those pictures over on the right side of the page. I put up a couple of my favorite ones. My personal favorite is where I'm raising my fist to show my Supreme Baby Power. I'll have you know that they took most of these pictures WITHOUT my consent. In fact, I was sleeping through some of them. But once I woke up and found out what they were doing, I erupted in an anger-filled wave of action, swinging my arms and kicking my legs. I also tried to yell at them to go away, but I couldn't make much noise with all of this fluid in here. Plus they thought I was yawning and said it was cute. Damn you people - I'm not cute, I'm angry!
As you can tell by my writing, my brain is still growing. Billions of neurons are forming daily. Yeah that's right, BILLIONS with a "B". Don't even try to challenge me in a game of scrabble right now because it would be ALL OVER for you. The only way I can lose is if I stop resisting the urge to eat those letter tiles. They look so good, and they're made to be bite-sized! What else am I supposed to do with them?
Because my brain is growing so quickly, my head has to expand as well to accomodate this awesome baby brain of mine. And you better back off and give it room too, because my brain does all sorts of cool things now. Its developed to the point that it can control nice, rhythmic breathing all by itself now. No more prompts from mom or anywhere else - my breathing is officially on auto-pilot. And the best part of it is that my lungs have now grown to the point that I can breathe air! Just in time too, because this whole breathing liquid thing is for the birds. Or more appropriately, for the fishes!
All of this growing has to be fueled by something, so I'm stealing more and more of the food that mommy eats every day. She doesn't realize it yet, but I siphon off quite a bit....but I still need more! Specifically calcium. I've GOTTA get my calcium. Man I soak that stuff up like a sponge. I can't get enough. Seriously. Hey mom, are you listening? I CAN'T GET ENOUGH CALCIUM. Nobody has ever died from a calcium overdose, so drink that glass of milk like daddy keeps saying. Trust me, I need it for stronger bones. My bones are all formed now, but they're still a little soft and pliable. They're not at ALL like the stainless steel frame I was expecting to have by this point. To say I'm a little disappointed there is an understatement. It looks like regular bones will have to do.
And speaking of bones, here's another fun fact for ya. My bone marrow is now completely in charge of the production of red blood cells. No more stealing from mommy, everything is my own. This segues nicely into my vocabulary word of the week - hematopoiesis. Go ahead and look it up, I'll wait.
***BABY INTERMISSION WHILE YOU GO GRAB YOUR WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY OR LOOK IT UP ONLINE***
For those of you who can't look it up, hematopoiesis deals with the building up all the important blood components. My little spleen now takes care of all of that. Day by day, I'm becoming more and more self-sufficient, and less and less dependent on the whims of my maternal baby carrier. You hear that mother? I'm turning into a perfect storm of independent attitude and unbridled baby rage! I won't be a slave to your egg sandwich diet, or your odd addiction to salsa. I'm my own man, dammit!
Um......hey mom? I'm getting kinda hungry in here. Can you throw down on a turkey sandwich or something? Please? Love you!
Ok, I think she's gone now. That crazy woman is torturing me with all of those egg sandwiches. She should be nice to me too, because from here on out she won't be feeling those big kicks and punches as much. Its not that I'm playing nice all of a sudden though. To be honest, I'm running out of room! I don't have the room to wind up and unleash a huge punch or kick anymore. So rather than pound away at her with huge blows, I have no choice but to poke her into submission with a flurry of elbows, knees, and heels.
I've got one last thing for ya before we move onto the baby names of the week. I told you a couple weeks back that I was able to "see" light and dark in here. Well, things are getting even better now. I can not only see the light, but I'll turn my head in that direction to look at it! You can't blame me for doing it though, as a shiny light is about the most awesome thing I've seen so far. I'm drawn to it! And in the past day or so, I've been able to actually move my EYES around to follow the light instead of moving my head around all the time. I'm "practicing to see", and I'm starting to learn how to focus. Daddy says this is important for a photographer, but what kinda crazy man would wanna be a photographer?
Oh.....wait. Nevermind. I guess I know what kind of crazy person would want to be one!
Let's get off that awkward moment and get right to the baby names of the week. Even though I did a pretty good job of picking names last week (according to the voting), I decided to let my Godmomma Teresa handle the name pickin' duties this week. Her submissions for this week are "Parker Reid Joiner" and "Logan Riley Joiner". Go to the right side of the page and let me know what you think!
Until next time, Baby Stalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 9, 2009
Week 28 - Prepping For a Photo Shoot
Hey there Baby Stalkers! Its week 28 and I'm feeling great! This is the beginning of the third trimester, also known as the "Period of Fetal Viability". Why is it called that? Because I've got at least a 90% chance of survival if I decide to bust outta here early. You hear that death? You can bite me! I'm heading into the world and nothing can stop me now!
I think I'll bide my time a little though. I want better odds than that.
Okay, this week we're gonna start on the inside and work our way out to my most recent changes in appearance. Its not to be wierd, its for a very good reason. So read on!
Let's start off with the ol' baby gray matter. I'm sure that all of you think you know just how smart I am right now. Ladies and gentlemen, we haven't even scratched the SURFACE of my genius! Go ahead, try to find another baby that is MINUS 3 months old that can type, plot, and smack talk like I can. Go ahead, I'll be through college and on my way to ruling the world before anything CLOSE to this ever comes around again....and that'll be MY boy!
Okay I'm a genius....so what's the point, you ask? My point is that my baby brain is starting to look like a real brain now. Before it was kinda smooth, but now it has ridges and grooves. I know its all a part of the growing process, but think about it. If I'm already THIS smart, just picture what I'll be like once I'm born!
So what does a baby that's wise beyond his age DO every day? Well this week my tricks include coughing, sucking my thumb, hiccuping, and more breathing practice. Trust me, its more impressive than it sounds. All of those things are going to help me in the long run. Granted they don't do SQUAT when it comes to helping me get outta here, but once I DO escape they'll help me be a part of that 90% survival rate that I talked about earlier.
Here's another nugget of internal information for you. I'm getting to the point where I can partially control my own body temperature now. Don't get me wrong I love that heat that mom gives off, but its high time I turn up the heat a little myself. In another 3 months it'll be up to me to keep my own body temperature set just right, so I better practice while I can! That's what most of my time consists of right now - practice, practice, practice!
And when I'm not practicing, I dream. I dream a LOT! I started off with little flashes of dreams, and now I'm into full-fledged REM sleep. What do I dream about? Escape, you simple-minded fools! So would you if this was your primary residence. There's no going outside for a walk, or heading to the pool for a swim. I AM "in the pool" and I can't get out! So whatever I dream up usually helps me plot, plan, and scheme my way out of that way-too-small escape hatch that I found.
I seriously don't know how on earth I can squeeze out through there. Not with the way I'm growing. I'm up to about 15 inches tall now and weigh about 2.5 pounds! Sure, some of that is the baby fat deposits that I've been getting. About 2-3% of my body composition is fat right now, so I'm actually pretty slim! In fact, my muscle tone is improving quite a bit. Every day I'm able to kick and punch stronger and stronger. I'm so strong now that I can actually wake up mommy with my Baby-Fu fighting moves.
I started playing a NEW game with mommy and daddy too, just to keep them satisfied. It doesn't have a name just yet, but right now daddy's calling it "that thing where we put a remote control on the tummy and watch it move as the baby kicks and punches".
Wow. He's got that no-brainer naming gene that I thought only doctors had. So he's like a doctor, but without the paycheck. Way to step up and contribute dad. Can't you come up with a name that's a bit....oh I don't know....SHORTER???? Can we keep it under 10 words? How about "kick the remote"? Geez, I'm a BABY and I did a better job naming it than you!
I'm getting a little off subject here though. That game has now been documented. Daddy got some video of it and will be adding it to the video section at the bottom of the blog page. So keep your eyes peeled for that! You'll just see mommy's belly, then a remote control rocking back and forth. Its all Baby, baby!
Everything else to report is pretty much superficial stuff. My hair is getting longer, my eyelashes and eyebrows are still growing, and so on and so forth. That's about it! Again, at this point all I'm doing is getting bigger and more developed. Everything that needs to be here is already here.
Okay, you made it to the end of this and you're wondering what I was talking about at the beginning, right? Well the reason WHY I ended on my outside appearance is because as I post this, the three of us are getting ready for a doctor appointment, followed up by a 3D/4D ultrasound. Yep! At long last everyone will be able to see 3-dimensional pictures and video of me. I'll post that stuff on here a little later. But if you want a preview of what it looks like, just do a search for "4D Ultrasound" and you'll see how it looks!
The other pictures are OKAY, but this is going to show me in ridiculous detail. Mom and dad are begging for me to put on a good show during the viewing, and they also said I can't hide my face. Then again, this is ME that we're talking about. I've got daddy's attitude so maybe I'll lay still and cover my face just to prove to them that I'm not here for their amusement. But hey, who knows? Maybe I'll be in a good mood and decide to play ball. You can never tell what I'm going to do next, I'm a Wild Man! Keep your eyes glued to the baby blog - you never know when those pictures will show up!
Now that the big announcement is out, lets move on to the baby names of the week. But before I do, let me just say congratulations to my Uncle Bryan and Aunt Anne who are getting hitched this weekend! Hurry up you two, and make me a cousin to play with.
Last week my Godmamma came up with two names, and it looks like a great majority of the voters liked them! I wasn't able to catch up with her THIS week for more names, and mommy and daddy were both super slammed with work and other things all week long! So, when in doubt, ask more family members! My Uncle Donny sent a list of Joiner Family names that goes back to the mid-1500s! He thought that might help us come up with a few new names. Well, after running through the list, I decided to pick a few names MYSELF!
The first name this week is Thomas William Joiner, named after the first in the Joiner family to come to the New World in the early 1600s, and his son William who was the first Joiner BORN on what would eventually become US soil.
The second name is Charles Mason Joiner. The first name belonged to my great-great-grandpa!
So that's what you have to pick from this week - "Thomas William Joiner" and "Charles Mason Joiner". My first picks ever (with a little help from Uncle Donny of course). Now go to the right side of the page and vote!
That's it for this week. Stay tuned for more updates (and of course those 3D pictures) soon! Until next time BabyStalkers, keep stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
I think I'll bide my time a little though. I want better odds than that.
Okay, this week we're gonna start on the inside and work our way out to my most recent changes in appearance. Its not to be wierd, its for a very good reason. So read on!
Let's start off with the ol' baby gray matter. I'm sure that all of you think you know just how smart I am right now. Ladies and gentlemen, we haven't even scratched the SURFACE of my genius! Go ahead, try to find another baby that is MINUS 3 months old that can type, plot, and smack talk like I can. Go ahead, I'll be through college and on my way to ruling the world before anything CLOSE to this ever comes around again....and that'll be MY boy!
Okay I'm a genius....so what's the point, you ask? My point is that my baby brain is starting to look like a real brain now. Before it was kinda smooth, but now it has ridges and grooves. I know its all a part of the growing process, but think about it. If I'm already THIS smart, just picture what I'll be like once I'm born!
So what does a baby that's wise beyond his age DO every day? Well this week my tricks include coughing, sucking my thumb, hiccuping, and more breathing practice. Trust me, its more impressive than it sounds. All of those things are going to help me in the long run. Granted they don't do SQUAT when it comes to helping me get outta here, but once I DO escape they'll help me be a part of that 90% survival rate that I talked about earlier.
Here's another nugget of internal information for you. I'm getting to the point where I can partially control my own body temperature now. Don't get me wrong I love that heat that mom gives off, but its high time I turn up the heat a little myself. In another 3 months it'll be up to me to keep my own body temperature set just right, so I better practice while I can! That's what most of my time consists of right now - practice, practice, practice!
And when I'm not practicing, I dream. I dream a LOT! I started off with little flashes of dreams, and now I'm into full-fledged REM sleep. What do I dream about? Escape, you simple-minded fools! So would you if this was your primary residence. There's no going outside for a walk, or heading to the pool for a swim. I AM "in the pool" and I can't get out! So whatever I dream up usually helps me plot, plan, and scheme my way out of that way-too-small escape hatch that I found.
I seriously don't know how on earth I can squeeze out through there. Not with the way I'm growing. I'm up to about 15 inches tall now and weigh about 2.5 pounds! Sure, some of that is the baby fat deposits that I've been getting. About 2-3% of my body composition is fat right now, so I'm actually pretty slim! In fact, my muscle tone is improving quite a bit. Every day I'm able to kick and punch stronger and stronger. I'm so strong now that I can actually wake up mommy with my Baby-Fu fighting moves.
I started playing a NEW game with mommy and daddy too, just to keep them satisfied. It doesn't have a name just yet, but right now daddy's calling it "that thing where we put a remote control on the tummy and watch it move as the baby kicks and punches".
Wow. He's got that no-brainer naming gene that I thought only doctors had. So he's like a doctor, but without the paycheck. Way to step up and contribute dad. Can't you come up with a name that's a bit....oh I don't know....SHORTER???? Can we keep it under 10 words? How about "kick the remote"? Geez, I'm a BABY and I did a better job naming it than you!
I'm getting a little off subject here though. That game has now been documented. Daddy got some video of it and will be adding it to the video section at the bottom of the blog page. So keep your eyes peeled for that! You'll just see mommy's belly, then a remote control rocking back and forth. Its all Baby, baby!
Everything else to report is pretty much superficial stuff. My hair is getting longer, my eyelashes and eyebrows are still growing, and so on and so forth. That's about it! Again, at this point all I'm doing is getting bigger and more developed. Everything that needs to be here is already here.
Okay, you made it to the end of this and you're wondering what I was talking about at the beginning, right? Well the reason WHY I ended on my outside appearance is because as I post this, the three of us are getting ready for a doctor appointment, followed up by a 3D/4D ultrasound. Yep! At long last everyone will be able to see 3-dimensional pictures and video of me. I'll post that stuff on here a little later. But if you want a preview of what it looks like, just do a search for "4D Ultrasound" and you'll see how it looks!
The other pictures are OKAY, but this is going to show me in ridiculous detail. Mom and dad are begging for me to put on a good show during the viewing, and they also said I can't hide my face. Then again, this is ME that we're talking about. I've got daddy's attitude so maybe I'll lay still and cover my face just to prove to them that I'm not here for their amusement. But hey, who knows? Maybe I'll be in a good mood and decide to play ball. You can never tell what I'm going to do next, I'm a Wild Man! Keep your eyes glued to the baby blog - you never know when those pictures will show up!
Now that the big announcement is out, lets move on to the baby names of the week. But before I do, let me just say congratulations to my Uncle Bryan and Aunt Anne who are getting hitched this weekend! Hurry up you two, and make me a cousin to play with.
Last week my Godmamma came up with two names, and it looks like a great majority of the voters liked them! I wasn't able to catch up with her THIS week for more names, and mommy and daddy were both super slammed with work and other things all week long! So, when in doubt, ask more family members! My Uncle Donny sent a list of Joiner Family names that goes back to the mid-1500s! He thought that might help us come up with a few new names. Well, after running through the list, I decided to pick a few names MYSELF!
The first name this week is Thomas William Joiner, named after the first in the Joiner family to come to the New World in the early 1600s, and his son William who was the first Joiner BORN on what would eventually become US soil.
The second name is Charles Mason Joiner. The first name belonged to my great-great-grandpa!
So that's what you have to pick from this week - "Thomas William Joiner" and "Charles Mason Joiner". My first picks ever (with a little help from Uncle Donny of course). Now go to the right side of the page and vote!
That's it for this week. Stay tuned for more updates (and of course those 3D pictures) soon! Until next time BabyStalkers, keep stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Friday, October 2, 2009
Week 27 - Baby's Got Rhythm!
Hey there Baby Stalkers! Its week 27 and you're in baby heaven! Its the end of the second trimester, and there's all sorts of things to tell you about this week. Most of them all have one thing in common:
Rhythm.
Yeah, feel the rhythm ladies and gentlemen, 'cause this is one baby that's got it! Everything seems to relate to my ability to get funky. Whether we're talking about my movements or my development, the results are the same. I've got James-Brown-like levels of rhythm. Just call me the Hardest Working Baby in Wombsville.
First, the obvious statement - I like music. I mean, I REALLY like music. I don't just kick when I like music, I move to the beat! Back and forth, up and down, and its all to the beat of whatever music I'm listening to. Pretty cool trick, huh? This beats the heck out of those "amazing" things I used to do. Remember a few weeks back when everybody was amazed when I moved on the ultrasound screen? Well this makes that looks pretty petty in comparison now, doesn't it? And if you think THIS is amazing, just wait and see what I have in store the next few weeks. It's gonna blow you away!
And guess what else is rocking to the beat? My sleep schedule! I pretty much sleep and wake up at the same times every day. My favorite time to wake up is around 9-9:30, because then I play my kicking game with daddy. I keep it real simple for his sake - he taps on me and I kick back. I think asking any more of him would be a stretch right now, so let me bring him along slowly and the games will get more adventurous over time. So really when you think about it, even our game is based on rhythm...the daddy & baby rhythm.
When I'm not dancing and wiggling around, sometimes I'll inadventently (big word for a baby huh?) make other tiny little rhythmic movements. Hiccups! They're not really fun - they take me by surprise and then they stick around forever. I tried everything to get rid of them. I told Placenta to try to scare me, hoping they would go away. Curse my instinctively brave nature, he doesn't scare me anymore! So then Placenta said that HE heard that breathing into a paper bag helps.
He's an idiot.
For one thing, where in the world does he expect me to get a paper bag? Its not like I can run to the Piggly Wiggly and steal one from them. Plus I'm pretty sure that he's thinking of hyperventilating anyways, so we gave up on that approach. Eventually they just work themselves out. Right now I'm blaming daddy for the hiccups. I laugh at him so much that hiccups usually follow shortly after my daddy encounters. I'll have your hide for this one day, old man!
Okay, I'm getting off track a bit here, lets get back to my weekly developments. I can open and close my eyes with rhythm too. I heard its called "blinking". It might be a minor detail, but its yet another way that my new blessing of funk is moving me closer and closer to the day of my Great Escape from these walls. And while my eyes are open, I am now able to gather light thanks to my rapidly maturing eyes. The different layers that form the retina receive light and transmit signals to the brain so that I now see images!
They're not the most hi-res things you've ever seen in your life, but they're good enough for me to see my surroundings. And remember, the more I can see, the better I can plan my escape! All of this visual information is helping my brain develop. Its growing as fast as ever. You'd think all of this info got me all edgy and hyper, but one thing calms me down. I'm sure you can guess what it is...its the good ol' thumb! Whenever things get rough or stressful in here, I just take a quick hit off the ol' opposing digit and it knocks me right out. It also doubles as a way to strengthen my cheek and jaw muscles for nursing. So don't discourage me from sucking my thumb. Dammit people, I'm working out!
As far as new developments physically, that's about it. As of this week I now officially have all of the pieces and parts that make me a little bitty person. From here on out, the only thing that happens is that I get bigger and bigger and bigger. I'm thinking about trying to hit the 10-pound mark, is that big enough? It sounds like a nice round number, and I'm sure mommy won't mind. So hang back for a few weeks baby stalkers, and let me "cook" in here.
Don't be too worried though. I'm a pretty mature guy already. My lungs are a little immature right now, but the good news is that with today's medical wonders I could be born right now and be okay. I'd just need some mechanical medical assistance. Actually the more I think about it, that sounds pretty cool! I'd be like a little RoboBaby. Half Baby, Half Machine, TOTAL BADASS!
Silly me. I was so eager to tell you about my rhythm that I forgot to mention my weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! I'm up to 2 pounds now, just like I promised. I doubled my weight in just a few weeks, how cool is that? I betcha a million dollars YOU can't do it! Ah yes, the joys of being a baby. I'm up to about 14.5" tall, which means I'm REALLY starting to take up a lot of space in here. I don't know how much bigger this room gets, but it better start getting bigger SOON. I've already stretched the room further up closer to mommy's rib cage, which is giving her hiccups and shortening her breath. All it takes is a few baby kicks into the diaphragm to get the hiccups going. That is yet another cool trick I've learned. The best part about her having hiccups is that it bounces me around in here, so its kind of like being on a little ride. Luckily there's no height restriction like the rides at DisneyWorld!
Mom is suffering from one other major change to HER body this week. Her body is kicking into overtime to produce more and more progesterone. What it is SUPPOSED to do is relax the muscular walls of the ol' Uterus Bachelor Pad that I'm living in right now. That will help make this room bigger! One side effect of this is that it can cause mood swings. What? I'm confused, I thought that football season caused mood swings! And if you don't think it does, then you haven't sat there between mommy and daddy during a football game. I've heard cheering and laughing, yelling and screaming, and maybe a few random punches thrown into the couch cushions. And that's just mommy! Daddy's even crazier!
And now last but certainly not least, its time for the weekly baby name poll. This week, my Godmother Teresa decided to step up to the plate and give the whole naming thing a try. I welcome her attempt with open baby arms after seeing all of the duds that my parents have thrown out there. Her first suggestion is "James Gage Joiner". It looks like she took daddy's idea of using "James", and then slapped "Gage" in there for a cool, semi-shotgun sounding name. Her other suggestion is "Cole Reese Joiner". I don't know what the reasoning for this one was, but its not too bad either. Heck, its better than anything mommy and daddy have tried to stick me with lately. So be sure to vote over on the right side of the screen and let me know how you think she did in taking over the naming duties this week. I mean hey, she's the Godmother.....she's gotta do something right? Thank you Godmamma!
One more thing to give you a head's up on regarding baby names. In the next few weeks there will be an all-new, exciting way for EVERYONE to get involved in the baby naming process. It takes the weekly polls and adds an exciting twist! I've gotta hand it to daddy on this one, he gave me the idea for it. We're expecting to release it to the world by week 33 or 34. So keep watching for that! (And don't ask me what it is, I'm not going to tell anyone)
Until next week BabyStalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
Rhythm.
Yeah, feel the rhythm ladies and gentlemen, 'cause this is one baby that's got it! Everything seems to relate to my ability to get funky. Whether we're talking about my movements or my development, the results are the same. I've got James-Brown-like levels of rhythm. Just call me the Hardest Working Baby in Wombsville.
First, the obvious statement - I like music. I mean, I REALLY like music. I don't just kick when I like music, I move to the beat! Back and forth, up and down, and its all to the beat of whatever music I'm listening to. Pretty cool trick, huh? This beats the heck out of those "amazing" things I used to do. Remember a few weeks back when everybody was amazed when I moved on the ultrasound screen? Well this makes that looks pretty petty in comparison now, doesn't it? And if you think THIS is amazing, just wait and see what I have in store the next few weeks. It's gonna blow you away!
And guess what else is rocking to the beat? My sleep schedule! I pretty much sleep and wake up at the same times every day. My favorite time to wake up is around 9-9:30, because then I play my kicking game with daddy. I keep it real simple for his sake - he taps on me and I kick back. I think asking any more of him would be a stretch right now, so let me bring him along slowly and the games will get more adventurous over time. So really when you think about it, even our game is based on rhythm...the daddy & baby rhythm.
When I'm not dancing and wiggling around, sometimes I'll inadventently (big word for a baby huh?) make other tiny little rhythmic movements. Hiccups! They're not really fun - they take me by surprise and then they stick around forever. I tried everything to get rid of them. I told Placenta to try to scare me, hoping they would go away. Curse my instinctively brave nature, he doesn't scare me anymore! So then Placenta said that HE heard that breathing into a paper bag helps.
He's an idiot.
For one thing, where in the world does he expect me to get a paper bag? Its not like I can run to the Piggly Wiggly and steal one from them. Plus I'm pretty sure that he's thinking of hyperventilating anyways, so we gave up on that approach. Eventually they just work themselves out. Right now I'm blaming daddy for the hiccups. I laugh at him so much that hiccups usually follow shortly after my daddy encounters. I'll have your hide for this one day, old man!
Okay, I'm getting off track a bit here, lets get back to my weekly developments. I can open and close my eyes with rhythm too. I heard its called "blinking". It might be a minor detail, but its yet another way that my new blessing of funk is moving me closer and closer to the day of my Great Escape from these walls. And while my eyes are open, I am now able to gather light thanks to my rapidly maturing eyes. The different layers that form the retina receive light and transmit signals to the brain so that I now see images!
They're not the most hi-res things you've ever seen in your life, but they're good enough for me to see my surroundings. And remember, the more I can see, the better I can plan my escape! All of this visual information is helping my brain develop. Its growing as fast as ever. You'd think all of this info got me all edgy and hyper, but one thing calms me down. I'm sure you can guess what it is...its the good ol' thumb! Whenever things get rough or stressful in here, I just take a quick hit off the ol' opposing digit and it knocks me right out. It also doubles as a way to strengthen my cheek and jaw muscles for nursing. So don't discourage me from sucking my thumb. Dammit people, I'm working out!
As far as new developments physically, that's about it. As of this week I now officially have all of the pieces and parts that make me a little bitty person. From here on out, the only thing that happens is that I get bigger and bigger and bigger. I'm thinking about trying to hit the 10-pound mark, is that big enough? It sounds like a nice round number, and I'm sure mommy won't mind. So hang back for a few weeks baby stalkers, and let me "cook" in here.
Don't be too worried though. I'm a pretty mature guy already. My lungs are a little immature right now, but the good news is that with today's medical wonders I could be born right now and be okay. I'd just need some mechanical medical assistance. Actually the more I think about it, that sounds pretty cool! I'd be like a little RoboBaby. Half Baby, Half Machine, TOTAL BADASS!
Silly me. I was so eager to tell you about my rhythm that I forgot to mention my weekly Baby Tale of the Tape! I'm up to 2 pounds now, just like I promised. I doubled my weight in just a few weeks, how cool is that? I betcha a million dollars YOU can't do it! Ah yes, the joys of being a baby. I'm up to about 14.5" tall, which means I'm REALLY starting to take up a lot of space in here. I don't know how much bigger this room gets, but it better start getting bigger SOON. I've already stretched the room further up closer to mommy's rib cage, which is giving her hiccups and shortening her breath. All it takes is a few baby kicks into the diaphragm to get the hiccups going. That is yet another cool trick I've learned. The best part about her having hiccups is that it bounces me around in here, so its kind of like being on a little ride. Luckily there's no height restriction like the rides at DisneyWorld!
Mom is suffering from one other major change to HER body this week. Her body is kicking into overtime to produce more and more progesterone. What it is SUPPOSED to do is relax the muscular walls of the ol' Uterus Bachelor Pad that I'm living in right now. That will help make this room bigger! One side effect of this is that it can cause mood swings. What? I'm confused, I thought that football season caused mood swings! And if you don't think it does, then you haven't sat there between mommy and daddy during a football game. I've heard cheering and laughing, yelling and screaming, and maybe a few random punches thrown into the couch cushions. And that's just mommy! Daddy's even crazier!
And now last but certainly not least, its time for the weekly baby name poll. This week, my Godmother Teresa decided to step up to the plate and give the whole naming thing a try. I welcome her attempt with open baby arms after seeing all of the duds that my parents have thrown out there. Her first suggestion is "James Gage Joiner". It looks like she took daddy's idea of using "James", and then slapped "Gage" in there for a cool, semi-shotgun sounding name. Her other suggestion is "Cole Reese Joiner". I don't know what the reasoning for this one was, but its not too bad either. Heck, its better than anything mommy and daddy have tried to stick me with lately. So be sure to vote over on the right side of the screen and let me know how you think she did in taking over the naming duties this week. I mean hey, she's the Godmother.....she's gotta do something right? Thank you Godmamma!
One more thing to give you a head's up on regarding baby names. In the next few weeks there will be an all-new, exciting way for EVERYONE to get involved in the baby naming process. It takes the weekly polls and adds an exciting twist! I've gotta hand it to daddy on this one, he gave me the idea for it. We're expecting to release it to the world by week 33 or 34. So keep watching for that! (And don't ask me what it is, I'm not going to tell anyone)
Until next week BabyStalkers, keep on stalkin'!
-BabyBoy Joiner
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