Week 16 - Planning and Prepping

I have some big news for you this week in my battle with my soon-to-be-sibling. I cant say MUCH for fear of tipping my hand, but….

Oh who am I kidding. I can't keep a secret. I'm in training. I'll be fighting for my Legos in no time, so I'm continuing my preparation for the big showdown. Last time we talked I was just building walls but this time - I'm building ME! First I did some weightlifting.

Check out those baby guns! The only bad part is that I'm too strong for this stuff. That's right - TOO STRONG. I'll have to get creative in my workouts now. Improvise. What else can I lift. Let's see here….

My 4 wheeler! I'll just toss this thing in and out of the pool for about an hour now. Yessir, I'll be ripped in no time. Don't lie - I look dangerous now, don't I? Seriously, try to stare me down. Go ahead, I'll wait.

HA! You blinked first. I win again! I can't blame you though, I can be intimidating when I want to be. In fact, look at my newest weapon, the Super-Splash-O-Matic Shoulder Cannon! Say it with me…."I'll be back".

I know I'm showing off a little bit but you get the picture. With every waking moment I'm preparing to defend all that is Lego. I'll have my hands full because that little one keeps growing by leaps and bounds. How do I know this?

Because I did what General Custer should've done. I sent scouts.

Okay, maybe not officially scouts, but one doesn't spend 9-10 months in solitary confinement without making a few friends. I made friends with my neighbors while I was waiting to be born, and they haven't forgotten about me. I paid off mommy's stomach with a few Snickers bars, and in return I get information - LOTS of information. So, what did I hear through the grapevine this week? Well….

My fetal opponent is now the size of an avocado and growing fast. Its legs are growing faster and toenails have sprouted. The baby's entire body is now proportional to its head, which is somewhat of a downer for me because I use to say teasing remarks like "Hey lightbulb!" Now the baby is balanced out and no longer top heavy, so I have to come up with new trash-talking material.

My "source" has also told me that the baby's ears and eyes have now shifted to their proper position. Those eyes are getting useful too - they can sense light and cover their eyes when it gets too bright, which explains why the baby didn't like "Disco Night" at "Club Andrew". (for those interested in "Club Andrew", doors open after school lets out and close when it gets dark outside) Seriously. I installed all of those light-up floor tiles for nothing? I've gotta take them out? Oh the heck I am!

There's also something in a note written about the scalp pattern of the baby growing, but I can't tell if that's what is written because my "sources" ran out of room on the paper that they handed me. I'm not master spy or anything but you'd think they'd come prepared with something more than a pen and a post-it note. Get it together guys, or I'll quit sending food your way!

All is not lost though. I do remember some specifics from the time I spent incarcerated for 10 months. For example, this week that baby should be developing a suction reflex. Why does that matter? Well think about it for a minute - if the baby is sucking, then the baby is drinking….and since the baby has grown taste buds……come on, you know where I'm going with this……come on……

Oh come on, REALLY???? You don't get it??? Agh! I'm dealing with amateurs around here! Absolute Baby Amateurs! Think about it. If the baby can taste bitter, they won't suck as much but if they taste sweet, they'll drink twice as much! SO, all I have to do is send a few pints of ice cream down there and it will be so busy eating it up that it might just forget about coming out! Then I'll have all of these Legos to myself!

I don't pat myself on the back very often, but this plan is foolproof. Seriously, what could go wrong?

Well I know you'd love to sit and read this forever, but I've got more training to do. This body doesn't stay perfect on its own, I've gotta put in some WORK! Before I go though, I will say this - be sure to harass my dad about getting my communiqué out on time. I swear, sometimes I think he's going slow on purpose. Either that or he IS slow. I choose the second answer.

Until next time, Andrew out!