Week 15 - Growing Like a Weed!

Its week 15 and I know what you're thinking - "I didn't get an invite to the lego pool party". EXACTLY! You keep your hands off my legos! I take them very seriously. This week I'm using them to build a wall four inches tall.

Why so exact? Because that's how tall BabyJoiner is right now and I've GOT to keep him/her away from my legos! So here I go, red block, red block, blue block, yellow block….all the way to the top!

Okay, mission accomplished. The wall is built. Its never too early to start preparing for an invasion. This new baby is a crafty one. While all of you are convinced that this sweet baby is just resting and growing, I'm convinced that he/she is attempting to overthrow me from my throne. All of the evidence is there. How do I know? HA! You poor soul. Let me explain.

BabyJoiner is growing like a weed. 25% taller than last week? Yeah, that's nothing to sneeze at. Baby's legs are growing longer than its arms now too, so it no longer looks like some hairy quadruped. Do you know what that means? Longer legs = getting over my wall!!! My precious Lego wall!!! Maybe I should add a few more blocks to the top……

Oh but it doesn't stop there. BabyJoiner is getting taller AND is starting to SEE. Great. You know, as much as I love my Lego blocks, it's not like they blend in really well with anything. Bright red, yellow, blue, and green? This little creature is sure to spot them! True, BabyJoiner can't see the world with open eyes just yet but he/she can already tell the difference between light and dark.

Hmmmmmm, light and dark….light and dark. I can use this to my advantage! If I shine a bright enough light by my Legos, that should force BabyJoiner to turn away. Ha! Its just crazy enough to work. Quick, daddy! Get your bloated posterior off of that couch and fetch the handheld spotlight for me. Its time to give mommy's tummy…..a little TAN.

What the???!!! Dead batteries! Man, WHY did I forget to turn my toy car off? I used the last batteries that we have on my car!!! 

Well, if I can't keep the baby away with a bright light, the only other option I have is to go to battle with another one of his/her senses. TASTE! I did a little recon and I discovered that the baby is starting to grow little baby sized tastebuds right about now. Sooooooooooo……all I have to do is find the most hideous, disgusting tasting thing I can find and make sure the baby gets a sample.

Awful taste, awful taste…..let's see, where's that stuff that daddy cooked the other night? I think it was supposed to be spaghetti, but spaghetti isn't green. Man I don't know what dark culinary road he turned down with that one, but that stuff is nasty enough to make a stray dog lose its lunch. Oh man, this will be perfect!!!! But how do I get it to the baby?

DANGIT!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, clearly this child is a better protected adversary than I thought. Who would've thought that mommy's tummy is like baby body armor? I can't lay a finger on that baby, yet if I were to go to the doctor right now, I could probably SEE if I was dealing with a baby boy or a baby girl. So why do I have to wait? I have no doubt that whatever the reason for the wait is, it is certainly my dad's fault.

Clearly there's no chink in the armor, no room for an attack. For now I guess I'll just have to fortify my defenses. Sooner or later this child will bring the fight to me - and I'll be ready.

Until next week!

-Andrew

Guess what's NEW???

Okay, so I've been a little slow at getting back to this blog stuff. Can you blame me? (Trick question - you can't blame me because I'm two and a half and "still learning". Yeah, that old gag. I'm gonna use that excuse for as long as I can. In fact, I plan on using it straight through something daddy calls "college". Andrew James Joiner jumps through hoops for no one. I blog when I feel like blogging!

So, what's new with me? Oh, nothing much. I've just learned to walk, talk, eat, run, play video games, climb furniture, go to the potty, swim and splash, flirt, stuff like that. And what grand leaps have YOU made lately? Huh? Find a new shortcut to McDonalds? Wow, way to go there Magellan. Don't overextend yourself so much. I've only changed my entire way of life and turned into a small man already while you sit on your butt watching hokey sitcom reruns. Way to apply yourself, Slacker.

Enough about you though, lets get back to a more interesting subject - ME! I'm going to be a BIG BROTHER!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!! ROCK ON!!!!!!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

Now, can somebody please tell me what the heck that is? Mommy and Daddy asked me if I wanted to be a big brother and I said yes, but I'm not exactly sure what I just signed up for. I assumed it involved going to Legoland, hence my excitement. But since they asked me that, we haven't done jack squat. I'm not even allowed to jump on mommy's tummy anymore. Man, this big brother stuff sucks. Well if nobody is going to tell me what it is, I'm going to steal daddy's computer and look it up. Hang on a sec…..

-----BLOG INTERMISSION - GO TO THE LOBBY AND GET YOURSELVES A TREAT-----

What the hell??!!!!! I've gotta share the house with another kid now? No way man! This love shack is MINE! MINE MINE MINE!!!! Yeah, I'm two…..what's so terrible about that? Why didn't anybody tell me about this??? I thought "big brother" was a ride at Legoland! Curse you mommy and daddy and your trickery!!

Okay Andrew Joiner, don't panic. Instead of looking at this "new invader" as muscling in on your territory, find a way to turn this to your advantage. Think. While this little creature is growing inside mommy, there's got to be a way to make this work out for me. Its bad enough the new baby has already become a squatter in my old apartment. HEY! YOU IN THERE! KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY STEREO! 

Foolish child. I just got all of my radio station presets just the way I like them, and then it starts changing them. Come to think of it though, I was pretty busy at 14 weeks too. At that age I could already kick, punch, and grab. I thought I was pretty advanced for my age but apparently my little doppleganger is as skilled as I am. Ah young JoinerBaby, you are a worthy adversary indeed.

14 weeks - I remember those days. Back then, my arms had already grown to be proportional to the rest of my body. I had also started to grow little fuzzy body hair by then too, so I looked more like a baby and less like a T-Rex. That was also the week where I finished making my liver, kidneys, and spleen. I still don't know what my spleen is for, and daddy says that I'll need my liver by the time I get to college. HA! It's ready to go right NOW old man!

That 14 week mark also gave me my single most entertaining skill to date - peeing! Yep, after my kidneys formed I started whizzing all over the place. To this day, I still enjoy a good pee. My Keepers are trying to do this thing right now called "potty training", where I have to find these big white bowls if I want to pee or poop. Joke's on you, old people! I'm already fully capable of controlling my bodily functions. I just throw in an occasional accident for my own personal amusement. I love watching older people chasing after me and screaming, "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

So what can I do about this new baby??? Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of a little competition. I've already scouted things out. I have videotape. I've done my homework on this kid and there is no WAY I'm fearful of a 3.5" tall person. But how can I make a teeny tiny baby work for ME?

Aha! I've got it! I have a role for this new baby - Scapegoat. Fall Guy. Patsy. Just think of all of the things I can get away with and blame the baby. Broken items, disappearing car keys, passing gas….the possibilities are limitless! If I play my cards right I will look like an absolute angel while my unwilling accomplice takes the fall. Heck, the baby won't even be making complete sentences for a good year or so, and by that time my credibility will be so rock solid that no one will believe it. My master plan cannot fail. It will not fail! BabyJoiner 2.0, you are my puppet!!!

Okay, enough of the blog for this week. I've got a lego house to build. With a lego swimming pool. And if you play your cards right, I might just invite you over for a swim. Yeah, I'm that good. Later!

-Andrew Joiner